CollegeHumor: User 567573's Articles

Realistic School Mascots

Tue, 13 May 2008 20:15:03 -0400

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.e31544b8506a4c9b09a2185fcc8e2f40.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573">Dean</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:121"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The First Frat Party

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 20:13:15 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.e31544b8506a4c9b09a2185fcc8e2f40.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-19 20:13:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573">Dean</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:121"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 156 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Your Mom Joins Facebook

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:07:32 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.e31544b8506a4c9b09a2185fcc8e2f40.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-28 18:07:32 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573">Dean</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:121"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 30 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Unlikely Fashion Cover

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 01:51:49 -0400

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CNN Hires Perez Hilton

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 13:32:06 -0500

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Your Job According To Your Shoes

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 17:17:56 -0500

Graphic Designer

Hollister Model

Trader Joe's Cashier

IT Guy

Record Shop Employee

Urban Outfitters Salesperson

Butterfly Preserve Tour Guide

My parents just give me money

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.e31544b8506a4c9b09a2185fcc8e2f40.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-25 17:17:56 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573">Dean</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:121"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Oscar Preditions

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 15:20:07 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The Oscar nominations came out today and boy what a group it is. Everyone in Hollywood has been talking about it all day. I decided to throw together my list of predictions for who will actually win.

BEST CLICHE ROLE OF PALE, ECCENTRIC GUY FOR JOHNNY DEPP IN A TIM BURTON MOVIE: Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

BEST CRAZY CATE BLANCHETT ACCENT: Elizabeth: The Golden Age

HOTTEST ACTRESS (SHE'S 18 RIGHT?): Ellen Page

THE PIXAR MOVIE: Ratatouille

BEST DOCUMENTARY THAT ASSHOLE'S PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT: Sicko

BEST EDITING: So many options! God, I really can't narrow it down to just one. Too hard to say.

BEST DEPICTION OF U2 IN MORE THAN 2D: U2 3D

DUDE I'M NOT CRYING, IT'S JUST REALLY DRY OUT TODAY: Atonement

BEST PICTURE: The Bucket List

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.e31544b8506a4c9b09a2185fcc8e2f40.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-22 15:20:07 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:567573">Dean</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:121"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Have You Heard The New Radiohead Album?

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 12:48:30 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey man, have you heard the new Radiohead album? God, it's monumental. It's like larger than music, it transcends sound itself, it's just like listening to life. I feel that Radiohead is the only band that really matters right now. Pitchfork gave it an 9.3, which I think is a total sham. It's AT LEAST a 9.8.

Did you just say you don't like it? Are you high on drugs right now? Well maybe you're not high enough, because this is the best album of the year, scratch that, this is the best album of the next 10 years. How do I know what the next 10 years will sound like? Because Radiohead is always a decade ahead of everyone, so people will be copying this album until then.

What do you mean this album sounds like all the rest? What kind of headphones are you using? You should really upgrade to some new Sennheisers, you probably can't hear the subtle undertones in the melodies. Ha! You think you can listen to Radiohead on your iPod buds? MP3's compress it sooooo much. Uncompressed FLAC baby, that's the only way you can listen to it.

It's like, no, I can't understand anything Thom Yorke is saying. But you don't need to understand the words to get what the message is, you know? He almost has invented a new language which isn't based on "understanding it" or not. He just is, ok? He's like Buddha.

This isn't accessible like O.K. Computer, I wouldn't really expect you to understand it. You just haven't fully evolved to the point where you can appreciate what they're doing. Why don't you go listen to your little "Kanye West", and what is that- a CD??? You cretin!

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What Your Dorm Posters Say About You

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 12:44:36 -0400

I don't smoke nearly as much weed as I tell people I do, none the less, don't borrow any money to me.

I have HBO, come hang out in my room.

I am a beer snob. I will scoff every time I see you drinking Keystone Light and ask you how you can "drink that piss".

I wear sweatpants and have never touched a woman's breast.

I carry a Nalgene bottle everywhere with me.

There is a 90% chance I will date rape a girl this year.

I will get drunk and lecture you on French New Wave films.

I watch you while you sleep.

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Why Flickr Sponsered Presidential Debate Didn't Really Work

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 02:38:45 -0400

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My Unfinished Summer Checklist

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 20:20:53 -0400

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Articles I Wrote Which Were Rejected By CollegeHumor

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 22:59:14 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> My Review of Memoirs of A Geisha

Why Chuck Norris Jokes Are Back In A Big Way

Jessica Alba; I Don't Get It

Analysis of Your Dreams That Will Just Make You Worry You're Gay

The Pro's and Con's of Compression Shorts

Darfur: There's Gotta Be A Joke In There Somewhere

How To Bypass Privacy Settings On Facebook and See If Your Ex-Girlfriend Is Hanging Out With Corey, That Little Slut

Gun To My Head, Yeah I'd Do Clive Owen

Top 10 Reasons I Can't Wait To Graduate And Get A 9 to 5 Job

If This Article Gets 100 Likes My Girlfriend Will Take Boob Pictures, and If That Picture Gets 1,000 Likes She Will Have Sex With Me. Please. I Need This.

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Roll The Dice: Andrew Dice Clay's Weekly Advice Column

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:54:39 -0400

Q: My boyfriend recently went on anti-depressant medication and as a result can't get an erection. What can we do in order to not lose our sex life?
-Taylor in Billings, MT

Andrew Dice Clay: Here's what you do sweet cheeks: you tell your pathetic little boy toy to pull his tampon out and quit being such a homosexual. The only thing worse than a whiny prick who's depressed is one that can't SCREW. I tell you how you can not lose your sex life, why don't you come on over here and let the Dice man put his cigarette out on ya tush.

Q: My wife and I just had a baby. It cries all night and as a result we haven't slept in weeks. What can we do before we lose our sanity?
-Tom in Los Angeles, CA

Andrew Dice Clay: I got a lullabye for you that my Mother used to sing to me that will put that little soft headed bastard to sleep. It goes like this:

Golden slumber kiss your eyes
Smiles await you when you rise
Sleep pretty baby do not cry
Or I'll get that abortion I told ya
filthy mother to get in the first place

Q: I'm thinking of asking my boss for a raise but I don't know how to bring the question up to her. What's the best way to ask for a raise?

-Jason in Syracuse, NY

Andrew Dice Clay: Whoa buddy, your boss is a broad? What happened to the days where the only jobs chicks were allowed to have involved them being on their knees? First you need to take your padded bra off and slap her in the face with your penis. Second, I would recommend gathering the last few performance reviews of yours. Build a strong case before you go in. Then you should research the salaries in the area for jobs that are similar to yours. But remember not to give an ultimatum. This will put your boss into a corner and cause them to be defensive.

Next week Andrew Dice Clay gives advice on what to do when you get bad hair cut.

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Unaired Dane Cook Special

Wed, 02 May 2007 15:27:56 -0400

This is a good crowd, you guys are great. G-R-A-T-E.

Audience Member: That's not how you spell great.

Anyways, yesterday I went to the Home Depot, or as I like to call it, the Home Depositum, that's latin. I like to speak latin sometimes, it's something that I do. Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. Delenda est Carthago mutha fucka! D-E-C, owww!

So anyways I was at Dairy Queen, the DQ, the Monarch of dairy goods, as I've been known to call it.

Audience Member: I thought you said you were at Home Depot?

I was ordering a cone, a twist cone. When it comes to ice cream I'm very indecisive. I don't like being backed into a corner and forced to choose chocolate or vanilla. I like them both. I'm very diplomatic. My friends call me Zalmay Khalilzad When I come over they say "Hey get Z.K. a beer!"

Audience Member: Who the fuck is Zalmay Khalilzad?

And I really like doing pranks, so I have this prank I do at Dairy Queen when I order my ice cream. I keep a real straight face, I put on my Shania Twain face.

Audience Member: That doesn't even make any sense.

And whenever you go to buy ice cream, there is always that one guy in line, you know who I'm talking about.

Audience Member: Um....

There's always that one guy who orders a fuckin M&M Frosty. Every single time! You'll be standing there and the guy in front of you goes "Um, yes my son would like an M&M frosty please". And it just makes me SOOOO mad! So what I did was I took the napkins dispenser and I threw it at the kids head, PEWH! Just like that, it made that noise when it hit the 11 year olds head-ish section. PEWH!

Audience Member: Why would you throw something at an 11 year old, he just wanted some ice cream?

Audience Member #2: And also, you just made that up. There is not always a guy at Dairy Queen who orders an M&M Frosty.

Well ladies and gentlemen, looks like we've got a heckler.

Audience Member: I'm not heckling you, I'm just pointing out that these aren't even jokes, you're just telling made up stories that aren't funny.

Ummm.... Delenda est Carthago mutha fucka! It's Z.K. in the house! Owwww!

Audience Member: Let's leave, I can't' believe I paid $150 for this.

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Prepare For The Most Sensual Night of Your Life

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 19:31:57 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Baby I hope you're ready for the most hedonistic night of your life. I'm gonna make you a delicious dinner of artichoke crowns and stuffed saffron-scented crab. A few glasses of red wine and before you know it we'll be relaxing in my jacuzzi. You like those multi-directional jet streams and underwater colored lights?

After our dip I'll slowly lead you up to my bedroom, prolonging the moment as long as I can. I bet the anticipation is killing you. I’ll open the door and carry you over the threshold. What's this in my room? Al Green in the CD player... on repeat. We're gonna be doing nasty things all night and won't have time to restart the CD. I'll light a luxury, orange blossom candle in a jar and let the fragrance dance through the air.

Next I'll put some warming massage oils on my hands and lather you all over your body. I got these in the adult section of Spencer's Gifts when I went to the mall today. They were $15 a bottle, but you're worth every penny baby. I can feel the electricity between us, the sexual tension is rising like my grand-father's cholesterol.

My lips will kiss every inch of your body. I'll try my hardest not to tickle you, but I forgot to shave today so I can't promise anything. Your skin is so soft and the candle light dances on the tiny beads of sweat. I kiss the entire geography of your body until I see a mole. I skip that part.

Pretty soon we won't be able to restrain ourselves. We'll be thrown into an uncontrollable frenzy of lust and we will have no choice but to give ourselves to the moment. I'll spread your legs and... actually, stop. Just stop for a second. I don't know if I'm ready to do this yet.

I'm not really sure that I'm comfortable taking this step yet, I mean I just met you last week. It has nothing to do with you, I’m just kind of scared and I don't know if we're prepared for this. I'm pretty smashed off those two glasses of wine and I might not be in the best state of mind to make big decisions.

I'm not totally sure this is the right choice for us right now, I hardly know you! Sex is a really big commitment and until we are better acquainted and are sure we’re mature enough to be doing this I think we should hold off. Maybe we can go on a few more dates, and if in like a month or two we still want to "do it" then we can. Let me show you to the door.

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I Can Explain My iTunes Library

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 08:13:46 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey you dudes want another beer? What kind do you- hey what are you doing on my computer? Don't go on the internet, I'm downloading... this thing. It's hard to explain. Just don't look at my bookmarks ok?

Yeah you can put some music on. Just don't- why do I have ABBA's greatest hits? Do I really have that? That's weird, I don't know how that got on there. It must have just downloaded somehow.

Hey Trav I got next game on the Wii! What? There's no Backstreet Boys songs on my computer. Is that even my computer? From the sounds of the gay music it must be... your computer. I don't know how your computer would get to my house, you tell me. Oh, that song. That was for a project for this class.

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