Ever wish you lived in a world where advertisers just got to the point? Wellwish no longer! Roll over for the bullsh*t-less versions of these ads.

Bass players are the most underappreciated members of any rock band. Next to their more theatrical bandmates, the bass player is often mistaken for boring or stiff. This couldn't be further from the truth. Bass players have many exciting moves all their own, like...

THE YEAR: 2019. Dale is playing Virtual Boy 6 when Chris rolls through the door.

Chris: Hey bro! Sorry about this. There were so many PT Cruisers outside I couldn't find a place to park my Segway.

Chris plops down on the couch and begins channel surfing.

Chris: Yo, toss me a Zima!

Dale: All out, bro. I've got New Coke, Coke II, and Crystal Pepsi.

Chris: Hey, the XFL playoffs are on. The Chicago Enforcers are playing the Orlando Rage.

News Anchor: We interrupt this broadcast of the XFL to bring you a tragic message: President Howard Dean has succumbed to the Asian Bird Flu.

Chris: (changing the channel) I hate how they schedule "Joey" at the same time as "Studio 60." They're both so f*cking good.

Dale: Really? I feel like "Joey" went downhill after the thirteenth season.

Jeff: Well, was it worth the wait?

Justice, I'm pretty sure.

Dan: I think new gladiator Toa expressed the passion borne from years of absence the best when he said "Oota bata oota zuga numa bata yama zuga boota botta yama zata fukka."

Jeff: Fifteen minutes in I thought Hellga was a front runner for future Surreal Life participant, but after watching two hours I'm almost positive it's going to be Wolf.

Sarah: Was anyone else completely disappointed by Hellga's performance?

Dan: She could talk the talk, but she couldn't large foam square the large foam square.

Sarah: It just goes to show you: gladiators should never wear skirts.

Dan: I think Sarah wants to talk about Titan. I say this because her legs are quivering.

Sarah: My blonde Gaston? He's a real-life Disney prince. Everytime he looked at the camera and flexed, I melted a little inside.

Jeff: Titan is so smug. He's like a character Conan O'Brian slips into for 10 second spurts.

According to Germanian folklore, this 19th-century Bavarian Duke was exiled by Slavic revolutionaries for his strict rule, but returns to his homeland each year on the night of the first snowfall to cobble the shoes of loyal Germans, and devour the children of unwed mothers.

Illustrations by Jonita Griffith.

Where to go, and what to expect when you get there:

A. Shady Ponds Senior Community
- Werther’s
- Raisins
- Pennies
- Grapes that hold the distant promise of one day being raisins
- Obsolete candy from the '50s, i.e. Yessuh™ brand Darkies
- Husband’s ashes

B. Overenthusiastic A-Hole Lane
- Man who hides in bushes, waiting to pounce (rumored Vietnam vet)
- Self-proclaimed defender of the Halloween Spirit who refuses to give candy to kids without costumes, doesn’t count “Pillowcase Face”
- Man who dresses up as something inappropriately horrifying (past costumes include Late Stage Pancreatic Cancer Victim and Neo-Nazi)

C. Desperate To Be A Cool Dad Street
- Unguarded basket filled with King Size Snickers, marked “Take One Only Please”
- Guilt
- Two King Size Snickers bars crudely taped together and marked “Emperor Size” (this is the ultimate house, unless you really like steak)
- Steak. Succulent, freshly-grilled slabs of USDA Grade-A marinated London Broil
- Candy Cigarettes

D. Mom Told Us Not To Go Here Alley
- Real Cigarettes
- Cans of spray paint and keys to his ex-wife’s house
- Just about anything in exchange for a bottle of Jim Beam – living room chairs, light fixtures, credit cards. Note: Make sure you bring a bottle of Jim Beam
- Unguarded basket filled with unsheathed razorblades, marked “Take As Many As You Want”
- An actual axe murderer. Dangerous, but he gives out King Size Zagnuts (your call)

E. The Dentist
- Unprecedented amounts of candy
- His business card

F. The Guy Who Pretends Not To Be Home
- An unspoken agreement that his house will be toilet papered

G. The Inventor of Runts
- Apology

Dear Bill Gates,

Here's a model I came up with for your next generation keyboards.

Dorm rooms are f*cked up. Always. Half the time you spend in your room you're probably wondering what the hell happened there before you moved in. The other half the time you're doing weird sh*t to it. Wouldn't it be great if you could ask past residents and warn future ones about those special little quirks?

A man clutches his chest and keels over into the aisle.

Stewardess: OH MY GOD! IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THIS FLIGHT?

Doctor: I'm a doctor. Step aside.

Stewardess: Is there anything you need?

Doctor:  Yes. Is there a nurse on this flight?!

Nurse: I'm a nurse.

Doctor: Dammit, there's no time, he stopped breathing. And if we don't act fast, we'll lose him.

Nurse: He's gone.

Stewardess: What? How?

Nurse: Is there a pathologist on this flight?!

Pathologist: I'm a pathologist.

Doctor: Any ideas?

Pathologist: From the way he fell it looked like a myocardial infarction. We won't know for sure until the results come back from the lab.

Stewardess: Wanna dumb that down for me? I'm not a rocket scientist.

Rocket Scientist: A heart attack.

Stewardess: Wow. A rocket scientist, a doctor, a nurse, a pathologist. What are the odds?!

Statistician: Roughly 1 in 140,000.

Doctor: Is there a pilot on this flight?

Pilot: Of course.

Doctor: We're going to need to turn this plane around.

Pilot: What about the career fair?

Career Fair Coordinator: I guess that can wait.

PERCY: Well now, hold on, good sir. I do believe that if you take another look at Mama’s will, you’ll see she bequeathed all seven acres of this estate to yours truly, including Father’s fine velvet chair.

BLANCHE: Percy! Mama would never leave our beloved home to a thieving little scoundrel like you. What manner of legal hornswagglin’ have you pulled?

ME: Huh? Velvet?... Whatever. It’s cool, Blanche. Percy can have the futon if he—

PERCY: Why, Blanche! I have never been so insulted. Are you insinuatin’ that I… I manipulated the will in some way?

BLANCHE: Don’t be coy with me, Percy Lee Grangerford. I've seen you down at the riverboat talkin’ with Mr. McCoy from the loan company. That no-good snake-in-the-grass has had his eye on our plantation since the war ended.

ME: Look, just give Blanche the futon, okay Percy? You can have the… the computer desk we got at Ikea last fall.

BLANCHE: (fainting) Heavens to Betsy, no! That davenport has been in our family for four generations, it has. Why, it belonged to our great-grandfather, General T. Thaddius Clemens. And it was supposed to pass to our  beloved brother, Whitney.

PERCY: Whitney?! (laughs) Why, that boy’s got such a wicked case of the consumption he can barely lift his pale white head off that silk divan he’s always lying on, much less a piece of fine mahogany like this. Ain’t that right, Whitney?

WHITNEY: Cough. Cough. (whispering) I’d hate to be a bother, but would one of ya’ll be kind enough to replace the leeches on my stomach? I believe I’m about due for a fresh blood-lettin’.

Nothing is quite as satisfying as building and displaying your own model. Today we will be building 1:48 scale Huey Hog chopper. You will need a modeling knife and plastic cement, as well as the included paints and decals. Let's begin:

---

1. Cut two halves of helicopter body (fig.1 and fig. 2) from plastic net A.

---

2. Shave plastic nubs from helicopter blades A, B, C, and D.

---

3. Glue body halves (fig. 1 and 2) together.