It's the most glamorous night of the year.

The biggest stars are out. The red carpet is laid down. Expensive gowns are zipped up. Tuxedos are donned. And all of Hollywood " and the world - is abuzz at what will happen. You break out the fancy snacks and that good dip that your mom used to make when you had sleepovers. And before it all starts, maybe you even place a bet or two on what will happen.

That's right, it's time to watch Lost!

(Oh yeah, and the Oscars happened.)

Here's what went down this week, in a lab rat maze:

She wanted breakfast in bed. Check.

She wanted flowers. Check.

She wanted you to wear a cheesy red tie that matched her dress. Check.

She wanted you to go down on her because, let's face it, you don't do that enough. Check.

She wanted you to write her a poem. Check.

She wanted you to write her a poem in Latin. Check.

She wanted you to spell out her name in giant letters on the quad in the blood of your ex-girlfriend. Check.

She wanted you to take her on a romantic Valentine's Day dinner. Check.

She wanted the dinner to start at 9pm.

O, HELL no, Bitch!

It's Thursday night, and in case you didn't get the homemade Valentine, I choo-choo-choose my islanders. Here's what went down this week, in a missile-like payload:

Decisions are difficult. And deciding between two people is even more difficult. Sometimes, a decision between two people affects our lives so deeply, that we weigh the consequences with the most intense thoughtfulness and every bit of intuition and insight we can squeeze out of our minds, and even our souls.

So, as we consider the pros and cons of each person, we ask ourselves: what's it going to be, guys, a white woman, or a black man?

As you stood in a voting booth on Super Tuesday, staring at both names, I'm sure you squinted your eyes just enough to make the name "Barack" look like JACK and the name "Clinton" look like LOCKE.

O, you Lostie, you!

Here's what went down this week, in a blinking transponder (and it was a LOT!):

Three months ago, the Writers Guild of America went on strike. They were concerned about the unfair compensation that writers receive for new media projects. The controversial strike, supported by other guilds such as the Screen Actors Guild, is necessary to force the producers to discuss the rights due to the writers.

But the writers forgot their secret weapon: A little tv show called Lost.

At 8pm on Thursday night, producers in New York and L.A. sat in front of their televisions.

And, if you turned down your volume and listened very closely, you could hear the soft weeping of the producers, wrecked with guilt, as they watched the finest specimen of a tv show ever created.

You can bet your ass they're going to resolve this strike now! There's no way we could live without our full 16 episodes this year.

Here's what went down this week, in a Hugo cannonball:

Parker Brothers recently released an all new "honest" Monopoly board. This new version cuts through all the bullsh*t of the regular board and allows players to experience the game the way it was meant to be played.

"CollegeHumor's Hardly Working" is a series of short and silly videos we shoot around the office. This episode is about a fun little game we play around the office called "Boys vs. Girls." Enjoy!

Sometimes you have to take one for the team.

I’m not one to approach tv stars. I don’t watch much tv, so I usually don’t even know who these “celebrities” are. And, even if I knew, I’m usually not impressed enough to embarrass myself with 30 seconds of awkward, one-sided conversation.

But, then an irresistible show like Lost comes along. And then, you somehow find yourself in the same room as Josh Holloway. Whaaaaaa?

I knew I had to do it, guys. I knew I had to go up to him and say hi. And, I knew I’d be cool and not call him Sawyer. No, I’d call him by his REAL name: James.

I almost didn’t do it. But, then I thought of you guys: the faithful “Morning After – Lost” readers.  I thought of Chiara from USC, and the Patricks (from MIT and from Purchase.) Hell, I even thought of the dude who keeps vying for the Ja Rule cameo. So, I downed my vodka tonic, and walked right up to him. I have no idea what was said, but I found this photo in my camera the next morning.

God bless us all.

Now, back to the important stuff. Here’s what went down this week, in a small pile of dynamite:

Alex gets Carl to warn our islanders that Ben and the gang are coming to the beach right away to take the pregnant women. Our beach dwellers rig up dynamite next to the marked tents so they can blow the Others the fuck up. The whole camp – minus a few shooters who will trigger the bombs - heads to the radio tower for safety, where they will stop Danielle’s old signal and try to transmit a distress call via Girl From The Sky’s satellite phone. But first, the underwater Looking Glass station must be accessed to stop jamming the radio signals. Charlie – knowing that he will die – swims to the station where he meets 2 chicks with guns.

Here’s what we learn:
1. Desmond has been hitting the gym. I noticed that he has been looking better and better, but I didn’t say anything. Then, the heterosexual male I was watching tonight’s episode with said, out of the blue, “Desmond looks hotttttttt!” (And, yes, he said it with that many t’s.)
2. Sayid’s lady is alive, and evidently living in England. Charlie once rescued her from a mugging.
3. Dominic Monaghan can’t let go of Lord of The Rings. Charlie’s brother Liam gave him a family heirloom, which Charlie leaves for Aaron when he goes on his mission to die.
4. Rose and Bernard are back! And, Jack is fucking badass again!
5. Charlie’s got a pretty firm belief in Desmond’s psychic abilities. He really could have tried verbal negotiation before knocking him out in the boat when Desmond offered to take Charlie’s place. But, Charlie really believes that he will hit the yellow button, die, and then everyone will be rescued.
6. Danielle is ready to kick some serious ass.
7. Little Alex is getting hotter. I’m going out on a limb here and saying she has even surpassed Kate.
8. This show is getting so exciting. I am so psyched for the 2 hour season finale!!!! Remember that it starts an hour early next week. Do NOT fuck this up, people!!!!!

Nothing is what it seems.

Well, duh. We all learned this in 1st grade, when we went to a birthday party and a magician who smelled like mold pulled a paper flower out of his ear. A few years later, we were reminded of this when Coca-Cola introduced those cans that looked like real soda but when you popped it open, a rolled-up $100 bill arose into your fingertips. And, years after even that, we learned this fact again when we woke up next to a fat, drunken mess who only hours before seemed like a hot piece of ass.

And now, as smart, well-read grown-ups, we are reminded of this fact on a weekly basis as we cuddle up with our favorite show every Wednesday night.

NOTHING is what it seems. The friendly Canadian Ethan turned out to be a murdering super hero. The grimy, raggy Others turned out to be scientists in theatrical costumes. The sure-fire love interest for Jack winds up banging the conman. Twice.

And now, someone who was as good as buried pops up alive and well?! One-Eyed Willy is alive???? WHO saw that coming??

Here’s what went down this week, in a ventilated lung:

Jin, Hurley, Charlie and Desmond try to figure out what to do with the chick who fell from the sky, who is dying and multilingual. Eye Patch McGee shows up and saves her on the condition that they let him go. Juliet tells Sun about pregnant women on the island and takes her to a station for an ultrasound. A Sun flashback teaches us more about Jin’s family.

Here’s what we learn:
1. Some of us may have been so smitten with bald Korean dude, that we may have overlooked the fact that – given the island’s powers – Jin could have been the real father. We learn that, in fact, he is. Which means Sun got pregnant on the island and therefore has about 2 months to live.

2. If you lived on the beach, you’d be getting suspicious of Jack right about now. Trust me, you would. Because everyone else is doing it, and you are such a follower.
3. The reason Jin was given more dirty work by Sun’s father is because Sun had to get money to give to Jin’s mother (who was blackmailing Sun.). We also learn that Jin’s mother is a prostitute, and that Sun has met Jin’s mother and father, but never told Jin this.

4. Even more importantly, the fisherman might not be Jin’s real father. The dad said the mom had been with many men. I only bring this up because many people were speculating about a possible link between Sun, Jin, and the Asian guy in the Dharma instructional videos.

5. According to the Portuguese lady, the passengers of Flight 815 were all dead, and the plane was found. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA? I’m sure we’ve all negated those early nascent Lost theories of heaven, hell and purgatory at this point, right? So, is she lying, or was the real world told that everyone died in order to cover up the work of the Others?

6. All Asian people on tv shows know marital.arts. Jin was kicking serious butt with the Russian dude. Btw, does any speak Russian? Did the chick really say “thank you?” This could give us a clue as to her motives. So, speak up, Russian majors!

We’ve all been there. We’re depressed: the person we love kisses someone else on the playground, takes someone else to the prom, or has a picnic with someone else on the beach of a deserted island under a tarp several weeks after one of them was in a plane crash, and the other was part of a clandestine and possibly diabolical scientific experiment. Yeah, we all know what that’s like.

We’re upset, even though we don’t want to admit it. So, we throw ourselves into the arms of Option 2, someone whose attention we don’t crave as much as that of Option 1. And, maybe we kiss Option 2. Maybe we let them go down on us. And, some of us, I’m assuming, fuck the shit out of Option 2 in a forceful Monster’s Ball style sex session to make all of our problems disappear, for at least a moment.

Kate, we were all stoked about the cameos from your bra and panties. And, while we love to watch you and Sawyer get it on, when you threw yourself at him with a tear-streaked face after seeing Jack with Juliet, I really just wanted to give you a hug. Hang in there, girl!
 
Here’s what went down this week, in a can of Dharma beans:

Desmond has a vision that Charlie will die and Penny will come to the island. He takes Charlie, Hurley, and Jin across the island, and almost sacrifices Charlie’s life to find Penny. Instead, a mysterious chick falls from the sky in a helicopter crash. She says Desmond’s name and then passes out. Kate and Sawyer have intercourse.

Here’s what we learn:

1. Desmond was a monk. He had been engaged to a girl named Ruth, and he left her just before the wedding to join a monastery. It was upon leaving the monastery that he met Penny. The monastery is also where Desmond picked up the whole “Brother” thing.

2. Monks can be fired. I totally did not know that. “Fired?” Really? Shouldn’t it be called “asked to step down” or “de-robed” or something?

3. If Lost gets canceled and they start a spin-off called “This Show Is Nothing But Sweaty Sawyer and Sweaty Jack Playing Ping Pong,” I would totally watch that show.

4. Sawyer can be sweet. He gave Kate a tape, even though it was stolen. He’s really an ass but when he did that, I said, “Awwwww!” aloud. This makes me think that I might become one of those women who lets her husband beat her as long as he buys her flowers every couple of months.  O, crap.

5. Scary campfire stories can still be scary even in Korean.

6. Desmond’s visions are getting super clear. Even though he wasn’t exactly correct, it’s definitely worth pointing out that his psychic powers confirm any suspicions that the island has at least some supernatural powers.

7.  Now that I’ve moved back to the East Coast, your Lost updates should be up 3 hours earlier. Then again, it’s now almost 3am, so nevermind…..

Billions of years ago, we were little more than mindless organisms floating aimlessly through the ocean. Tiny, single-celled, conscious-less beings that drifted through liquid in whichever direction it took us. Millions of years later, we developed eyes, fins, and the sensation of pain. But, we still lacked a sense of self. Millions of years after that, we left the water, growing legs, and forming simple, working bonds with other organisms of our species. But, it wasn’t until millions of years even after that that we grew to walk upright, use tools, and eventually develop the first sense of purpose, reason, or doubt. There must have been one of us, at some point, that stopped one day, mid-stride, dropped his club, looked up at the sky and said, “Why?”

Whoever that being was, I am naming him Sayid.

Finally!!!! After months of our seemingly street smart islanders being put in situation after situation where they didn’t ask the most apparent questions, Sayid finally came through. I have pointed out before that one of the fatal flaws of this show is that our plane survivors don’t ask the Others enough questions when they have the chance. There have been instances (like when Jack was needed to save Ben’s life) that they could have demanded answers, but they refused to do it, until now. Sayid seems to be the only one with enough sense to step up. And, even though his questions weren’t answered, at least they were asked. Finally!

Here’s what went down this week, in a fertility vaccination dose:

Sayid, Kate, Jack, and Juliet head back to the beach, where no one but Jack trusts Juliet. We see more of Juliet’s past, learning that she really is trapped on the island and that her sister and nephew are alive and cancer free. Sayid and Sawyer try to get info out of Juliet, but Jack is being all protective of her. Claire gets super sick and Juliet saves her, but this was all a ploy to win over the beach dwellers. Because, in reality, Juliet is a spy, just like we thought!

Here’s what we learn:

1. The island does have ambiguous healing powers. We knew this already with Locke’s paralysis that was healed and with Rose’s illness going into remission (speaking of which, where the hell have she and Bernard been?). But Ben confirms that the island can help cure cancer, and that he knows how to cure cancer off of the island, too.

2. Juliet and Goodwin were doing the nasty. I had thought that perhaps she and Ben had a romantic past at some point, but this doesn’t seem to be the case.

3. Juliet is a spy. That fucking whore. Those of us who were smart were on to her all along. As I said last week, I had thought that she made up the whole being gassed thing. I never liked her and her plastic-surgery-looking nose anyway. However, Juliet really does seem to be a victim. She’s only working for Ben because he can get her off of the island. She’s spying for “one week.” Then what?

4. We learn more about Juliet’s work on the island. She had been trying impregnate women on the island, which, for some reason, was impossible. The women would all die. The question still remains though, why did they need to impregnate women on the island?

5. Remember when we used to have to watch the last 2 minutes of that awful Freddy Prince, Jr show before Lost each week, and we thought “There could NOT be a worse show to lead into Lost?” I’ve got four words for you: In Case of Emergency.

6. huh? Did I watch this part wrong, or did Juliet leave the camp at night to get the medical supplies and when she got there it was midday? The caves weren’t that far, were they?

7. We’re told that Ethan had been “helping” Claire by giving her the injections. And that when he kidnapped her, he was “improvising.” But, can we believe this part of what Juliet said? We know she was lying about Claire’s sickness, but was she telling the truth about Ethan, and about Claire’s earlier injections?…Thoughts?

8. Sawyer and Kate are going to fuck again. Soon. Very, very soon.

They put shrink wrap on porn magazines for many reasons. One of the reasons is so that people don’t take a free peek. Another reason is so people don’t tear out a page without buying the magazine. And, yet another reason is so people don’t jerk off in the back of the 7-11 and leave the magazine stand covered in semen.

Yeh, that’s probably the main reason.

But, another reason is because that plastic cover gives a sense of mystery. A sense of unknown excitement. It’s about anticipation.

And, sometimes, that anticipation is better because the real “prize” isn’t as great as you hoped it would be.

I’m talking about the girl fight, people. That teaser last week of 2 chicks fighting in the rain made even a heterosexual girl giggle with glee. But, the payoff was not at all what it could have been. We could have definitely used more hair pulling, bitch slapping, and wet cleavage. But, alas, we still got a decent episode.

Here’s what went down this week, in a boar meat morsel:

Locke comes to the room where Kate is being held and gives her an esoteric good-bye. The Dharma people pack up quickly, leave the village (to go where?), and gas Kate, who wakes up in the jungle hand-cuffed to Juliet. They have a chick fight, run from the monster, and it’s revealed that Juliet handcuffed herself to Kate so she wouldn’t be left behind again. They get Jack and Sayid and head back to the beach. A flashback tells us that Sawyer’s main-squeeze con victim, Cassidy, once befriended Kate. Our comedic side story involves Hurley conning Sawyer into being nice to people.

Here’s what we learn:

1. The Others have a flair for the dramatic. They probably didn’t really need to gas Kate, Jack, Juliet, or anyone, before leaving. But it made for 10 more minutes of television.

2. The old saying, “You can’t con a con man” is decidedly FALSE. Sawyer conned?! Into being NICE!? Take THAT, James! Also, Sawyer may have a kid! Cassidy said she was preggers.

3. The monster is back. Remember back when we saw a slow motion view of the black smoke with Mr. Eko? C’mon, I know you all hit the tivo rewind button to see the images of faces in the smoke. Well, this time, the monster flashed a bright light on Juliet and Kate, almost as if it were taking a picture. Thoughts?

4. Dude, Juliet is a sketchy bitch. We’ve gotten to trust her because she seems to be a bit of an outcast from the Others. And, because she and Ben seem to have a rocky history, and because they lied to her, branded her, and won’t send her home. But, can she really be trusted? How do we know she was really gassed, too? How do we know she’s not just being a spy? I’m with Sayid on this one: she should not be coming back with them. And, btw, when Sayid said that, why didn’t Kate speak up about the fact that Juliet LIED and handcuffed them together?? C’mon, Kate!

5. Sun is still pissed at Sawyer. boo-hoo.

6. The smoke is not an agent of the Others. Which means one of two things: Either it is an agent of the “island,” which is a mystical or scientific phenomenon that is separate from the work of the Others. OR, it means that it is perhaps an agent of the original Dharma initiative people. And, that our “Others” are a newer group (the “hostiles?”).  This history of the Others is still sketchy. What do you guys think?

7. Anyone else reminded of the Lost Colony of Roanoke when the Others up and left for no reason? (I really just wanted to show you all how smart I am with my knowledge of American history.) I think a good plotline would be if our beach dwellers all moved into the now empty Dharma village, and then they became crazy like the Others.

Discuss!

We all did it. We saw the two sexy yet nameless passengers starting out as glorified extras and eventually graduating to half-ass cast members with a few more lines. We thought we knew exactly what was up. We thought we were smart. We thought, “Listen, Lost writers. We know what the fuck you’re up to. We remember the Dr. Arzt Syndrome. You’re going to quickly introduce us to these guys and then quickly kill them off.”

We were so sure of it that we got cocky. So much so that even when the fake-out stripper death foreshadowed the fake-out island deaths, we totally missed it. And, when we saw Nikki collapse on the beach, we thought, “Duh! I knew this was gonna happen. Tell me something I don’t know!”

And, then, we were kicked right in the cunt with a dose of Lost reality. Because, we must remember, NOTHING is what it seems.

Here’s what went down this week, in a tiny Russian doll:

Nikki (our rarely featured beach dweller) runs through the jungle with her panties in a bunch, buries something important looking, and then “dies” on the beach in front of Sawyer and Hurley. A flashback sequence – coupled with a rarely used time travely flashback sequence of island events – reveals that Paulo and Nikki are lovers who conned and murdered an old dude for some diamonds. Paulo found the diamonds after the crash and has been hiding them from Nikki, so she paralyzes him with a spider, which also paralyzes her. Everyone thinks they are dead, and they are BURIED ALIVE!

Here’s what we learn:

1. Nikki’s an actress, kind of a bitch, and looks great in a sparkly bikini.

2. When there’s no “previously on” at the start of the episode, chances are we won’t learn anything new, and the episode can pretty much stand on its own. It was kind of like a short film…great within itself, with twists and turns, but not really needed to advance any major plot points.

3. Nikki’s an idiot. She’s got great tits (those not very big, but very nicely shaped kind…which, as a thin girl myself, I am a big supporter of), but she’s not too quick. Cases in point: She tells Paulo – who’s Brazilian – that they missed Thanksgiving – which is an American holiday. And, she totes did not listen to Arzt when he said that the Medusa spider would attract other spiders.

4. Charlie tells Sun that he kidnapped her. This was only useful so that Sun could bitch slap Sawyer.

5. Billy Dee Williams looks fantastic. Star Wars, Colt 45 commercials, and Lost?!? That’s the fucking entertainer’s trifecta right there, motherfuckers!

6. Alternate camera angles evoke odd emotions. When we see new views of the plane wreckage, and an alternate take on Jack’s “live together; die alone” speech, we realize that we really had ostracized certain passengers right from the get-go. So, let’s not be douchebags, people. Invite that loner kid to sit with you at the dining hall tomorrow. Who knows…you may find out that he looks great in a sparkly bikini.

 

Your head is pounding. Your skin in sunburnt. Your shoes are filled with sand. Your hair hasn’t been washed in 5 days except by the ocean. Your face is still buried between a fantastic set of tits. Well, pull it out and come up for some air. You may be on SPRING BREAK, but it’s Lost time, baby!

So, find the only television that exists in the city of Negril, kick the Jamaican drug lords out of the room (don’t worry; they’ll understand), and negotiate those rabbit ears until your favorite islanders make an appearance on the screen.

Here’s what went down this week, in a nutshell (an Oceanic Airlines peanut-shell, that is):

Sun and Jin help Claire try to catch a seagull to tag it with a rescue note. Desmond prevents Charlie from helping because of another vision. An Aussie-filled flashback reveals that Claire’s mom is in a vegetative state because of a car accident they were in together. Also, Jack’s dad is Claire’s dad (duh). Locke, Sayid, Kate and Frenchy come upon a security fence. Locke tosses Mr. Eye Patch into the force field, killing him. They climb over the fence and get to the Dharma village and see Jack playing football like he’s in an Old Spice ad.

Here’s what we learn:

1. Hollywood already found the 3 Australians who can act: Watts, Kidman, and Gibson. The Aussies in this episode were horrendous. The doctor? The cop? The aunt? It was like a bad grade school play. At least Claire quit her whining and had a decent crying scene, maybe her best thus far. But, where did they find the rest of these people? Outback Steakhouse?
2. Rumblings of The List are back. We know it’s a list of people. We now know that Kate, Sayid, and Locke (I think) are not on it because they are “flawed.” We know that there is a  “great man” that eye patch is speaking of. Is this Hanso, or is it the elusive Jacob? Thoughts?
3. ABC may have lost (pun intended) its flair for story, plot, and structure, but they still have a knack for great episode endings. Jack running toward Kate like he’s escaping, and then catching a football! I was totally faked out. I even had my hands up to my mouth, in a moment of shock. Seriously.
4. If you are flying down to Spring Break, and when you’re on the plane, you look around and wonder who you’ll be friends with when the plane crashes on an island, maybe you watch too much tv.
5. Those of us who are (or were) on Team Locke are getting worried. I thought for sure he was our fucking rock. But, is he really just Mr. CrazyTown? Why did you steal a block of C-4, John? Why??? Next week is your week. Please give us a reason to love you. We need one.

Sure, you may have attended an Oscar party last weekend. Hey, maybe you even hosted one. You sat around your dorm room or apartment and joked about Camren Diaz’s too-recent face surgery. Your roommate made inappropriate comments during the death montage. You placed bets on mediocre performances, most of which you never even made it out to see. You pretended to have a good time. But, deep down, you were really thinking, “To hell with the Oscars. The real talent in this industry is on the best television show ever created.”

Lost, mother fuckers!

Here’s what went down this week, in a Dharma beer gulp:

Kate and Sawyer get back “home” to their friends on the beach. Sawyer’s still being a gayrod over Kate. Vincent leads Hurley to a beat up hippie van that contains a dead guy and beer. Hurley and the boys eventually get it up and running. Charlie’s worried about dying, but Hurley cheers him up. Kate enlists the French chick to help her rescue Jack. Overall, it was a feel-good episode.

Here’s what we learn:

1- Honestly, not much. This may have been the least information-producing episode of Lost ever, but I have to say that it was also one of my favorites. Definitely the most laugh-out-loud moments.

2- Cheech Marin is still working. Who knew Sawyer’s “Cheech” reference earlier this season was foreshadowing? 

3- We learn that Hurley’s curse is pretty real. Also, he was fucking adorable as a kid. But, most importantly, we learn that having a deadbeat dad can lead a kid into childhood obesity.

4- This episode has stellar (yes, I used the word ‘stellar’) shock value moments: the dead skeleton arm with a key, the meteor hitting Mr. Cluck’s (that was awesome), and the almost-car crash.

5- Jin is learning English. It’s about time, Mr. Foreigner! You’re in America, damn in! And, by “America,” I mean on a fictional island off the coast of Australia. But, I am glad that they are making an attempt to have this happen gradually, and not like in Splash, when the mermaid learned English in one day. We all know mermaids can’t learn that fast.

6- If you’re an insane Lost fan, you’d know that Randy, Hurley’s boss from the chicken place, is ALSO Locke’s boss from the box company. I believe this was done as a decoy, to make us believe that perhaps people are “chosen” to be on the island. But, now I think that the real reason is simply because Hurley had invested in the box company, and he needed to get Randy a new job after the meteor hit the restaurant. Thoughts?

On Monday, we honored the brave and intelligent men who, as President, have led our country through the 3 great eras in American History: the era of revolution, the era of progress, and the era of Lost. Yes, that’s a real era. Look it up, people!

We’re smack dab in the middle of the Lost era, so thank you Mr. Presidents! Here’s what went down this week, in an Apollo Bar bite:

Kate, Sawyer and Carl head back to the big island. Carl gets all gushy-eyed over Alex, and Sawyer tells him to go back for her. Jack is moved to a cage, where other people (from the plane?) – looking well-rested and clean – come to “watch” something.  Juliet is put on trial for killing Danny, but Jack asks Ben to spare her life. A Jack-tastic flashback reveals that Jack once spent over a month in Thailand, where he got his tattoo from a chick with a ‘gift.’ Jack, Juliet, and Ben (needing Jack’s care) eventually head back to the main island.

Here’s what we learn:

1. Jack definitely has a VD. He’s had sex multiple times with an Asian punk rock street girl who wears dresses the size of cocktail napkins. AND he got a tattoo in Thailand. VD central, people!

2. Love’s a brewin’. Carl misses Alex. Alex misses Carl. Sawyer is getting all girly over Kate not paying him enough mind. And, Juliet and Jack had a tender moment or two. I’m putting money on another island sex scene before spring.

3. There is one fatal flaw in the format of this show, although I’m not sure how it can be resolved: Our friends taken prisoner don’t ask enough questions. Kate and Sawyer could have drilled Carl as to what the fuck is going on with this whole thing, but Kate only asked him a handful of things. And, when Jack has the power of keeping Ben alive – or even when he’s alone with Alex - why doesn’t he ask more sweeping questions, like “Tell me what the fuck is going on here, or Ben dies.” It don’t make-a no sense.

4. When you see your ex-boyfriend in a really cheesy and terrible Olive Garden commercial that airs during one of the most popular shows on television, you realize you have the upper hand in the post-break-up relationship.

5. There are other people from the plane alive! We met the stewardess. Does anyone know where they came from?

6. We learn that there’s another power-hitter on the island. Isabel, the sheriff, is a creepy female version of Ben who presides over trials. She looks uptight, and would probably loosen up if someone went down on her.

7. Jack’s tattoo – at least the Chinese characters part – is a somewhat spiritual marking that he wasn’t supposed to get. But, it tells who he is; it means that he is a great leader, but a lonely one. Duh. 

Discuss!

Who needs candy? Or cheap red teddy bears? Or flowers? Or fancy dinners? Or sexy lingerie? Or companionship?

Who needs LOVE, people, when you’ve got LOST?

Singles won this week, since those of us who didn’t have some whiny bitch to overspend on at the Olive Garden got to sit home and cuddle up with our favorite islanders.

And what a treat indeed! It seems like years since we’ve checked in with our beach dwelling comrades. But, like slipping into bed with an ex, it was confusing and full of questions at first, but soon became comfortable and just what we needed.

Ok, I’ll stop the Valentine’s crap and get to it. Here’s what went down, in a Lost nugget:

Locke and Sayid (remember them?) tell Charlie and Hurley that Eko has died. Desmond has a premonition and saves Claire from drowning, drawing suspicion to his possibly psychic powers. The rest of the episode is largely a flashback style “time travel” that Desmond experienced after the hatch had blown up. In this sequence (possibly just a dreamlike concussion state), Desmond is thrust back into the real world a few years prior – when he was still with Penny – and, in that sequence, he has premonitions of his future.

Here’s what we learn:

1. Mini-boo! I’m a little disappointed. While this episode did reintroduce the dichotomy of faith and science, I don’t really think that Desmond’s flashback was ambiguous enough. It seemed too obvious that it was just a result of the concussion. But, maybe they are making it too obvious on purpose? We do, however, get confirmation that Desmond has some sort of psychic abilities on the island.

2. No matter how many times you show commercials for 300, Ghost Rider, or Wild Hogs, there is no way that anyone who watches Lost is stupid enough to see any of those films.

3. We are reminded about weather, with the rain in the flashback, and the mention of the predicted lightning. I’d like to point out that weather plays an important role in this series. Notice how it rains at very specific times on the island, like when people are doing things they really shouldn’t be. Keep in mind that it is very expensive for a television series to shoot in the rain. So, if it’s raining, it’s probably for a reason. I’m convinced that the Others – or someone on the island – control the weather.

4. Dominic Monaghan’s contract may be up. Desmond predicted Charlie’s imminent death.

5. We learn that Penny’s father is a real douche bag. We had inklings of this before, but now we know for sure: Douche Bag Central. The Republic of Douche Bag. Douche Bags ‘R’ Us.

6. Time may pass differently on the island than it does in the rest of the world. This is most evident when we see that Claire is wearing skinny jeans, which TOTES did not become popular in the rest of the world until well after flight 815 crashed. Hmmmmm….curious.

Cell phones were silenced, salsa and chips were placed on the coffee table, and everyone in the room was told to shut the fuck up. Why? Because Lost is back, baby!

Poor, evil, maniacal Ben has been bleeding for three months (in our time) through a small incision in his kidney, leaving him to die unless Kate and Sawyer were brought to safety.

Here’s what went down this week, in a cyber nutshell:

Kate and Sawyer escape from their cages. They kick the crap out of two “Others,” in a violent yet totally sexy way, as only Kate and Sawyer can.
They bump into Alex (the hot 16-year-old who looks like a hot 25-year-old) who helps them get a boat only after they help rescue her boyfriend, Carl, who is being held in some sort of brain-numbing over-stimulation chamber.
Jack tries to play his “I can let Ben die” card. But he finally fixes him when Juliet asks him to, promising that she will help Kate and Sawyer, which she does.

Here’s what we learn:

1. Watching Lost is better than doing anything else with your time, like homework, or sleeping.

2. Alex is Ben’s daughter.  Huh? How? Do they mean like an adopted daughter? Or did Ben and the French chick do the wild thing and make a baby? But Frenchy said that she traveled to the island with her husband who died there; Ben claims he was born on the island. Damn you, Lost, and your never-ending questions!

3. Sawyer’s wisecracks are fucking awesome. I swear this shit never gets old. A girl who hides us underground? Let’s call her “Underdog!” A kid who’s so stoned on TV images that he can’t talk? Let’s call him “Cheech!” O, Sawyer! What adorable nickname will you call me when my dreams come true and I let you make love to me in all your sweaty glory? I can’t wait to find out!

4. We learn about Juliet’s past. She wasn’t born on the island. She was brought into the Dharma initiative under shady circumstances. And, she has a sister whom she helped get preggos through some crazy experiment.

5.  ABC is pushing it. Listen, Lost Producer People, I’ve been pretty forgiving with the whole “suspension of disbelief” thing. I’ll believe that a polar bear lives on a tropical island. I’ll buy it that a little black kid can tell the future and summon animals with his mind. Hell, I’ll even believe that Kate’s legs stay smoothly shaven when she hasn’t seen a Bic in weeks. But, DON’T PUSH IT, people. A walkie-talkie being shot out of her hand with no injury to her?? And, even more shocking, an ugly, short, balding, evil doctor who lands two hot chicks (Juliet and the hot research assistant)?!? I don’t think so, Lost! We’re all on board with your stretching of reality. But, let’s not be assholes!

I will, however, forgive. Because I LOVE YOU, LOST, See you next week!

I swear to God you guys, she said that. Seriously, you don’t understand how much I need this. Just do this one thing for me, you know I’d do it for you. Check this out.

 
100 likes I get the threesome

 
150 likes and it gets to be with another girl

 
200 likes and I post pictures of it

 
300 likes and she won’t tell people I hit her

 
400 likes and I can have Amir Blumenfeld videotape it

450 likes and Jeff Rubin will videotape Amir videotaping it, and we'll post it on CollegeHumor

 
500 likes and she’ll respect me

 
550 likes and I get anal.