Alright class, most of you know our final exam's just around the corner. If you've got any questions regarding the course material, feel free to ask now we can discuss it for 5 minutes or you can send me an e-mail before 5:00, as I've only got a 56K dial-up at home and a limited AOL subscription.

(75 minutes left in class)
Lulu Chang: How many questions will there be?
Professor: It'll be 50 multiple choice questions.
Craig: True/False multiple choice?
Professor: No. It'll be normal multiple choice.
Lulu Chang: So it'll be a, b, c, and d right?
Craig: Yeah, there better not be an e option. That wouldn't be cool.
Professor: I'm not about "being cool". If I wanted to "be cool" I would've done the Peace Corp after college instead of going to graudate school.
Lulu Chang: So there is an e option?
Professor: Yes, there will be.
Craig: God damnit!

---

Craig: What's the test on?
Professor: Everything from after last test.
Craig: So it's not cum-yew-la-tive?
Professor: I think the word you're thinking of is cumulative. It's got a "Q" sound. And no, no it's not.
Craig: I know what I said.

---

Drummer: Driver, step on it!

Guitarist: Those fans are crazy. Someone threw a brick at me...like a real live brick...

Drummer: Enough bitching! What the hell happened to you back there Chad?

Guitarist: Umm, I started playing poorly?

Drummer: So you decided to just stop playing all together?

Guitarist: Well I missed like 12 notes in a row man. It was really embarrassing.

Drummer: Well, guess what? It was really REALLY embarrassing when I went into overdrive, covered for your lazy ass, and then you go mess up the song again...

Guitarist: I went backstage to heat up a hotdog. I told you that! Anyways, you didn't even give me that break to eat between gigs...

Drummer: You are so selfish bro. We were freaking 85% done and I already did that hard solo...

Guitarist: I'm sorry man, I just think we need a break...like maybe a month or two off? I don't think I can handle this many shows a day.

Drummer: What was that?

Guitarist: We've done over eighty gigs! In twelve hours! In nine countries! It is exhausting!

Drummer: Oh, so that makes it alright just to abandon a gig in front of 40,000 screaming fans?

Guitarist: You're right, it's not alright, but it doesn't change the fact that I am sick and tired of playing covers of Lit's My Own Worst Enemy. That song wasn't even that good.

We've had some pretty sick nasty office pranks around the CollegeHumor offices over the years, so we thought we'd share a select few gems from the archives. If you feel like you can upstage us, well go to hell, then send yours to MyOfficePranks@GMail.com.

When one of the developers, Amir, went to lunch we took a label maker and labeled everything on his desk - his pencils, his keyboard buttons, his mouse.  We also labeled every piece of paper in his printer as "Paper". We also coverered Streeter's entire desk area in little cups of water when he was out of the office. That'll teach people to leave.
Sarah and Team, Editorial


On my birthday a bunch of people duct taped me to my chair, put me in the elevator and sent me down to the lobby.
Nick, Development

I took this bartending class with two people from work (who live together) and we were supposed to get our certificates 2 weeks after the final if we passed. I got mine a day early so I decided to scan the acceptance letter into Photoshop and change it to a rejection letter, then, with the help of his roommate supplying me with a mailbox key, went to his apartment, opened the manilla envelope on the bottom, took out the replaced the certificate with the rejection letter then used double sided tape to seal it back up.
Rosie, Editorial

In 1995 there were only three Web sites. One of them was a slick java game that allowed you to attack Barney with a variety of weapons (so neat!). The other two were porn sites. The Internet has grown considerably since then and it’s hard to keep up,

We here at CollegeHumor understand. You’re busy. You don’t always have time to bust out your gnarly 12-foot internet surfboard and hang ten on the online all day. There are other things you’d rather do in that time, like play Halo 3, sleep or get drunk.

That’s why we’ve created Today’s BIG Thing. Today’s Big Thing is simple. We find the best video on the Internet every day and put it on the site. One video, every day. That’s it. It’s easy, fun and much more fun than writing a paper.

PS Click http://www.todaysbigthing.com that’s the url, that url again is http://www.todaysbigthing.com

PPS The Barney site is still around too.

I was able to beta test this new cutting edge technology. Not all the kinks are worked out, but these screenshots are pretty revealing...

Amir got me pretty bad a few weeks ago and since then I've been plotting a good way to get him back.  I spent the past two weeks working on this prank and I must say, I'm pretty happy with the results.  Enjoy!

We all know about the priest's erection in The Little Mermaid, and the sand that spells "sex" in The Lion King. Check out these other hidden easter eggs that Disney's animators slipped into their classic films:


The Little Mermaid. Animator Pete Longstaff cleverly snuck his initials into the background!

Hey, did you guys know that now you can hit on Sarah Schneider without publicly looking like a douchebag? Please welcome the CollegeHumor Message System, built mostly by me- with a little help from the programmers. It took ME a while to make, but I finally did it.  Here's how it works:

1. Click on the little envelope in a user's comment box or profile.
2. Write a message

Did I mention that it's very easy to use? I designed it that way. Some people have asked me, "Jake, how did you manage to build an awesome messaging system with only a VERY limited knowledge of basic html?"

"Can't hear you over the sound of all this money rolling in," I like to say.

Special Thanks to Adam Gotterer for building the message system.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who, in my opinion, exhibited gross professional negligence and blatant disrespect while in my apartment to repair a clogged toilet. Though the employees refused to give their full names, I recall one being a short, pudgy man in red overalls, and the other tall and lanky in green overalls. Both had thick moustaches, and the short one, possibly a recuperating stroke victim, repeatedly shouted the name of your company in a high-pitched Italian accent.

I led the two gentlemen into the bathroom, explained the problem, told them I would be in the living room if they had any questions, and left them to their work. When I returned around half an hour later, however, I discovered the short one sitting cross-legged on the tile floor popping psychotropic mushrooms from a Ziploc bag, and the tall one—apparently tripping already—attempting to squeeze himself down my toilet and incoherently rambling something about getting to the "Mushroom Kingdom"—a place he appeared to already be in.

I went to the kitchen and began to call their supervisor. As I dialed, I heard a loud crash from my bedroom. I hung up the phone and ran over to discover the two had found their way in from the bathroom, and that the tall one had thrown my change jar to the ground and was scooping the coins up for, as he explained, "an extra life." Meanwhile, the short one was biting the heads off my girlfriend Christy's orchids. When I ran over to stop him, he warned me he now possessed the ability to shoot orbs of fire from his mouth.

At this point, I was more concerned over the two men's health, as well as the safety of my apartment. When I suggested calling an ambulance they began to panic. The tall one, under the delusion he could demolish brick walls with the top of his skull, ran headfirst into my bedroom wall, knocking himself unconscious. Then the short one jumped in the air, grabbed the lighting fixture above, ripped it from the ceiling and, screaming about his newfound "invincibility," leaped through my second-story window. Miraculously, he survived this fall, and continued to run down Union Ave. grasping my bedroom light and trying to squash every pigeon on the sidewalk he passed.

Recently, Special Forces in Afghanistan uncovered a series of photographs of Osama bin Laden. These photographs have led the United States government to believe that bin Laden has recently acquired a MacBook -- possibly even a 17-inch MacBook Pro. As the FBI works with Apple to track down this terrorist mastermind, CollegeHumor invites you to take a look at the evidence.

I swear to God you guys, she said that. Seriously, you don’t understand how much I need this. Just do this one thing for me, you know I’d do it for you. Check this out.

 
100 likes I get the threesome

 
150 likes and it gets to be with another girl

 
200 likes and I post pictures of it

 
300 likes and she won’t tell people I hit her

 
400 likes and I can have Amir Blumenfeld videotape it

450 likes and Jeff Rubin will videotape Amir videotaping it, and we'll post it on CollegeHumor

 
500 likes and she’ll respect me

 
550 likes and I get anal.

This week's man of the century is Virginia Tech's Phill Hess, who created the season's most impressive Jack-O-Lantern:

Don't believe it's real? Check out some of the close-ups. Though we've received hundreds of jack-o-lantern submissions ranging from the pornographic to the nostalgic, this one is easily the most impressive. I'm no expert and I've done no research, but I'm ready to declare this the single greatest work of art ever committed to the medium of pumpkin. Look at the detail on the brow. Look at the extra attention that went into projecting TRUTHINESS in the back wall. Look at the way Colbert's gaze pierces your very soul. This is more than a jack-o-lantern - this is a masterpiece-o-lantern. Phill reports that, from start to finish, the pumpkin took four hours to complete. The entire project was completed with an exacto knife. "Getting the TRUTHINESS to project on the wall correctly was the hardest part," Phil said in an exclusive interview, "much harder than the face." This isn't Phill's first Jack-O-Lantern to grace CollegeHumor. Last year, he submitted this Hokie-O-Lantern. If he doesn't send in something better than the Colbert-O-Lantern next year, his Man of the Century status will be revoked. Congratulations Phill! You are truly the MAN OF THE CENTURY. Here's some of our other favorites from over the years: