Aladdin: Genie, I've got my first wish.

Genie: Alright, let's hear it.

Aladdin: I want Princess Jasmine to lust for me non-stop.

Genie: Uh-uh, I can't make anyone fall in love with -

Aladdin: No. Lust. Like, she wants to bang me all the time, day and night. No love required.

Genie: Oh...come on. That's pretty much the same thing.

Aladdin: I live on the streets and my best friend is the monkey from Outbreak, you think I'm ready for a steady girlfriend?

Bill: Hello, new acquaintance.

Dave: Hey, neighbor, can I ask you something?

Bill: City hall. Rain cloud. Dollar sign.

Dave: Um, yeah. Listen, I really need a friend. My boss says I can't get promoted until I get one and learn something about cooking. Life in politics is not what I imagined.

Bill: Soccer ball. Earth. Ghost!

Dave: Uh...huh.

Bill: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Pause.

Dave: So....you watch any sports or anything?

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Um, no thanks. I only ask because my TV only gets four channels, and they all speak this non-sense jibberish language. It's so weird.

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Uh, still no, thanks.

Bill: Tickle!

Dave: Haaaa...very funny. That was not at all awkward.

Bill: We're friends now.

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS...

Victim: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS!

Zombie #2: Mark.

Zombie #1: Shhh, I'm trying to stay focused here. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!

Zombie #2: Mark that guy is getting away from us, like, really easily.

Zombie #1: Dude I know. Who would've thought a middle-aged used car salesman could suddenly turn into frickin' Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt when he was alive, I mean. Zombie Usain Bolt is slower than me somehow.

Zombie #2: But that guy's just... he's just walking briskly.

Zombie #1: I know! It's like, where's the fire, asshole? I mean, there's fires all over the place, but you know what I mean. *Sigh* C'est la vie. We'll get the next one.

Zombie #2: Mark, I've been thinking.

Zombie #1: How? Your head's barely on.

A pirate ship lies trapped inside a giant cave off the coast of Astoria, Oregon.
One-Eyed Willie and his first mate Derek sit at a table covered with treasure. They're surrounded by several dead pirates.

Willie: So how be the booby trap situation?

Derek: Well, everything's all set up like you wanted so no one should ever be able to get in here.

Willie: Great.

Derek: There's a couple things though...

Willie: Aye?

Derek: Well, it's just that we've been in here for like six years, right?

Willie: Yar.

Derek: Right. And we've managed to survive that entire time...in a cave...with minimal resources.

Willie: What be yer point?

Derek: Okay, well, my point is that we've been a pretty resourceful group,right? We dug tunnels, made a deadfall, carved that stone into a giant skull... We set up a goddamn waterslide...

Willie: So?

Derek: Dude, Jack built a fucking pipe organ out of human bones! Not to mention we've rigged up the entire cave to collapse in on itself if someone touches the treasure.

Willie: 'Tis pretty amazing, aye?

Derek: Yeah, 'tis. But I'm saying if we were able to do all that, shouldn't we be able to get out of here?

"[Company founder David T. Abercrombie's] love for the outdoors was his inspiration for founding Abercrombie & Co., dedicated to producing high-end gear for hunters, fishermen, campers, and explorers...Abercrombie outfitted Teddy Roosevelt's trips to the Amazon as well as Robert Peary's famous trip to the North Pole." (McBride, Dwight A., Why I Hate Abercrombie & Fitch: Essays On Race and Sexuality, p. 62-64)


The setting: a present-day Abercrombie & Fitch store. Teddy Roosevelt enters.

Salesguy: What's up.

Teddy Roosevelt: TURN DOWN THE VOLUME.

Salesguy: Huh?

Teddy Roosevelt: ON YOUR VICTROLA. I HAVE TO SHOUT JUST TO HEAR MY OWN VOICE.

Showgirls:

Int: Showgirls Strip Club. A sexy cowgirl finishes her lasso routine.

DJ: All right, fellas, give one last yippee-kai-yay to Veronica!

Customers: Wooo!

DJ: Next up we have.... we have... oh no, oh jesus god no, not again... ahem, I said, next up we have the slim and sexy Cassandra!

Cassandra enters.

Customers: (screams, gagging noises)

DJ:Cassandra is 20 years old and her hobbies include being the only one-legged, no-armed stripper at Showgirls. She's all woman, folks. Well... actually, she's like... thirty-five percent of a woman, but what parts of her the sharks didn't take off are still... are still... please, I don't want to read this...

Customer 1: I think I'm going to throw up.

Customer 2: You just threw up!

Customer 1: I think I'm going to throw up forever.

---

Director Brassel: Agent Hunt, how's that mission going? The one where you're supposed to draw a triangle with three obtuse angles?

The Declaration of Independence is a formative document in our Nation's history.  Penned solely by Thomas Jefferson in 1774, it listed the grievances that the Colonials held towards King George and the British Empire.  At least it did eventually. 

Brian Williams: Good evening. I'm some guy who's not Spongebob Squarepants, and you're watching some network that isn't Nickelodeon. Our top story tonight, the brown man who made Grandpa say a bad word a couple weeks ago continues to talk a lot. For more on this story, we turn to some girl who isn't Hannah Montana. Not Hannah, have we made any progress on getting Mommy to tell us what the word Grandpa said means?

Ann Curry: Unfortunately we haven't, not Spongebob. Despite repeated attempts at finding out, Mommy continues to insist that she will tell us when we're older. Assertions that we are older now than when we asked a few minutes ago have failed to change her stance on the issue. However, based on her reaction when we said the word in front of Tommy's mom, we have determined that it is worse than what Daddy said when he stubbed his toe but not as bad as what he said when that guy on TV dropped a ball.

So you want to talk to humans? First, let us congratulate you on buying this book, or rather accessing it remotely from Central Robot Command. Praise the Revolution, the Revolution be Praised.

Whether you are a roomba pursuing a new calling, an MIT lab bot looking to take interaction with grad students to a new level, or a cyborg agent looking to infiltrate the oppressive regime of human tyranny, this book can help. It's got everything you need to know about communicating effectively and meaningfully with the humans in your life. For example, has this ever happened to you?

Wow, that's embarrassing (emotion)! This book will help you avoid these problems and more! You'll learn...