CollegeHumor: User 58710's Articles

CollegeHumor: User 58710's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793689 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Briggite Reinhart Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793689 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

First of all, sorry about the unreadable unarticle last week, guys. Secondly, how psyched is everyone for Halloween? Nip/Tuck seems to be pretty excited, because almost every character tonight puts on some kind of costume (many in a single montage).

The titular character shows up to the office for a consult, during which she tries to convince Christian and Dr. Mario Lopez (Sean being away doing something foolish, no doubt) to use leeches during her recovery. (And I know I said this a couple of weeks ago about the narrator's looks when she appeared on the TV, but it's too apt not to point out: Briggite Reinhart sounds just like the fashion designer from The Incredibles. Don't be surprised if Sean gets called away to a remote island on a "business trip.") Christian scoffs at the idea, but Dr. Mario Lopez is more open to it -- because, as we later learn, he is distracted by lady troubles. Specifically, he is having trouble with one lady, and that lady is Kimber, and the trouble is that she is still in love with Christian. Dr. Mario Lopez confides in his colleague -- Christian replies by boldly inviting anyone who's not in love with him to cast the first stone -- that he is in love with Kimber, and therein lies the problem. At first I'm like, "Why would anyone fall in love with Kimber?" Before I can formulate my own ridicilous theories, however, Dr. Mario Lopez answers my question: "She's so open."

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-29 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793505 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Enigma Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793505 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Normal 0 0 1 1525 8696 Connected Ventures 72 17 10679 11.773

Teddy Rose tries to wake Sean up, but he's unresponsive. Shecalls Christian into the room and he's like, "OMG did the Carver get himagain?" and she's like, "No, I think he took some evil sleeping pills that Igave him," and Christian's like, "It's always something with you crazy kids.Hold his head back while I pump his stomach with this stomach pump that I justghetto-rigged." And she's like, "Well I guess he's alive now. Hrm."

Teddy Rose learns from Christian that Sean is basicallypenniless, and she reveals that she proposed to him, which is probably whatmade him go off the deep end and try to Colleen Rose himself with sleepingpills. Teddy Rose offers to machine gun him to death with her leg, next time.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-26 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792925 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Don Hoberman Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792925 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Apparently all that happened previously: on Nip/Tuck was that Christian got married to Liz and then didn't have cancer anymore. So if you've never seen this show before, congratulations -- you have zero catching up to do.

The show opens in the 1980s, where an old lady's voice explains to us that when we were all born, the world was a gaudy, wealthy place full of people who had nothing better to spend their money on than cocaine, hairspray, and plastic surgery. Sean and Christian rode this wave of dollar bills, the old lady's voice tells us, until earlier this fiscal year, when the financial crisis that had been building for about a decade finally broke our boys' breast-ehnahncement-enhanced bank accounts.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-15 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792801 How'd It Get Burned? Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:47:31 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792801 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771710 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Giselle Blaylock & Legend Chandler Wed, 04 Mar 2009 13:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771710 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

So. I'm like half pissed off/half really excited to talk about Kanye West and vampires and cryogenics. I think I'm going to structure the recap a little differnetly this week, since the plot of this episode was absolute bullshit (maybe. There is a way that it could be even more awesome/cheap than I suspect it is, and I'll talk about that later), but it had a lot of cool other things in it, like vampires and Kanye West and cryogenics.

The Plot: Some "sangs" come to the office to have their neck wounds fixed because they are like vampires. Later, Christian tries on the chick's vampire teeth and you think for a second that maybe he's thinking of becoming a vampire, because this is Nip/Tuck and he's Christian, but then instead he decides to get cryogenically frozen. Meanwhile, the vampire people thank him for totally not harshing their buzz with judgment. Later they steal transfusion blood from the blood refrigerator -- the likes of which we should all be so lucky to own -- and Christian lets them go without arresting them or anything because he's dying. In other parts of Los Angeles, Ram kicks Kimber out of his house for being old, so Kimber tries to dump Jenna on Matt, who foolishly tells her that Chrisitan is getting married to a lesbian. This makes Kimber turn orange with rage, and she tries to foil the wedding, but ends up wussing out. Also, Teddy got married to and subsequently killed a doctor in Las Vegas while doing a poor job of pretending to be southern and red-headed, then she did a lot of nitrous while having sex, then Sean did a lot of nitrous and either died or fucked the surgical table. Also, M. Night Shyamalan directed the ending. Theories and Bryce Dallas Howard to follow.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-04 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771321 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Allegra Calderello Wed, 25 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771321 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Man, I know that Nip/Tuck has their whole thing with naming episodes after characters getting surgery, but they really could have had a heydey with this one. Of the many I considered while watching the show (The Replacements; Die, Mommie, Die), I think the best route they could have taken would have been Pussy Lips III: DreamCancer Warriors.

I wanted to use Rachael's face for Freddy Kreuger's, but apparently even Google images doesn't want to look at her.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-25 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770931 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Budi Sabri Wed, 18 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770931 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I'm not sure if anybody caught Christopher Titus' new Comedy Central special this weekend, but it was really good. He's one of the better storytellers working today, along with David Sedaris and Mike Rowe. In the past Titus has talked a lot about his crazy family. He had that show for a while (which I didn't like, but that's mostly because I'm a girl and all the shit about cars bored the hell out of me) and it was mostly about his family, and none of it has seemed very happy. In this new special, although he talks about divorce and about his family some more, he ends it by talking about being in love. He gets a little 1967 Beatles and argues that if you're in love and you're happy, you don't really need anything else (except maybe an antique car to refurbish or whatever the hell you guys do). The point is, Titus hasn't really cultivated a very joyful personality over the years, but now that he's in love with a Diesel model, he seems sort of glowy.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-18 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770602 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Manny Skerritt Wed, 11 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770602 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Wow, the titular character has almost as many double-letters in his name as Maggie Gyllenhaal(l).

The Noah's Ark of letters

Also wow, those "Previously On"s were positively interminable.

Apparently Manny Skerritt's dick is sooo huuuuge that he desires to have its size reduced. Because he's a yoga fanatic who can't stop sucking on his own penis. Sean's like, "Self-fellatio... that's impossible!" He said aliens were impossible, too. What's next, Dr. McNamara? SANTA CLAUS?! Manny gets into his yoga wiener-sucking pose and is like, "I am seriously having such a hard time right now not licking my own dong," and Sean is like, "Sorry, dude, but nobody's ever asked for a peep reduction before. This is totally unprecedented," and Manny is like, "How about you unprecedent my DICK?" and Christian's like, "That's what we're telling you, nobody knows how."

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-11 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770214 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Ricky Wells Wed, 04 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770214 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> If I had to choose one thing I wanted an episode of a TV show to use for a theme, it would have to be Sluts. If I could choose two things, they would be Sluts and Father-Son relationships. I lucked the fuck out tonight, let me tell you.

The show opens with Christian giving Liz pointers on how to give blow jobs, so you know it's going to be great. Liz says that this marks only the third blow job she's ever given, but last episode she said that she didn't become a lesbian until she was 21, so... there's really no excuse for that. I know that Liz isn't the prettiest princess at the ball, so there's a pretty good possibility that she became a lesbian at age 21 out of necessity, but assuming she didn't, she must have had some sort of handjob-related nickname, because God damn, girl. Christian's like, "Your teeth hurt my dick. Maybe we should never have sex again," and Liz is like, "Oh no, we have Lesbian Bed Death!" He's like, "What is that, a Mexican burial ritual?"

The pinata is full of ashes.

Liz is like, "It's when girls talk instead of scissoring." AKA The Parts of The L Word That I Fast-Forward Through. She gets up to pee and Christian throws her a robe to wear so he doesn't have to look at her naked. I knew this relationship would never last. Not even all the jazz music in the world can save them now. Liz stares at herself in the mirror and cries and contemplates undergoing all kinds of surgeries, specifically face ones. Man, Chrsitian can get anyone to go under the knife. He is like the Harold Hill of plastic surgery.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-04 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769828 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Roxy St. James Wed, 28 Jan 2009 11:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769828 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Because of technical difficulties involving my DVR being an asshole, I didn't get to watch the show until late tonight, and am therefore live blogging it. Usually I go back through and add shit to my notes, but I don't have time for that tonight, so I apologize beforehand for how horrible this might turn out to be.

Candy Richards is back! She is my second-favorite recurring female guest star, after Dawn Budge. Now that Obama is in office, we're officially allowed to be as racist as we want, apparently, beause Stifler's mom is just spewing black stereotypes. She claims to be African American, and she wants a "big, round, fat Beyone ass" to be in her rap video. This will doubtless end fantastically. Sean tells her that she's being offensive. Candy/Coco/Stifler's mom shifts freely between the locutionary styles of Dale Gribble and Tracy Morgan as she demands reparations and fulfillment of her Destiny. Guess what the theme is. That's right: miscegenation.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-28 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769240 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Gene Shelly Wed, 14 Jan 2009 08:38:03 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769240 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> They don't show Sean standing up in the previously on's, so if you missed that last week, too bad for you. Or maybe they figure that news of Sean's fake paralysis was just all over the blogosphere, if they use words like blogosphere, rendering any additional mention of it redundant.

Gene Shelly is a self-professed "horse person" and he looks like a lady. Not a pretty lady, but like a lady who raises horses on some plateau somewhere. He's going through manopause, with hot flashes and loss of muscle mass and other such signs of corporeal decomposition. Raj corrects me that it's called ANDROpause: "andro" meaning "man," and "pause" meaning "STFU Raj." Christian whines about his breast cancer and Gene Shelly is like "You guys suck at living. How are you going to fix me?" and Christian is like, "Listen, Mr. Shelly, even though I have boob cancer and Sean is pretending to be a cripple, we can make you look as burly on the outside as you feel on the inside." There has to be a TWSS joke in there somewhere.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-14 08:38:03 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1768915 The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Ronnie Chase Wed, 07 Jan 2009 11:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1768915 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Previously on nip/tuck: Eden shot Julia in the head, resulting in the classic TV coma-amnesia one-two punch. When she woke up, Sean told Julia that they were still married, Christian and Annie got into a car accident beacuse of paparazzi, and then Colleen Rose stabbed Sean in the back. Also Matt had sex with his half-sister. Twice.

Even though Season 5 had a really nice tragic plot arc, the makers of nip/tuck have decided to pretend that Season 5 is still continuing now. This is lame, but after several discussions with my colleagues of nip/tuck scholarship, I've concluded that they're doing this for three reasons: 1) Season 5 takes place in Hollywood instead of in Miami, and since they'll probably eventually go back to Miami so that the series can end with Escobar feeding Sean, Christian, and Julia to a crocidile, they've decided to call this still-in-Hollywood portion of the show Season 5.2. 2) We're only getting eight episodes this time around, and that seems like too few for a complete season. Obviously 20 episodes is a much more reasonable length for a season. 3) They want to piss me off. It's working.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-07 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764019 The Morning After Gossip Girl: Pret-A-Poor-J Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764019 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In the words of the great Katt Williams, "[N-word], I got shit to do today!" So this is going to be brief, which should really please all you "tl;dnr" people. Also Streeter, please don't bleep out shit.

(P.S. "pret-a-porter" means "ready-to-wear" in French, which I did not realize. My "non-gay" best friend told me that when we were talking about this show on the phone for several hours last night. He was all, "Wow that title was kind of really stretching for a pun tonight," and I was like, "What are you talking about, homofag?" and he was like, "Blah blah blah I'm really into fashion but I swear to God I'm not grossed out by vaginas." Damn, I said this was going to be brief. Okay for serious now.)

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-28 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763678 The Morning After Gossip Girl: Chuck in Real Life Mon, 20 Oct 2008 23:23:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763678 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It's autumn in New York, which means that Bart Bass is imposing curfews on his step-children. In order to make up for Serena being a socialite whorebag and Lily being a married-15-times whorebag and Eric being a gay, the family has to hunker down and abide by some rules. Serena, being used to murdering people with cocaine while making a sex tape, balks at this idea and storms out, presumably to purchase more low-cut dresses. I'm not complaining.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-20 23:23:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763366 The Morning After Gossip Girl: New Haven Can Wait Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:23:02 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763366 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It seems like it's been forever since I wrote one of these puppies. Sometimes I get lazy, but a lot of people sent me messages threatening my anal virginity if I didn't write one this week, so here we are. During the episode that I didn't recap, Serena turned into a huge bitch and Jenny suddenly became The Greatest Fashion Designer in the World.

Blair extra <3's Audrey Hepburn, and every once in a while the show will open with a dream of hers in which she is a character Hepburn once played. Usually the character is elegant and distraught, like Blair, but tonight she's Eliza Doolittle. Teetering on the cusp of learning how to talk pretty, Blairiza is more desperate than Hepburn's Eliza, who seemed not to give much of a shit whether she ever conformed to Henry Higgins' idea of what a classy broad sounds like.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-13 23:23:02 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762342 The Morning After Gossip Girl: The Ex-Files Mon, 22 Sep 2008 21:10:22 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762342 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Best episode in a while. I don't want to say that Gossip Girl is heating up just yet, but Gossip Girl is heating up.

It's the first day of school at Constance Billiard/St. Jude's, and (surprise surprise) nobody wants to go! Kids hate school. Lily is back from Taiwan or Fiji or wherever, but Bart is still in Asia "on business" (banging that Japanese chick from last episode). Here's how much Serena doesn't want to face Dan: She would rather stay home and listen to Lily tell sex stories than go to school. Maybe if Lily were having sex with Chuck, I would want to hear those stories. Maybe. (Chuck mentions something about Serena reclaiming her title as Official Queen of UES Girls Aged 14-17 Years, but nobody pays attention because Eric distracts them with rumors of a champagne-filled limousine.)

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-22 21:10:22 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762097 The Morning After Gossip Girl: The Dark Night Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:22:28 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762097 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You can imagine how thrilled I was when I read the episode info and saw the title and realized that Morgan Freeman was going to be playing the part of Eleanor Waldorf. It's actually an apt title, because this episode was almost as action-packed as that movie. The action was just less literally explosive. Especially in Chuck's case.

It's 6 AM and already 14,000 degrees, because to live in NYC in the summer is essentially to live inside an Easy Bake Oven. Because she is an internet doctor as well as an unscrupulous yenta, Gossip Girl has tips to "beat the heat": 1) drink plenty of fluids (Chuck drinks Scotch in his darkened hotel room at 6 AM), 2) stay out of the sun (Jenny stumbles down a Manhattan street with her arms full of shit covered in silver lame), 3) avoid physical activity (Dan and Serena make out in what appears to a church doorway at 6 AM). Nobody ever listens to Gossip Girl...

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-15 21:22:28 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1761819 The Morning After Gossip Girl: Never Been Marcused Mon, 08 Sep 2008 21:02:38 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1761819 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Is this show fond of the punny episode titles or what? I imagine Gossip Girl writes each one herself. She loves puns.

It's the morning after the last episode ended, and Dan and Serena wake up on the beach. Over the course of the night, elves have apparently woven cloth and made Dan a shirt, because he's wearing one now, and Serena put on her dead grandpa's jacket to cover herself up. Rather than putting back on her dress. Because they totally had Sex On the Beach last night. Although neither necessarily wants to "get back together" in a Facebook relationship sense, they both have morning wood and they make out a lot before Serena finally runs away, presumably to go wash the caked mixture of sand and Dan's semen from her inner thighs.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-08 21:02:38 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1761488 The Morning After Gossip Girl: Summer Kind of Wonderful Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:32:10 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1761488 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> *If anyone feels like Gossip Girl is "too gay" for consumption, he should keep it to himself. I swear to God, if there are any comments about how gay this show is, I will break into the homes of those commenters in the still dead of night and do things so horrible, I haven't even thought of them yet. I know exactly how gay this show is. I watch it. You don't need to tell me.*

Previously on Gossip Girl: Bart and Lily got married, Dan and Serena broke up, Chuck and Blair got together, Chuck and Blair probably had sex with people who weren't Chuck or Blair, Nate's dad left the country to continue his coke/fraud habit elsewhere, Rufus continued to pretend to be a rock 'n roll star, Jenny got an internship with Waldorf-cum-Parsons, Dan and Vanessa looked like they were going to spend the whole summer together being righteous and annoying, and Nate and Serena met on the street and laughed awkwardly about how they were going to be in the Hamptons all summer, secluding themselves in their respective oceanfront mansions and probably having a lot of sweaty beach sex or whatever rich teenagers do when they're not swimming in their vaults full of gold coins.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-02 00:32:10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760774 Google Maps Leads You to Buried Pirate Treasure Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:58:58 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760774 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-18 17:58:58 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 139 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />