Christian Honce's Articles

7:00 A.M.: Alarm to wake up for 8:00 A.M. class

7:05 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.

7:10 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.

7:30 A.M.: Roommate throws granola bar at your face because you’ve been sleeping through your alarm for twenty minutes.

7:31 A.M.: Walk to shower after successfully hiding erection in waistband.

7:32 A.M.: Walk back to room for shampoo.

7:33 A.M.: Get undressed in shower.

7:34 A.M.: Get dressed, walk back to room for towel.

7:40 A.M.: Actual shower done. Fake sneeze several times. Listen for “Bless you.”

7:40 A.M. and 12 seconds: Masturbate.

Fast food restaurant. Day.

CASHIER: Next, please.

FRANK: (Pulls out a gun and points it at the cashier.) All right, this is a stick-up! Empty the drawers! Empty the freaking drawers!

(The doors fly open. Enter THE CRITICIZER.The Criticizer is a middle aged woman wearing a cardigan with cats on it.)

CASHIER: It’s The Criticizer! We’re saved.

CRITICIZER: Put the gun down. You 're doing this all wrong.

FRANK: (Points the gun at Criticizer.) Hey! What’re you doing? Get down on the floor.

CRITICIZER: Excuse me, am I mistaken or you leave your name tag from Wal-Mart on your shirt? Frank? What kind of name is Frank for a robber? I could’ve taken Q-Dog or Ice or something cool like that, but Frank?

FRANK: Shut you mouth and kiss the floor!

CRITICIZER: Is that really the best you can do? Honestly, I’m not that scared. Maybe if you put more emphasis on the floor. Or maybe you could use the f-word. That might be nice. Do you want to try that?

FRANK: What the fuck are you talking about lady!

CRITICIZER: No, that’s not it. I don’t know, maybe it’s not the words. You know, the way you hold your gun… it’s really feminine.

FRANK: Feminine?

CRITICIZER: Very feminine, you look like one of those nice boys on Bravo.

FRANK: No, I don’t!

CRITICIZER: Whoa, touched a sore-spot. (Singsong) Ba-by!

FRANK: I’m not a baby; you’re a baby!

CRITICIZER: You have misshapen ears.

FRANK: What? (Feels ears) No I don’t!

CRITICIZER: Your right one is lower… and they do this droopy thing. They look like someone nailed two gobs of silly putty at either side of your head.

FRANK: Shut up before I blow a hole in your face.

CRITICIZER: I’m still not feeling the aggression. Have you thought of doing something else for a living, something that fits your personality; like a hairdresser or something?

FRANK: Shut up!

CRITICIZER: Oh! Just look at those small hands! They’re like a baby’s! Little hobbit hands! That’s so cute! Where’s the ring! Where’s the ring!

FRANK: My hands are normal.

CRITICIZER: (Gollum voice.) My Precious!

FRANK: Stop it!

CRITICIZER: You know what they say about small hands? Well, course you do, you’ve been hearing it from women all your life.

FRANK: Please, just be cool. Stop.

FRANK: (Drops gun and starts crying. The Criticizer handcuffs Frank and leads him out the door.) Mom?