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(A middle aged couple, TINA and FRANK, address a circle of chairs filled with couples, including CAROL and JIM.)

Tina: Welcome to couples counseling. Now I know some of you might feel a little weird or uncomfortable, but we are here to guide you past the bad, and straight to the good.

Frank: I’m Frank, and this is my gorgeous, wonderful wife of many years, Tina.

Tina: You’re so sweet, Frank.

Frank: Not as sweet as you!

(They Eskimo kiss. Saying things like: Brrr! It’s cold out! Warm me up! and Mush, Honey, Mush!)

Tina: Ooo! Tat was a good’un! What’n’it Fwank? (To the class.) Affection, affection, affection. We can’t stress it enough, couples!

Frank: Uhhhh-huh! You are cowwect!

(They laugh)

Carol: (Aside.) This is great, Jim! Look how comfortable they are with each other. Why can’t we be like that?

Jim: (Aside.) Carol this is ridiculous. I love you, but I don’t want to look like an idiot.

Frank: I love you.

Tina: No, I love you!

Frank: No, I love you.

Tina: I love you more.

Frank: Nope, I love you more. Fact!

Tina: I love you more!

Frank: Can’t we just compromise?

Tina: Okay! Let me just sign the treaty of Versailles-tility.

(Tina and Frank laugh.)

Tina: And that’s two of our tenants of a relationship right there: compromise and versatility.

(Tina and Frank snuggle while standing up and become very involved in each other.)

Carol: (Aside.) Oh! Look at them, showing affection in public without hesitating. Just try this… for me.

Jim: (Aside.) Alright.

Tina: Okay! Now we’re going to start off with a little Problem/Solution role play. Let’s imagine a situation where one of us has an accident. Oh! I know what you’re thinking! I don’t mean a firearm accident! Not that grim!

Frank: (laughing) We don’t mean that! Not that serious, Jack Bauer!

Tina: Nor a car accident.

Frank: Fifteen minutes can save fifteen percent or more! Play it safe!

Tina: No we don’t mean that. We mean an accident in which a clumsy mistake or an oversight ends up hurting your partner. Watch how we alleviate the possible negativity of such a situation with some humor.

(She “accidentally” punches him in the crotch)

Tina: Whoops!

Frank: (furious with pain) Hey! (suddenly playful) That’s my pee-pee!

Tina: No! That’s my pee-pee!

Frank: That’s my pee-pee!

Tina: That’s my pee-pee!

Frank: Uh-uh! My pee-pee! Uh-uh!

Tina: Uh huh! I called dibs! My pee-pee!

Frank: Double-dibsies! No backies!

Tina: Double-dibsies times infinite!

Frank: (Thinking.) Okay! It’s your pee-pee!

Tina: Uhhhhh-huh!

(They laugh with abandon until)

Tina: But of course it is in fact his penis.

Frank: Yours to loan, mine to keep.

Tina: We’re simply showing you some fun little ways to step around the anger monster and keep your relationship smooth. Right Frank?

Frank: (caught of guard) It’s my penis. It is indeed… mine.

(Awkward pause.)

Frank: Oops! I tooted!

Tina: Uh-oh! I thinks that was a runnsy onesy!

(They laugh wildly)

Frank: Oh no! I needa wipey!

Tina: Who brought some Wet-Ones?

Frank: Who has the Wet-Ones?

Tina: Did anyone bring some Wet Ones?

Carol: Um, I have a few-

Tina & Frank: Oh!!!

Tina: Thank you!

Frank: Thank you! Carol had some Wet-Ones!

Tina: Oh yay! Carol is so nice!

Frank: She is a nice one! Can we keep her? Can we keep her?

Tina: I don’t know; you know what happened to the last one…

(They laugh)

Frank: Oh! Oh! Ha! I love too much sometimes. I do guys, it’s true. Judge said so, Judge said so.
(Pause.)

(Carol hands Tina the Wet-Ones.)

Frank: (As if Jesus Christ was curing his blindness.) Thank you, Carol. Thank you.

Tina: You turn around Mister!

Frank: Nuh-uh! I don’ wanna!

Tina: (Suddenly very mature.) Trust me.

Frank: Ok.

(She wipes for him.)

Tina: You see: I’m establishing a bond of trust. And in the process, who says we can’t have a little fun?

Frank: An’ get a cwean bottom? Huh? How bout that for a plus?

Jim: (Aside) Holy shit, they’re nuts! Honey, are you watching this? She just wiped his ass.

Carol: (Aside.) I know this is a bit extreme, but you have to remember that they’ve been together for years. I’m sure this is supposed to be an exaggerated example of the trust a couple can build together.

Jim: (Aside.) Baby, I’m starting to think I don’t ever want that much trust.

Tina: Now along with that trust must come faith.

Frank: Like I have faith that Tina respects who I am.

Tina: And I have faith that he’ll organize the garage someday! (Laughs)

Frank: Just like I have faith that she won’t burn dinner someday! (Laughs, Tina stops laughing.)

Tina: Like I have faith that someday he’ll by me a real wedding ring.

Frank: (Still enjoying the game.) And I have faith that someday she’ll stop having headaches every time I want to have sex.

Tina: And I have faith that those charges on the credit card bill for child pornography are a mistake.

Frank: (Furious.) And I have faith that someday she’ll stop being a frigid cunt!

(Pause.)

Tina: (Shaken) And that’s an example of faith.

Frank: I like this role playing game, this is a good one!

Tina: Frank-

Frank: And I have faith that you really did catch gonorrhea from that toilet seat at Macy’s, and that you aren’t actually seeing other men even though I know you posted an ad in the personal section.

Tina: Frank!

Frank: I have faith-

Tina: Frank!

Frank: I have faith that you’re a bitch…

Jim: We’re leaving.

(Ashley's dorm room. Dan stands awkwardly surveying her room, waiting for her to come back from talking to the girl next door.)

DAN (Voice Over.): Right. Be Cool. She brought to her room. Play it cool. Play it cool. Relax- Is that hers? Thong! Thong is good, thong means she’s not fussy. I wonder what she looks like in it. Seal the deal, seal the deal, lock it up- Did I lock my door? Someone could steal the stuff out of my room! Jim’s a good roommate -smells like woodchips. –chips- Dorito’s, haven’t had those in a while. Focus, focus, focus on a game plan! I have got to get a Wii, they’re so fucking cool. She looks good in that picture. Spring break with her girlfriends- nice. I don’t take pictures well- I smile scary. Look poised to rape. Do I have a condom? She likes you, it’s going well. She’s been in the bathroom for a while. I hope she’s not pooping. Shut up! Girls don’t poop! Did she poop before she put on that thong? I hope there’s -Shit. Boner. Why’d I wear sweatpants today? Uh, Fraggle Rock, Candyland, Murder She Wrote- getting worse! I’m going to hell. Go away, go away, go away –ice, winter, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14- and we’re good. What does she have around? Magazines. Good tell. Justin Timberlake, king of sex. Huh. He looks good there. Does that make me gay? Am I gay? No, I hate Bravo. I need to work out more, I-

(ASHLEY walks in.)

ASHLEY: Sorry, I saw Jayme so I had to stop and talk to her. She has the first season of-

(Ashley keeps talking, Dan is not listening.)

DAN (V.O.): She sure talks a lot. I should listen. Oh god, look at those shorts. That is so hot. Just a little bit of butt hanging out. I wonder if she smokes. I’d start smoking for her. Perky tits. Grandpa died of lung cancer. Would she think it was cool if I had that hole in my throat- could I smoke out of it? What if I wanted to snorkel? Thong. I wish I understood what 50 cent was saying. Her lips are shiny. Am I sweating? Do I smell funny? I wish I smelled like woodchips. What does she smell like? Is she naked yet? What if she sees me sweat? She thinks I’m a loser, why am I here? I should leave. I should leave before she smells me. I wonder if she shaves or trims…

ASHLEY: -Laguna Beach.

(Ashley stops and looks at Dan expectantly.)

Dan (VO): Fuck, shit, damn, ass, balls! She stopped talking. What did she say? Alright, don’t panic. Say something clever.

(Dan laughs awkwardly.)

DAN (V.O.): What the fuck was that? Damn it, she thinks you’re stupid.

(She laughs the same way. Dan smiles. She goes to put the DVD she borrowed from Jayme down.)

DAN (V.O.): Wow, that was unattractive. Perky Tits. Doesn’t matter. Thong. Alright, seem present. Probably shaves . Stay in the conversation.

(She comes back.)

DAN: So you need help in Astronomy.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I wanna thank you again for coming.

DAN: Oh! No problem! Anytime you need help just ask me. (V.O.) I love you.

ASHLEY: Do you wanna sit down?

(She points to her bed.)

DAN: Sure, thanks. (V.O.) Do you wanna sit on my face?

(They sit down. He takes his book out and puts it on his lap.)

ASHLEY: So, I’m having a problem telling the difference between temperatures-

(She points out things in the book.)

DAN (VO): Oh my god, her hand is in my lap. I can feel the pressure. If this book wasn’t here she’d be touching my dick. What if she thinks it’s small. Her last boyfriend might have been bigger. She’ll laugh at me. Oh god I have a tiny dick. It doesn’t matter, she wants it.

(He smiles sleazily at her. She blankly raises her gaze. He shakes the look off.)


ASHLEY: So what do you think?

DAN (V.O.): Shaved, definitely shaved. (Aloud) Uh, well really it’s a simple problem. The higher the temperature the-

(He continues talking.)

DAN (V.O.): You find me very very attractive. I’m confident, I’m smart. You’re fighting to not mount me right now. (Aloud) –and the reds are burning at the lowest.

(She points something else out in the book.)

ASHLEY: But what about blue-shifting-

DAN (V.O.): That’s right, play your game, but we both know what you want. You wily little minx. If I had- Fuck! Boner. Shit. Fuck. She’s going to think I’m a freak. Shake it off. Whatever you do don’t throb. I promise I’ll give you attention later if you stop. Down! No! Candyland, Fraggle Rock, Murder She Wrote- shit, throbbing.

(The book moves up and down on his lap. Dan freaks out and squirms around. It rages on. Dan stands up and turns around to go and his boner slaps her in the face. She screams. He runs to the door and jams his dick on the door. He opens the door and runs out fanning his crotch. Ashley gets up, looks disheveled and finally sits down.)

ASHLEY (V.O.): Damn, I thought I was getting some ass for sure.