Mrs. Snowden Grade 8

Narrorater: Once there was a real cool girl who was named Jenny Cleaver and jenny was the best and most pretty girl on the cheerleading team. Everyone always said “hey jenny I wanna be like you cause your the girl all the guys with cars want to go around town with to the movies and to eat” and she was. She was the best at back tucks and and roundoffs and she was getting a full scholarship to the state unavursaty for chearleading. And also she got an A+ on her short story for English class for Mrs. Snowden. She even volunteerd her time at a home less shelter and gave roses to childrenb with aids. One day a guy came to her and was the most cool boy on campus and he was a quarter back also.

Jarrid: hey i thought you should know that I think you are totally cool.

Jenny: oh I think that you are cool also I watched the game yesterday and you were great you threw the ball the farthest.

Jarrid: Wow jenny you know foot ball real well.

Jenny: I know a good amount cause my dad plays for the packers and is not a janitor at the middle school.

Jarrid: you are cool jenny. We should go to a movie on Friday. We could see an r rated one.

Jenny: that sounds fun but I really want to watch the ballerina movie that is coming out

Jarrid: I don’t know about ballerina ones but if you want to see it we could hold hands

Jenny: Okay!

Narrorater: So they went to the movies and they really liked it and held hands and afterwords he said

Jarrid: Hey that wasn’t bad. I like you.

Narrorater: And then he kissed her and at the same time it was they forgot it was fourth of july so fireworks went off and they were real! And he said

Jarrid: you are the prettiest girl ive ever met and you should where my promice ring so that none of us will cheat on each other with that ugly and mean Kelly Slone who is the least popular girl in middle school because she kisses other girls boyfriends.

Narrorater: And nobody did cheat and he didn’t kiss Kelly Slone even when Kelly Slone told everyone she wasn’t a virgin. So they were happy for a wile until one day Jarrid was introduced to crank in the locker room after playing football practice by Kelly Slone’s dad who really was a janitor at the middle school. Nobody noticed his addikshun until one day his coach was telling him that he was acting sort of funny.

Coach: You are acting sort of funny. do you have a drug addikshun?

Jarrid: No I am just on nerves because of the big game against the rivals.

Coach: I trust you you are a good quarter back. Walk it off.

Narrorater: But he couldn’t walk it off because crank is powerful. So one day it got so bad that jenny noticed.

Jenny: Hey jarrid. You have been acting like you are stimulated a lot.

Jarrid: Lay off jenny! Your always criticizing me!

Jenny: No I’m not! I’m scared for your health!

Jarrid: Nothings Wrong!

Jenny: I found your crank!

Jarrid: Why did you do that?

Jenny: Because I love you.

Jarrid: But I have some confessions. I had to sell my body to strangers to pay for my crank because it is expensive and so is gasoline.

Jenny: That is a lot of bad stuff Jarrid. I still love you though.

Jarrid: Really?

Jenny: Yes.

Narrorater: And then something that jenny totally didn’t expect happened.

Jarrid: You passed the test! You are truly the best girl on earth and now I can tell you that I was just testing you and that I’m actually not addicted to crank! And also I’m actually Zack Effron and I want you to replace that ugly girl in the new High School Musical!

Jenny: But I’m still in middle school!

Jarrid: We talked about it and we think you are cool enough to skip the rest of middle school! Also you are a princess because your dad is actually king of Australia so that means you are rich and actually don’t need to go to the state unavursaty when you are old!

Narrorater: And Jenny realized for the first time how special she really was and that she deserved to not sit at the fat table at lunch. So then they all lived happily ever after!

THE END!

I left a ton of my stuff at home that I need you to send me immediately. You know that I’ve been worried about slipping into old habits, and I need this semester to be the one that I really excel. It is very important that I have this stuff; otherwise I fear I won’t be able to do my best this semester. I know you understand. I have very little time to talk let alone argue because of my hectic schedule of class and work study, so I don’t want to argue. Please just send these things and all will be explained when I have time, even if it’s not until Thanksgiving. I prepared a list with what I left behind and where it can be found.

Mp3 player (it can record, I need it for lectures) behind the computer.

Birth Control (to control my mood swings) in my top drawer.

Copy of Catcher in the on my shelf.

Bag of Oregano (I’m learning to cook! you should be proud) in my guitar case.

Socks in my bottom drawer.

Spice Grinder (saves so much time in preparation) in my guitar case.

Calculator in my desk.

Postage Scale (to way the proper amounts of spices) in my guitar case.

Grandpa’s Pen on my dresser.

Sandwich Baggies (to hold my spices) in my guitar case.

Duct Tape on my nightstand.

Hand-blown Glass Figurine (I accidentally burned something in it) in my guitar case.

Cell phone on my desk.

Barely 18 Magazines (I’m taking Photography and Anatomy) on my nightstand.

Hand Lotion on my nightstand.

Ruler on my nightstand.

Exotic Plant and Grow-Light (to brighten up the room) in the crawl space, in
between the bathroom and the kitchen. To disarm the bear-traps throw the
nearby brick at the center and make sure to avoid the bucket of pee.

7:05 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.

7:10 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.

7:30 A.M.: Roommate throws granola bar at your face because you’ve been sleeping through your alarm for twenty minutes.

7:31 A.M.: Walk to shower after successfully hiding erection in waistband.

7:32 A.M.: Walk back to room for shampoo.

7:33 A.M.: Get undressed in shower.

7:34 A.M.: Get dressed, walk back to room for towel.

7:40 A.M.: Actual shower done. Fake sneeze several times. Listen for “Bless you.”

7:40 A.M. and 12 seconds: Masturbate.

CASHIER: Next, please.

FRANK: (Pulls out a gun and points it at the cashier.) All right, this is a stick-up! Empty the drawers! Empty the freaking drawers!

(The doors fly open. Enter THE CRITICIZER.The Criticizer is a middle aged woman wearing a cardigan with cats on it.)

CASHIER: It’s The Criticizer! We’re saved.

CRITICIZER: Put the gun down. You 're doing this all wrong.

FRANK: (Points the gun at Criticizer.) Hey! What’re you doing? Get down on the floor.

CRITICIZER: Excuse me, am I mistaken or you leave your name tag from Wal-Mart on your shirt? Frank? What kind of name is Frank for a robber? I could’ve taken Q-Dog or Ice or something cool like that, but Frank?

FRANK: Shut you mouth and kiss the floor!

CRITICIZER: Is that really the best you can do? Honestly, I’m not that scared. Maybe if you put more emphasis on the floor. Or maybe you could use the f-word. That might be nice. Do you want to try that?

FRANK: What the fuck are you talking about lady!

CRITICIZER: No, that’s not it. I don’t know, maybe it’s not the words. You know, the way you hold your gun… it’s really feminine.

FRANK: Feminine?

CRITICIZER: Very feminine, you look like one of those nice boys on Bravo.

FRANK: No, I don’t!

CRITICIZER: Whoa, touched a sore-spot. (Singsong) Ba-by!

FRANK: I’m not a baby; you’re a baby!

CRITICIZER: You have misshapen ears.

FRANK: What? (Feels ears) No I don’t!

CRITICIZER: Your right one is lower… and they do this droopy thing. They look like someone nailed two gobs of silly putty at either side of your head.

FRANK: Shut up before I blow a hole in your face.

CRITICIZER: I’m still not feeling the aggression. Have you thought of doing something else for a living, something that fits your personality; like a hairdresser or something?

FRANK: Shut up!

CRITICIZER: Oh! Just look at those small hands! They’re like a baby’s! Little hobbit hands! That’s so cute! Where’s the ring! Where’s the ring!

FRANK: My hands are normal.

CRITICIZER: (Gollum voice.) My Precious!

FRANK: Stop it!

CRITICIZER: You know what they say about small hands? Well, course you do, you’ve been hearing it from women all your life.

FRANK: Please, just be cool. Stop.

FRANK: (Drops gun and starts crying. The Criticizer handcuffs Frank and leads him out the door.) Mom?

Whisper in someone’s ear

“Befriend” a rabbit

Perform oral sex

Try to look sexy

Listen to a secret

Drink milk

Hang around cannibals

Run a marathon

Sneeze

-5 points for every time you refresh the Facebook Newsfeed in a day

+5 points for every cup of coffee

-10 points for every cup of coffee past five cups

-5 points for every beer

-10 points for every shot

+1 point for every page you read of your book

-5 points for every time you masturbate the day of

+5 points for every hour of History Channel you watch in a week

-20 points for every episode of Laguna Beach you watch in a week

+10 points for eating a healthy bowl of granola in the morning

-10 points for every bowl you smoke the day of

+10 points for taking a 15 minute power nap ahead of time

-10 points for every hour you really ended up napping

+20 points if you actually studied

-20 points if you had a Police Academy marathon

-20 points if it’s a Math or Science exam

+20 points if it’s the final for Intro to Acting

+40 points for every time you had sex with your professor

-50 points for every time you’ve listened to Paris Hilton’s Stars Are Blind

Citing that as a sign from God that I wasn’t supposed to write that paper just yet (God, 4:30 P.M., http://www.sparknotes.com/philosophy/republic/section9.rhtml ), I decided to spend my time on something more worthy.I decided to rummage through my desk drawer to see what I had gone an entire semester without using.

First, I found a one pound bag of rubber bands of assorted size and thickness.  I felt bad for the bag; it had to have been lonely for those six months.  I decided to honor it.  I went to work linking the rubber bands together until I had a twenty-five foot length of rubber bands.  I took a half empty bottle of Mountain Dew that had been sitting on my desk (which hasn’t been used or organized since September) and attached it.  I took the whole shebang to the stairwell, attached an end, and let it drop.  Awesome, that’s all I can describe it as.  It was like watching Wiley Coyote.

After a while I decided to move on and let someone discover the simple little joy for themselves; maybe it would lighten their day.  I went back to my drawer and dug deeper.  I found an unopened box of condoms.  Sitting next to them was a package of razor blades.  Nice joke God.  I get it.  Next time a little more subtle though.  Ignoring my depressing cache of loneliness, I dug deeper yet.  There was a pencil sharpener.  Then I realized I hadn’t brought pencils.  For some reason, I felt compelled to keep it anyway.

Envelopes: oh, that’s right.  My parents expected me to write them.  Now that I think about it, no one has written me a single letter since I arrived at college.  Furthermore, not a single relative has kept up their usual pattern of sending me a check for $3.00 for Halloween.  I guess I’m growing up.

Jackpot: I found an unopened plastic case full of paperclips.  Q: Time for a paperclip reenactment of Requiem for a Dream?  A: Yes.  It was beautiful.  Paperclip Jennifer Connelly allowed herself to be exploited by a crowd of rich white paperclip businessmen.  Paperclip Jared Ledo shot up into his big rotten paperclip track-mark while singing gloom-rock songs about how his paperclip girlfriend left him and his paperclip father didn’t love him between takes.  Paperclip Marlon Wayons was wacky as ever.  Silly paperclip Wayons brother.

White-out: why does anyone still buy this?  Is there any use for it in college, really?  Everything that you hand in is usually typed on a word processor with spelling check and the only time you use a pen is when you take notes.  So in other words, you never even use a pen.  So why does white-out still exist?  Then I took a big whiff and remembered why.

Note cards, dividers, and hand sanitizer: for the love of Ramen, who did I think I was kidding?  I’m not even going to dwell on this.

It’s 2:00 now, and no one has called me to hang out.  I wonder why?  I’m going back to my newfound toys.  Time for some more white-out, this time I think I’ll do paperclip Schindler’s List.  Goodnight, and check your desk drawer.  It’ll feel like Christmas.

Ted: No, no, no.  I insist.  Just enjoy everything that TJI Fridays has to offer.

Starlene: Oh, wow! There’s so much to choose from!

Ted: May I recommend the Ass Kickin’ Buffalo Sizzlers as an appetizer?

Starlene: If you think I’ll like it…

Ted: Oh, you’ll like it coming in, but you sure won’t like when’s you’s squeezing it out!

They Laugh

Starlene: Ted, you always know just the right thing to say.You sure know how to dine a lady!

Ted: Well, normally I woulda taken you for drive-thru in my Daewoo, but tonight there’s cause for celebration!

Starlene: You mean?

Ted: That’s right: I’ve been promoted to register!

Starlene: Oh, Ted!  Arby’s ain’t never had a better worker!I think we should thank Jesus for this!

Ted: Agreed.

Starlene:

Dear Jesus,

Love, Hugs and Kisses
Starlene

Ted: (Tears in his eyes) That was beautiful, sugerpie.

Waiter: (Screaming at the top of his lungs.  Wearing 97 buttons, all of which have quotes from Babe 2: Pig in the City.  There are coke boogers in his nose.)  Hello!  My name is Jimmy-John!  What can I get you folks today?  Would you like to know our specials?

Starlene: Did you hear that, Ted?  They have specials here!I feel like I’m wearing one of them coats made out of baby seals!  Fan-cy!

Ted:  Yessir, we’d love to see your specials.

Ted and Starlene look at each other romantically

Waiter: Our drink specials for the evening are Louisiana Toilet Bowls, Texas Hot Damn Teas, or if you’re looking for something romantic we have several different boxes of wine to choose from.

Ted: We’ll take a box of wine.

Waiter: Alright, now did you want the Cheese-Wiz and Ritz Crackers with that or the American and Saltines?

Starlene: Oooo!  Wine AND cheese.  I feel more spoiled than that critter Donald Trump lets sleep on his head!

Ted:  We’ll take the Wiz and Ritz.

Waiter: Excellent choice sir!  An appetizer, perhaps?  We’ve got Tater Screams with a side of ranch dressing, Deep Fried Cheese Injected Baby Back Ribs with a side of ranch dressing, and Mozzarella Wife Punchers with a side of ranch dressing on special!

Ted: What about Ass Kickin’ Sizzlers?  I’ve got a coupon right here for a free order. (Hands coupon to waiter) 

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, this coupon is expired.

Ted: Are you calling me a cheater boy?  Huh?  Now I suggest you get back there and make us the best damn free order of Buffalo Sizzlers you ever made.  And if it ain’t so spicy that my ass is bleeding later tonight, I’m coming to shove my size 10’s up yours!  That’s right I said size 10’s!

The Waiter leaves in a hurry.

Starlene: Oh my god, Ted!  That was so hot!  I want you right now!

She takes a lemon wedge from her cup and nibbles it seductively.  Ted partially peels off the paper on a straw then blows the rest off… seductively.  Starlene“accidentally” drops her fork, then picks it up and licks it clean… seductively.  Ted rubs his nipples like he’s tuning a radio… seductively.

Starlene: Oh god, I can’t stand it!

Ted: I want you!

Starlene: You better drop them britches right now!

Ted: Bathroom!

They run towards the men’s bathroom.

Starlene: No!  Women’s bathroom!  They have a changing table!

They run into the bathroom.  Waiter comes out with appetizers and drinks.

End Scene.