CollegeHumor: User 62906's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745396 LOL Santa Thu, 29 Nov 2007 15:44:51 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745396 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-29 15:44:51 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 128 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734800 William Henry Harrison Blogs About His Time In Office Mon, 25 Jun 2007 13:51:08 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734800 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-25 13:51:08 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733758 A Letter to Dakota Fanning from Jodie Merson, Former BFF. Wed, 13 Jun 2007 12:42:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733758 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Dakota,

It’s Jodie. Jodie Merson from Grover Creek Elementary. Remember me?  We went to elementary school together before you moved off to Hollywood to become a big f*cking star.  Still don’t remember me?  Well, just to refresh your memory, I’m the girl who beat you for the role of the Blue Fairy in our first grade production of “Pinocchio”. I’m also the girl who won the spelling bee in 2nd grade, the same year you got disqualified for misspelling blueberry. Remember me yet? I’m your worst f*cking nightmare.

You’ll be happy to know I beat out nearly 20 other girls for the role of Baby Louise in the Grover Creek Junior Community Theatre Players production of “Gypsy”. Well, I’m actually the understudy but whatever, it’s a really big deal.  Just short of doing a Spielberg film as far as I’m concerned.  The director said I had a lot of potential, and I said “More than Dakota?” and he said “Who?”… You see that!?  Not everyone knows who you are!  You’re not as famous as I’m going to be! I’m a REAL actress, and I can act the pants off of you and you know it! In our kindergarten class I played a snowflake and the teacher gave me a motherf*cking SOLO! Do you remember who you were in that recital?!? You were just one of the many lowly Rainy Day Umbrella Dancers, AND THAT’S ALL YOU’LL EVER BE!!!!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-13 12:42:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 29 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730737 Your Bartender's Inner Monologue Mon, 14 May 2007 13:08:25 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730737 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> God I look great tonight! Okay, so the shirt is a little too small, but hey I did almost 20 push ups yesterday! Oh crap, there's that frigging guy again, I wonder what he'll get... Oh lemme guess, he'll order five 7&7's and turn into a belligerent assh*le by number 4.  He may as well leave now, cuz I'm kicking his skinny gay ass out after number 3.  

What?  What?  Oh look at this fag, showing off in front of his girlfriend, calling me "Chief" cuz he thinks it makes him cool.  Well guess what, fag, I'm not Indian!  Yeah, here's your stupid Corona Light, you stupid sh*t.  Oh, I forgot the lime?  Well, guess what, you're not getting a lime! Why? Cuz we're out of limes!  I forgot to cut them at the beginning of my shift cuz I was too busy looking at how good I look this shirt but I'm not about to tell YOU that! Still think you're better than me? Guess where this shirt is from. Just guess.  Give up?  Express Men's!  That place isn't cheap, but I can afford it... sometimes.  They have good sales.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-14 13:08:25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 33 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729966 Skanky Girl's Weekend Itinerary Mon, 07 May 2007 11:11:09 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729966 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

This is an email confiscated from some girl's computer regarding her plans for this past weekend...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-07 11:11:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 51 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729080 Haikus for Hitler Sat, 28 Apr 2007 18:59:15 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729080 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> April 30th is the anniversary of Hitler's death.  In remembrance of this day, CH asked a few celebrities to write poems...

A rabbit sunrise.
I once was in a movie.
Hitler wasn’t nice.
- Billy Baldwin

So like who’s Hitler?
Why am I in this office?
And what’s a haiku?
-Jessica Simpson

April Thirtieth
You and Eva shot yourselves.
I am unemployed.
- Matt LeBlanc

A haiku? Hitler?
Let’s go one word at a time.
Don’t f*cking rush me.
- Lily Tomlin

Adolph, you are dead.
I wish I wasn’t so fat.
A waterlily drifts.
- Mary-Kate Olsen

Adolph Hitler died.
And other stuff happened too.
I can’t read or write.
- Heather Graham

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-28 18:59:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726848 The College Humor Guide To The Age Of 19 Wed, 11 Apr 2007 15:20:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726848 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 19 sucks.  It's a year of your life that you will inevitably piss away.  So here’s a weekly planner for how to successfully do just that.

Week 1. Resist using water until someone of the opposite sex mentions it
Week 2. Teach a toddler a swear word
Week 3. Make a sandcastle in the backseat of your dads car
Week 4. See how long you can talk without coming to the end of a sentence
Week 5. Bring back peace frog t-shirts
Week 6. Hang up on every call while the other person is mid sentence and blame it on a bad connection
Week 7. Go to as many TGI Fridays as you can and tell each of them that it’s your birthday
Week 8. Dress up nice and pretend like you’re interested in buying a BMW
Week 9. See how long you can go without using the words “other” “really” and “then”.
Week 10.  Play xbox for as long as you can without bathroom breaks

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-11 15:20:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 63 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721966 Syllabus From A Very Insecure Professor Mon, 05 Mar 2007 16:12:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721966 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
We've all had a "cool" professor...
!slice
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-05 16:12:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 86 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721450 A list of drinking games invented in Ireland during the Potato Famine Thu, 01 Mar 2007 13:33:04 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721450 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
  • Drink Yourself Unhungry
    • Edward Empty Hands
    • Take a Shot of Dad's Watered Down Whiskey and Pray We Don't Get  Dysentery
    • "Crop Failure" - Down a pint for every potato you lost
    • 'Quarters" -  Except nobody had any quarters so they just used rocks. And nobody had any shot glasses to bounce the rocks into so they used their hands.
    • "Jesus Mary and Joseph" - Drink til you think you see them.
    • "Abuse": After your dad beats you and your siblings, whoever has the fewest bruises buys the next round.
    • "Arsehole"
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    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-01 13:33:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1717145 Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr - First Year College Roommates Tue, 30 Jan 2007 09:30:33 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1717145 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

    Letters between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr were recently discovered.

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    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-30 09:30:33 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 256 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715390 Lindsay Lohan's Progress Report Thu, 18 Jan 2007 23:43:22 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715390 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-18 23:43:22 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 26 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1712401 How To Hit On Your Psychology Professor Mon, 08 Jan 2007 11:26:07 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1712401 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-08 11:26:07 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 80 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707030 Future Books from OJ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 15:29:38 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707030 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> If I Cooked It - OJ's Recipe Guide to Southern Cuisine. If I Overcooked It - OJ's Recipe Guide to Southern Cuisine Without Timers. If I Saw It - OJ's retelling of various films he didn't actually see, but wanted to. If I Just Spread My Wings - A Collection of OJ's Favorite R. Kelly Lyrics. If I Did It - A Hypothetical Account of OJ's Sexual Activities Since 1988. If I Will Have Done It - A Hypothetical Account of OJ's Upcoming Activities in the Future Perfect Tense. If I Wrote It - OJ's Hypothetical Book about Writing a Book If I Had No Shame - OJ's Legitimate Autobiography
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    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-21 15:29:38 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706766 K-Fed's Next Career Move Wed, 15 Nov 2006 11:21:57 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706766 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
    Receptionist at Quest Diagnostic Center

    "Yo, this message is for Mr. Fenfang Chow or whatever, this is Kevin at Quest Diagnostics returning your call, it's about 9:30 on Tuesday in the morning and yo listen Chenchang, Ima be real wit you, cuz I remember you when you came in last Thursday, you was real nice or whatever. Well listen, boo, we got your AIDS test back and you got it bad, dawg, so call a nigga back, catch you later."


    Rite Aid Night Manager

    "Look it, Ima be real wit you okay, and I need you to be real wit me so we can get this straightened up, aight? So like I told you you need to fix up the tampons in aisle 6 and then when you didn't do what I axt you to do, then, you know, Ima be like listen, boo, I gotta do my thang, you know? I'm just doin' my thang, you know what I'm saying, and I'm just axing you to do your thang, boo, so we can do this right, and make the tampons look fiiine, you feeling me, Edna?"
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    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-15 11:21:57 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 100 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706247 Subjects To Avoid in College Essays Fri, 27 Oct 2006 15:41:39 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706247 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> View Article ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-10-27 15:41:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 18 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />