"I'm not just your lord, I'm also your friend."

University of France, France 1051
Greetings fellow students of Academia. I would like to take this opportunity to introduceth mine self. My name is Edmund Wellington the third and I will be your resident assistant for this year, your first year at university and the first year of university, ever.

As there art no precedents, this year shalleth be a learning experience for us all. Let us learn together. Thou art all responsible and mature. I'm not going to impose any rules. I trusteth that I need not tell you to behave like adults. I shall make mine presence one of a dear friend. Mine door is never barred.

Morrow
It is with great regret and sorrow that I must inform you that our fellow student and dear friend Archibald Leoneses has passed away only one day into the semestereth. He was full of mead and attempted to catapult himself into the ladies dormitorium. He landed in a pile of thickets no further than the servants' quarters. He died at the infirmatorium this morning after his blood became so sour it could not be cured with leeches. Even if you did not know him by name, I'm sure you were all familiar with the delightful Spaniard boy.

There will be a memorial service this evening where we shall all drink from the cask in his honor.

Now, it is quite clear that catapults are no things to be trifled with after a long night at the tavern. Alcohol and contraptions simply do not mix.  It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you all that catapults are now explicitly off-limits to UFF students. Spaniards have also been banned.

When Bob Dylan and Bono talk about the power of music, they're clearly speaking philisophically. They don't actually believe music gives them supernatural powers. Heavy Metal bands do. Here's a sampling of some famous '80s guitar gods who used the awesome force of music for everything from interdimentional travel to invincibility to winning a basketball game (co-edited by Brian Murphy.)...