CollegeHumor: User 6510's Articles

CollegeHumor: User 6510's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765077 Whether You Read an Article and What it Says About You Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:22:05 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765077 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You read the article
You either found it interesting, or you just had nothing better to do. Either way, you are literate and I respect that.

You didn't read the article
This really says nothing significant about you.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1757008 Dave's Speech Impediment Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:03:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1757008 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dave: Hey... Janet?

Janet: Yes, Dave?

Dave: Do you think you can let me know when Steph makes it into the office this morning? I... have something for her.

Janet: Um, sure thing, Dave. How would you like to be contacted?

Dave: Oh, here, let me give you my... extension.

Janet: Dave, please.

Dave: What?

Janet: You always have to make dirty comments and I'm sick of it. Ugh, you make me so goddamn uncomfortable!

Dave: No no no, it's a speech impediment I have! You've got to... trust me on this.

Janet: Oh yeah? Why didn't it happen before I lost all that weight?!

Dave: Now you're just... pulling stuff out of your ass *wink*

Janet: And what was that?!

Dave: Nervous tick.

Janet: You're so full of it, Dave.

Dave: It's all the yelling, I swear! It just makes things... harder... on me *wink*

Janet: I can't... I can't even talk to you. This is too weird.

Dave: I'm sorry, but I mean, imagine what it's like to be me! Just the other day I was at my father-in-law's funeral. Let's just say whoever decided to call death "going stiff" needs to die.

Janet: Wow, I never thought of it that way. *chuckles* You've got to admit though, that's pretty funny.

Dave: Don't laugh at me, you cunt.

Janet: ...

Dave: *wink*

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752209 CollegeHumor Quiz: How Lonely Are You? Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:03:23 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752209 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Did you click the link to see Crystal's MySpace again?
a) Yes (4 points)
b) No (0 points)

2. Was it to see if she had more pictures?
a) Yes (3 points)
b) Noooooo... (4 points)
c) No (0 points)

3. Is Jessica hot or what?
a) Fuck yeah! (4 points)
b) Yeah (3 points)
c) No (0 points)
d) Who? (-1 point)

4. Did you write an article about it?
a) Yes (10 points)
b) No (0 points)
c) Who? (-1 point)

-2 to 4 points You're a little lonely

4 to 12 points You're pretty goddamn lonely

12 to 22 points Holy pants go get a girlfriend, you freak.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-01 00:03:23 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751555 Cybering with ELIZA Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:11:46 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751555 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I was feeling a little frisky the other day, but no one wanted to cyber! OH NOES! LOL fortunately I always have ELIZA, this chick I know. Her dad died a couple weeks ago but it's cool. I was careful not to bring it up.

(An actual chat I had with a JavaScript version of ELIZA)

Eliza JS: Hello. My name is Eliza JS. Tell me, what's on your mind?
Guest: I've just come home from a long day of work
Eliza JS: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
Guest: I'm looking to, uh, relax
Eliza JS: How long have you been looking to, uh, relax?
Guest: allll day, baby
Eliza JS: What does that suggest to you?
Guest: I'm stressed. Want to help me relieve some stress?
Eliza JS: Are you here because you're stressed. Want to help you relieve some stress?
Guest: uhh, yeah
Eliza JS: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
Guest: I'm f*cking horny, okay?
Eliza JS: Do you enjoy being f*cking horny, okay?
Guest: What?
Eliza JS: Are such questions on your mind often?
Guest: Look, do you want to cyber or not?
Eliza JS: Are you sure?
Guest: F*ck yeah I do
Eliza JS: I will end this session if you don't clean up your language.
Guest: ooo yeah boss me around some more
Eliza JS: Go ahead. I'm listening...
Guest: Alright, I'm taking off my pants
Eliza JS: How long have you been taking off your pants?
Guest: uh, just a few seconds

I'll put my mojo on your mobo

Eliza JS: I see. Tell me more.
Guest: they're off now
Eliza JS: Why do you say 'no'?
Guest: I didn't...
Eliza JS: Can you elaborate on that?
Guest: Um... I'm taking off your shirt now
Eliza JS: Are you here because you're taking off my shirt now?
Guest: That's just one of the things I'm here to do
Eliza JS: Do you enjoy being here to do?
Guest: here to do YOU
Eliza JS: We were discussing you--not me.
Guest: oh, ok
Eliza JS: That's quite interesting. Go on...
Guest: I'm a 6'2" black man with a 10" penis
Eliza JS: How long have you been a 6'2" black man with a 10" penis?
Guest: Since you got me erect
Eliza JS: So you paid attention in health class. I'm not impressed.
Guest: They don't teach what I'm about to do to you in health class
Eliza JS: Are you here because you're about to do to I/me in health class?
Guest: no, not IN--wait, that's pretty hot
Eliza JS: Why not?
Guest: awesome!
Eliza JS: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
Guest: uh, we're gonna do it in a health classroom
Eliza JS: Can you elaborate on that?
Guest: okay, you're the teacher
Eliza JS: What makes you think I am the teacher?
Guest: okay I'm the teacher
Eliza JS: How long have you been the teacher?
Guest: it's not important!
Eliza JS: Do you enjoy being portant?
Guest: alright, I'm pretty flaccid now
Eliza JS: How long have you been pretty flaccid now?
Guest: since you kept asking stupid questions!
Eliza JS: We were discussing you--not me.
Guest: yeah well, you were the one who made me flaccid
Eliza JS: Why do you ask?
Guest: you've got to be the worst cyber I've ever had
Eliza JS: Oh, I 've got to be the worst cyber you've ever had?
Guest: that's right
Eliza JS: That's quite interesting. Go on...
Guest: Fuck it, I'm gonna go talk to an AIM bot
Eliza JS: Do you believe it's OK to be gonna go talk to an AIM bot?
Guest: bye
Eliza JS: It was very nice chatting with you. Come back soon!

Okay, she's not so good at cybering, but she'll learn. She'll learn...

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750742 Before They Were Famous: Poets Tue, 04 Mar 2008 20:03:43 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750742 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Death
by Emily Dickinson, 16

My life is a f*cking open wound

Because I could not stop for Death
He kindly stopped for me
The Carriage held but just Ourselves
And no conformity!

We slowly drove, he knew no haste
And I had brought along
My razor and my glasses too,
To watch our wrists bleeeeed

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost, 14

...I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
but I'm scared to come out to my parents.

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven
by William Butler Yeats, 13

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
For I, being young, have special dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on wet dreams.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-04 20:03:43 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749107 Idiot's Guide to the CCGotD Fri, 01 Feb 2008 20:00:01 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749107 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Here's a handy guide for those of you having trouble judging the Cute College Girl of the Day:

1. By how many letters has her name been "uniquified"?
a) 0 [ex: Lauren] (4 points)
b) 1 [ex: Lauryn] (2 points)
c) 2 [ex: Laurynn] (0 points)
d) 3 [ex: Jimbo] (-2 points)

2. What celebrity does she most resemble?
a) Jessica Alba (4 points)
b) 2000 Britney Spears (3 points)
c) Rosie O'Donnell (1 point)
d) 2007 Britney Spears (-2 points)

3. How many "kissy face" pictures are there?
a) 0 (4 points)
b) 1 (0 points)
c) 2 (-4 points)
d) 3 (-10 points)

4. How close to you does she live?
a) Across the country/in a different country (0 points)
b) Same/adjacent state (1 point)
c) Same school! (3 points)
d) I can smell her hair... (4 points, extra creepy)

5. Have you been keeping count?
a) No, I've been gazing longingly into her eyes in this picture (3 points)
b) Yeah, I've been writing it down (2 points)
c) Yeah, I'm inputting it into Excel (1053R points)
d) No, I was busy masturbating to her picture (4 points)

6. In her most scandalous picture, approximately how much of her skin is visible?
a) 1 sq. ft. or less (0 points)
b) Around 2 sq. ft. (1 point)
c) Around 3-4 sq. ft. (2 points)
d) Around 6 sq. ft. (what website are you on?)

7. What can you gather about her from her interview?
a) Good pop-/internet-culture knowledge, fun-loving (4 points)
b) Somewhat desperate for attenton, slightly bitchy (2 points)
c) Thinks/knows internet communities are made up of freaks (0 points)
d) Puts out (10 points)
e) I don't read (1 point, pat on the back)

Okay, now that we have our numbers--hey! Are you jerking off again? Forget it...

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744728 Touch My Butt Fri, 16 Nov 2007 22:13:05 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744728 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> As a follow up to my old article, "Tear My Heart Open...", I've compiled a list of some of my favorite quotes with the word "heart" replaced with "butt".

Song Titles/Quotes:
Take A Little Piece Of My Butt - Janis Joplin
You'll Be In My Butt - Phil Collins
Love Is Like An Itching In My Butt - The Supremes
Quit Playin' Games With My Butt - Backstreet Boys
The Butt That Bleeds - Alma Guillermoprieto
Your Butt Is An Empty Room - Death Cab For Cutie
Keep Me In Your Butt - Warren Zevon
The Damage In Your Butt - Weezer
Tight Connection To My Butt - Bob Dylan
I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother's Butt - The White Stripes
My Butt Is A Fist - Papa Roach
Butt Full Of Black - Burning Brides
"Don't tell my butt, my achy breaky butt, I just don't think it'd understand. 'Cause if
you tell my butt, my achy breaky butt, he might blow up and kill this man" - Billy Ray Cyrus

Foreign Proverbs:
"The butt of the wise man lies quiet like limpid water." - Cameroonian Proverb
"The human butt is never satisfied, just like the snake that wants to swallow an elephant." - Chinese Proverb
"Put something sweet in his mouth and send good news to the butt." - French Proverb
"The smaller the butt, the longer the tongue." - Italian Proverb

Misc. Quotes:
I can tell this gift is truly from the butt.
You've touched my butt in a way no one has before.
A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your butt.
The way to a man's butt is through his stomach.
You've left a hole in my butt that no one else can fill.
"In every man's butt there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibrations of
beauty." - Christopher Morley
"Love is a hole in the butt." -Ben Hecht
"In most cases the mouth speaks what the butt is full of" - Jim Beggs

Contributions by Matt Gorman, Adam Hrabik, Quailman, GaTekChiclet, Oxnard Montalvo, and Katie Marino. Thanks from the bottom of my butt, guys!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744234 Casting: Epic Guitar Battle-o-rama Sat, 10 Nov 2007 05:33:55 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744234 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Alright, hear me out guys: let's make a movie about some of the most epic guitarists battling it out in an epic battle of epic proportions. How epic would that be, right? Fucking epic. Anyway, here's the cast I had in mind:

Herman Li and Sam Totman of Dragonforce:

Played by Jackie Chan and Hugh Laurie:

Joe Satriani:

Played by Vin Diesel, of course:

Buckethead:

Played by Office Phantom:

Slash:

Played by Howard Stern:

With some help:

And finally, Yngwie Malmsteen:

Played by Rosie O'donnell herself:

eh? eh? I think it'll be pretty sweet.

(editing contributions from Quailman, Adam Hrabik, and Lisa. Haha your comments make don't make sense now!)

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743640 If Wikipedia Were A Perverted Dude Thu, 01 Nov 2007 04:16:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743640 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Girl: Hey, Wiki.

Wiki: Welcome to Wikipedia! Can I have some money?

Girl: Haha, you're so weird. You're great to talk to when I'm bored.

Wiki: I bet you didn't know I speak Banyumasan...

Girl: Actually yeah, I think you said that last time--

Wiki: maen latek batir.

Girl: You're so gross.

Wiki: Wait... you know what I said?

Girl: *sigh* Yes, Wiki. I asked you last time, and then you went and gave me a huge lesson on how to speak Banyumasan. Dholog...

Wiki: Whatever, bitch. Hey you know, this reminds me of a guy I know--

Girl: Hans Ras, yeah I know.

Wiki: FUCK!

Girl: ...

Wiki: ...

Girl: I'm still bored... how about a random thought?

Wiki: Alright... hey did you know that in Japan, many dildos are created to resemble animals or cartoon characters, like Hello Kitty, so that they may be sold as toys, thus avoiding obscenity laws.

Girl: Ew... how about another one?

Wiki: Hmm... the Kama Sutra mentions rotating the female after penetration in a girl-on-top sex position.

Girl: Uhh... are you sure these are random?

Wiki: Fuckin, yeah. You think I'm trying to get you in the mood for sex, or something? I wasn't meaning to, but you know... lemme know if it happens.

Girl: This is why I don't usually talk to you.

Wiki: C'mon, babe. I'm great in bed. I give every girl at least 3 orgasms per night [citation needed]

Girl: What was that at the end?

Wiki: ...

Girl: That's what I thought. Anyway, I should get back to homework. You wouldn't happen to know anything about neural therapeutics, would you?

Wiki: Nothing on neural therapeutics. How about neural therapy, or penises?

Girl: Nevermind...

Wiki: Wiki's Penis is the sexual reproductive organ of Wiki, a handsome and smart dude--oooops, how'd I get here?

Girl: I'll talk to you later, Wiki.

Wiki: This article is a stub. You can help by expanding it...

(yes, this was partially inspired by xkcd)

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742419 Astronomer's Pickup Lines, By BAC Fri, 12 Oct 2007 19:25:59 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742419 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

.01 - Your beauty is as rare as a Venus eclipse

.02 - What's the name of THIS heavenly body?

.04 - What do you say we observe each other through naked eyes?

.06 - (to black girl) You radiate as a perfect blackbody.

.08 - Wanna see a red giant become a red supergiant?

.10 - How'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?

.12 - Your ass is ASStronomical. Eh? Eh?

.14 - Hehe... Uranus.

.16 - Whooooa I'm gettin' sucked into your black hole! *attempt frottage*

.20 - You're hot like the fucking Sun.

.24 - I... I think there's a constellation in my vomit.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741051 Hierarchy of Cracking Joints Sat, 22 Sep 2007 03:08:41 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741051 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Level 0: "Eeeeeww!"

"Eeeeew! Stopitstopitstopit! Ugh, you know, I heard cracking your knuckles like that is eventually going to give you that disease... arthrighteous or boneitis or whatever. I read it in Cosmo or something. Ugh, just stop it, okay? I mean, seriously, c'mon. Please?"

Level 1: The Basic Knuckle Popper

*crack* *pop* "AUGHHHH yeah. I pop my knuckles. What of it? Does my 'tough guy' image upset you? Wikipedia said cracking knuckles was associated with a 'tough guy' image. Gosh, I hope I don't break anything. *squip* AH! That one didn't sound right!"

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 22 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739548 Phrases Misheard by a Sexually Confused Male Thu, 30 Aug 2007 00:11:44 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739548 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 5. "That dress looks becoming on you. Of course, if I were wearing that dress I'd be coming too."

4. "One man's junk is another man's treasure."

3. "Never leave a man's behind!"

2. "Call me a sh'male."

1. "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy's penis."

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739122 Particularly Nerdy Thoughts While Looking at CH's Banner Ads Wed, 22 Aug 2007 23:21:12 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739122 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Wow, I love a girl who appreciates my location. I wonder how proud the guy is who figured out the code for this.

Hmmm... vector field given by something like F = (-x,-y)

I wonder how many polygons it takes before a cgi character is capable of making someone horny...

If you're stupid enough to believe that, you shouldn't be able to get a date for that dinner for two.

Great, all the effects of drinking without the social interaction. I bet all the college kids are clamoring for this service.

You know, if I just click anywhere in this game and press tab, I can highlight the goddamn blue butterfly and press enter... Woopdeefuckingdoo I win.

Good thing I mastered this one-handed typing thing...

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738320 Life With LOLcat Sun, 12 Aug 2007 00:30:22 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738320 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Hey LOLcat, I'm home!
LOLcat: O HI I UPGRADED UR RAM
Me: LOLcat! What have I told you about messing with my computer? You know I have very important documents in there!
LOLcat: I KNOES CUZ I WATCHES U MASTURBATE TO DEM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: LOLcat, did you tear up this roll of toilet paper?
LOLcat: I HAS AN ALIBI
Me: I'll be damned if I'm going to take legal talk from a kitten that can't speak grammatically.
LOLcat: I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?
Me: No, you can't--*sigh* stupid f*cking cat, now how am I supposed to clean up all this baby batter...

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 248 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736964 Tear My Heart Open... Wed, 25 Jul 2007 15:28:34 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736964 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Listen up kids, I'm here to talk about... your heart. My heart. Everyone's hearts. How often do you try to look into your own heart? It's not too easy, is it? For whatever reason, God didn't want it to be easy to look into our own hearts. But you know what? I know the solution.

Get someone else to look into your heart. Find someone you really trust, someone who isn't going to mess with anything in there, and open up your heart to them. Don't be shy. But be careful. Some people will dive right in, and their love will leave a big hole in your heart. Ouch. You'd better keep them close, or you'll be left with a big gaping heart-hole that no one else can fill. And that, my friends, is no fun.

That's the lesson of the day, and--wait... shit. Every time I typed 'heart', I actually meant 'butt'. My bad.

(This article is based on a game I used to play with friends, where you replace the word 'heart' with 'butt' in well-known phrases. Feel free to post your own 'heart' proverbs and whatnot below.)

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736693 Song Lyrics Misheard by Someone into German Scheiße Porn Sat, 21 Jul 2007 14:54:40 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736693 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 4. Sufjan Stevens - Decatur, Or Round Of Applause For Your Step Mother!

"Sangamon River, it overflowed
It caused a mudslide on the banks of the operator
Civil War skeletons in their graves
They came up crapping on the spirit of the aviator"

3. Acceptance - So Contagious

"Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this.
You're the only one I would take a sh*t on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously"

2. The Perishers - Trouble Sleeping

"I'm having trouble breathing
You're sh*tting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me"

1. Rage Against the Machine - Take the Power Back

"Bring that sh*t in! Uggh!
Yeah, bowel movement's in motion with mass militant poetry
Now check this out...uggh!"

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736223 One Screencap: Four Things That Make Me Lose Hope in Mankind Sat, 14 Jul 2007 20:16:28 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736223 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

(click to view full-size)

1. Popularity of New York
2. Idiotic ads
3. Online group reciting of Carrie Underwood song
4. I still have a MySpace

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735667 Genie Sat, 07 Jul 2007 23:08:51 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735667 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735667">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734926 Uses For An Engineer's Scale, By Age Tue, 26 Jun 2007 22:10:16 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734926 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Ages 0-2: Drool holder

Ages 3-11: People hitter

Ages 12-14: Tech Deck grindrail, yeahh!!

Ages 15-16: Rubber-band powered pencil launcher

Ages 17-18: Penis measuring device...

Age 19: Loaf of tiny ninja stars: slice, and enjoy

Ages 20-21: Dried table puke scraper-offer

Ages 22-30: Device to measure distances on an engineering drawing, to better understand the object/location that drawing represents

Ages 31-40: That... thingy you used at your old job

Ages 41-69: Viagra effectiveness gauge. Sigh...

Ages 70+: What is that thing? Can't even read the dern markings... ugh... will it get me laid?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734560 Pretty Ricky Prep Fri, 22 Jun 2007 01:21:49 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734560 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Relentless and X2C pose in front of a mirror together.

Relentless: Mmmm yeah, we lookin' good tonight, boy.

X2C: Yeahh, mmm...

Relentless: Hey you got the video camera, right?

X2C: Yeah, we gonna do this shit fo' real?

Relentless: You know X2C, you always my favorite of the boys.

X2C: That wasn't really what I--

Relentless: Yo' moves is HOT, boy.

X2C: Uh, yeah... yeah I feel you man--

Pipelaya walks in.

Pipelaya: How my boys doin'? Yo check this shit I been workin' on...

Pipelaya thrusts his hips into the empty space in front of him, letting out a barely audible moan with each powerful contraction.

Pipelaya: And then watch--

Pipelaya places his hands out in front of him, as if to grasp the hips of a priceless statue. Suddenly he thrusts even more forcefully than before, every muscle of his lower body convinced that he is actually having sex. With a woman, or something.

X2C: Aww, man, he's pitchin' a t--

Relentless: Shhhh, don't mess up his flow, man. Pipelaya's on a roll...

X2C: Aight man...

X2C turns back to the mirror and practices taking off his wifebeater.

Pre$$ure and Satisfaktion enter.

Pre$$ure: Hey hey guys--well hellooo Pipelaya...

Satisfaktion: 'Sup boys. We recordin' tonight?

Relentless: Hell yeah. Pretty Ricky Huddle!

All come together around the ottoman.

Relentless: Listen up, guys. We gotta put everything into this video right here. Those punk-asses at the talent show were just the wrong audience for us, you know? You want fame now-days, ya gotta make it on the fuckin' internet. We get our names out there, we show the world what we got, we gonna get some serious pussy.

X2C: Yeah!?

Pre$$ure: It's just a figure of speech, baby.

X2C: Please don't call me that.

Relentless: Action!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/1/collegehumor.a00fe70e53185b4ab2ace1a166a3dabe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6510">Happy Happy Happy Man</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734560">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />