Daniel Eric Lopez's Articles

4 total in July 2008

  • An Internal Coversation- Canine Edition

    by Daniel Eric Lopez July 23, 2008

    Brain: Rise and shine boys! It's 4pm and we need to get up from our 5th nap of the day. It's time for our walk!

    Legs: Yes! I've had so much energy all day.

    Ears: Can we nap some more? I'm still pretty tired...

    Brain: Sorry ears, but the master got the leash out. You know the protocol; it's time to go nuts.

    Eyes: I confirm the leash. It's definitely out.

    Ears: Ok, but another nap when we get back.

    Brain: You got it.

    Crotch: Guys, I'm sorry about this, but I really need to be licked now.

    Brain: C'mon, crotch. Not now, we're just about to get a walk!

    Crotch: I'm sorry, but I really need to be licked. Seriously.

    Tongue: Permission to lick crotch, sir?

    Brain: Yeah, go ahead, but be quick.

    Tongue: Incoming!

    Brain: I told you not to say that anymore... Alright, time to go crazy.

    Nose: Hold on, I smell something. And it smells gooooooood.

    Ears: I hear a bag opening. Sounds just like a bag of chips. Eyes, confirm for me please.

    Eyes: I confirm the bag. It says "Doritos Cooler Ranch".

    Brain: Those are the same ones that we got into when the masters left last week.

    Jaw: Should we commence begging sir? Or bark like mad for the leash?

    Brain: Hmm... tough choice boys. What do we usually do in these situations?

    Legs: Hump someone's leg?

    Brain: Exactly.

    Crotch: Yes!

    ---------------------

    Mary: Honey, the dog is doing it again.

    Bob: Lick his crotch then hump your leg once he saw the leash?

    Mary: Yeah.

    Bob: God, dogs are so weird.

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  • A Meeting of the Food Network Chefs

    by Daniel Eric Lopez July 18, 2008
    Bobby Flay: Welcome everybody! I'm glad you could all make it to tonights meeting.
    Paula Deen: Well thank ya hon! I'm so glad that I could make it.
    Gina Neely: Thanks baby!
    Pat Neely: Yeah, thanks-
    Gina Neely: Shut up
    Rachael Ray: T-Y!
    Giada De Laurentiis: Just look at my clevage. Please?
    Bobby Flay:     So we need to decide the future of Food Network. Lets hear some ideas for future shows.
    Mario Batali: I think we should deversify our shows so we can attract a larger audience, and in turn bring in more money.
    Alton Brown: Um, I guess that would work if you were STUPID! We definitely need more shows that are more informative on the historyof what we cook. And a completely different show style too. Like, morelike an actual show. I used to be a director? Please? ... Nevermind.
    Tyler Florence: I think the way we are going now is fine. Especially if it has more of my recipes in it.
    Rachael Ray: We defeinitely need to make more mentioning of E-V-O-O and S and P.
    Paula Deen: We definitely need more butter in our shows.
    Bobby Flay: And I think we need to have more shows with me in them! It appears that we are all in dissagreement here.
    Giada De Laurentiis: I think the amount of clevage I show is just fine.
    Bobby Flay: I agree with that. So what should we do with our other shows?
    Emiril Lagasse: BAM!!!
    Bobby Flay: Hey hey hey, you don't have a show here anymore. You have to leave, Emiril.
    Emiril Lagasse: Bam... (Leaves)
    Bobby Flay: Can he say anything else? Alright, where were we?
    Alton Brown: I think we were at the point... where we ask Marc Summers for his infinte wisdome.
    Everyone: (Gasps)
    Rachael Ray: He's H-O-T.
    Bobby Flay: Let me summon him. (kneels to the statue of Marc Summers) Oh brave and beautiful Marc Summers, please gace us with your presence.
    Marc Summers: (Appears out of nowhere) AH! ... oh, I thought I told you to call me if you wanted to talk to me. Why do you gotta do this summoning thing?
    Bobby Flay: ...Cause it's cool. So what is your opinion on where Food Network should head?
    Marc Summers: Um...I've always been under the impression that we need to use more slime,but I guess what were doing is fine... do people really expect us tochange?
    (Everyone stares at him)
    Bobby Flay: Totally.
    Paula Deen: We Definitely need more butter.
    Giada De Laurentiis: We should probably put in more clevage. Watch my show?
    Rachael Ray: Dude, W-T-F? G-T-F-O.
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  • Driving Troubles

    by Daniel Eric Lopez July 15, 2008
    Passenger: I'm so pumped for this party. It's gonna be bomb.
    Driver: I know bro! We're gonna get so drunk. Blackout for sure.
    Passenger: And all those chicas will be there too!
    Driver: Dude, this party is gonna be so legit. Hey, so I turn left up here?
    Passenger: Right.
    Driver: Oh, ok (turns right)
    Passenger: Dude, what are you doing? You're other left.
    Driver: Oh, my bad. I thought you meant, "turn right". No biggie. (turns around)
    Passenger: Idiot.
    Driver: Whatever. Alright, where do I go from here?
    Passenger: You want to turn right at this light coming up, so you'll want to get in the right lane.
    Driver: The light right here?! (Swerves into the right lane, almost hitting another car) Dude, you need to give me more warning next time.
    Passenger: Sorry man, I wasn't thinking.
    Driver: It's ok, we're even now. So where to from here? It's this right coming up, yes?
    Passenger: (mumbles) I think... left...
    Driver: Left, it is. (turns left)
    Passenger: I think I left my frat hat in my room! I can't go to parties without it! Wait, why are you turning left?
    Driver: Dear god, not again (turns around)
    Passenger: Alright, despite some setbacks I think we're here. Let me call my buddy cause I don't see any other cars here... (calls buddy) Hey, what's your house number again? Weird, I don't see anywhere near that number. You're on Colt Ct. right? No? You live on Happy Valley Road? ... Can you give me a second? (hangs up, turns to driver) um, we're nowhere near where we need to be. Lets retrace our steps.
    Driver: Ok, we left town, got on highway 24 east-
    Passenger: Oh... we were supposed to go on 24 west.
    Driver: F*ck.

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  • Offensive Rap Names

    by Daniel Eric Lopez July 03, 2008
    • Lu-gay Fiasco
    • Yu-Bang Man
    • Sir Dix-a-lot
    • Gay-Z
    • Lil Wang
    • Tu-cock Shakur
    • Jizzy Elliot
    • Andre Dick-itina
    • Mistah Fag and the Yellow Pole Riders
    • Mac Gay
    • Notorious HIV positive
    • P Titty
    • 50 Cunt
    • Dr. Gay
    • R. Kelly
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Daniel Eric Lopez UC Berkeley

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life goals:
-finally finish that novel I've been working on<...

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