College is full of useless majors. Sociology is one of them. Just pick one word from each column to create your very own sociology class.

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Dear Producers of MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16”,

My name is Stan Michelson and I’m writing to you on behalf of my soon to be 16-year-old daughter Stacie. See, Stacie absolutely loves your program. The thing is I really think you guys are getting up the hopes of a lot of young girls.

Stacie turns 16 in 4 months and is already hinting at an exclusive party in the heart of Beverly Hills. We live in a small town called Socrates in upstate New York. You can begin to see the problem I’m having? Right now I’m working three jobs just to save up enough money for her to go to college, but I think Stacie would rather blow her entire college fund on one huge party. Or as she so eloquently put it “one night of awesomeness is worth more than 4 years at any college”.  She’s been talking about it ever since that wretched show aired.

Kev Kage: OK, so, first off...should I call you She?

She: That’s a little short, but it’ll do.

KK: Great. It’s no secret that you’re pretty well-known amongst the CollegeHumor commenters. How would you gauge your popularity?

She: I can’t believe how much it’s grown!

KK: It really is incredible, isn’t it? People seem to take notice of everything you say, even if it’s an arbitrary comment. For example, someone mentioned that you said, “I love roosters.”

She: That’s not exactly what came out of my mouth.

KK: Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t read my notes. My handwriting is atrocious.

She: Don’t worry, there’s better things you can do with your hands.

KK: How right you are! I heard that you broke the world record for “Time Spent on the Tea Cup Ride”, and that your Dad was your coach. What kind of advice did he give to you?

She: He just told me to sit on it and spin.

KK: Tremendous words of wisdom. Speaking of which, do you have anything to say to the people who have been thinking about making the SATs more difficult?

She: The harder the better, I always say.

You know those cheesy pick-up lines that got you into that frustrating relationship?

There's only one known antidote, like water for fire or robots for cancer.  It's these zingers that'll wind up your relationship quick!

1.  It must have hurt... when you dragged yourself up from Hell.

2.  Is it hot in here, or do you have some kind of glandular condition that causes you to sweat a lot?

3.  Was your daddy a baker?  Because you're kind of obese.

4. (Throw water at them.)  You should get out of those wet clothes.  You know, eventually.

5.  If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd eliminate U.

6.  What's someone like you doing in a nice place like this?

7.  Excuse me, do you have any raisins?  How about a date?  Oh, sorry, I meant the fruit.

8.  Do you wash your pants in Windex?  Because it looks as though there is something seriously wrong with your pants.

9.  Is that a peanut in your pocket, or is that just the biggest erection you've ever experienced?