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Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Bill: Hello, new acquaintance.

Dave: Hey, neighbor, can I ask you something?

Bill: City hall. Rain cloud. Dollar sign.

Dave: Um, yeah. Listen, I really need a friend. My boss says I can't get promoted until I get one and learn something about cooking. Life in politics is not what I imagined.

Bill: Soccer ball. Earth. Ghost!

Dave: Uh...huh.

Bill: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Pause.

Dave: So....you watch any sports or anything?

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Um, no thanks. I only ask because my TV only gets four channels, and they all speak this non-sense jibberish language. It's so weird.

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Uh, still no, thanks.

Bill: Tickle!

Dave: Haaaa...very funny. That was not at all awkward.

Bill: We're friends now.

Yesterday afternoon when I was having sex with my girlfriend, she abruptly stopped and remained quiet - with a very serious look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong, she quickly replied, "I think my strawberry crops withered..." She was talking about her Farmville on Facebook. She left the bed and went to get her laptop, she never came back.
-Anonymous

My ex-girlfriend's favorite band was Nickelback...
-Dan, UTK.

I went with my (now ex) girlfriend to a Coinstar machine. It's one of those things where you dump in coins and it gives you a check for the amount so you don't have to count them out and roll them. On the side of the machine it says that the fee is 9 cents for every dollar of coins you put in. I commented how that was a rip off. She replied word for word. "Yeah. 9 cents for every dollar, that's like twenty percent!" She's trying to get into grad school....
-Paul, BSU

My Girlfriend was watching Saturday Night Live online and stopped it to ask me "When does SNL come out on T.V?"
-Anonymous

David: Taunt dude! You're supposed to be the tank!

Zach: Just back up, you're drawing agro.

David: I can't, I'm-

Cheryl: *opening the door* David...?

David: Oh sh*t!

Cheryl: Discarded pizza rolls, empty Mountain Dew bottles...What's going on here?

David: We were...I was...fixing Zach's computer!

Cheryl: Liar! *starts bawling* You're having a LAN party aren't you!?

David: You weren't supposed to see this! You aren't supposed to be home for another three hours!

Zach: I should leave.

David: No, you know what? I'm done hiding.

Cheryl: *crying* You told me you were watching football.

David: Zach and I are in love! With Warcraft.

Cheryl: What's next, David? Painting Warhammer figures? Magic The Gathering? You're a child.

Zach: Magic is a complex game of strategy! It's not for kids!

Cheryl: You stay out of this! You...you...virgin loser!

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Learning a language, exploring new cultures, and broadening one's horizons are all really boring reasons to study abroad. Roll-over to see what students really expect overseas.

Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I'm wearing sweatpants and we're right in the middle of class.

Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET'S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.

Brain: We're definitely not gonna do that.

Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.

Brain: Please go back to sleep.

Penis: F*CK NO. I'M AMPED.

Brain: But I've gotta do a presentation. Everyone's going to see you...

Penis: DON'T CARE.

Brain: Please, I'm begging you.

Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

Principal Smith: Hello graduating class of 2009! I want to introduce to you our salutatorian AKA the smartest kid at school who still looks retarded compared to Wendell Blatt. Here she is, Mindy Kang.

Mindy: Hey everyone. I don't have much to say...

Stephanie McKinley's Mom: Boo! Bring out Wendell Blatt, he's so cool!

Randy: Yeah right, Wendell wears sweatpants all the time. Even in the Summer.

Stephanie McKinley's Mom: Wow, you're stupid and annoying. Sweats are comfy and practical. Plus I like seeing Wendell's huge bulge.

Mindy: I just want to say that even though my grades were better than Wendell's everyone knows he's the smartest kid at school. He just doesn't have to prove it by doing math.

Principal Smith: No sh*t.

*Knock* *Knock*

Me: Hello?

Tamagotchi: It's been a long time, Brian.

Me: Blobby!?

Tamagotchi: I'm surprised you recognize me after all these years.

Me: I...I had no idea you were still alive. *Goes in for a hug*

Tamagotchi: Don't touch me! Don't you dare F*CKING touch me.

Me: But-

Tamagotchi: No! Don't explain yourself to me. I've waited my whole life for this moment; to finally tell you off.

Me: I'm so sorry, Son.

Tamagotchi: Son!? SON? You think you have the right to call me that? I lived in a pile of my own sh*t for 12 years! There was no one to clean up after me.

Noise violations
Weekends spent at home
Chances you'll still like her after she confiscates your bong
Number of Disney movie marathon hall activities attended
Disney soundtracks on iTunes
Desire to be an R.A.

Dave: Bro, how crazy was last night?

Jimmy: It was nuts as balls, dude. I had no idea you could drink that much.

Dave: Fourteen Ecto Coolers in one night. I was blitzed out of my skull.

Jimmy: Oh man, you probably don't remember then...

Dave: Remember what?

Jimmy: That chick you hooked up with at the club.

Dave: What club?

Jimmy: Chuck E. Cheese.

Dave: I hooked up with someone at The Cheese!?

Jimmy: Yeah dude, that Jenny chick. The slutty one.

Dave: No way bro.

Jimmy: You two were holding hands in the ball pit like all night. You should get yourself tested, man.