Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS...

Victim: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS!

Zombie #2: Mark.

Zombie #1: Shhh, I'm trying to stay focused here. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!

Zombie #2: Mark that guy is getting away from us, like, really easily.

Zombie #1: Dude I know. Who would've thought a middle-aged used car salesman could suddenly turn into frickin' Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt when he was alive, I mean. Zombie Usain Bolt is slower than me somehow.

Zombie #2: But that guy's just... he's just walking briskly.

Zombie #1: I know! It's like, where's the fire, asshole? I mean, there's fires all over the place, but you know what I mean. *Sigh* C'est la vie. We'll get the next one.

Zombie #2: Mark, I've been thinking.

Zombie #1: How? Your head's barely on.

Ever since Chuck Norris invented the internet in 2003, one of the most successful formulas for comedic internet articles has been Popular social media website + history/The Bible = hilarity. Unfortunately I've never been able to get it quite right...

I was in a gas station because I needed a pack of Kool Kings.  In line in front of me was a retarded midget.  And I mean really retarded, as in mentally disabled.  Now, I am lacking in every midget-appropriate social grace known to man.  I have no idea how to behave when a midget, or otherwise tiny person, is nearby.  I often confuse them with children and speak to them as such.   Add retarded to the mix, and I'm outright socially crippled.  Additionally, after all this time, I'm still not sure if this retarded midget was a girl or a boy, or a man or a woman.  I am just going to refer to her as "her" because it's easier that way.  Just keep in mind that she might have been a he.  

She had no hair.  Just peach fuzz on top of her head.  She appeared to have a cold, which was creating a mess of mucus on her face.  She was attempting to purchase a Pepsi, but she was 48 cents short.  I happened to be holding, in my hand, two quarters.  She was fumbling around for a few minutes, trying to locate 48 cents, and I was standing behind her holding the two quarters. 

In light of the election results, I decided I would help my conservative friends who are planning to move to Canada to get away from the socialist agenda that Barack Obama is going to push on our once-great country. I compiled a small checklist of the essential items:

-Fishing gear

-Rifle for hunting moose

-Denim shirt

-Denim Jacket

-6-pack of Molson

-English-French dictionary

-Universal healthcare forms

-Bag of decriminalized marijuana

-Same-sex marriage partner

-One of those hats that have the flaps that go down over your ears

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to.  On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?"  The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory.  Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man. 

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance.  Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3?  Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?  

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

A while ago I noticed that Facebook ads had started to be tailored to me by my age. For example one ad had the headline "22 year-old gamer?". While I am a 22 year old gamer, I was getting sick of the constant ads for "BBW Girls" and gay sex so I decided to change my birthday from 1986 to 1906. The change yielded the expected results...

Note: This is not a joke, these are actual Facebook ads that came up on my profile.

That's pretty normal, older people should be worried about their retirement money, but then they started getting a little better...

There is no way that guy is over 55. Then I discovered something great...

Time to find out where you rank on the totem pole of beardos. If you think that's not a word than you're thinking too hard about words, and not hard enough about facial hair.

Clean Shaven or Baby Facin' It:
You are lower than low, you're like Hans Moleman and the Fortress of the Moles low. How dare you disrespect the empty canvas God gave you by leaving it blank. Take a few days off from shaving and then try again. Pathetic.

Note: Of course this scale is reversed for women, most men prefer a nice clean face to the circus' Bearded Lady. She's a classy gal though. And it would tickle when you kiss. So I've heard anyways.

You took down your poster of Borat. You threw out the condom wrappers that have been on your floor since January. You packed up the rest of your room and hauled it off campus.

Your finals are done. You even met this semester's goal and had oral with that hottie who's been giving you eyes since freshmen orientation.

You lugged your textbooks to book buyback, bought some weed with the extra dough, and smoked one last J with your friends until you had to head back to your parents' house for the summer.

But, as we prepare ourselves for beaches, barbeques, and sunscreen, we look back fondly on the school year, which ended with a bang...

...a BIG FUCKING FREIGHTER-BLOWING-UP BANG!

I'm talking about the LOST Season Finale!

Here's what went down this week, in a bottle of Dharma rum:

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been alot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out thetop 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

I had a suitemate last year who thought it would be funny to sneak up on me, while I was sleeping, and shave off a lot of my hair. To get him back I didn't want to repeat the same gag so, being a chemistry major, I got a little bit of lye from the lab and put it in his new shampoo. WHO IS BALD AND HAS A RASH ON HIS HEAD NOW?!?!?!

Tyler W., OSU

Freshman year, there were six of us living in a 3 bedroom suite. One of the six was a 350 pound fat ass who thought that showering was a once every other week type thing, while staying up all night downloading kiddie and animal porn was normal. He was loud, dumb, obnoxious and he smelled terrible. One night when he wasn't there, a friend of mine from down the hall went into his room, removed the mattress on his bed and just started jumping on the wooden bed frame, until he went crashing through it and created a good sized hole, that was about 18 inches long and 10 inches wide. We threw the mattress on the bed and decided to let the fat ass deal with it. When he came home he laid down on his bed on his stomach and you could tell that he was sinking. We let this go for a couple of days until he asked me if it looked like he was sinking into his bed. When I said yes, he got up, lifted up his mattress and saw the giant hole. We told him that he came home one night drunk and he jumped on his bed and he must have broken it. He believed us, put the mattress back on and went back to downloading porn.
Rob, Pitt

Let's play a game - OK close your eyes, and think of the music that played in the movie Bio-dome. Can you do it? Now close your eyes and think of the music that plays in Indiana Jones. Wanna know why one works and not the other? Because the Indiana Jones films are LEGENDARY, that's why. If you can look me straight in the eye and disagree with that statement without flinching, I'll take you out to Ruth's Chris Steak House. Seriously, I'm not playing around.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was one of my first adventure movies growing up, and to this day is still one of my undisputed favorites. The formula for a badass hero who gets the crap kicked out of him but still ends up on top has been copied time and time again unsuccessfully - and while there may be many pretenders out there, there's still only one Indiana Jones. When news first broke out about a 4th Indy movie, there was a lot of debate about Ford's age, picking up a classic that needs no continuation, and if Jones would be fist fighting Nazi's in a retirement home (admit it, that would still be awesome). And now after months of nervous anticipation, it's finally here.

Professor: K guys, can anyone in here tell me how Tyrannosaurus Rex found its food?

Student: Most of today's scientists agree that T-Rex was a scavenger. Kind of like a prehistoric vulture or someth--

Tim Murphy: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Professor: *Sigh* Something to say, Tim?

Tim: Just that I beg to f**king differ, is all.

Professor: Of course you do. What is it this time?

Tim: You couldn't BE more wrong. Those things are vicious, man. They'll stop at nothing to get to their prey, even if they have to, like, tear apart an entire SUV and toss it into a ravine and make me throw up all over myself.

F1RST!!!

Raiders of the Lost Ark

GOD: Moses, you will take these 10 Holy Commandments down to the Israelites, so that my laws may be obeyed.

MOSES: Thank you, my Lord.

GOD: You will then seal my Commandments in a sacred ark, where they will be protected.

MOSES: But what if someone should try and open it?

GOD: Then I shall melt their faces.

MOSES: I'm... I'm sorry, my Lord. What was that?

GOD: Scary ghosts shall pop out, and I shall melt their faces. Just melt them right off, my son.

They say good things come to those who wait. So, for all you readers out there who have been waiting patiently at home all week, finals a distant memory, here's to you. And for those of us who had 5 finals, including 3 in 20 hours, and capped it off with a 1 on 1 final with the most awkward professor in the world, all because you couldn't make the original time because of a stupid mandatory court date because you may or may not have been publicly intoxicated? Yeah, here's to all you guys too. Rock on, to whoever may or may not have had that happen to them this week.

Alison Becker is out helping poor people, or something lame like that, so instead, it will be me bringing you all the latest and greatest from the hottest locale in the South Pacific. Hang on to your Dharma-issued hats, it's time for LOST.

Here's what went down, in the odometer of an old sports car.