Boston
(617) dude, all these ppl at the harbor are dressed like indians wtf. come get me.

Lexington
(781) the british r coming. no homo lol.

D.C.
(202) I shot burr, that a-hole deserved it.

Texas
(956) I was at the Alamo all nite, blacked out, don't remember a thing.

D.C.
(202) I totally just freed the slaves, Davis is gonna be so pissed. LOL.

Berlin
(+49 030) Somehow wound up in Poland. crazy night.

New Mexico
(505) I m become deth.

Alabama
(334) Drunkk as fukk on front seat of bus. No ideaa where i am
(1-334) Don't move. I'm coming to get you.

Havana
(+53) Dude the soviets just hooked us up fat wit som nukes
(202) This is the usa
(+53) fuck

D.C.
(202) oh man, just boned this fatty. don't tell hillary.

You see, unless you’re going to try out your game on jail bait or your female friends back home, you’re in quite the pickle. But I’ve found a sure fire way to not only get a girl, but to use your friends as well. It’s simple, call your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. Here are some tips on bagging some sloppy seconds:

• Make sure they’ve broken up. This may sound simple, but trust me, just because she’s removed her “Relationship Status” from her Facebook, doesn’t mean that they’ve broken up. You could get your ass kicked for this. A passive drunk dial may do the trick:

-Hey, Kristen, oh man, I haven’t talked to you in forEVER!

-What’s up, Thomas? Yeah, it’s been a while.

-No, seriously… I’m so trashed right now. Hey, you still dating Adam?

-No, we broke up like four weeks ago.

-Sweet… I’ll be home in a few weeks if you want to bone or whatever.

-Alright, sounds like a date.

-Awesome.

• Don’t let your friend find out. Ever. I mean, unless he’s a huge douche, and therefore not your friend in the first place, why tell him? If this means threatening letters or breaking the broad’s jaw, so be it. Bros before hos, man. I doubt you can risk losing a friend, anyways, because if you’re resorting to this, you probably didn’t have many friends to begin with.

• Avoid crowded placed if you’re hanging out with her. This is a precaution for keeping your sexual excursion on the down low. Stay away from malls, parks and swinger clubs. Especially swinger clubs. A year is a long time, you don’t know what kind of a sexual deviant your friend has become. I hear he got into S&M second semester.

If you keep those three rules in your mind, you’ll be set for the hard part: Coercing her into sex.

First off, the formula:

Pretty simple, right? There are also a few outside variables that can help you out in your quest for vagina.

Probably the best way to get some is to side with her concerning the break-up. Tell her that her ex is an asshole and that she deserved better anyways. It probably won’t hurt to dish out some dirt about him, too. Go on, tell her what he did with his dog junior year of high school. You know you want to. Don’t linger on it though, you don’t want her focused on him all night, let alone bestiality. Tonight is about you. You and Long John Silver. On second thought, scratch that, you’re more of a Short John Silver.

Well, as long as you’re siding with her, you’ll probably be in good shape as long as you’ve done your Facebook research, like any good person does. I mean, the worst that can happen is you being denied, going home and giving yourself a stranger, right? That and her telling everyone you have a small dick. You can’t win them all.

William: Hey, Honey, how was your day?

Erin: What the fuck is this?

William: Whoa, what?

Erin: This bill. Your insurance bill. I found it in your dresser.

William: Oh god… I swear I was going to tell you…

Erin: GEICO!??! I hate that GECKO!

William: Honey, please…

Erin: I trusted you! How could you do this to me?

William: It’s insurance! Calm the hell down! Did you take your pills this morning?

Erin: I don't need those pills... Mother was right about you!

William: Let me exp-… I’ve never even met your mother!

Erin: And you never will. I killed her.

William: Wha- what the fuck?

Erin: She knew too much.

William: You’ve completely lost it! You sell insurance! You aren’t a spy!

Erin: Stop trying to change the subject! What the hell are you doing with Geico?

William: I shouldn’t have to explain myself t-…

Erin: crying JUST TELL ME! 

William: Fine. I just think it’s weird having an insurance card printed out at home, seriously. And when am I ever in a hurry anymore? We live in a townhouse in Illinois. Jesus Christ, woman. Calm down.

Erin: I think we’re through. I'm taking the kids.

William: I figured this would happen. Wait... We don't have kids! Those commercials went to your head. You need to see a doctor, you have a problem.

Erin: Oh, I have the problem, Mr. Geico Insurance. Esurance is so simple. Just quote, buy, print.

William: It costs more than my insurance now!

Erin: But it’s BETTER! QUOTE. BUY. PRINT. QUOTE. BUY. PRINT. IT’S SO EASY!

William: You know what? You do have a problem. You aren’t a god damned spy. And guess what else? I slept with Laura from Nationwide, you psycho.

gunshot

Erin: Quote, buy, print. Now where did I leave those drugs?

Listen: When this man was a boy of twenty, well into college, he had tried to decide on this before. He knew as well as any wiser man that this could not be done. The maturity necessary to make a choice of this magnitude was impossible to grasp at such a young age. He was but a child then, this time things would be different.

What is one to do? Faced with such a life-altering query, the pressure started to take hold of the very essence of his being. His eyes began to shake as a sole bead of sweat trickled down his forehead.

A man in black stood before him. He had always been there, waiting impatiently for him, for his decision. The time had come, as it does for all of mankind. Most spend all of their lives pondering this choice, yet some run foolhardily, throw caution to the wind, and make a choice that they regret for the rest of their days.

He would never know. So many questions ran through his mind, corrupting his ability to think clearly. He should not have been posed this question at such a time, in such a state.

Alas, he had finally come to the decision he had waited so anxiously to make. His body jutted forward as he laid his fist on the counter, a sort of preamble to his address. It was a sudden change in his attitude that the man in black noticed. The man was uneasy a few moments ago, but from where is this newfound confidence? The man in black thought this man must be sure of what he about to say.

And here it was, the words all had been awaiting, none more than the man in black, and the man, himself. As his vocal chords began the gentle vibration, which would soon form his response to the question at hand, he double thought himself. Is this the right choice? He quickly quashed the notion, it was too late now.

As the anticipation rose, his words were spoken with a mature confidence. He had made the right choice, and would be rewarded. He knew what he was doing, and the words escaped from his mouth:

“Double cheeseburger, no onions. To go.”

JD: Hey man, deer ahead. Watch out.
Moose: Hey, cockmaster, they call them Jägermeisters in Germany.
JD: How in the hell do you know that?
Moose: Haven't you ever seen a bottle of Jäger, numb nuts? There's a fucking deer on it.
JD: Why would they name an expensive liquor "Deer"?
Moose: Because they're Nazis, you queer-faced dick licker.
Boon: Hey, brah, I think he's right.

There you go, the Florida Dream-Crushers. Thats what you are, I think it is very descriptive and not at all misleading. Notice that your mascot is my step-father in a lumberjack outfit. I chose my step-father because, not unlike yourselves, he was always in the way of my hopes and dreams. You may ask why he is dressed as a lumberjack. Simple, because there is nothing more evil in this world than a French-Canadian lumberjack. Your new mascot wields an ax with which he cuts down forests of hope. He also wears steel-toed Wolverine® Brand boots to make sure every dream he sees is fully destroyed underfoot (I figured you could make a few extra bucks on that marketing deal).

Seriously, though, everywhere we turn, you are just standing there, taunting us. You're like the the acne breakout I got in eighth grade, right before the dance. I couldn't get rid of it, and Sally Lewis, my date, found me repulsive, and she wouldn't even dance with me, so I went home and cried myself to sleep. Then, when I got to school the next day, everyone made fun of me and I never lived it down. You're exactly like that, just a huge, embarrassing obstacle.

God, I'm sorry, I just kind of went on a tangent, there, huh? You know what, lets talk business, okay? Alright, so say you just to lose the NCAA soccer championship to us. Is that too ambitious for us right now? Alright. Understandable.

How about if we drop out of all other sports, and you just give us one sport we can reign over. Nothing like football or basketball, something simple, like Ultimate Frisbee. Just give us that one. I mean, there is really nothing we can do right now. Its like when you're playing Risk and the one kid who is strategically retarded is on the verge of losing, but he's your friend, and you feel bad, so you let him keep his army in Kamchatka. Sure it is a strategically important territory, I mean, it connects Asia to North America, but if he tries any funny business, you can just pound him into the ground.

Whats in it for you? Well, we'll try and keep people from hating you. Well, at least here. People will talk trash, and we'll say "Florida, yeah, those gracious overlords let our Ultimate Frisbee team go undefeated four seasons in a row, what benevolent leaders."

We here at OSU really hope you consider our proposition and are eagerly awaiting your response.

Thanks for your time,
The Ohio State University Athletic Department

P.S. Included is $300 to seal the deal. We would have given you more, but we spent our entire budget on "2007 FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPS - OHIO STATE" t-shirts last year.

Whenever you’re down and looking to a friend, family member, or your significant other (note: The girl you gave a roofie is not a significant other) for advice, often times the cliché “Look on the bright side…” will come up. Maybe you’ll get over your hamster running away or maybe you’ll question the idea that there is a bright side to this problem of yours. Well, to tell you the truth, there really is a bright side to everything, and I’m here to help you through your various troubles:

I assumed I was mistaken
But then it bothered me
Why would one partake
In such acts of faggotry?

I glimpsed upon the visor,
That Bluetooth phone
Both asserted to me
That it is men whom he’d bone

He may believe his apparel
Is a clever disguise
Although it makes it more obvious
That he is into guys

I hope one day
We will live in a place
Where all who pop collars
Are kicked in the face.

• "I love you guys."

_________________________________________________________

• "Who is your boyfriend? I bet he sucks dick."

• "Please don't get your boyfriend."

• "I didn't say you suck dick, it was that guy over there."

• "Shit. I think I'm bleeding."

_________________________________________________________

• "You're cute. I'd totally rape you"

• "I meant that if I were a rapist, I would rape you. It was supposed to be a compliment."

• "I just meant that you're my type, I think you're cute."

• "Please don't call the police."

_________________________________________________________

• "I am so drunk, I fucking love beer!"

• "I am never drinking again."

• "I just threw up. I can't drink anymore."

• "Yeah, I guess you can pour me another one."

• "I fucking love beer!"

_________________________________________________________

• "Officer, its okay, we were looking through her window before she started changing her clothes."

Twenty-five minutes later.

Alright, what did you want to talk about? Oh yeah, denying me a bro-grab in front of the brahs. Not cool, Ashley, not cool. Why wouldn’t I kiss you? We’re in front of the brahs, I don’t want them thinking I’m gay or something. What do you mean by “How is it gay to kiss a girl?” It just is, alright. Same goes for saying “I love you.” Its just gay. I don’t make the rules.

Why are you crying? Cut it out, seriously, they’ll hear us. I told you, Valentine’s day is for fags. We’re all wearing pink, though. That should be enough. No, I’m not in love with Moose more than you. Thats gay. Moose is a solid guy, though, and you’re unstable. Hey, want to shotgun a Natty? Fine. We won’t. Come on, stop it. This is really killing my buzz, Ashley.

Finally. You done crying? What do you mean “My parents were right, you’re going nowhere in life?” I’m starting an internship at Moose’s dad’s dealership next summer. My grades are shitty? Big Deal. I already said that Moose is hooking me up.

So this is it? You’re breaking up with me. Well, actually, I’m breaking up with you. How do you like that? Hey, want to shotgun a beer before you go? The offer stands. Screw you, too, then! You were sleeping with who? Moose? Well, he’s my brah, you probably tricked him with your whoreish sorcery, bitch. Later, hater.

 Yo Moose! Pong? Aight, cool.

    The fact is, women love clothes. And this allusion to you being a piece of fashion will trigger the clothing-lobe in her brain. You have made yourself instantly desirable. The girl will feel she needs to have you before you become trendy and all her friends have you. Bingo. Hell, I'm sure you can tell her you're $29.95 and she'll pay you while she's under her shopping-hypnosis.

"Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day."

(DISCLAIMER: This doesn't work on fatties. Fatties don't run.)

    You're telling her she's athletic, or at least looks the part. That gives you an upper hand right off the bat. Girls also love it when guys think about them, obviously because all women have severe egomania. Pay no heed to the fact that she doesn't know you and may think its kind of weird you were thinking about her prior to this occasion. You're a pervert who has seen her strolling around campus. You've noticed her, so what? Thats not weird at all.

    She's obviously already attracted to you, so what better than to consummate your relationship with a one-night stand? Seriously, she'll totally be down, just ask her. Better yet, she knows, just blindfold her and throw her in your trunk and take her home. She'll understand completely.

(After a night of stimulating conversation with one girl)
"Hey, I think you're cute and I'd like to go out with you sometime, can I get your number?"
    No. This doesn't work. Ever. No girls will ever go for this, they'll probably just slap you. This type of line won't get you laid, sorry buddy. A better alternative is "If I were a rapist, I'd totally go for you." Thats the kind of compliment girls are looking for. And you'll totally get some. No lie.

    Those are just a few pick-up lines in a plethora of sure-fire ways to get laid. Try some of these on for size, and get back to me. I'd like to know how many women each of these lines gets you. Ten, maybe? Fourteen? Yeah, fourteen. I guarantee you'll get at least fourteen women using these lines. I should probably charge for this kind of awesome advice.