CollegeHumor: Stuff Thomas Murray Likes

How Zombies Learned to Run

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0400

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS...

Victim: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS!

Zombie #2: Mark.

Zombie #1: Shhh, I'm trying to stay focused here. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!

Zombie #2: Mark that guy is getting away from us, like, really easily.

Zombie #1: Dude I know. Who would've thought a middle-aged used car salesman could suddenly turn into frickin' Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt when he was alive, I mean. Zombie Usain Bolt is slower than me somehow.

Zombie #2: But that guy's just... he's just walking briskly.

Zombie #1: I know! It's like, where's the fire, asshole? I mean, there's fires all over the place, but you know what I mean. *Sigh* C'est la vie. We'll get the next one.

Zombie #2: Mark, I've been thinking.

Zombie #1: How? Your head's barely on.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/7/collegehumor.1a8d4bdd12eb35c73182c827b94ab675.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-28 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 105 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Rejected Attempts at Historical Internet Articles

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ever since Chuck Norris invented the internet in 2003, one of the most successful formulas for comedic internet articles has been Popular social media website + history/The Bible = hilarity. Unfortunately I've never been able to get it quite right...

Challenger's Twitter

Missed Connections from 1929

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.6373d99cdef768d5a492fa8b017600f7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-23 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Introverted Pacman

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:00:00 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1021902"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.2db53d48c6234727bba1571f6fc0ac6d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-12-19 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1021902">Tommy Wilder</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:511"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 20 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Grandpa Edits The New York Times

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:00:00 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:43301"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/b/collegehumor.df18034e9c8a415b8853e7bb8e9bd7f2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-12-09 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:43301">Adam Hrabik</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:569"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 59 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Little Person Incident

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I was in a gas station because I needed a pack of Kool Kings. In line in front of me was a retarded midget. And I mean really retarded, as in mentally disabled. Now, I am lacking in every midget-appropriate social grace known to man. I have no idea how to behave when a midget, or otherwise tiny person, is nearby. I often confuse them with children and speak to them as such. Add retarded to the mix, and I'm outright socially crippled. Additionally, after all this time, I'm still not sure if this retarded midget was a girl or a boy, or a man or a woman. I am just going to refer to her as "her" because it's easier that way. Just keep in mind that she might have been a he.

She had no hair. Just peach fuzz on top of her head. She appeared to have a cold, which was creating a mess of mucus on her face. She was attempting to purchase a Pepsi, but she was 48 cents short. I happened to be holding, in my hand, two quarters. She was fumbling around for a few minutes, trying to locate 48 cents, and I was standing behind her holding the two quarters.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1832355"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.51f653589171fe2875236c066f6d377b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-20 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1832355">Lenore Zion</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 554 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Republican Canadian Relocation Checklist

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In light of the election results, I decided I would help my conservative friends who are planning to move to Canada to get away from the socialist agenda that Barack Obama is going to push on our once-great country. I compiled a small checklist of the essential items:

Say hello to your new neighbor

-Fishing gear

-Rifle for hunting moose

-Denim shirt

-Denim Jacket

-6-pack of Molson

-English-French dictionary

-Universal healthcare forms

-Bag of decriminalized marijuana

-Same-sex marriage partner

-One of those hats that have the flaps that go down over your ears

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.6373d99cdef768d5a492fa8b017600f7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-06 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

NewsFreed

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:50:40 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/7/collegehumor.1a8d4bdd12eb35c73182c827b94ab675.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-09 11:50:40 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 969 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

CollegeHumor Movie Review: The Dark Knight

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 14:13:05 -0400

This symbol was derived from an old Roman diety, the God of 'Epic Win'

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to. On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?" The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory. Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man.

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance. Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3? Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:412068"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.5265cbed7be39708f3297ab377c1806a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-19 14:13:05 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:412068">Scott Bennett</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:445"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 126 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Real Facebook ads for old people

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:22:05 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> A while ago I noticed that Facebook ads had started to be tailored to me by my age. For example one ad had the headline "22 year-old gamer?". While I am a 22 year old gamer, I was getting sick of the constant ads for "BBW Girls" and gay sex so I decided to change my birthday from 1986 to 1906. The change yielded the expected results...

Note: This is not a joke, these are actual Facebook ads that came up on my profile.

That's pretty normal, older people should be worried about their retirement money, but then they started getting a little better...

There is no way that guy is over 55. Then I discovered something great...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.6373d99cdef768d5a492fa8b017600f7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-30 17:22:05 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Black Guys On A Beautiful Day

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 12:11:51 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1818389"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/9/collegehumor.3958df0eea0a2b39dcadcc29bb92e8fb.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 408 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Hardly Working: Agreements

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 10:20:46 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1818219"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.bc4643ae16c27fdbf2d0875a358cab8d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 623 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Facial Hair Hierarchy

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 12:35:39 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Time to find out where you rank on the totem pole of beardos. If you think that's not a word than you're thinking too hard about words, and not hard enough about facial hair.

Clean Shaven or Baby Facin' It:
You are lower than low, you're like Hans Moleman and the Fortress of the Moles low. How dare you disrespect the empty canvas God gave you by leaving it blank. Take a few days off from shaving and then try again. Pathetic.

Note: Of course this scale is reversed for women, most men prefer a nice clean face to the circus' Bearded Lady. She's a classy gal though. And it would tickle when you kiss. So I've heard anyways.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1639756"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/1/collegehumor.8183f2445c65a592f3bb9c91d6a80a95.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-02 12:35:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1639756">Geoff Zochodne</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Lost: BOOM

Fri, 30 May 2008 01:07:07 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You took down your poster of Borat. You threw out the condom wrappers that have been on your floor since January. You packed up the rest of your room and hauled it off campus.

Your finals are done. You even met this semester's goal and had oral with that hottie who's been giving you eyes since freshmen orientation.

You lugged your textbooks to book buyback, bought some weed with the extra dough, and smoked one last J with your friends until you had to head back to your parents' house for the summer.

But, as we prepare ourselves for beaches, barbeques, and sunscreen, we look back fondly on the school year, which ended with a bang...

...a BIG FUCKING FREIGHTER-BLOWING-UP BANG!

I'm talking about the LOST Season Finale!

Here's what went down this week, in a bottle of Dharma rum:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127551"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/7/collegehumor.804862632c6374e1826226f733d980b9.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-30 01:07:07 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127551">Alison Becker</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:54"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 15 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Facebook Ads Get Personal

Thu, 29 May 2008 13:34:27 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/9/collegehumor.84b4a786a9132395f7787d191d179d31.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-29 13:34:27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978">Quailman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:93"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 107 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Roommate Confessions: Issue 28

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:16:04 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been alot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out thetop 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

I had a suitemate last year who thought it would be funny to sneak up on me, while I was sleeping, and shave off a lot of my hair. To get him back I didn't want to repeat the same gag so, being a chemistry major, I got a little bit of lye from the lab and put it in his new shampoo. WHO IS BALD AND HAS A RASH ON HIS HEAD NOW?!?!?!

Tyler W., OSU

Freshman year, there were six of us living in a 3 bedroom suite. One of the six was a 350 pound fat ass who thought that showering was a once every other week type thing, while staying up all night downloading kiddie and animal porn was normal. He was loud, dumb, obnoxious and he smelled terrible. One night when he wasn't there, a friend of mine from down the hall went into his room, removed the mattress on his bed and just started jumping on the wooden bed frame, until he went crashing through it and created a good sized hole, that was about 18 inches long and 10 inches wide. We threw the mattress on the bed and decided to let the fat ass deal with it. When he came home he laid down on his bed on his stomach and you could tell that he was sinking. We let this go for a couple of days until he asked me if it looked like he was sinking into his bed. When I said yes, he got up, lifted up his mattress and saw the giant hole. We told him that he came home one night drunk and he jumped on his bed and he must have broken it. He believed us, put the mattress back on and went back to downloading porn.
Rob, Pitt

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.45397a4c6c8241522ef776b95348cf0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-29 11:16:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326">Jeff Rosenberg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 64 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Help the Police

Wed, 28 May 2008 09:00:24 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1817406"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/9/collegehumor.315befa13cf768fca16293891daeb1f3.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 356 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

An Unofficial CollegeHumor Movie Review - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Fri, 23 May 2008 00:52:12 -0400

Never, ever question a man with a whip.

Let's play a game - OK close your eyes, and think of the music that played in the movie Bio-dome. Can you do it? Now close your eyes and think of the music that plays in Indiana Jones. Wanna know why one works and not the other? Because the Indiana Jones films are LEGENDARY, that's why. If you can look me straight in the eye and disagree with that statement without flinching, I'll take you out to Ruth's Chris Steak House. Seriously, I'm not playing around.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was one of my first adventure movies growing up, and to this day is still one of my undisputed favorites. The formula for a badass hero who gets the crap kicked out of him but still ends up on top has been copied time and time again unsuccessfully - and while there may be many pretenders out there, there's still only one Indiana Jones. When news first broke out about a 4th Indy movie, there was a lot of debate about Ford's age, picking up a classic that needs no continuation, and if Jones would be fist fighting Nazi's in a retirement home (admit it, that would still be awesome). And now after months of nervous anticipation, it's finally here.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:412068"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.5265cbed7be39708f3297ab377c1806a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-23 00:52:12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:412068">Scott Bennett</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:445"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 79 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Kids From 'Jurassic Park' Aren't Doing So Well In Their College Paleontology Class

Thu, 22 May 2008 19:20:50 -0400

Look at him. He has no idea how many different ways he's about to almost die.

Professor: K guys, can anyone in here tell me how Tyrannosaurus Rex found its food?

Student: Most of today's scientists agree that T-Rex was a scavenger. Kind of like a prehistoric vulture or someth--

Tim Murphy: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Professor: *Sigh* Something to say, Tim?

Tim: Just that I beg to f**king differ, is all.

Professor: Of course you do. What is it this time?

Tim: You couldn't BE more wrong. Those things are vicious, man. They'll stop at nothing to get to their prey, even if they have to, like, tear apart an entire SUV and toss it into a ravine and make me throw up all over myself.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/7/collegehumor.1a8d4bdd12eb35c73182c827b94ab675.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-22 19:20:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 325 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A CH Commenter Learns His Presidents

Wed, 21 May 2008 15:44:30 -0400

George Washington

F1RST!!!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:480268"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/4/collegehumor.1ac1a12951625e3c5f453414ec0865a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-21 15:44:30 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:480268">Kevin Slane</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:166"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 58 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

God, According to Indiana Jones

Wed, 21 May 2008 15:31:21 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Raiders of the Lost Ark

GOD: Moses, you will take these 10 Holy Commandments down to the Israelites, so that my laws may be obeyed.

MOSES: Thank you, my Lord.

GOD: You will then seal my Commandments in a sacred ark, where they will be protected.

MOSES: But what if someone should try and open it?

GOD: Then I shall melt their faces.

MOSES: I'm... I'm sorry, my Lord. What was that?

GOD: Scary ghosts shall pop out, and I shall melt their faces. Just melt them right off, my son.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-21 15:31:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 610 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />