Matt Walsh Likes

I understand that limericks are easy to remember and fun to share with your friends. I do. But at a certain point, this is my life we’re talking about. And I’ve had enough with the rumors. No. You know what, this is more than that. This is SLANDER.

Okay, yes. Yes, I have monstrous genitalia. And yes, it is so long that if I wanted to – IF I wanted to – I could place it in my mouth. But it is a GROSS misinterpretation of the facts to imply that I do this on a regular basis, not to mention the absurd assumption that if my ear had the characteristics of the female sex organ, I would want to “f*ck it.” Can you imagine the speech I had to listen to when my mother first got wind of this? She talked my ear off. No, not the one I want to f-… Just shut up for a second and let me vent.

Another thing: I have a medical condition, and as such I have custom-made undergarments that provide extra support to my gargantuan, engorged testicles. I do NOT – nor have I ever – carried my balls in a bucket. That would be ridiculous. Think about it. From a purely logistical standpoint, it makes little to no sense.