These creepy screencaps were sent to me by Leslie. Send in your own and we'll pay you $150 if we use it.  See the end of the article for details.  In the meantime, enjoy the world's worst Facebook flirter.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Craig. Seriously dude, stop throwing rocks." - Jesus H. Christ














"No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent. And if you don't like it, too bad. I'm the president." - Abraham Lincoln

David: Taunt dude! You're supposed to be the tank!

Zach: Just back up, you're drawing agro.

David: I can't, I'm-

Cheryl: *opening the door* David...?

David: Oh sh*t!

Cheryl: Discarded pizza rolls, empty Mountain Dew bottles...What's going on here?

David: We were...I was...fixing Zach's computer!

Cheryl: Liar! *starts bawling* You're having a LAN party aren't you!?

David: You weren't supposed to see this! You aren't supposed to be home for another three hours!

Zach: I should leave.

David: No, you know what? I'm done hiding.

Cheryl: *crying* You told me you were watching football.

David: Zach and I are in love! With Warcraft.

Cheryl: What's next, David? Painting Warhammer figures? Magic The Gathering? You're a child.

Zach: Magic is a complex game of strategy! It's not for kids!

Cheryl: You stay out of this! You...you...virgin loser!

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There's a reason filmmakers rarely cast actual teenagers. Real adolescence is full of insecurity, change, stickiness, and other things no one actually wants to see on a big screen. However, there's a fine line between comfortably post-pubescent and an obviously receding hairline. Here's seven actors who were simply too old to play high school.

Judd Nelson - Breakfast Club
Movie Age: 17 / Actual Age: 26
It's OK that Judd Nelson's classic bad boy looks a few years older than his naive peers. It's not OK that he looks like he's been drinking and smoking heavily for the past two decades. Through no fault of Judd's, the fingerless gloves and endlessly layered flannel all reek of a guy a little too old trying a little too hard.

Roommates are horrible. See?  And just like dude roommates, girl roommates break up into 7 distinct types.  See which one you are or, if you're a guy, see which kind you have to deal with when you sleep in your girlfriend's room. 

You were randomly assigned to each other, but right from the start it's a match made in heaven. Within just a week, you know each other's pooping schedules and your periods are synced. Sure, it's nice when roommates hit it off - it's certainly better than the alternative, but when you two have scheduled a weekly time for mani-pedis or Bad Movie Night, the path of this relationship is predictable. Soon, the clothes-borrowing agreement you have is going to blow up after a barbeque sauce mishap. And then the eventual "Where did you put my first season Will & Grace DVD box set?" spat will drive you even closer to the edge. Something crazy is about to happen, and it's either going to involve making out or starting the no-holds-barred fight of the century. The good news is that since you guys had no friends outside each other, no one will actually care and you can start making new friends and your once-BFF will just become another person you avoid eye contact with in the dining hall.

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You first meet this wittle angel when she rides her high horse into your college dorm room. You can tell, even before she shows you her purity ring, that she is saving herself for marriage. While you go out and party, your roommate spends the first few weekends of college studying, or reading, or watching reruns of Dawson's Creek. Instead of having a night cap with you every Tuesday and Thursday nights, she sips her decaffeinated herbal tea from the heirloom China teacup her great grandmother gave her. For her birthday, you decide to get her some wine. "It's just like the wine at church!" she shouts as she pours the blood of Christ down her throat. Later that night, when stumbling back from the bars, you step on something sharp. You shout, "ahhh!" discovered it's her purity ring, and look over to see her in bed with the RA. But don't worry, they just did anal, that doesn't count as losing her virginity.

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Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

I work at OfficeMax, and a few weeks ago I had an old man come in and ask me if it was possible for "citizens" to buy their own phones. Then he asked if we carried them. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd been out of the house in decades.
-Mike R., St. Louis

My work still uses floppy disks...
-Greg, UWO

I once had a job at a bookstore. A woman came in one day, obviously a tourist from a west African country, trying very hard to speak English to me and not doing very well. I speak French, so I helped her find what she was looking for in her native language. When she left, the woman behind her spent the next twenty minutes screaming at me for catering to "those damn Mexicans" until I cried. And no, my manager didn't even let me take a break.
-Rose, VCU

I used to work at a Rainforest Cafe. On a weekly basis, grown men and women would ask me if the animatronic crocodiles, tigers, and elephants were real. One lady actually threw a fit and yelled at me because "I was creating an unsafe environment for children. The crocodile WILL escape." She had to speak to the manager to be assured the animals were machines.
-Billy, Towson University

Or, Why I Would Be More Inclined To Join GI Joe Over Other Branches Of The Military.

My ex-girlfriend played soccer in HS and a little in college. She would complain because her boobs were too big that they'd get in the way when she'd run. She would also complain how her boobs were too small.
-Confused

There was this girl who i had a huge crush on and one day she was telling me how she was having an awful day over text. So I told her that "I am coming over to cheer you up!" Little did i know that with predictive text the first option for the letter combination of cheer is Aides. So on top of her having a bad day i intended to give her AIDES
-Anonymous

My boyfriend took me on a date to see The Wicker Man.
-Ashamed

My mom, my newly acquired stepdad and I had just left Blockbuster. In an act of chivalry, my stepdad opens the door for my mom. When we're all in the car he says, "I just opened the door for you so I could see up your dress." With me sitting in the backseat. Also, he drinks O'douls.
-Mark

The ugliest girl in the office.

CEO:  Good morning everybody, let's get started.  On to the only and most important order of business, introducing our new employee, James.

Everyone in the boardroom starts applauding.

CEO:  James graduated from State University where he had a 2.45 GPA.

Oohs and Ahhs fill the boardroom along with whispers.

CEO:  We'll be getting him started immediately on our most important and vital projects. 

More applause.

Veronica:  Hello James, I'm your personal secretary.  If you need anything, and I mean anything, don't be shy.  Did I mention how cute I think you are?

CEO:  That reminds me, here is your company credit card to use for lunches, dinners, and entertaining clients and/or Veronica at the bars. 

Veronica:  Ooh that sounds fun!  Whoops, I dropped my pen, let me bend down to grab it.

CEO:  Now James, I want you to know that my door is always open and I would love to discuss any ideas that you have at any time.  Do not feel obligated to discuss anything with your direct supervisor as I know you are just as qualified as he is even though you just started and he has worked here for 12 years.

Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I'm wearing sweatpants and we're right in the middle of class.

Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET'S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.

Brain: We're definitely not gonna do that.

Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.

Brain: Please go back to sleep.

Penis: F*CK NO. I'M AMPED.

Brain: But I've gotta do a presentation. Everyone's going to see you...

Penis: DON'T CARE.

Brain: Please, I'm begging you.

Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

Their dream son-in-law.

Mr. Leet: Who do you think you are bringing his kind into my house?

Mrs. Leet: Gerald, he could hear you! He just went off to the bathroom...

Jessica: Dad! He's a nice guy, really.

Mr. Leet: He's a n00b, Jessica. A n00b.

Jessica: So what? I love him!

Mr. Leet: This relationship will never work, it's got epic fail written all over it.

Mrs. Leet: Honey, he called WoW "Wordcraft."

Jessica: I don't care what you say! Ryan and I are perfect for each other.

Mr. Leet: You're a Leet, God damn it. We don't date n00bz, we pwn them!

Mrs. Leet: He's right, dear. Insolence FTL.

Jessica: This is so unfair, I wish I was never a Leet!

Mr . Leet: You bite your tongue, young lady. There are children playing third world MMO's that would KILL for your phat lewtz.

Sports are much different in college than they were in high school. In high school sports were all about school spirit, competition, and winning. In college sports are about trying to impress other people and having something to talk about to strangers at parties. This is why you must be very careful about which sports you play on the weekends. Here is what you are saying when you pick your sport in college.

*Knock* *Knock*

Me: Hello?

Tamagotchi: It's been a long time, Brian.

Me: Blobby!?

Tamagotchi: I'm surprised you recognize me after all these years.

Me: I...I had no idea you were still alive. *Goes in for a hug*

Tamagotchi: Don't touch me! Don't you dare F*CKING touch me.

Me: But-

Tamagotchi: No! Don't explain yourself to me. I've waited my whole life for this moment; to finally tell you off.

Me: I'm so sorry, Son.

Tamagotchi: Son!? SON? You think you have the right to call me that? I lived in a pile of my own sh*t for 12 years! There was no one to clean up after me.

Individually, they're both awesome people who were friends with you pre-relationship. But when their powers combine, they form a crappy Megazord of lameness. Remember the guy who was always down for a game of tackle football? He watches "Grey's Anatomy" every week. Remember the girl you introduced him to? The one you were friends with before he even knew she existed? She hasn't spoken to you in months. Despite whatever friendship you may have had, she's been demoted to "friend's girlfriend" status; which means she sees you as competition for her boyfriend's time. Now whenever you're with him, he's got to leave early to fulfill his daily quota of "sitting around and being boring with his girl." And whenever you're with her- Wait, you're never with her. She decided you aren't friends anymore.