Mr. President ,

I am concerned that you have not been as open with the American people as your position requires.  It frightens me when I think about how little I know about you and your policies.  It's time you started answering some questions, sir, and I will not rest until my thirst, the American publics thirst, has been quenched. 

Do you drive?  Like, do you ever go "I think I'll go for a drive today" and take a car out for a spin around D.C.?  If not, how long has it been since you've driven a car?

What is your policy on eating food that has fallen on the ground?  Do you abide by the 5-Second rule or do you just say "f*ck it, I'll eat something else"? 

Do your feelings ever get hurt? 

If one of your daughters brought home a black guy and was like "Dad, this is my boyfriend," would you be mad?  Or would you, like, say you didn't mind but actually be mad on the inside?  What if it were a Mexican guy?

Are you mad you didn't have any sons?

Best pizza: Where and why?

What if when you die and go to heaven you get there and Saddam is sitting next to God and you're like "Oh sh*t"?   What about that?   What would you do?  That would suck for you.

Finally, do you have a cell phone?

Send your 105% submissions to 105percent @ gmail dot com. Let me know how you would like to be credited.

Oh, you guys. You're welcome.

After weeks of deliberation, the finals of the Disney Hottest Princess Contest are finally here! This tournament has seen ups, downs, surprises, tears, and more. At long last, we've reached the finals, where one of our lucky princesses will be declared the fairest of them all!

Before we get to the voting, let's take a look back at how we got here.

Round One

The first match-up pitted Sleeping Beauty against Pocahontas. Perhaps the Native American princess should have had reservations about entering the contest, because she failed to raise any teepees with our readers and lost to Sleeping Beauty without the blond bombshell so much as yawning. The final tally: Sleeping Beauty 78% of the votes to Pocahontas' 22%.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who, in my opinion, exhibited gross professional negligence and blatant disrespect while in my apartment to repair a clogged toilet. Though the employees refused to give their full names, I recall one being a short, pudgy man in red overalls, and the other tall and lanky in green overalls. Both had thick moustaches, and the short one, possibly a recuperating stroke victim, repeatedly shouted the name of your company in a high-pitched Italian accent.

I led the two gentlemen into the bathroom, explained the problem, told them I would be in the living room if they had any questions, and left them to their work. When I returned around half an hour later, however, I discovered the short one sitting cross-legged on the tile floor popping psychotropic mushrooms from a Ziploc bag, and the tall one—apparently tripping already—attempting to squeeze himself down my toilet and incoherently rambling something about getting to the "Mushroom Kingdom"—a place he appeared to already be in.

I went to the kitchen and began to call their supervisor. As I dialed, I heard a loud crash from my bedroom. I hung up the phone and ran over to discover the two had found their way in from the bathroom, and that the tall one had thrown my change jar to the ground and was scooping the coins up for, as he explained, "an extra life." Meanwhile, the short one was biting the heads off my girlfriend Christy's orchids. When I ran over to stop him, he warned me he now possessed the ability to shoot orbs of fire from his mouth.

At this point, I was more concerned over the two men's health, as well as the safety of my apartment. When I suggested calling an ambulance they began to panic. The tall one, under the delusion he could demolish brick walls with the top of his skull, ran headfirst into my bedroom wall, knocking himself unconscious. Then the short one jumped in the air, grabbed the lighting fixture above, ripped it from the ceiling and, screaming about his newfound "invincibility," leaped through my second-story window. Miraculously, he survived this fall, and continued to run down Union Ave. grasping my bedroom light and trying to squash every pigeon on the sidewalk he passed.

We get a lot of people sending us their books at this office. This is the first one that I actually think is worth endorsing. Here's an awesome sample:

Guy: Hey baby (Kisses girl) the necklace looks great.
Girl: I know! Thank you so much, it’s perfect.
Guy: Really? Are you sure?
Girl: Of course I’m sure, it’s wonderful. It must have cost a fortune.
Guy: Yeah. (Pause) Are you sure? The chain looks like it might be a little long, I can exchange it.
Girl: No, this is exactly the right length. I love it.
Guy: It looks long.
Girl: Nope.
Guy: Uhh, is it shiny enough?
Girl: What?
Guy: It looks like it might be a little dull. Let me take it back to the jewelry store to get it shined up for you.
Girl: That’s ridiculous, it’s fine, really.
Guy: Does the clasp work and everything? Can I look at it for a second? (Grabs at her neck)
Girl: (Pulling away) Stop it. What are you doing?
Guy: Just- look- the necklace is on sale.
Girl: What?
Guy: It’s on sale. At the store where I got it. They put it on sale today because it’s the day after Valentines.
Girl: And you want to return it and buy it back?
Guy: Exactly.
Girl: So I’m worth less to you than you originally thought?
Guy: It’s half off!
Girl: You’re ridiculous, this is so typical of you. Only caring about yourself.
Guy: Well what did you get me yesterday, a fucking t-shirt?
Girl: And I wrote a poem!
Guy: Fuck that. And you got me a medium shirt- I’m a large.
Girl: You wear your clothes too baggy!
Guy: Go to hell. And your poem? “Home” and “none” don’t rhyme, idiot.
Girl: (Crying, removes necklace and throws it to the ground) I hate you. (Runs away)
Guy: Yes.

More Perry Bible Fellowship at PBFComics.com

The BustedTees Girl. Everyone knows her. She lives inside the ad boxes on your computer. In fact, she's probably in an ad on the top of this page right now.  Every day we get creepy e-mails asking for her personal information. So we figured it'd be much easier for Erica's stalkers to learn about her by doing a public interview. Here's what we talked about:


Do you wear BustedTees when you’re not modeling them? All the time

How many BustedTees do you actually own? Every single one ever made, and some duplicates.

Do you have a favorite? I like the “second amendment” one with the bear arms.  I gave the shirt to my dad and he wears it all the time.  I also like “Jersey Girls Aint Trash, Trash Gets Picked Up” because it’s true. 

Least favorite? “Jesus Hates the Yankees”, because if Jesus hates the Yankees, then I hate Jesus.

Medium favorite? “Stewart/Colbert”, because I would totally support it, although it makes no sense whatsoever.

Where are you from? Madison, Connecticut, hometown of THE Streeter Seidell

How old are you? 20 and ¾.

Does it ever freak you out how many people look at you every day? Not really because I don’t see them look at me.  If they were to all look at me in person in one day, I might be freaked out.

Be honest, how good of a chance do our readers have of getting with you? Not very good at the moment, I’m spoken for.

Have you ever been recognized anywhere? When I first started, I got recognized a lot when I was on the nyu campus, but now people don’t really come up to me.

How did you react, was it a strange feeling, or flattering? It was strange and flattering.  Someone once asked me if I wanted to look at collegehumor.com with him one day. That was strange.

What do you do when you’re not modeling hilarious t-shirts? I go to school mostly, and frequent seedy dive bars in the village.  Most of the time I am just sitting on my couch watching Law & Order.

Do you ever come to CollegeHumor just to admire your ads? No, I don’t look at the pictures, I just really like to read the articles.

What’s your favorite movie? Pretty Woman, PCU, or Caddy Shack, it’s a three way tie.

Name:  Ashley Marie

Age: 19

Year: Sophomore

School: Central Michigan

Hometown: Rochester Hills, MI

Major: Communications

Favorite Drink: A large glass of Pinot Grigio please!….gotta keep it classy!

How would you advise a guy to go about trying to get with you:  Be genuine, if you’re honestly interested in me and not some specific body part then I’ll definitely give you a chance. 

What would you advise him not to do/say:  Come up to me and start the most awkwardly boring conversation, I’m going to walk away. Say something extremely cheesy or non-original, I’ll quickly put you in your place!

Do you have a boyfriend: It’s complicated

Can you describe to me the ideal kissing technique: I’m a fan of sensual kissing, keep it slow and smooth with a little tongue…… just because you have a tongue doesn’t mean you have to use it constantly!

What’s your most embarrassing college moment:  After some crazy dancing on the caged platform at Mt. Pleasants Wayside, I had the fabulous idea to use one of the poles to provocatively  slide down onto the dance floor fireman style, but apparently there’s no friction between smooth metal poles and sweaty hands (eww I know) so I ended up smacking my thigh on the edge of the platform and was crippled for 5 mins while my leg turned black and blue!

Do you prefer to cuddle, snuggle, nuzzle or spoon (After I rock your world) I heart spooning

More pictures of Ashley after the jump!

Madden: Well, here’s what’s going to happen. The person who came to play today with the most stamina is going to outlast the other person because stamina is the measure of how long you can last.



Michaels: He recovers it however and he has the wrapper open and the condom on quickly. He isn’t going to throw this game away that quickly.

Breaking up brings out the worst in people...

There is no explanation for this product other than massive amounts of weed.

Name: Emmy Portoff

Age: 20

Year: Sophomore

School: Central Connecticut State University

Hometown: Cheshire

Major: Psychology

Favorite Drink: Midouri Sour

What should a guy say to you if he’s trying to bone you: "Wow, you look like a supermodel." Orrrrrrr "Be gentle... I'm a virgin." Both of those would definitely work.

What should he say to you if he doesn’t like when girls touch his penis: "Sorry, I'm gay."

Is there ever a time when it’s inappropriate to wear mesh shorts: No, especially if they are size XL and they say Notre Dame Football on them and you woke up wearing them lying next to Brady Quinn.

What’s your most embarrassing college moment: Wow that’s a tough one.  I think I have a new embarrassing college moment every weekend.  Between drunken falls, drunken fights in playboy bunny costumes, ripping a giant hole in the ass of my jeans and being chased back to my dorm by Mexicans, and being kicked out of a party because I ate an entire box of Reese's Puffs.

What was your favorite show on TGIF: Boy Meets World, obviously.

More pictures of Emmy after the jump!