On July 20th, 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk to on the moon. A third crew member, Michael Collins, piloted the command module which remained in orbit around the moon. This is a transcript of communications sent by Collins to Armstrong and Aldrin.

John Stalking, Accounting: I met Phillip 35 years ago when he was just starting the company and I was a junior intern. Back then, Phil had two hobbies: Women, and whaling. Which makes sense, when you look at his wife. (Crowd erupts in laughter) Honestly, if blubber was money this retirement would have happened the day after Phil got drunk enough to marry that she-walrus. (John makes walrus noises. The crowd is cracking up. Somebody throws John a mackerel, which he catches it in his mouth. Crowd is just going nuts at this point) In all honesty Phil, I love you man, and I'm sad you're leaving. Here's to you, Phil! (John hugs Phil, crowd applauds. Phil's wife politely smiles and claps.)

Bill Stickley, Sales: Groucho Marx once said, "The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off." If you ask me, the problem with retirement is that you won't get 10 hours off every day to escape your massive wife's orbit. She's disgusting, honestly. (Crowd is laughing/applauding) Hey Phil's wife, I wish you were Phil's job and that he was retiring from you. (Another mackerel hits the stage, crowd erupts in laughter) Seriously though Phil, you're a lucky guy and I am going to miss you buddy. (Crowd applauds as Bill and Phil hug. Wife just curves the tips of her lips up, with no will power left to smile a full smile)

KATO: Brother Lee, I have glorious news! I was in deep meditation by the coy pond this morning when an overwhelming sense of peace and understanding came over me. And, well, I believe I may have come close to… to complete Nirvana.

LEE: Pshh! Oh yeah, I achieved Nirvana, like, two months ago. Glad you caught up, though. Welcome to the club.

KATO: But… but I thought it took years of patience and deep personal insight to truly achieve Nirvana.

LEE: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Maybe for some Buddhists it does. Not for me, though. I was into Nirvana before all the other Brothers were doing it.

KATO: But Brother Lee, you seem so… so human. Are you certain you reached a true state of Nirvana?

LEE: Yeah, yeah—an overwhelming sense of oneness with the universe, an unfiltered understanding of my true self, blah blah blah. I’m going to level with you, Brother Kato: Nirvana is so lower caste. You're lucky you told me before you told anyone else about this. I’m pretty sure the rest of our Brothers would have just laughed at you.

KATO: This is shocking, Brother Lee. I had always believed our faith was supposed to spread a universal sense of understanding and compassion throughout the temple.

LEE: That’s so cute. Someday you’ll be truly enlightened, Bro Kato. Until then, why don’t you sick to chanting, mmmkay?

Dad: Emily! Will you come in to the living room?
Emily: What is it, Dad?
Dad: We need to have a talk. It's about Clifford.
Emily: Is everything okay?
Dad: I'm afraid not. We may have to put Clifford down.
Emily: No, Daddy! Why?
Dad: Clifford is very sick, Emily, it's very obvious.
Emily: But I love Clifford.
Dad: We all love Clifford. But his vomitting is wildly out of control. All of the grass in our yard is dead because of it. Clifford's diarhea is impossible to clean up, I'm sure you've noticed. It's enough to fill a regular sized pool.
Emily: But-
Dad: You can smell it from blocks away.
Emily: We can move again.
Dad: We already moved after Clifford attacked that woman.
Emily: But you said Clifford just wanted to make babies.
Dad: I was trying to protect you. That woman could have died. Clifford's penis is nine feet long.
Emily: Maybe we could enter him in some kind of contest.
Dad: No, Emi- You think we haven't tried that? You think- I'm sorry, I don't want to lose my temper right now.
Emily: ...
Dad: It's just that, Emily, I'm working three jobs just to give Clifford enough food to stay alive. We moved out of town to give Clifford more room and now I sit in traffic for an hour every day on the way to work. This isn't how I imagined my life, Emily.
Emily: What about Clifford?
Dad: What about me God Damnit. Do you know how many bones of our neighbor's pets I've had to bury in our woods? Clifford is a violent dog.
Emily: I won't let you hurt Clifford!
Dad: Oh so now you're telling me what to do? I'm trying to do what's humane, Emily. But if you stand in my way, so help me God I will go Atticus Finch on that f*cking dog.
Emily: You're a monster!
Dad: Are you out of your mind? You have a GINORMOUS red dog living in my yard and I'm the monster?

Yeah, no I'll head out onto the floor next song. The song already started and I'd look stupid walking out there like a clown in the middle of it.
 
I've got a beer in my hand so right after I finish I'll head out to the dance floor. Just want to get some alcohol in me to relax, get all loosely goosey.
 
There really aren't any cute girls here that I'm attracted to. I think I'll just finish this beer in the corner. Every now and then I'll look up to scan the room for new prospects.

Why is that hot girl dancing with that guy with his shirt unbuttoned? He's not even wearing an undershirt. It's just his bare body openly displayed. Who does that? Can someone answer me? Why is she dancing with him? The king of all douches.

I'm not really feeling this beat.

DR. DOOM: —Mr. Fantastic! You have received my demand for world domination. Are you prepared to call me master? Or shall I be forced to activate the Omega Turbine and cause further destruction to your beloved planet?

MR. FANTASTIC (on an enormous video monitor): You're a madman, von Doom. A complete and utter madman! But... we accept your terms.

DR. DOOM: Insipid fool! Then your death await— Wha...? I am sorry, what did you say?

MR. FANTASTIC: You win, Dr. Doom. I've received unconditional surrenders from every sovereign nation on Earth. Congratulations, oh Exalted One!

DR. DOOM: Really? Wow. (Laughs nervously.) This is, um... it is just so unexpected. Unless— Of course! This is some clever rouse to buy time while you formulate a plan to stop me! A noble effort, but you are only delaying the inevitable!

MR. FANTASTIC: No, you're Omnipotence. In fact, the militaries of the world are being flown to your Terror Zeppelin as we speak. They're part of you Extermination Force now. Obviously, the soldiers will require food and lodging.

DR. DOOM: Oh, I see. (Feigning confidence.) Yes, of course. Then I... I have done it... Victory is mine. This is totally what I wanted.

MR. FANTASTIC: I've also taken the liberty of delivering you a list of the agricultural and socio-economic statistics of the Northern Hemisphere.

DR. DOOM: What?

MR. FANTASTIC: Yes, I thought it might be too much to send you all the world economies on your first day, Lord Doom. After all, you are only human—and ten percent demon, of course! (Laughs.)

Brian Polimer, a college Junior, is trying to brag about last night through his away messages but he's not getting any response. He changes them every so often in hopes that his luck will change.