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You're usually either too hungry or too hungover to notice, but that girl swiping your card at the dining hall is totally into you. Well, she's not into you yet, but she works in the dining hall, so this shouldn't be hard. Come on, she's kind of cute, just imagine her without that baggy shirt- wait she's still fat, but now imagine her with the lights off, that's better. Here's what you do: Flirt: When she swipes your card tell her to swipe it again. When she does swipe it again start to giggle. Laugh louder and louder each time you hear the beeping noise. Yell things like "Don't stop!"� or "Faster!"� until someone comes to quiet you.

Because nothing is funnier than your fat child slowly slipping to his death!

[picture:1702035:large:Seriously, I need a caption. Leave one in the comments.]

12. All the hot girls will eat huge salads covered in egg whites and balsamic vinegarette dressing. Sure, you may think it's cool that they watch what they eat but get closer to them. Do you smell that? I bet you do. Eat enough salad, like these girls, and you'll stink like rotting vegetables as your pores begin to secrete luquid compost. Not so hot anymore, huh? 11. They put laxatives in the food. Seriously. Explains a lot, doesn't it. 10. 80% of the staff at your dining hall openly resent you; the other 20% harbor a smoldering, subtle contempt for your arrogant appraoch to the salad bar and your constant criticism of bagel freshness.