This was a surprisingly east list to write. I could have gone on, but fifty seemed like a reasonable place to stop. If everyone in the world wrote a list like this, well, the world would be full of assholes like me. Don't write a list like this.
1)I probably don’t like you.
2)My opinions are based in grossly misunderstood fantasy.
3)I will steal your Oreos.
4)If you ask me a question, I’ll tell you the answer you want least to hear.
5)Whatever we experience together, I’ll probably write about it later.
6)I can’t tell the difference between flirting and being polite.
7)My internet connection sucks.
8)I will drift off in conversation, then jump back in with useless advice.
9)I will show you my balls, unless I already have, in which case I’ll show you my balls again.
10)If your best friend is an idiot, I will ridicule you for being friends with an idiot.
11)If you can’t use proper grammar, I will ridicule you while using it.
12)I will tell your boyfriend/girlfriend what a skank you are.
13)I will get drunk and tell you how much I hate you, and then give you pretty good reasons why.
14)You know that embarrassing thing you did? Yeah, I noticed it, and I intend to talk about it.
15)I will sell you fake drugs, then ridicule you when you act intoxicated.
16)If you are anorexic, I will call you fat.
17)If you’re fat, likewise.
18)If you are a female, chances are I’ve noticed something about you that you’d rather no one knew.
19)If you are a male, then you’re probably a douche, and I’m compiling a mental list of reasons why this is so.
20)I am impervious to most insults.
21)If you insult me and I don’t seem to mind, chances are I think you’re an idiot.
22)If you actually care about that, you probably are.
23)I can find increasingly inventive ways to steer a conversation towards the subject of my penis.
24)No matter what book you’ve read, I know something negative about the author.
25)Your choice of music is not nearly as important to me as my choice of not giving a shit about your choice of music.
26)I will get drunk and vomit in a secret place in your home, then I won’t tell you.
27)If you tell me something more than twice, I will intentionally sabotage whatever it is you’re doing.
28)I just don’t care what your third grade teacher’s name was.
29)If you have a pimple, I will repeatedly state “You have a pimple!” until you remedy the situation.
30)If you eat popcorn without being under duress, I probably hate you.
31)If you talk negatively about my penis in public, chances are I will show you to be a liar. Or I’ll just show off my penis. Whichever.
32)I don’t care about what you’re “going through” right now. It doesn’t matter. If it did, you wouldn’t be telling me about it.
33)If you roller-blade, I will probably ridicule you.
34)If you ridicule me, I will probably agree with you.
35)If I’m wrong, I will find ways to make you look stupid.
36)If you tell me you tried to commit suicide one time, I will ridicule you for being a pussy and a failure.
37)If you get mad at me for something I’ve already forgotten, you’re wasting your time.
38)If you drink soy milk in front of me, I will ridicule you for being pretentious/lactose intolerant.
39)If you shop at J. Crew, I will publicly denounce you as a heretic.
40)If you’re fat, don’t whine about it to me. It’s your fault, Tubby.
41)If you think I’m an asshole, go cry to someone else about how awful I am.
42)If you don’t know what you want, neither do I.
43)If you piss me off, I will tell everyone about that time you did that thing you hope nobody saw.
44)If you like Carlos Mencia, you are a tool.
45)If you are Carlos Mencia, I think you’re the devil. And a tool.
46)If you are Kelly, you’ve been warned.
47)If you’re foreign, I will ridicule you for being some other nationality.
48)If you’re Catholic, I see no need to ridicule you.
49)If you hated this list, I think you’re an idiot for reading this far.
50)If you have additions to this list, submit them to me. If I like them, I’ll add them and give you credit. If I don’t, I’ll still add them, only I’ll credit and then ridicule you for being stupid.
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