K W Schroeder's Articles

5 total in August 2007

  • People, You Just Can't Argue With Science.

    by K W Schroeder August 23, 2007

    Seriously, I'm not being racist...



    Okay, I'm not just being racist.

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  • Love Letter to Mary Jane by a Guy Who Slowly Realizes He's Writing a Love Letter to Kirsten Dunst

    by K W Schroeder August 22, 2007

    Dear Mary Jane,

    It's been a long time since I last saw you at the Spiderman 3 opening. You looked so different then, it was almost like you were a different person altogether. Still, you looked beautiful. My big question is: what's wrong with "Peter" (you know who)? He seemed so distant from you, and it made me angry to see you snubbed like that.

    I would never do that to you, Mary Jane.

    Remember the days when everybody fought over you? Brock, Peter, that little Chinese kid with the lopsided head... Everybody wanted a piece. But you were so coy, weren't you? Yep, you just brushed it all off and went about your merry way. I always respected you for that.

    The thing is, these days you're looking a little rough. Maybe it was the transition from comic to film that did it, I don't really know. Either way, what was once startling beauty is now kind of just... startling.

    Did you ever see the Mario Brothers movie? Remember the Goombas? Well, whenever you smile, I expect Dennis Hopper to appear out of nowhere and start giving you orders. I know it seems cruel of me to say that, and I'm sorry. But it's my love for you that makes me want to be totally honest with you about everything.

    Having said that, I also have to say that your once-perky breasts are beginning to seem a bit... pointy, I guess. Like in National Geographic, but not as tantalizing. And your face, well, let's just say you're looking an awful...

    lot...

    like...

    Oh fuck.

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  • Personal Messages from Your Ill-Advised Purchases

    by K W Schroeder August 05, 2007

    Hey there! Remember me? I’m the entire DVD collection of some obscure 90s TV show you bought because your friend said it was just so fucking funny! And remember when you got me home and popped in the first disc? Remember that? Remember that awful feeling you got when you realized that I’m not really funny at all? When you realized that, in fact, I may be the stupidest show to ever be on television? And that your friend must be a total moron just for suggesting you buy me? Remember?


    Yeah, that was awesome.



    Hey buddy. I’m that enormous box of penis-enlargement pills you spent sixty bucks on “just to see if they work.” Did I work? Did I make your penis any larger than it always was? Even if it was only a teensy little increase? Did I give you more confidence?


    Or did I give you a hard-on and a migraine at the same time? Did I make your poop turn an awesome greenish-blue color, or what?



    Yo, dawg. I’m the rap CD you bought around Christmas because your buddy said it wasn’t really “rappy”, but that it was “something new and different”. What did you find out when you first played me? Wasn’t I full of clever lyrics and interesting time signatures? Wasn’t I politically aware and intelligent?


    No, that’s right- I sounded like every other rap CD ever made at anytime, anywhere, ever.



    Hey there, Handsome. Remember me? You don’t? But I’m the pair of eighty-dollar skinny jeans you bought because you thought it might help you score with the hottie behind the counter who told you you’d look awesome in them. Damn you looked sexy in those jeans!


    Hold on, no, I remember now. You ended up catching your balls in the zipper when you tried to squeeze into them and had to ask the hot salesgirl to help you out of them. She and her other hot friend from American Eagle laughed at you when the EMT asked you why you were trying on jeans too small for you in the first place.


    Wasn't that awesome?
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  • A Letter to Lindsey Lohan, from Her Loofah

    by K W Schroeder August 01, 2007

    Dear Lindsey,


    Hey, there, what’s happening? Yeah, I just thought I’d drop you a little line to see how you’re doing these days. Seems like you’re doing pretty well, back on the ole party circuit again. I know how important that is to you, so I won’t take up too much of your time with this letter.


    So, since you’re doing so fine nowadays, I thought I’d let you in on a couple of concerns of my own. I’m not feeling so hot right now, if you haven’t noticed. I don’t really know what the problem is, and there shouldn’t really be a problem- I’m a loofah, for God’s sake! Bath accessories aren’t supposed to have bad days!


    I have to say, that one is way off.


    Put yourself in my shoes for a minute, Linds. Imagine spending your time scrubbing layers of semen, coke residue, and three-day-old lube off of some malnourished skank’s body. Can you imagine? Really? Okay, picture that, but instead of using your hands to scrub, you have to use your face! And the rest of your body! Can you even begin to imagine what that’s like?


    There’s another issue, too. The fact that I’m used to clean things doesn’t necessarily mean I stay clean all of the time. That’s right- you have to rinse me out every so often. At least do something other than leave me floating in a tub full of tepid skank stew for days at a time.


    One last thing, and then I’m done. I am a loofah, proud to be of service, and though I clean “those” parts, I am not intended for “that”. If you thought the scrubbing part was bad, imagine your very face being smashed vigorously into a spoiled pork roast for hours at a time. That’s what it’s like for me, Linds- like being smothered with rotten meat. I imagine that’s what it’s like for pretty much everyone who’s ever seen you naked, too.


    Anyway, that’s about it for me. I guess I’ll see you around. You know where to find me- I’ll be the spongy thing covered in three different kinds of pubes crying himself to sleep next to your tube of Valtrex.


    Sincerely,

    Your Loofah

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  • Totally True Facts That Don't Need Citations, Vol. II

    by K W Schroeder August 01, 2007

    1) Most things involving fingernails are bad for your eyes.

    2) Anal sex is in fact a safer alternative to smoking.

    3) In a study conducted in 2004, it was conclusively shown that no dogs have ever gone to heaven.

    4) Red-headed girls are immune to Herpes Simplex Type 2.

    5) A slight curve in your penis is readily remedied by a fierce, sudden bend in the opposite direction.

    6) The best way to cure a mysterious, potentially life-threatening illness is to ignore it.

    7) Or, alternately, to give it to someone else.

    8) Broccoli, like babies, does not re-hydrate easily.

    9) Legally speaking, it’s only “date rape” if you take her out to dinner first.

    10) After decades of exhaustive research, scientists have determined that it hurts to be kicked in the balls.

    11) God created modern fraternities for the sole purpose of disproving evolution theories.

    12) The only proven method of increasing penis size is lying about it.

    13) As a form of birth control, Kirsten Dunst is even more effective than abstinence.

    14) Masturbation burns calories; therefore, the addition of it to any other form of exercise can only be beneficial.

    15) After further testing, it appears that masturbating while doing a bench press is not beneficial to one’s health.

    16) Consuming large amounts of alcohol counteracts the negative physiological effects of illicit drugs.

    17) Apparently, the “ten second” rule does not apply to things dropped in a public restroom.

    18) “Fisting” is a potentially disappointing way to describe two women fighting.

    19) He’ll never truly respect you as an individual until you swallow.

    20) Of the two funny Jewish women who talk about sex, Dr. Ruth is only slightly less bangable than Mindy Raf.
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K W Schroeder
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