Ah, college girls. Is there anything sweeter that a red-blooded American male could ever hope for? We think not. What inexplicable scenarios that aren’t already dancing through our heads are spelled out for us in beautiful technicolor in movies, television, and magazines. Softcore cable porn teaches us that girls away at college are prone to wild, uninhibited bouts of pants-tightening eroticism. And those are the ones that live among normal society!
We haven’t even gotten to the girls who are all packed together in single-sex dorms like sexy, miniskirted sardines. When you cram a bunch of guys into a building together, they do what comes naturally: break things, fight, and pass gas. We can only assume that girls also do what comes naturally in a similar situation: walk around naked, bake cookies, and make sweet, sweet love.
The problem with assuming things like this solely because, well, it gets us through the night, is that they simply aren’t true. Here are five common misconceptions about the goings-on at all-female dorms. We apologize for all of your shattered hopes and dreams.
1) Communal Showers.
The Misconception: Tight, young, soaped bodies writing together in a steamy fog of flower scented mist. No scenario has been more appropriate for dirty masturbatory fodder than the communal shower at the girls’ dorm.
The Facts: They exist! But, sadly, they aren’t much different than your average locker room shower. Separate stalls, cold, bitchy girls gathering together in homely bathrobes outside the door, and shower shoes. Yes, shower shoes. That’s just not sexy.
2) Hot Roommate Love.
The Misconception: Attractive girls bunking together on those lonely, stormy nights that inevitably lead to experimentation and loss of innocence. What could be easier to misconstrue than this? You have all the perfect ingredients for what seems like a sure bet for some good old-fashioned girl-on-girl cram sessions.
The Facts: While certainly possible, this idea really isn’t all that appealing once you see the types of girls who typically stay in dorms at college. There are many, many hot females on any given normal college campus, but the majority of them are sorority sisters who don’t stay in the “poor-girl” dormitories. The ones left over who are likely to fulfill this fantasy are the same type of girls who experimented with lesbianism in high school: dumpy, melodramatic, self-described loners and their fat friends.
3) Wild Parties.
The Misconception: Oh sweet, merciful Jesus, is there anything more promising than going to a drunken rager thrown by hundreds of out-of-control college girls? The ones with boyfriends will already be filtered out, and the rest at the party are almost certainly looking to give it up to one lucky bastard. Who knows, maybe that bastard is you.
The Facts: No parties in the dorms. Well, let’s not be hasty- yes, there are parties at dorms sometimes, and yes, occasionally there are a few decent-looking women present. The thing is, every single dorm has a curfew, and none are more closely monitored than those containing nothing but chicks. Apparently there was a problem with certain asshole jocks using certain incapacitating chemicals on poor unsuspecting girls, and that ruined things for everybody. Thanks, dicks.
4) Clean Quarters.
The Misconception: That somehow two hundred girls living together in what amounts as the shittiest tenement apartment you could imagine could exist in a state other than “perpetual stinking squalor”. With so many middle-class females lurking about, it must be an olfactory oasis of bliss. Flowers, and spices, and, lest we forget, hot young women.
The Facts: Oddly, this is probably the most disturbing of all: the place fucking reeks. It’s a dorm, not some lonely lesbian cat lady’s one bedroom apartment, so what can you honestly expect? The smells there range from “week-old garbage” to a mix of burnt popcorn, microwaveable soy lattes, vegetarian pizza, and sweaty girl-pits. Top it all off with the heady aroma of those cloyingly sweet, timed air-fresheners, and you’ve got a recipe for extreme nausea.
5) Readily Available ‘Tang.
The Misconception: Finally we get down to the serious heart of the issue: the law of probabilities. Surely, with so many girls packed into one building, there has to be at least one of them that will sleep with you. You could probably show up drunk, at three a.m., covered in vomit, and still be able to chunk a rock in any direction and hit a random girl that would at least let you touch her boobies.
The Facts: While there most definitely is a good amount of poontang locked away in those lonely rooms, the simple truth is that hardly any of it is “readily available”. These girls are serious students, or freshmen, which generally translates into manspeak as, “No can touch booby? Wha?”
Remember: girls who live in dorms past their freshman year are usually scholarship students, which means that if they spend too much time touching your unwashed privates, and not enough time hitting the books, they’ll get kicked flat out on their asses. And, let’s face it, if you were worth that much, you wouldn’t have to go trolling collegedormitories looking for ass.
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