CollegeHumor: User 772140's Articles

Five Thanksgiving Meals that aren't Turkey

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 03:05:17 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> We know that there may be a few Thanksgiving purists out there who’ll cry “Sacrilege!” at the title of this article, and to those fascists we apologize. The thing about Thanksgiving is that every year we’re fed the same dry, grainy, grayish semi-bird meat, and we never really know why. Turkey is probably the worst meat you can eat when it’s not stuffed between two slices of Wonderbread and slathered with mayonnaise. It’s just terrible.

Realistically, there are better things a man can eat on Thanksgiving. Burger King, for instance. But we’re not advocating the use of heart-killing cholesterol. We just want everyone to know that, if it’s up to you, you don’t have to choke down another ounce of disgusting turkey this year. Here are five real dinners that rock, and don’t contain a single drop of turkey.

5) Chicken. Yes, we realize you could eat chicken any night of the week. We also know that you probably do. But the colonel’s secret recipe doesn’t hold a candle to some of the creative shit you can do with a chicken. You can slow-roast it in the oven and baste it with pork fat. You can cram peppers and garlic in its ass, wrap it in tin foil, and throw it on the barbecue pit. You can shred that shit and make chicken spaghetti. The list is endless, and you can never go wrong. It takes one hell of a moron to mess up a chicken dinner.

4) Ham. Hey, we know you probably already have ham on Thanksgiving, and that it gets demolished while the turkey just sits there getting drier and more full of hate. But what you’re forgetting is the versatility of ham. You could cook an entire ham-based meal and not have any one thing taste like any of the others. Just buy two hams, and get to work.

3) Duck. No, it’s not just for Christmas and it’s nowhere near as hard to deal with as turkey. A duck is about as hard to cook as Shannon Elizabeth is to get naked on camera. Basically, you just have to show up. Duck l’orange, roasted duck, and foie gras, or duck liver, which is a hell of a lot cheaper if you kill the duck yourself. If you have any qualms about killing a duck because you may have seen a cute little fuzzy duckling once upon a time, consider this: it isn't turkey.

2) Lamb. Hell. Fucking. Yes. You just can’t go wrong with a rack of lamb. It isn’t possible. Even for your soft-hearted girlfriend, one taste of this meat will turn her into an all-out carnivore. If you’re a dumbass who can’t figure out things like “serving cuts”, have a butcher do it for you. They’re sick bastards, those butchers. Also, bonus points for being able to quote Anthony Hopkins from Silence of the Lambs all throughout the day:

You: Won’t you tell me when the lambs stop screaming, Clarice?

1) Beef. Like you didn’t see this one coming. It’s as American as beef-filled apple pie at a baseball game played by Marlboro-smoking Texans. Like the ham, beef can be used in every cooking capacity known to man. You can even drink beef, apparently.

Think about this: turkey and dressing, or barbecued brisket with a top sirloin side, and beef tips over rice for dessert. Yeah, it really is that easy.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744932">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Enjoy Oral: An Asshole's Comprehensive Guide

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 02:31:39 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ah, sex. It's fun for everyone, am I right? Of course I am; I know about these things. Sex is a wonderful experience for at least one of the two-to-thirty people involved, so when it comes time to get busy, few of us turn down the opportunity. The people who do turn it down are obviously disturbed, since sex is the safest thing two people can do to one another without involving animal trainers. It just rocks.

Of course, there are other, ahem, "avenues" for the sex-enthusiast to—excuse me, ahem—go down. There are more than a (insert arbitrary number) different things you can do in bed without looking like an over-imaginative pervert; most people have even heard of these things. Of the countless variations of normal sex, none is so lauded as oral sex. For whatever reason, oral sex is probably the best feeling on Earth, next to winning the lottery, seeing your first-born child brought into the world, and winning the lottery again.

It is so wonderful, and yet so simple. Most of us have mastered the basic mechanics of oral sex before we have even learned to walk. That sounds much worse than I intended, but it's still accurate: all you have to do is—much like an infant child with his stewed apricots—go to town on that shit and don't use any teeth. It's really that simple, kiddos. The complicated part for some people is how to properly enjoy the experience without seeming insensitive or too self-involved. Of course, most of these people are men. Therefore, I have concocted this helpful guide to aid you insensitive assholes in the proper way to enjoy oral sex.

1)If You Ask For It, Ask Nicely. No one wants to hear "Slob on this meatcicle, you fat cockslut!" screamed into their face while they're trying to be intimate. Instead, use words like "please," "penis" and "cocklady" to persuade your adoring partner. Don't use hand gestures or Navy semaphore to try to get your point across; most women aren't male sailors, and they won't understand you. Don't jab your penis at them in a threatening manner or pseudo-fellate your own finger as a hint. A useful phrase that sounds more genteel than "Stop yammering and you put your face in my crotch" is "I think you're pretty. Please put your face in my crotch."

2)If It Happens, Don't Be A Jerk About It; Part One. It's obviously in poor taste to cheer and yell while a girl is going down on you, and this tastelessness is magnified if you do it in a derogatory manner. Don't put your hands behind your head and smirk like some retarded jigalo—no one can see you, and if she feels insulted, she might stop/bite. Brush her hair back with your hand, and let her know that she's doing a good job. But, and I can't stress this enough, don't say "You're doing a good job." That makes women feel like unpaid laborers, which when it comes to performing oral sex is only slightly above being a paid laborer.

3)When It's Go-Time, Announce! You might think, through some demented misinterpretation of a Penthouse Forum letter, that your semen is ambrosia worthy of marketing to the masses. It's not, by the way. Even if you happen to have to tastiest baby sauce on Earth—which is probably not something you should personally know—it's nonetheless bad practice to just shoot off into some unsuspecting girl's mouth without warning her. One bad side-effect of doing this is that she'll probably never go down on you again. The other is that it could possibly lead to projectile vomiting. It's good form to say something pleasant like "Okay", or "I'm gonna come soon", and not "Wheeeeee!" or "Take that, Mr. Uvula!"

4)If It Happens, Don't Be A Jerk About It; Part Two. Okay, so you've gotten the golden chalice, the holy grail, and you're proud of yourself. I understand that, and it's perfectly fine to feel that way. The thing to keep in mind is that although it might seem like good press to you, she might feel differently about you posting flyers concerning her knob-polishing prowess. Don't greet her in public with things like "Wow, I haven't seen you since the night you blew me!", or "I think you swallowed one of my vertebrae last time." I know you want to bring it up with her, but if you knew what was best, I wouldn't have written this handy guide. Trust me- just leave it alone.

Miscellaneous Uncategorized Advice

Don't fart when a girl is on or around your crotch, even if it doesn't make a sound. The silent ones will just lead her to believe that your genitals always smell like fermented ass.

Don't brag to your friends about it. She knows what size it is, and they probably have friends in common.

Keep the juice away from eyes, hair, clothing, and electrical outlets.

Telling your ex-girlfriend that your current girlfriend gives better head is actually an insult to both of them.

Don't smoke during oral sex. Either while receiving or, especially, while giving.

It's rude to play the drum solo from "Pipeline" on the top of her head. Avoid this if possible.

Don't look at the television, even if you think she's not looking.

No whistling. It's not as helpful as you think.

Code words for oral are sometimes advisable, so long as they're not crude or demeaning. "Personal attention" is preferable to "Time for steak and ice cream, baby!"

If she gags, don't laugh and say "Yeah, that always happens."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744606">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Five Things That Aren't Funny About Masturbation

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:50:01 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Sure, it's all well and good to laugh about honking the rubber chicken, but are you really sure you know what you're laughing about? How can you know for certain that what makes you chuckle about masturbating isn't going to lead to some poor chump's suicide later that day?

Some subjects are just too sensitive to be readily laughed at. Abortion, suicide, rape, child pornography- these are widely accepted as fair game for whatever Wildean quips you have at your disposal. However, only the most heartless of assholes would ridicule one of Man's most beloved pastimes.

Masturbation isn't all butterflies and rainbows. Unlike genocide and abuse of the elderly, there is a dark side to it. How many of you out there know the real truth about self-love? To avoid an unpleasant altercation with a man who takes his jerking off seriously, here are five things that really are not funny about masturbation.

�Chafing. For a man who may have gone a little too Bobby Brown with his John Thomas, there is nothing worse than waking up covered in cocoa butter, feathers, and someone else’s vomit, only to discover a painful scab on his penis. Not only is it excruciating, it's unsightly. What guy wants to walk around with a thumbnail-shaped bleeding wound on his dick?

And, on the off chance he can convince a person of the opposite sex to willingly get near his member, it's not exactly the easiest thing to explain. "No, it's not herpes. It's… My dog… No, I mean, well…" Realistically, what can he say? He beat himself so hard he actually broke the skin on his Johnson?

�Where to Aim. While this may seem like an odd problem, if you think about it, you'll understand. It's not called "cleaning the pipes" because it sounds funny; there's actually a reason. Preparation beforehand is often the key to a successful session, but even then, it's inconvenient at best. Like real sex with a real woman, slapping the cold cuts requires a certain mood.

And, like real sex with a real woman, hunting around for certain necessary implements (roommate’s shirt, towels, a spatula) is a sure-fire way to kill that mood. You can't just pinch off the floodgates when it's time to unleash the squishy fury; that hurts like a bastard. So what do you do? You either a) just try to catch it in your hand like some sort of third-world sperm bank employee, or b) let fly wherever you think a stain won't be noticed. Oh, and there will be a stain.

�Stains. There's nothing worse than popping off that necessary, stress-relieving Roman candle and rushing out the door, only to realize with growing horror than your nice black slacks have been streaked with some mysteriously shiny slime.No matter how far ahead you plan, there will always be a streak somewhere on your pants after an impromptu rubout. Additionally, there's little in this world more humiliating than having a woman visit your apartment for the first time and ask innocently, "Say, what are these brownish-yellow streaks all over this portrait of Gore Vidal?”

�Being Caught. This natural fear dates back as far as the very first time a man discovers his penis: someone walking in while he's taking care of business. Movies make light of this aspect, but it's not funny at all when, because of some rude asshole, you give yourself a case of blue balls. The intruder's identity is equally fearsome: mom, grandma, lady whose house you've broken into.

Even for a man living alone, the fear never entirely goes away. Even if you've moved away to a new city, taken a brand new identity, and changed everything about your appearance, you'll still lock the bathroom door when you yank it. Unless you happen to be a certain popular Canadian humoristwho just enjoys jerking off in front of gay construction workers, you'll always think about this first.

�Unpleasant Thoughts. Few men will ever discuss this topic in public. Only slightly more will discuss it with their friends. It's the horrifying invasion of your private thoughts by what I call the Faces of Guilt. It happens to everyone at least once in their masturbatorially-active lives.

There you are, you've got Carmen Electra or that chick from Mythbusters firmly planted in your mind. You're doing things to her in your imagination that you're neither equipped or flexible enough to do in real life, when suddenly, apropos of absolutely nothing, in pops that girl's gym teacher from junior high, the one with the hairy lip and funny eye. "Holy shit!" you scream out in your head. "I didn't just do that on purpose!" And, while that may be true, the fact remains that, if only for a few seconds of your life, you were yanking it to Miss Holstrom. Or worse, Grandma.

Not so funny now, is it?

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Common Misconceptions About All-Female Dormitories

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:22:17 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ah, college girls. Is there anything sweeter that a red-blooded American male could ever hope for? We think not. What inexplicable scenarios that aren’t already dancing through our heads are spelled out for us in beautiful technicolor in movies, television, and magazines. Softcore cable porn teaches us that girls away at college are prone to wild, uninhibited bouts of pants-tightening eroticism. And those are the ones that live among normal society!

We haven’t even gotten to the girls who are all packed together in single-sex dorms like sexy, miniskirted sardines. When you cram a bunch of guys into a building together, they do what comes naturally: break things, fight, and pass gas. We can only assume that girls also do what comes naturally in a similar situation: walk around naked, bake cookies, and make sweet, sweet love.

The problem with assuming things like this solely because, well, it gets us through the night, is that they simply aren’t true. Here are five common misconceptions about the goings-on at all-female dorms. We apologize for all of your shattered hopes and dreams.

1) Communal Showers.

The Misconception: Tight, young, soaped bodies writing together in a steamy fog of flower scented mist. No scenario has been more appropriate for dirty masturbatory fodder than the communal shower at the girls’ dorm.

The Facts: They exist! But, sadly, they aren’t much different than your average locker room shower. Separate stalls, cold, bitchy girls gathering together in homely bathrobes outside the door, and shower shoes. Yes, shower shoes. That’s just not sexy.

2) Hot Roommate Love.

The Misconception: Attractive girls bunking together on those lonely, stormy nights that inevitably lead to experimentation and loss of innocence. What could be easier to misconstrue than this? You have all the perfect ingredients for what seems like a sure bet for some good old-fashioned girl-on-girl cram sessions.

The Facts: While certainly possible, this idea really isn’t all that appealing once you see the types of girls who typically stay in dorms at college. There are many, many hot females on any given normal college campus, but the majority of them are sorority sisters who don’t stay in the “poor-girl” dormitories. The ones left over who are likely to fulfill this fantasy are the same type of girls who experimented with lesbianism in high school: dumpy, melodramatic, self-described loners and their fat friends.

3) Wild Parties.

The Misconception: Oh sweet, merciful Jesus, is there anything more promising than going to a drunken rager thrown by hundreds of out-of-control college girls? The ones with boyfriends will already be filtered out, and the rest at the party are almost certainly looking to give it up to one lucky bastard. Who knows, maybe that bastard is you.

The Facts: No parties in the dorms. Well, let’s not be hasty- yes, there are parties at dorms sometimes, and yes, occasionally there are a few decent-looking women present. The thing is, every single dorm has a curfew, and none are more closely monitored than those containing nothing but chicks. Apparently there was a problem with certain asshole jocks using certain incapacitating chemicals on poor unsuspecting girls, and that ruined things for everybody. Thanks, dicks.

4) Clean Quarters.

The Misconception: That somehow two hundred girls living together in what amounts as the shittiest tenement apartment you could imagine could exist in a state other than “perpetual stinking squalor”. With so many middle-class females lurking about, it must be an olfactory oasis of bliss. Flowers, and spices, and, lest we forget, hot young women.

The Facts: Oddly, this is probably the most disturbing of all: the place fucking reeks. It’s a dorm, not some lonely lesbian cat lady’s one bedroom apartment, so what can you honestly expect? The smells there range from “week-old garbage” to a mix of burnt popcorn, microwaveable soy lattes, vegetarian pizza, and sweaty girl-pits. Top it all off with the heady aroma of those cloyingly sweet, timed air-fresheners, and you’ve got a recipe for extreme nausea.

5) Readily Available ‘Tang.

The Misconception: Finally we get down to the serious heart of the issue: the law of probabilities. Surely, with so many girls packed into one building, there has to be at least one of them that will sleep with you. You could probably show up drunk, at three a.m., covered in vomit, and still be able to chunk a rock in any direction and hit a random girl that would at least let you touch her boobies.

The Facts: While there most definitely is a good amount of poontang locked away in those lonely rooms, the simple truth is that hardly any of it is “readily available”. These girls are serious students, or freshmen, which generally translates into manspeak as, “No can touch booby? Wha?”

Remember: girls who live in dorms past their freshman year are usually scholarship students, which means that if they spend too much time touching your unwashed privates, and not enough time hitting the books, they’ll get kicked flat out on their asses. And, let’s face it, if you were worth that much, you wouldn’t have to go trolling collegedormitories looking for ass.

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How To Bullshit Your Way Through Any Essay

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 18:19:10 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> If there is one thing college kids neglect the most, besides basic diet and hygiene, it’s the homework assignment essay. Hastily written and utterly unedited the night before it’s due, the modern essay has become something of a nightmare for lackadaisical college students. But writing an essay that seems like it was written by someone with more than a double-digit IQ is not nearly as difficult as it seems, I assure you.

Even the laziest Guitar Hero II god can whiz through an essay that reads like it was written by F. Scott Motherfucking Fitzgerald. What seems difficult and scary is actually as simple and accessible as you can want. All you really have to do is half-ass it. Unless you actually want to spend valuable time researching and penning a paper that’s only going to be skimmed over by some asshole assistant professor, you can follow these five simple steps on how to bullshit your merry way through any essay.

1)The introductory paragraph. Now, don’t panic about this simply because you think it’s the first thing you have to write. It isn’t. You can write an entire paper and come back to this at the end, copying and pasting sentences you’ve already written, and rewording them slightly to make it seem as if you’re a genius who planned the entire essay in your head well before you wrote it. We’ll know the truth, but the assistant prof won’t know the difference. Fuck him.

2)The thesis. I always laugh when I hear people complain about not being able to write a thesis. It couldn’t be simpler—you just make an argument that will be easy to support. That’s it. There’s no complicated formula for figuring out how to argue a thesis. You just think of something to say, and stick with it. Writing the thesis in a formal way is even easier than this, in that you don’t even have to say anything original or intelligent. These three magical words will make even the weakest thesis seem like an argument from God Himself: “I submit that”. Ka-pow! It’s not too forceful and no too weak. It strikes just the right humble, self-assured note,and doesn’t take any brainpower to alter slightly as needed. Example: “I submit that marijuana should be legalized because…” Simple.

3)Topic sentences. Jesus Christ, I can’t think of anything easier than topic sentences. Think of them as miniature theses that don’t matter as much as the original. All you have to do is reference what you’re preparing to write about. It’s like a half-ass title for your paragraph in that you don’t even really have to say anything factual. There are ways to avoid this little pitfall, like using words or phrases that are inherently meaningless—“statistically”, or “According to X expert on the subject”. Sometimes you can be clever with the topic sentence and say things like, “Theoretically, date rape is only a bad thing if she knows about it.” Then you write four or five sentences supporting this topic sentence. Get it? You didn’t say fucking anything, but it still seems as if you put an awful lot of thought into it.

4)In-text quotes and citations. This is where the true bullshit artist in everyone comes out. If you’re running low on things to say, or if House is coming on, you can just throw in a few quotes from various people that you may or may not have made up on the spot. As long as you have a legitimate source of these “ghost quotes”, you can pretty much say whatever the hell you feel like. This is especially useful if you’ve chosen a thesis that’s the dumbest fucking thing anyone has ever read—you lead them in thinking that they’re reading a load of nonsense, and then BAM! You nail them with a quote by some expert on the subject that perfectly mirrors your thesis. Everybody hates to be wrong, though, so you’ll have to get clever with it and not use famous names. Don’t make any names up, either, because one single click on Google can fuck your shit right on up.

5)The conclusion. This is where you set the essay on coast and just drift on through until the end. Sure, it’s the end of the paper and the part that people are most likely to remember, but so what? What’s so vital about it? You’ve already written your conclusion, son! I wouldn’t lie to you. Just look at your thesis—it’s all right there. Just reword it slightly, copy and paste a few of your less-stupid passages, and that’s fucking IT.

Slap some page numbers on that bitch and load a bowl--your essay is done.

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Two Guys Discussing Politics (while one of them turns into a zombie)

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 16:58:34 -0400

Guy 1: I guess my main problem with Obama is that no one really knows him, you know?
Guy 2: I see your point, but I think you’re forgetting that no one really ‘knew’ Lincoln, either.

Guy 1: How does Lincoln have anything to do with it? Those were the days when it still took months for people to send letters to their families. Today, it’s like- BAM. ‘Hey, Mom and Dad, what’s the haps?’

Guy 2: I don’t follow.

Guy 1: Well, I mean that information is everywhere today, in the blink of an eye, and… Are- are you seriously just going to chew on your finger like that while I’m talking?

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People, You Just Can't Argue With Science.

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 03:36:37 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Seriously, I'm not being racist...

Okay, I'm not just being racist.

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Love Letter to Mary Jane by a Guy Who Slowly Realizes He's Writing a Love Letter to Kirsten Dunst

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 03:53:13 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Mary Jane,

It's been a long time since I last saw you at the Spiderman 3 opening. You looked so different then, it was almost like you were a different person altogether. Still, you looked beautiful. My big question is: what's wrong with "Peter" (you know who)? He seemed so distant from you, and it made me angry to see you snubbed like that.

I would never do that to you, Mary Jane.

Remember the days when everybody fought over you? Brock, Peter, that little Chinese kid with the lopsided head... Everybody wanted a piece. But you were so coy, weren't you? Yep, you just brushed it all off and went about your merry way. I always respected you for that.

The thing is, these days you're looking a little rough. Maybe it was the transition from comic to film that did it, I don't really know. Either way, what was once startling beauty is now kind of just... startling.

Did you ever see the Mario Brothers movie? Remember the Goombas? Well, whenever you smile, I expect Dennis Hopper to appear out of nowhere and start giving you orders. I know it seems cruel of me to say that, and I'm sorry. But it's my love for you that makes me want to be totally honest with you about everything.

Having said that, I also have to say that your once-perky breasts are beginning to seem a bit... pointy, I guess. Like in National Geographic, but not as tantalizing. And your face, well, let's just say you're looking an awful...

lot...

like...

Oh fuck.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739070">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Personal Messages from Your Ill-Advised Purchases

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 15:11:23 -0400

Hey there! Remember me? I’m the entire DVD collection of some obscure 90s TV show you bought because your friend said it was just so fucking funny! And remember when you got me home and popped in the first disc? Remember that? Remember that awful feeling you got when you realized that I’m not really funny at all? When you realized that, in fact, I may be the stupidest show to ever be on television? And that your friend must be a total moron just for suggesting you buy me? Remember?

Yeah, that was awesome.

Hey buddy. I’m that enormous box of penis-enlargement pills you spent sixty bucks on “just to see if they work.” Did I work? Did I make your penis any larger than it always was? Even if it was only a teensy little increase? Did I give you more confidence?

Or did I give you a hard-on and a migraine at the same time? Did I make your poop turn an awesome greenish-blue color, or what?

Yo, dawg. I’m the rap CD you bought around Christmas because your buddy said it wasn’t really “rappy”, but that it was “something new and different”. What did you find out when you first played me? Wasn’t I full of clever lyrics and interesting time signatures? Wasn’t I politically aware and intelligent?

No, that’s right- I sounded like every other rap CD ever made at anytime, anywhere, ever.

Hey there, Handsome. Remember me? You don’t? But I’m the pair of eighty-dollar skinny jeans you bought because you thought it might help you score with the hottie behind the counter who told you you’d look awesome in them. Damn you looked sexy in those jeans!

Hold on, no, I remember now. You ended up catching your balls in the zipper when you tried to squeeze into them and had to ask the hot salesgirl to help you out of them. She and her other hot friend from American Eagle laughed at you when the EMT asked you why you were trying on jeans too small for you in the first place.

Wasn't that awesome?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737819">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Letter to Lindsey Lohan, from Her Loofah

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 20:43:48 -0400

Dear Lindsey,

Hey, there, what’s happening? Yeah, I just thought I’d drop you a little line to see how you’re doing these days. Seems like you’re doing pretty well, back on the ole party circuit again. I know how important that is to you, so I won’t take up too much of your time with this letter.

So, since you’re doing so fine nowadays, I thought I’d let you in on a couple of concerns of my own. I’m not feeling so hot right now, if you haven’t noticed. I don’t really know what the problem is, and there shouldn’t really be a problem- I’m a loofah, for God’s sake! Bath accessories aren’t supposed to have bad days!

I have to say, that one is way off.

Put yourself in my shoes for a minute, Linds. Imagine spending your time scrubbing layers of semen, coke residue, and three-day-old lube off of some malnourished skank’s body. Can you imagine? Really? Okay, picture that, but instead of using your hands to scrub, you have to use your face! And the rest of your body! Can you even begin to imagine what that’s like?

There’s another issue, too. The fact that I’m used to clean things doesn’t necessarily mean I stay clean all of the time. That’s right- you have to rinse me out every so often. At least do something other than leave me floating in a tub full of tepid skank stew for days at a time.

One last thing, and then I’m done. I am a loofah, proud to be of service, and though I clean “those” parts, I am not intended for “that”. If you thought the scrubbing part was bad, imagine your very face being smashed vigorously into a spoiled pork roast for hours at a time. That’s what it’s like for me, Linds- like being smothered with rotten meat. I imagine that’s what it’s like for pretty much everyone who’s ever seen you naked, too.

Anyway, that’s about it for me. I guess I’ll see you around. You know where to find me- I’ll be the spongy thing covered in three different kinds of pubes crying himself to sleep next to your tube of Valtrex.

Sincerely,

Your Loofah

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737593">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Totally True Facts That Don't Need Citations, Vol. II

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 18:39:34 -0400

1) Most things involving fingernails are bad for your eyes.

2) Anal sex is in fact a safer alternative to smoking.

3) In a study conducted in 2004, it was conclusively shown that no dogs have ever gone to heaven.

4) Red-headed girls are immune to Herpes Simplex Type 2.

5) A slight curve in your penis is readily remedied by a fierce, sudden bend in the opposite direction.

6) The best way to cure a mysterious, potentially life-threatening illness is to ignore it.

7) Or, alternately, to give it to someone else.

8) Broccoli, like babies, does not re-hydrate easily.

9) Legally speaking, it’s only “date rape” if you take her out to dinner first.

10) After decades of exhaustive research, scientists have determined that it hurts to be kicked in the balls.

11) God created modern fraternities for the sole purpose of disproving evolution theories.

12) The only proven method of increasing penis size is lying about it.

13) As a form of birth control, Kirsten Dunst is even more effective than abstinence.

14) Masturbation burns calories; therefore, the addition of it to any other form of exercise can only be beneficial.

15) After further testing, it appears that masturbating while doing a bench press is not beneficial to one’s health.

16) Consuming large amounts of alcohol counteracts the negative physiological effects of illicit drugs.

17) Apparently, the “ten second” rule does not apply to things dropped in a public restroom.

18) “Fisting” is a potentially disappointing way to describe two women fighting.

19) He’ll never truly respect you as an individual until you swallow.

20) Of the two funny Jewish women who talk about sex, Dr. Ruth is only slightly less bangable than Mindy Raf.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737584">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ten Easy Steps to Romantic Bliss

Tue, 08 May 2007 18:26:45 -0400

(or: How to Sleep with a Girl Despite a Total Lack of Social Graces)

�

�For some of us, love comes easy. It can happen at the mall, the bookstore, or at Jimmy’s house when you were totally trying to hook up with her hotter friend. Either way, not everyone has romance problems. For those of us who do, here’s a few pointers on how to bag the perfect girl.

�

�Failing that, here’s a few pointers on how to bag any girl who will have you.

�

1)Find a target. Seeking out romance without a proper subject is like masturbating to the cigarette ads on the back of Penthouse; you know it’s in there somewhere, but damned if I know how to finish this analogy.

2)Befriend one of her friends. Preferably, one should only make nice with the ugly/stupid girl in your target’s entourage. That way, any drama or resulting backlash from your obvious disinterest can be blamed on the fact that she’s ugly/stupid.

3)Reconnoiter. Yes, you have to be like Solid Snake on this one. Wait, scratch that- you have to BE Solid Snake. Become that motherfucker. You’ve got to know where the enemy is, where the rations are hiding, and what kind of music your target listens to. Also, be well-versed in hand-to-hand combat and the use of a wide array of assault weapons. Couldn’t hurt.

4)Fit yourself to her preferences. I don’t care if your only passion is live-action RPGs. No seriously- I don’t care, so stop talking about it. Look, do want to score some ass or what? Then quit being a douche, put down the ten-sided dice and listen up. Jesus.

5)Wear pink. Chicks dig guys comfortable enough with their sexuality to wear pink, so go out and get a whole new wardrobe’s worth of pink shirts. Dude, I’m just kidding. How could you fall for that? I mean, you’ve spent the last nineteen years in your parents’ basement playing D&D and obviously not washing your face. Nothing could possibly make you look any worse than pink clothes. Except, well, for natural light.

6)Start rumors about yourself. By this I don’t mean go out and spread obviously untrue stories about your heroism and studliness. Go for subtlety; you were maybe, possibly, in jail once. You might have beaten someone to death with a bicycle chain. You could, or so everyone’s heard, be packing around ten fat inches of nerd-steak. What? Who cares if she finds out you don’t? Look, if she’s gotten that far…

7)Read something she’s heard of. Before you think I’m asking you to trade in Thucydides for Cosmo, listen for a minute: chicks read, too. Yeah, turns out that the ones worth talking to are also the ones who scribble liner notes in War and Peace. The thing is, you can’t constantly read about guy stuff. Pick up some Frank McCourt, and for God’s sake be seen reading it. He doesn’t suck and you’ll look like you have a heart.

8)Whatever you do, don’t be a pussy about it. From lacrosse jocks to particle physics grad students, one thing sets some guys apart from others: confidence. Yes, I know some girls like shyness. That’s not what we’re talking about. Shyness and being a pussy are two totally different things. Unless you’re a shy pussy.

9)Make your presence known. I realize that some girls don’t like guys who draw attention to themselves, but let’s face it: if you were all that captivating, you wouldn’t need my advice to get chicks.

10) If all else fails, you’ve got a brain tumor. Don’t look at me like that. I know it’s dishonest, but what can you do? A little subterfuge can go a long way with some girls. Don’t get all moral with me, you acne-riddled, pink-shirt-wearing, shy, pale-faced pussy. You’re fucking pathetic! Do you hear me? PATHETIC! So yeah- brain tumor, six months to live, huge nerd-penis.

�

You’re welcome.

View Article

A Chat-Room Conversation Between Tom Wolfe and Stephen King

Tue, 08 May 2007 15:52:08 -0400

SK: Because there, in that moment, he knew his life was over.

�

TW: …and he said, ‘Cool, baby, I gots what ya need.’

�

SK: His knuckles bulged white against the steering wheel…

�

TW: (satirical but grossly inaccurate ethnic slang)

�

SK: (serious but accidentally humorous murder/sex scene)

�

**Gore Vidal has entered the conversation**

�

Gore Vidal: …and Henry James, with his mellifluous tenor’s voice, said to his greatest of friends, who sat, sweating but cheerful, among the Summer’s rays…

�

TW: Get out of here, Gore.

�

GV: But, I just thought…

�

SK: No, dude. Just, no.

�

GV: But I’m…

�

TW: A douche?

�

SK: lol!

�

GV: Fuck you guys!

�

SK: Aww… Don’t be sad, douche.

�

TW: LMFAO

�

**Gore Vidal has left the conversation**

�

SK: What a fag.

�

TW: Seriously.

�

SK: Anyway, a retarded kid, an alien clown and a psychic dog.

�

TW: What? Wasn’t that Dean Koontz?

�

SK: Hey, you’re right! Whoops.

�

TW: Don’t worry, it’s cool.

�

SK: Has that ever happened to you?

�

TW: What, confusing my stories with that of a lesser yet eerily similar author?

�

SK: Yeah.

�

TW: No.

�

**Stephen King has left the conversation**

�

TW: Douche.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730146">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Practical Uses for Small Dogs

Mon, 07 May 2007 22:03:02 -0400

�Small breeds of dogs, while cute, serve absolutely no practically applicable purpose. They stand only as tiny, howling burdens which are too fragile to bat around with a tennis racket when they leave you “presents” under your computer chair, in your closet, and occasionally in your flip-flops.

�I now present to you several very sensible ways to put little Binky to good use. You can thank me later, or you can swear at me because your girlfriend dumped you for being mean to her dog. Either way.

�

Door-stop. It may be too small to sic on your neighbor’s kids, but damned if it isn’t just the right weight to keep the kitchen door open while you’re hauling in the kegs for tomorrow’s festivities.

�

Head rest. Pillows will usually suffice to support your aching neck and head, but what if you require something more from your pillow? What if your poor cricked neck needs soothing heat as well? Well, isn’t little Zeus just about the perfect size and contour to stuff behind your head as you watch Sports Center? Yeah, I thought so.

�

Sled dogs. Okay, maybe not a full-sized sled that can�drag you and your perilously ill Indian companion across the frozen tundra, but definitely a sled with something on it. Maybe beer, or other small dogs. With enough small dogs strapped to a little red wagon, why, you could pull almost anything! Except for Squancho, who will probably die in those very last moments right as you reach the outpost, but not before imparting some invaluable nugget of native wisdom. God bless you, Squancho.

�

A more convenient remote control. I know it sounds impossible, and it is. You can’t change stations with a dog, no matter how hard you mash the buttons you glued to it. However, you can buy those little tacky Velcro strips to paste onto the remote and the dog, thereby inventing a remote that you can call to you when you’re too drunk/lazy/masturbating to get up and fetch it yourself. But remember, small dogs are pretty weak, so maybe you shouldn’t strap a sled and a gigantic universal remote to it at the same time. Just a heads up.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730049">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Oral Q & A: Everything You Ever Wanted to Ask a Straight Guy About Oral Sex, But Were Too Afraid/Uninterested to Ask

Mon, 07 May 2007 02:18:47 -0400

Q: Why does my boyfriend always want me to give him a b. j.?

�

A: Because he loves you more than anything and can’t find ways to express himself with words, so he lets you slob on it for a while.

�

Q: My boyfriend hates to go down on me, but I really love it. How should I bring it up without seeming needy?

�

A: Go down on him.

�

Q: How do I give the perfect b. j.?

�

A: Every guy’s preferences are different, but there is one universal rule: give a beej with no teeth, no talking, and with your hot friend watching.

�

Q: Why do guys always want me to swallow?

�

A: So they’ll respect you more for your cleanliness.

�

Q: I got my tongue pierced so I could give better head. Why does my boyfriend not like it?

�

A: I don’t know. It could be that you’re doing it wrong. It could also be that your boyfriend is an MRI machine.

�

Q: My boyfriend has a small penis, and I have big hands. How can I go down on him without making him feel inadequate?

�

A: He he… Sorry. (snicker)

�

Q: I really want to try deep-throating, but I have a sensitive gag reflex. How can I do this without gagging so much?

�

A: You could try eating some Orajel, as long as you rinse your mouth out before proceeding with the festivities. Failing that, you can always find the last girl’s boyfriend. (snicker)

�

View Article

A Series of Emails from Britney Spears' Ghostwriter Concerning Her Upcoming Book

Fri, 04 May 2007 17:02:03 -0400

Dear Ms. Spears,
��
I just finished speaking with your literary agent, and I am very excited to assist you with writing your tell-all! I’ve been a fan for many years and I keep up with you in the papers, so I sympathize with the way you’ve been treated by the media and your husband. As an experienced ghostwriter, I can tell you that we should have no problems developing your own “style” that will seem completely original.

It’s sometimes very important to have a professional around to guide things along and keep them clean and crisp. George Carlin decided to go it alone, and look at his awful excuse for a book! Seriously though, I think that you and I could create a wonderful and exciting book together. I’ll get started right away, since I have most of the resources at hand, then I’ll send you a rough draft of what I have. Feel free to make adjustments and suggestions at will, it’s your story!

Thank You,

David M. Gallagher

�

Dear Ms. Spears,
��
Just a short note to tell you that I just received your first edit of the manuscript today. I’ll be going over it with a fine-tooth comb very soon. I’m very curious to see what changes you have made!

�

Thanks,

DM Gallagher

�

Dear Ms. Spears,

��
I’m kind of at a loss of words right now. After having read your editorial suggestions, I find it hard to believe that this came from you. Perhaps you were in a hurry, but so far I’ve counted seventy-eight misspellings of “Britney”, and a sentence constructed entirely of the word "princess" written nine times. Also, one thing we should talk about is how many times you use the phrase "ya'll." I mean, you're not Tom Wolfe- LOL. Oh also, I looked into it, there is no font face that will dot an “i” with a heart or smiley-face. Sorry!

One more thing, I apologize but I refuse, owing to my ethics and personal beliefs, to call anyone a “doody-head” in publication. Especially Justin Timberlake, who, while small and lithe, is known for his propensity for drunken violence.

I will revise my first draft and send it along once completed. In the meantime, I suggest you peruse the following books: Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, the Modern Language Association’s Style Handbook, and possibly Where the Sidewalk Ends for an idea of how to properly construct childish poems.

�

Sincerely,

David Gallagher

�

Dear Ms. Spears,

��
I received your second edit of the manuscript today. If you have waited for very long for me to write this letter, I apologize. After spending hundreds of hours on each revision, and then having them sent back slashed and gouged with crayons and marked with symbols which I assume are words, I have taken to drowning my sorrows in alcohol. It had been twelve years since I had a drop, twelve long years, and in a day I was drunk again. This must be how Hemingway felt toward the end, desolate, alone, angry at the world. And now I'm comparing myself to Hemmingway, I must be drunk.

I thought for a moment that you were joking about Tom Wolfe. I thought surely they taught you literature in the swampy schools of Louisiana, but I must have been mistaken. Tom Wolfe has never in any way been associated with Star magazine. Or Sesame Street. To say that makes me, an author of far less literary prowess than he, want to crawl under something and die. This is the final revision of your book that I will write. Please do not force me to read another. My heart cannot take it.

�

D Gallagher

Dear Ms. Spears,

��
This is Harlan Adams, executor of Mr. Gallagher’s estate. As you know, Mr. Gallagher was in the midst of helping you with your tell-all book. Since there is no way he can finish the book now, you do not have to compensate him for the completed project. However, the hours he did bill you before his demise should be made payable to his wife, who is going to be raising David's three children.

�

Thank You and Good Day,

Harlan S. Adams, Esq.

View Article

To the Modern American Male: A Warning Concerning Jocularity

Thu, 03 May 2007 05:57:41 -0400

�

�If you find yourself unable to control the never-ending river of racist/politically incorrect one-liners that come out of your mouth, fear not, for I am here to help. Self-control and decorum are for the weak, so a certain degree of tact is necessary in order to avoid making a scene or being mercilessly gang-stomped. Below are several of the most prominent and sensitive butts of the most common jokes, and the hows and whys of avoiding them. For your consideration, I present to you:

�

Bad Times To Tell Jokes About…

�

Women's Lib

�

Most Dangerous Locales: Abortion Clinics/Birkenstock and Flannel sales

�

When: Any time.

�

Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because they will eat your soul, and possibly the rest of you, but only after removing your scrotum with the edge of a Bic lighter.

�

How to Avoid: Stop, look around, and ask yourself, “Are any of these women attractive/not hairy?” If there is an unsafe ratio, or an almost utter lack of bras, flee the scene.

�

Black People

�

Most Dangerous Locales: Churches with more than three lowered Escalades parked outside/Anywhere else

�

When: The warmer days of the year.

�

Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because they will, when angered, resort to righteous tirades on social injustice. Or they’ll beat you to death while making fun of your genitals.

�

How to Avoid: Only go outside when it’s very cold, or don’t go outside at all.

�

Gay People

�

Most Dangerous Locales: Nightclubs with aquatic or tool-related names/The gym

�

When: Year-round, although generally at night.

�

Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because gay men have hot female friends, work out constantly, and wrestle each other as part of their sexual congress. They are more than equipped to kick the crap out of your pudgy, short-winded ass. Failing that, they’ll just tell Kimberly and Bridget how small your package is in your gym shorts.

�

How to Avoid: Do exactly what God intended: stay at home, eat fried foods, only date women you meet at AA, and wear mismatched patterns.

�

Mentally-Disabled People

�

Most Dangerous Locales: McDonalds/Public libraries

�

When: Early afternoon, when tard school typically lets out for the day.

�

Why You Should Keep Your Damn Mouth Shut: Because there is nothing more embarrassing than being mauled to death by eight screaming, short-fingered mongoloids in front of their hot teacher. Retards are surprisingly strong and resilient. Plus, it’s only slightly less embarrassing to win a fight with one than to lose.

�

How to Avoid: You see that insanely gorgeous girl talking with the helmet-and-velcro-shoe-wearing thirty-year-old? Yeah, don’t go in there.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729547">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Gracious Tips for Further Success: Carlos Mencia and Joe Rogan

Wed, 02 May 2007 19:24:01 -0400

�Dear Misters Rogan and Mencia,

�

�It has become apparent in these past weeks that the two of you are not getting along very well. Why, I wonder to myself, are two of America’s foremost practitioners of biting social commentary and searing political satire fighting amongst themselves like two rabid ferrets? Don’t you realize that without you, we would be nothing? America would never smile again if your respective styles were pushed aside to make more room for your awful, intellectually-superior debates.

�

�For your consideration, I have written two lists of suggestions for the both of you. With any luck, you will be back in action, and away from each other’s throats, in a matter of minutes. I have been a fan for years, of the two of you, and I would hate to see such brilliance wasted on a childish feud.

�

Thank You,

A Concerned Fan

�

To Mr. Mencia:

�

1)Stop speaking.

2)Mexicans don’t sound like an eight-year-old’s impression of a drunk Frenchman.

3)No person on Earth is retarded enough to say “Dee-De-Dee”. Even retarded people attempt to say real words.

4)Except for you.

5)Bill Cosby is not funny.

6)Don’t steal from unfunny comedians.

7)Having a catchphrase does not make you popular, inventive, or funny. People still say “Git-R-Done”.

8)Every moment you perform makes Lenny Bruce’s corpse do a ninety-degree rotation.

9)God hates you.

10)So does everyone else.

�

To Mr. Rogan:

�

1)You’re a comedian?

2)Really? Since when?

3)Seriously, though. A real comedian?

4)Making fun of Mr. Mencia does not make you “edgy”. Everyone makes fun of him.

5)Just because the UFC jocks laugh at it doesn’t make it a funny joke. Those guys laugh at bright colors and loud noises.

6)…And also at Mind of Mencia.

7)“Shiny Happy Jihad” is a stupid name for a comedy CD.

8)Oh, it isn’t a comedy CD? Okay, then I guess it’s alright.

9)Henry Rollins is better at what you do than you are, and he doesn’t call himself a comedian.

10)Therefore: you’re not one.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729491">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Gracious Tips for Further Success: Fall Out Boy

Wed, 02 May 2007 02:33:54 -0400

�

�Dear Fall Out Boy,

�

�You’ve been on the music scene for a while and seem to be doing pretty well for yourselves. Many kudos, my friends. However, I feel that, like many bands, you lack a certain gloss that is requisite in prolonged success in the mainstream music community. Below, I have listed a few things which you must consider to enjoy a long, illustrious career as one of America’s most brilliant musical�acts.

�

�Thank you,

�A Concerned�Fan

�

�� What You Must Do:

�

1)Die.

2)Die in a fire.

3)Fuck off and die.

4)Eat shit and die.

5)Take a long walk off a short pier.

6)Go fuck yourselves.

7)Get fucked.

8)Fuck you.

9)(see suggestion #1)

10)Stop wearing manliner.

View Article

The G-Rated Booty Call

Tue, 01 May 2007 05:40:10 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> �Two teacher’s assistants at a local preschool find themselves attracted to one another. Although well into adulthood, they are at a loss when it comes to the intricacies of hooking up. Constant exposure to small children and family-oriented entertainment has left them able to express themselves only through the vaguest of mild euphemisms. This is their story…

�

Kevin: Hi, is this Shelly?

�

Shelly: Um, yes. Who’s calling?

K: This is Kevin, you know, from the daycare?

�

S: Oh, hi! How are you?

�

K: Fine, fine. I was calling because, well, I was kind of wondering…

�

S: Yeah?

�

K: Well, you know, if you would like to get together some time.

�

S: Sure. For what?

�

K: Um, you know, the “play-date” we talked about, for our “little ones”?

�

S: Oh, right! Sure, sure. I understand now. The “play-date”.

�

K: When would you like to get together?

�

S: Hold on, mister. We don’t even know if our “kids” like each other yet!

�

K: Um, okay. How will we know?

�

S: Well, what does yours like to do?

�

K: …

�

S: Kevin?

�

K: Yeah, um, well… He likes to get up early in the morning.

�

S: Okay, what else?

K: He likes to rough-house and play around.

�

S: I see.

�

K: So, what does your “little one” like to do?

�

S: I, um, she likes to just kind of hang out. You know, she’s kind of a homebody.

�

K: So no outdoorsy stuff? Dirt-biking, maybe?

�

S: Well, she’s not averse to it, but…

�

K: It’s okay, my little guy just kind of hangs around most of the time too.

�

S: Good then, we’ll have to get ‘em together!

�

K: What about swimming?

�

S: What?

�

K: You know, go for a dip?

�

S: Um… Isn’t that a little unsafe?

�

K: Well, I mean, we’d have to get flotation stuff. You know, life-jackets and flippers and all that.

�

S: Flippers?

�

K: Well, you know, for later on when they’ve advanced a little.

�

S: Right, I guess that would be okay.

�

K: Alright! So when should we get together?

�

S: Maybe this weekend would be good, she’s got stuff to do this week, ballet and all that.

�

K: Um… Okay. Sounds good, I guess.

�

S: I’ll see you Saturday then?

�

K: Sure. One thing…

�

S: Yeah?

�

K: We are talking about fucking, right?

�

S: …

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729317">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />