Allison's Articles

About two years ago I read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" and thought it was a hilarious piece of self-help literature.  Sure, it was marketed as this fruity chick book that will tell you how fabulous you are inside even if you are an ever-loving cow on the outside but it was actually a pretty clever and terse description of the warning signs of a relationship dud.  The overall message of the book was brilliant: If you actually have to analyze and over-analyze whether he is into you, he's just not that into you.

In the spirit of relationship analysis, here is a version for you boys: You're probably not getting any.  It is short and sweet and doesn't involve the huge commitment of reading a book. 

1. If you send her a text message and it takes her more than an hour to text back, you're probably not getting any.

Explanation: When a girl really likes you, she looks forward to shit like this.  Text messages, emails, myspace messages, it doesn't matter.  A little more time can be given for emails and myspace messages but the text message is a different story. She will be texting you back almost immediately if she wants some and don't buy that "I can't afford any more text messaging" excuse.  If she wants to give you some she will be thinking of a response before she reads your whole message.

2. If you ask for her number but she wants you to give her yours instead, you're probably not getting any.

Explanation: She wants the power to call you if she gets desperate.  She thinks you might be one of those guys that calls non-stop for days without getting the hint and she wants to make sure that doesn't happen. 

3. If you invite her over to watch a movie and she says that she can't because tonight is a "girl's night", you're probably not getting any.

Explanation: We will ditch our girlfriends in a heartbeat if we want you.  Those bitches can go on hold for a while, she's got some man handling to do.

4. You buy her a drink but she doesn't sit and talk to you.

Explanation: Duh.

5. If you have her number but she either doesn't pick up or she doesn't return your call before 3am, you're probably not getting any.

Explanation: Similar to the texting scenario, we want you to call us if we want you.  We keep our phone as close to our bodies as possible waiting for any ring or vibration (not like that, sicko) indicating your incoming call.  Sure, we may wait for one or two rings before we answer but that's just so we don't seem desperate.

6. If you invite her over and she actually comes but is wearing sweats and a ponytail, you're probably not getting any.

Explanation: If we are coming to your house and we want you, we are gonna slut it up a little in our appearance.  Nothing drastic, just sexy enough to seem laid back but hot.  When we rock the sweats and ponytail we are telling you, "You are my friend now.  Prepare for months of me talking about other men and asking you to pop my zits."

7. If she answers her phone when she is with you on a date and it's not her mother, you're probably not getting any.

Explanation: On a date with someone we want we don't need our phone, really.  We are too busy trying to be charming and interesting to talk to anybody else.  If she answers her phone she is saying, "I'd rather talk to my long lost friend from 3rd grade than be here with you."

8. If you take her out for dinner and she won't even give you a little tongue at the end of the night, you're probably not getting any.

Explanation: Most girls will at least throw a little make-out action your way after a good date with someone they want.  A lot of times we won't have sex with you because you are a guy and probably won't call us again.  We give you just enough to keep you interested but you are still totally gonna hit that within a week or two.

9. If she says she is "confused" about her feelings for you, you're never getting any.

Explanantion: "Confused" = "Not sexually attracted to you."  We use that word as a buffer before we have sex with someone else.  What really "confuses" us is why you won't take a hint.

10. If she ever says you are "such a nice guy", bow out with some of your dignity in tact because you are absolutely not getting any.

Explanantion: You're a nice guy.  Girls don't want "nice guys" because "nice guys" are sissy pants emo types.  This is not to say we want jerks, we don't, but we definitely want a take charge kind of man.  Good women are usually strong and independent but want men who are, too.  We want to be your woman, not your mommy.  Man up and dig the sand out of your vag.

I think ten is a good place to stop, I'm probably losing your attention.  Just remember fellas, the key to carnal happiness with the opposite sex is confidence and common sense.  We try to make it pretty obvious when we want it and if you can't tell, grab the bottle of Keri and your favorite Jenna tape because tonight you and lefty are gettin' biblical.

1. You spend at least $100 on a haircut that looks like it was done with a Flowbee.

2. You've ever listened to your ipod in a bar

3. You argue over political issues with your friends but your only news sources are the Daily Show and The Onion

4. You are in multiple sound experimenting bands

5. You detest being labeled as emo

6. You spend good money on clothes that make you look like a hobo

7. You listen to This American Life

8. You claim to be vegetarian but wear leather wrist cuffs

9. You get mad when someone else is wearing the same obscure band tee-shirt as you

10. You wear horn rimmed glasses but have 20/20 vision

11. You roll your own cigarettes BY HAND and scoff at your friends that don't

12. You hang out in Baker's Square after midnight

13. You know who Vashti Bunyan is

14. You hate that your parents are happily married and that you had a normal childhood

15. You think the new Bright Eyes album was too polished

16. You would break up someone for liking the wrong music

17. You think your short film about your family dog is a reflection of the human experience

18. You consider atheism trendy

19. You carry a dog-eared copy of On The Road in your back pocket/mailbag/guitar case with the cover always in plain view

20. You came back from vacation in Europe with a new accent and ending every conversation with "Ciao"

21. You use Yiddish terms but are not Jewish

22. You think I am a sell-out for writing this article.

Disclaimer: This letter in no way represents any current or future attempt to hook up with you.  I am addressing you here to help us both avoid an inevitably uncomfortable interaction later that will result in you thinking you are getting laid tonight and me thinking that there aren't enough handy wipes in the world to scrub the stink of your Abercrombie & Fitch cologne out of your skin.

Dear guy,

My name is Allison and I am 24 years old.  I am not looking to have sex with you.  I came out to the bar tonight to drink away my problems, not create more with you.  Believe it or not I wear nice clothes and makeup because I like to look nice and not because I'm "totally on the prowl."  I am just trying to order my drink and meet my friends but because you probably won't be able to take a hint how about I just rattle through my end of the conversation we are about to have:

Of course I'll let you buy me a drink, it's free alcohol.  No, I don't want to see your tribal tattoo that you got with your bros on spring break.  No, I don't have any tattoes.  Yes, my hair is naturally blonde and I am not going to dignify your carpet/drapes question with an answer.  Do not call me babe.  If you lick your lips at me one more time I will break this beer bottle and schiv you.  No I don't want to post party at your buddy Dylan's place.  No, I don't have tickets to the gun show but if I did I would find the biggest gun there, hold it to my eye and shoot until the chamber clicks.

I majored in political science and international studies.  Oh, you are a business major?  I never would have guessed.  No, I didn't see your comment in the campus newspaper about the squirrel epidemic.  Please don't touch me, I already showered tonight.  Thank you, no one has ever called me cute before.  Yes, I will bum you a cigarette if you promise to go away.  You are still here.   As far as you are concerned, yes I have a boyfriend.  No, really, I don't need another drink....Ugh, thanks.  I said water not Jaeger Bomb.  Yes, I do want to get out of here but not with you.  No, I don't have a cell number.  No, I don't want your number.  No I don't want to go back to your place and watch you play Guitar Hero.  Yes, I am leaving.  No I don't want a ride in your new Scion.  Yes, I am a frigid bitch.  Have a fantastic evening.