All right, you’ve come this far. You’re sitting next to her on the grass, it’s a beautiful night, you’re wearing one of the only two remotely nice shirts you own, and praise God your pit stains have yet to make significant visible progress. You’re rocking a minor splash of Claiborne Sport, and for better or worse you’re pretty sure you’re the only person on the planet who owns that cologne. Wait, why are you even wearing cologne? You’re supposed to Be Yourself, and you’re not a Cologne Type of Guy. This was a terrible mistake; everything is going terribly and you’re going to die alone.

Get yourself together! You’re Cruise, you’re Pitt… no, you’re Swayze. You’re “Ghost”-era Swayze, and she is your pre-Ashton Demi. Like them, what you need right now is the Hand-on-Hand. A gentle Hand-on-Hand will be your romantic traffic light. If she accepts, it’s green, and you go. If she accepts tentatively, it’s yellow, and you go. What would Swayze say if he were here? He’d say “The red bulb is broken, baby,” and then he would play a guitar solo on a moving motorcycle. Let’s do this.

You’re Hand-on-Hand, but oh man, your palms, your palms! She probably thinks you just crawled through a vat of diced honeydew. No, that’s ridiculous, why would she possibly assume that you were hello, she’s moving her thumb back and forth! This is monumental. This is the moon landing, this is the fall of the Berlin Wall, this is a Hall & Oates reunion tour. Now, focus. Distract her by pointing to an “owl” so you can get out your Certs and eat one, fast. You don’t need a lot of Certs – just one singular Cert will do.