Oh boy, this party looks great! I bet if I ran really fast past the two football players at the door collecting money, they would be so impressed by my speed that they wouldn't even make me pay! Maybe they'll even let me join the football team.

Those football players were completely unreasonable. Why should I have to pay for a table that broke when they tackled me? And they didn't even give me a cup.

This cup looks sanitary! I'll just wash it off in the bathroom sink after I finish relieving myself in this bathtub.

Oh wow, they have a keg here! I had no idea they'd have a keg at this kegger! I love kegs! But the line is just so long. Maybe I know someone near the front? No, doesn't look like I do. I bet if I just start walking forwards, people will get out of my way.

Well, that didn't work. I guess it was my own fault for not recognizing the football players from before in front of me. Hey, I think I know the guy pumping the keg! He'll let me cut the line for sure!

Hey man! How's it going? Don't you remember me? I think we had a Stat class last semester. I only went a few times, Statistics just bore me to sleep anyway. Anyway, you think I might be able to get some beer? What do you mean my cup's the wrong color? Well of course I bought it. Why would I pick up a random cup off the grou- Oh, hello again, football friends. Can I help you?

Whatever, that party sucked anyway. What a bunch of mean-spirited ignoramuses, they didn't even give me a chance to explain myself, despite my fervent attempts. I offered to be chill! I think I'll call my roommate Tyler and complain, loudly, about what giant toolbags those guys were.

Wow, it sounds like a really good party in there. Oh man, I can see girls exposing themselves through the windows! And... is that a live band? It is! They sound exactly like Sublime! Sublime is my favorite band ever! I've got to get back in!

Excuse me? No, I haven't been here tonight. I just got out of the library, and I'm looking to just cool off and chill out after studying so much. Hmm? Oh, you must be talking about my brother, we get mixed up a lot. Yes, we do wear the same clothing a lot. Come on man, I just want to into the party, I'll you five doll- Oh, hello again football players. Yes, I'll just walk myself out, thank you.

Well, I guess I should just go back to my room then, it's almost 1 AM. Where am I, again? If that's the science building, and that's Papa John's... Oh man, I must be at least ten miles from my building! This is awful, I'm not going to be able to walk that far. I should just call Rachel, she would always drive her car whenever we went out. Plus, it'd be good to hear her voice again...

Hi, Rachel, how are you? What'd you do tonight? You're still at the football party? They have a Sublime cover band? That's my favorite band! Ever! No, I wasn't there, you must have seen my brother, he's wearing the same shirt as I am. So what are you wearing? I bet you look very attractive, it'd be great to see you again. You know, I think we should go out again, on another date. Or maybe not even a date, just coffee or whatever. You want to come back to my room to watch a movie tonight? I've got Memento, Fight Club, and Boondock Saints. Hmm? Oh right, Todd. No, I don't think I'd like to go back to Todd's room with you, I'd like to go back to my room- oh, just you're going back to Todd's room? I see. Well, he is your boyfriend now, I guess that makes sense. Hey, if Todd is ever out of town, or being mean, or cheating on you, or anything like that, you can feel free to give me a-It was great to talk to you, too, Rachel, I- ok, um, bye.

Oh man, that was totally smooth, she's definitely going to give me a call soon. So where the hell am I now? If that's the freshman dorm, and that's Papa John's, then this... is my dorm. Awesome.

Which floor do I live on? I'm pretty sure it's 02, I'll just take the stairs.

Here I am, Room 0256... Why's my key not working? Maybe Tyler's inside, I'll knock to find out... Oh, uh, hello. What are you doing in my room? Are you Tyler's girlfriend? Tyler, my roommate? He lives here, too. What floor is this? 02? I know, that's my floor... Oh crap, I'm not 02, I'm 12...

Here I am, Room 1265... Why's my key not working? Maybe Tyler's inside, I'll knock to find out... Oh, uh, hello. What are you doing in my room? Are you Tyler's girlfriend? Tyler, my roommate? He lives here, too. What floor is this? 12? I thought so, that's my floor. Wait, is this 1256? Oh no, this is 1265, that's not my room at all, I'll just be on my way- Oh my, are those Goldfish? I'll just help myself, thank you! These are delicious! Goodnight.

Here I am, Room 1256... Why's my key not working? Oh, that's my car key. Here we go, home sweet home. I want to do nothing more than just go to bed. But I really have to pee, and the bathroom is all the way at the other end of the floor. I wish these windows opened more, so I could pee out them. Silly suicide jumpers. Hey, my sink has a drain! And if I run the water, it'll be like I'm flushing it! I'm so smart, who needs toilets?

Well, time to hit the hay. Maybe I'll just hop onto Facebook really quick, see what Rachel's away message is...

7AM the next morning...

...ow, my head. Keyboards are not good pillows.

Capital Punishment

Hey Doug, you got a minute?
...OOOOOooooooooaaaaaaaah. [coughcough] Yeah man, what's up?
I have to have a political debate with someone for a class.
Yeah man, I'm like politically aware and stuff.
Right... Well, what's your opinion on capital punishment?
[bong rip]
Doug, capital punishment?
[bong continues to rip]
Alright, just let me know when you're done or something.
[coughcoughcough] No dude I got you. Capital punishment, that's like the gas chamber and stuff, right?
Well, that's one method of state execution; there's also the electric chair and lethal injection.
You know how I'd want to go?
Doug, why would the state ever execute you?
Cause of pot man, they hate it and they''re trying to get all the potheads. High Times actually did an undercover story, there's a movement in Congress right now to-
No, Doug, we're talking about capital punishment.
I know! And they're going to start punishing capitally. The pot smokers. Who are smoking pot.
Alright Doug, do you think it's wrong, then, to give people the death penalty?
Totally dude! What's so bad about smoking pot?
No Doug, for any crime, not just smoking pot.
If I went, you know how I'd want to go?
No, but I think I can guess.
Gas chamber, man! Except, not like that carbon dioxide stuff, but like... heh heh heh. DIE-oxide.
That's very funny Doug, back to the topic at-
No, but I'd have them fill the room up with pot smoke, dude! Death by cannabis!
So.. you're for the death penalty?
Then I would go to pot heaven! High heaven!
Thanks Doug, you've been a huge help.
DUDE, JESUS MUST HAVE THE SICKEST BONG.