Let's face it, you're a busy human being. Between sleeping in and putting it off, you've barely had time to come up with a good Halloween costume this year. Thank God we're here to help. Here are a few quick and easy Halloween costumes that are sure to make people go "oh, that's kind of funny I guess..."!


What you need

• Sheet
  
• Scissors
• Legs
  
• Heels
  

Tips for "selling it"

• Make sure to yell "boo" at least once during orgasm
  

What you need

• Too-tight T-shirt with stupid pattern on it
• Too-tight jeans
• Hair gel
• Imported beer
• Cigarette
• Scarf

Tips for "selling it"

• Scoff at most things people say
• Dance with your hands only, no hips
• Be generally obnoxious and dismissive of American customs

What you need

• Filthy dress shirt
  
• Loose necktie
  
• Bottle of whiskey
  
• Red blush for gin blossoms on nose and cheeks (or just rub your face raw all night, you'll probably be too drunk to feel it)
  

Tips for "selling it"

• Hit on younger girls
  
• Request Billy Ocean songs all night
  
• Pretend your excessive drinking is "just part of the costume"

I saw this on the subway the other day.

New Yorkers will tell you that subway graffiti is not uncommon, in particlar on the subway. Even in more particular is the practice of drawing a penis next to someone's mouth. My pal Nasry even has a joke about how he is afraid to have his own TV show because it will inevitably lead to penises being drawn next to his face. (So far so good!) 

But in this case I have to take exception. This girl doesn't deserve this. I could understand if it was some skanky Bravo reality show about cutting hair or real housewives or "The Cougar"* which seem to fill the subway. Those ads cry out for penis drawings. This is a young lady trying to better herself by getting an education. She's stuck with a shitty sounding book too: Fields of Reading. If reading Catcher in the Rye is the equivalent of finding a million dollars in a suitcase, Fields of Reading sounds like the equivalent of well... having a dick drawn on your face.

Your mileage may vary, but they are:

The Beginning:
Maybe you were good at sports, maybe you always sucked, but a semester of 4am burritos hasn't helped either way. She'll be cute, blonde, and look better in track shorts than she does make-up. Through careful deception, you'll convince her you can still play intramural soccer sans heart attacks.

The End: 
This, of course, is a lie, and you'll both discover that, in the strictest animal-eating/shelf-building sense, she's more of a man than you. You'll have fun, but as soon as you try to keep up with her on the field (and elsewhere), she'll be forever left with an image of you, wheezing, doughy, and begging her to slow down.


The Beginnng:
Scene: An awful club with a one-word name like "Velour" or "Prolapse". You hate places like this. She's skinny, tanned, and seems to be wearing a confusing handkerchief. She starts talking to you. You love places like this. Your friend's a promoter or a DJ, whichever is cooler? She offers pills, and you desperately wonder if there's a non-alphabetical difference between "E" and "X".

The End:
A few months later, you'll be broke, exhausted, and starting to resemble Christian Bale from "The Machinist". She'll pout, amused by your misery, and you'll suddenly identify strongly with those sleepy YouTube puppies. Before even remembering if the sex was good, you'll be dreaming of a world where naps are worth more than gold. Also, dinosaurs with lightsabers.

Thanksgiving with my family included no Thanksgiving dinner, but rather, a giant pig carcass spread out on the table, looking like it'd been run over by a steamroller.  It was flattened, yet crispy. When the pig cadaver had been initially placed on the table, I noted the inch and a half of pig juice it was sitting in and privately considered the possibility that the submerged portion of the beast was rather soggy.

The eyes were still in the eye sockets, because, I don't know, why waste them?  I moved around the table, in an attempt to avoid eye contact, but no matter where I went, the carrion's eyes followed.  If this were a human, we'd be having a moment.  But it wasn't a human (that's good), it was a pig, and it was dead and split in half and crispy and presenting itself for my family to consume. 

Welcome back to The Thought Bubble, bubble thinkers.  I sit down with Adam Dello Buono and new-to-the-column John Fischer to discuss what spandex-clad men we'd like to see wrestle.

North vs South, Rebels vs Stormtroopers, Religion vs Common Sense. There have been some epic throwdowns in human history, but probably none so epic as fights that haven't happened between people that don't actually exist. What are some of your super-powered dream matches?

John: Honestly, I have to say that I'd like to see Namor vs Aquaman.

Adam: The fish would be so confused who to listen to.

John: True. Plus, Namor is a total bastard. Either he gets the shit kicked out of him, or we get to see someone in all orange get the shit kicked out of him. It's a win-win.

Adam: Totally. Also, they have fucking tridents.

John: Dude, tridents? Screw tridents, they could hit each other with whales.

Sean: Does Namor actually wield a trident?

John: I'm sure if you gave him a trident he'd get the general idea.

Adam: Yeah, it's the whole aquatic royalty weapon... thing.

Sean: Plus, Namor has proven to have actual effectiveness above ground, as evidenced by the whole flight, super strength, and increased durability thing.

Adam: He also looks like Spock.

Sean: And he also looks like Spock.

James Introcaso joins me once again this week from all the way out in LA. He took some time out of his Good Works Tour to discuss what happens when you mix gamma rays with scotch and what upcoming supermovies he's excited about.

PANEL ONE: Drunk driving's bad. I think that's something all of us can get behind. You know what's worse? Drunk superhero-ing. Imagine if the car being drunk driven could fly, shoot lasers, and read your mind. There have been some pretty heavy abusers over the years.

Sean: Of course the classic example is Tony Stark
James: Agreed. Though they didn't play it up in the movie, that man is a booze fiend
Sean: "Get me a scotch, I'm starving." I think they did a good job showing his love of the bottle.

Tequila: C'mon Adam, just drink me. I'm so much faster, and I PROMISE this time I won't force myself upon another chicks new $100 dollar shoes. Just drink me.

Most widely recognized as the snarky talking head from VH1's "I Love the 70s/80s/90s" series and member of the Stella trio, Michael Ian Black's witticism is getting closer to conquering every medium.

The self-proclaimed "very famous" Black already has a comedy album out, has a new book of humor essays climbing the NY Times Best Seller list, hosts a new show on Comedy Central, and has an additional one in the works alongside another well-known Michael. He recently took some time to tell me about his very public feud with Tucker Max, how to score with smart girls, and his new book "My Custom Van... And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face."

What is the best thing about your career right now?

Probably the best thing is that I've gotten to a point in my career where people are seeking me out to do interesting and dynamic work. On the other hand, I was offered an opportunity to be on "Circus with the Stars," which doesn't exactly fall into that category. It's great to be in a place where I am known enough that I don't have to always jump through hoops to get things done. Usually, but not always.

In dorm living, stall choice is always important, but for those of us with irregular bowel situations such as Colitis, Crohn's, IBS, or anyone who suffers chronic mud butt from eating regularly at a dining hall that serves everything with a side of e. coli, the condition of a bathroom stall can be the deciding factor between sweet relief and abject torture. Thus, stall choice becomes crucial.

I realize there are people out there who could drop anchor in the middle of a Brit. Lit. survey course with the same ease and matter-of-fact satisfaction they would take eating a meatball sub. These are the same people who will come into your room and brag about the size.

"Yo dude, you wouldn't believe the deuce I just dropped. You would think it was the first time I'd clean my colon since last semester. Man, it was sick. An elephant would be concerned if he did what I just did. You got to come check this out, bruh." 

To this, I might say something like, "I'm all set."

The same type of person often takes a certain pride that his farts smell "worst than anything you've ever smelled in your entire life." These people won't have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about.

This week I sit down once again with James Introcaso of the Good Works Tour. We discuss THE BEST MOVIE EVER, Samuel L Jackson's headshine, and our dream matches.

PANEL ONE: Best Opening Weekend ($158.4 million), Best Single Day($66.4 million). Top movie on IMDB Top 250 list. Could beat Titanic for highest-grossing film of all time. The dust has settled. Dark Knight. Let's talk about it.

Sean: Seen it twice.
James: Seen it once but at midnight the night it came out. I was very pleased
Sean: As was I. This makes up for Bat-Skates, Bat-nipples,Bat-Airboards, and Chris O'Donnell.
James: Agreed! I thought the theme of the film was totally amazing. ...But I did have a big problem with the end.
Sean: The hero not being the hero?

1. To get back in the habit of cafeteria-style dining, stop letting your parents prepare just one dish for dinner. Make them create an array of chicken, pizza, yogurt, bagels, sprinkles, eggs, croutons, fish sticks, cakes, cookies, burgers, deli meats, and of course, tacos. Get yourself a serving platter and just load it up. For extra acclimation points, take a backpack down to dinner with you and fill it with snacks for later. And, while you're at it, steal the platter.

2. Pre-game in your room before crashing that high school party you heard was going on down the block. They're probably only going to have stupid, young-people drinks, like vodka that you need to swig right out of the bottle. That hurts your esophagus and makes your tummy feel a little meh, so you might as well raid your parents' stash and get yourself going on the good sh*t: California's finest Turning Leaf White Zinfandel. To make it really feel like you're back at school, wander through your house-bottle-neck clasped between your thumb and forefinger--asking your parents and siblings if they want to get crunk in your room while watching The Wire illegally online. You might want to ask around about snagging a bottle opener too.

*knock knock knock*
Brain: Hold on...hold on.  I'm coming, sheesh.  
*Brain opens door*
Body: Hey man...h-hey.  
Brain: Jesus, Body.  What time is it?
Body: It's nine at night, man.  
Brain: This is when I rest, Body, you know that.  What gives?
Body: I just, I just need a little bit of endorphin, man.  J-just a little bit.  
Brain: Ok ok, take it easy. What is he doing right now?
Body: Watching TV, man.  Come on, I just need a little.  
Brain: Listen, I'm not just gonna give you any endorphins without any stimuli. What is he watching?
Body:  60 Minutes.
*Brain goes to close the door* !slice
Body: Ok ok, let's make a deal, man, ok?  Let's make a deal. OK, h-here's the deal.  You give me some endorphins now, and then I promise he'll go to the gym or something once he feels starts feelin it. Cool?
Brain: That's not how it works, Body.  You know that.  
Body: I know, b-but what do you want me to do?!  He just SITS there, watching 60 Minutes. I need those endorphins, man!  
Brain:  What about sex?  I can kick out some endorphins for that.
Body: Chicken and the egg, man.  
Brain: Well look, I don't give this stuff out for free.  Get his act together and come back later.
Body:  L-let's talk about this, man.  Let's talk about what I can do for you.  How about I walk to the library tomorrow, would you like that, man?
Brain:  Goodnight, Body.
Body: Listen, I- I didn't want to do to this...
Brain: Hey...HEY, what are you doing?
*breaks finger*
Brain: You f*cking psycho!  
Body:  GIVE ME THOSE ENDORPHINS!
Brain:  Alright fine, HERE!  Take your beloved endorphins, Jesus.  
Body: Ohhh, yeaaaah.  N-nice, man, nice.  Life is looking better already.
Brain: You know they don't last forever, right?
Body: Just, shh, man.  Let him enjoy this. 60 Minutes just got twice as exciting.
Brain:  Now go to the gym, Body.
Body:  Why would I go to the gym when I already have endorphins?
*Body sprints away as Brain sadly watches him go*
Brain:  Dammit, my finger.  I guess a few little endorphins can't hurt, right?

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to.  On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?"  The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory.  Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man. 

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance.  Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3?  Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?  

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

The anticipation around the new Batman movie has reached unprecedented levels. It's crazy to think that in two weeks you can walk around and ask anybody in America what they thought of the new Batman movie and 98% will be able to respond.

- In New York and Los Angeles, there were not only midnight showings, but 3AM and 6AM showings -- all were sold out before July 4th.

- Certain theatres in Kansas City and Miami are allowing patrons to sit and wait in the theatre next to the one showing The Dark Knight and listen to that theatre rumble and vibrate for $40.

- A theatre in Bucks County, PA will let you lick the film chemicals off the projectionist's fingers for $52.

- AMCs across Ohio are allowing people, for $55, to have some of the leftover popcorn that's left in the theater, hoping some information from the movie leaked into the butter.

- At certain theatres in Florida and Maine, you can hold the film reel for $99.50 and bite into one frame.

- In Nebraska, certain Loews theatres are allowing people to pay $160 to stare at the poster outside the theater, and another $20 to sketch it with charcoal.

Welcome back, true believers. I've decided to pull myself out of the crushing sense of responsibility and boredom that is graduating from college, and do something to further stave off the inevitable crushing cubicle of despair that is the adult world. So, I've decided to get this column up and running. For this second installment, I sit down with my good friend, fellow comic book enthusiast, and up-and-coming mass murderer, Adam Dello Buono. (New to the series? Check out the first issue here.) This time, Gay Wolverine shows up, along with movie execs admitting they made a mistake and some of the most shameful powers to ever get gamma-rayed for.

Um... mulligan?

PANEL ONE: Spider-Man, The Incredible Hulk, the Batman series reboot, and Iron Man are ushering in a new era of superhero movies. Gone are the days of Batnipples, Catwomen, and Shaq, now is the time of solid story lines, believable villains, and relatable superheroes (emo dance breaks notwithstanding). With the Avengers movie teasing us at the very distant horizon, it seems that the best is yet to come. How is Hollywood going to screw it up?

Sean: Two words: Iron-nipples
Adam: Hey man, the ladies love 'em. I think that's where male disdain for them stemmed from.
Sean: Jealousy?
Adam: Could be. Rock hard nipples all the time, can cut through glass, etc. If that doesn't get you hot I don't know what does.
Sean: My nipples cut through ass.
Adam: Trust me, I know.
Sean: Before we get too personal for the Grown-Men-In-Tights Column, lets veer back to the movies. I'm really glad to see Hollywood bigwigs willing to admit they screwed up an awesome story and take a redo, like with Hulk.