Articles by John Baker on CollegeHumor

The Differences Between Halo and Your Girlfriend

by John Baker April 25, 2008

Halo:

Originally released on November 15, 2001.

Girlfriend:

Birthday some time in... June?

Halo:

You know that three hits to the body and one headshot with the battle rifle will take down your opponent.

Girlfriend:

You still can't hit the right spot.

Halo:

You stay up all night trying to beat the game in co-op mode.

Girlfriend:

You stay up all night because sleeping while cuddling is a physical impossibility.

Halo:

"This is Spartan 117! Can anyone read me? Over."

Girlfriend:

"Ughhh, I'm so stressed out. Give me a shoulder massage."

Halo:

Almost as funny as "The War at Home."

Allows you to travel to a universe where aliens are trying to take over the world, artificial intelligence has surpassed human intelligence, and the fate of civilization is in your hands.

Girlfriend:

Lives in a universe where Sex and the City is humorous, thought-provoking television.

Halo:

There's nothing more satisfying than getting a sticky grenade right on your opponent's face.

Girlfriend:

"You want to do WHAT!?!"

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Getting To Know Your Professor Via Email

by John Baker April 17, 2008

It's surprisingly easy to learn a lot about your instructors based on the messages they send you. Check it out.

Professor Whose Dad Didn't Love Him

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The Signal

by John Baker April 15, 2008

Created in collaboration with Jonathan Motney.

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Great Female Inventions (As Reinvented by Men)

by John Baker April 11, 2008

Over the course of history, women have contributed to some of our greatest inventions. Here's how a few of them might have turned out had men come up with them.

Roomba

Inventor: Helen Greiner

Characteristics: Vacuums room at scheduled time, collects dirt and dust, returns to "home base" when finished with duties, does not make you put down the toilet seat.

Changes Made: Completely silent, cooks dinner, washes dishes. Possible renaming: Perfect Woman.

Mounted Globe

Inventor: Ellen Fitz

Characteristics: Three-dimensional world map mounted on two rings allows for rotation and shows the tilting of Earth on its axis.

Changes Made: We're not lost. I don't need to look at that! Here, I remember passing these mountain things before. I know exactly where we are.

Engine Muffler

Inventor: El Dorado Jones

Characteristics: Attached to vehicle's exhaust system to reduce exhaust noise.

Changes Made: Amplifies exhaust noise tenfold. Alerts others of your presence and signifies your superiority. Optional: Light attachment projects Bat Symbol beneath car.

No thanks. Really, I'm good.

Handjob

Inventor: (approximately) Mary Magdalene

Characteristics: Apparent rope burns, tired arms, artificial pleasure noises, overplayed jokes about how I can do it better myself.

Changes Made: Female hands made out of mouths.

Barbie

Inventor: Ruth Handler

Characteristics: Long blonde hair, large breasts, thin midsection and long legs.

Changes Made: None. Good work, Ruth.

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News Headlines I Wish Were Real

by John Baker April 09, 2008

Headlines you might read in the Sunday paper of a perfect world:

Canseco: I helped provide producer with 'baby batter' for Zoey 101 star
Women unanimously agree: size doesn't matter
Frat guy learns second song on acoustic guitar
Study: Late night fast food binges help prevent cancer
DNA evidence helps resolve who stole the cookie form the cookie jar
Fox issues public apology for 'sh*tty Japanimation' Ninja Turtles revival
Write-in ballots help elect Bart Simpson President
Nestle introduces lobster filled Hot Pockets
Pitt and Jolie adopt African child, later learn it is Gary Coleman
Survey reveals 90% of girls pillow fight in underwear; other 10% are fat

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Blog of a Guy Who Doesn't Understand the Internet

by John Baker April 08, 2008

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Facebook Quotes Section of the Guy Who Tells Really Bad Stories

by John Baker April 06, 2008

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Following the release of a set of controversial photos of Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart partying with college coeds, CollegeHumor assigned a crack team of researchers to uncover more of the signal caller's off-field exploits. The pictures they've uncovered are shocking.

Unnamed sources have reported that Leinart was forced to leave his billy goat outside the stadium.

A representative for the QB claims he was in LA at the time of this photo, but those reports could not be verified.

Matt Leinart doesn't care about black people.

Hey, at least there wasn't a beer bong anywhere in sight.

Thanks to Jon Motney for creative assistance.

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An Illustrated Glossary of...

by John Baker April 03, 2008

Historical Terms

With more than half the semester already behind us, it's important to start preparing for exams early. For those of you too lazy to pick up your history book, here's a guide to some of the trickier terms you might encounter.