Lincoln Hawk

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Member Since
May 4th, 2007
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About Me I wasn't actually born I formed out of a puddle of toxic waste much like the liquid guy in "Terminator 2". I have been around for centuries much like the 'Highlander" but not because I am immortal but because I am the illegitimate son of former "Highlander" star Lorenzo Lamas. In the late 80"s I donned a wig and became a famous roller girl. I used a deadly maneuver called the "A-bomb" which was a one-armed handspring followed by a 20 second bear hug finishing with a deadly belly to belly supplex. But I was kicked out of the league after breaking a girl’s neck. I was never convicted because all 300,000 witnesses mysterious disappeared. I once built a time machine and went back in time 10 minutes just so I could destroy it. I am the kind of guy that would bet against Rocky if given ten to one odds. After the 80's I decided it was time for college. But no schools were exclusive enough so I created my own. I call it Grode University and only one person is admitted a year making it the most exclusive college ever. Every year I am the only person admitted and classes are held in my parent’s basement and are taught by a life-size cut out of President Bush with a sharpie mustache. After 12 successful semesters I decided it was time to join the real world. So I became a phone banker. But one day I came to work dressed in a suit and started firing people. This went smoothly for a couple of hours until I wandered into the CEO's office. I still don't agree with him. I think I do have that kind of authority. So now I just peddle my body on the street and build my fortune one dime at a time much like Donald Trump did.

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  • comment Commented on an Article on Thursday, Nov 12

    Dating, It's Complicated: Issue #26
    dustin must go to NGLU "Nobody Gets Laid University" sounds about as fun as an STD. I would rather play russian roulette then go to your school
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  • comment Commented on an Article on Friday, Jan 9

    Caption Contest: 1/8
    I thought Mary was crazy when she said her dog was the anti-christ. Wrong!!!
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  • comment Commented on an Article on Thursday, Jan 1

    New Year
    10. Stop killing Hobos 9. I will Potty train a dolphin. So I can prove once and for all, that all my drunken claims are not ridiculous. Next year I am going to lasso a unicorn. Naked 8. I will stop peeing in the public pool and I will also stop calling my dog's face "The public pool". Poor little wet fellow 7 I will start eating out at more healthy places. Right after I go to Wikipedia and change the definition of "healthy places" to "vagina's". That's right I will start eating out at more vagina's. 6. I will learn another language. So I can finally get my Chinese prostitution ring oFf the ground. 5. From the 1993 Vault: I will stop taking baths with strange men no matter how much licorice or root beer they have. P.S Steve, that was definetly not a a black licorice stick. 4. I will write a sequel to the movie "Million Dollar Baby". But it will have nothing to do with boxing and will be about a baby that is sold for a million dollars. Then eaten. 3. I will enhance my physique with strenuous workouts and illegal supplements. In the sentence above replace the word "physique" with "penis" 2. I will write the great American novel. Right after I go to Wikipedia and change the definition of "great American novel' to "a crude picture of a Snoopy fucking a rhino" 1. Get famous, go on the "Tyra" Show, jump on my chair ala "Tom Cruise". Then when the crowd is distracted I will execute a perfect "missile drop kick" on that bitch. She will fall back onto her giant ass which will act as a trampoline shooting her back to her feet. Where I will be patiently waiting to deliver a viscous clothesline. America's Top Model, my ass.
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  • comment Commented on a Video on Friday, Nov 7

    CH Live: NYC - Joe Mande
    weak.. here is real standup http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/MathewGrodeOct132008
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  • comment Commented on an Article on Monday, Aug 25

    Roommate Confessions: Freshman Year
    Tim from uconn you couldn't fool a handicapped freshman with that story.Let me tell you about the time I levitated and donkey punched Tiger Woods. Then I had a clown distract Brad Pitt while I banged Angelina Jolie. Then I turned into a transformer and ended the Iraq war.kill yourself
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