Lincoln Hawk's Articles

10 total in May 2007

  • One Upping the One Upper Guy

    by Lincoln Hawk May 30, 2007

    Guy: I have always wanted to go hang gliding

    One Upper Guy: I went hang gliding in Hawaii last year. It was breath taking

    Me: Every year I hang glide out of moving helicopter into some war torn country with only a buck knife wearing nothing but a banana hammock just to see if I can survive.

     

    Guy: I liked the new “Punisher” movie with Rebecca Roman Stamos

    One Upper Guy: I have the special edition. It is much better and it has twenty minutes of extra footage and two alternate endings.

    Me: I liked the original better it had Dolph Lungdren the guy that played Ivan Draggo who was the Russian boxer in “Rocky 4”. I really enjoy those cheesy 90’s action movies and it is extra hard to find because it’s only on VHS. My production company is working on getting a DVD version out to the general public.

     

    Guy: What ever happened to Tonya Harding?

    One Upper Guy: I saw her last week pumping gas

    Me: Last week I saw her at the Piggy Wiggly. I paid a clown to distract her while I shattered her kneecap with a sledgehammer. Then me, her, and the clown took a picture together.

     

    Guy: My cousin was grazed in a drive-by shooting last weekend

    One Upper Guy: I use to be in gang and got caught in crossfire once and had a bullet go right thru my shoulder. I can show you the scar but it is really small since I heal really really fast.

    Me: I shoot myself once a month near my vital organs just to see how fast I can remove the bullets using only a heated pliers. My record is 25 seconds. I would show you the scars but I am so precise in surgery that I never leave scars.

     

    Guy: I just got a 5k raise yesterday

    One Upper Guy: I make 150k a year and get to drive the company Mercedes any time I want.

    Me: I just won the 270 million dollar Powerball. Tomorrow I am going to buy the companies you guys work for and fire you both.

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  • Why I Don't Watch American Idol

    by Lincoln Hawk May 23, 2007
    Waiting for CSI: American Idol spin-off.

    Contestants rarely, if ever, murdered in "Running Man" style competition.

    Taylor Hicks can’t win every year.

    Real singing feels fake compared to Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears style pop acts.

    Frustrated after six seasons of Randy Jackson sitting idly by while Paula Abdul isn't eaten alive.

    Other, better shows also on Wednesdays at 8 p.m.

    Too difficult to write for my America Idol blog and watch at the same time.

    They have a one year only rule. Thus Taylor Hicks can’t come back each year.

    Eight-year-old girls in chat room agree Idol jumped the shark after season four.

    Simon Cowell isn't American, and that's bad for our troops.

    In my nightmares, the radio plays Kelly Clarkson on all frequencies and can't be turned off.

    I can drink a case of cold beers and the show still only vaguely resembles American Gladiators.

    Sanjaya-a-boy realization brings back chilling memories of Hanson fiasco in elementary school.

    Taylor Hicks won't return phone calls.
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  • Poems of The Criminally Insane

    by Lincoln Hawk May 21, 2007
    My Jell-O is red,
    And I enjoy puzzles,
    But I would eat your f*cking face
    If it wasn’t for this muzzle,
     
    I'm always strapped down,
    So I pretend my bed is a ship,
    They call me a cannibal,
    But I only ate the tips,
     
    I have four padded walls,
    Because I’m an insane asylum resident,
    Is it because I have 100 hundred imaginary friends,
    Or that I claim I’m the president,
     
    I sleep 14 hours a day,
    And take pills to keep stable,
    Just because I killed my family,
    And displayed their heads on the table,
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  • Day I Realized College did Prepare Me for The Real World

    by Lincoln Hawk May 18, 2007
    8:00     Boss calls to let you know work starts at 11:00 because of the huge keggar you attended last night. Also today is sweatshirts and ball caps day and showering is one hundred percent optional.
    11:00 Boss hands out Red Bulls and exclaims, “I am hung over, b*tches”.
    11:30 The office challenges a rival company to a beer pong tournament with the quarterly earnings as the wager.
    12:00 The boss announces that all work assignments can be accessed on the company website. Work attendance will be optional but there will be three meetings per quarter to test our aptitude.
    12:30 You go to the vending machine but it only contains Ramen and the work cafeteria only contains items from the McDonald’s dollar menu.
    1:00 You judge the office wet t-shirt contest.
    1:30 Your boss wants you to burn the first three seasons of “Family Guy” and have it on his desk by 5:00.
    2:00 Office meeting to announce all employees must now get at least 10 hours of sleep a day.
    3:00 New internet security system blocks all website unless they contain porn or can be used to buy beer bongs or ironic t-shirts. Also the default page alternates between Facebook and MySpace.
    3:30 Office meeting to announce that the cleaning crew has been fired and for office cleaning we must rely solely on our girlfriends and wives.
    4:00 Boss announces all work assignments will be done thru text-mail.
    4:30 You have to dress up in a penis costume and shout at passing traffic for your new hire initiation.
    5:00 You and your boss go out for drinks after work and if you can pick up a girl he will give you a promotion. But he stresses that sea-donkies are not allowed.
     
     
     
     
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  • Rejected versus from Mims "This is why I'm hot " song

    by Lincoln Hawk May 16, 2007
    You never wear clothes,

    And watch porno around the clock,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    We knock

     

    You listen to Weezer,

    Eat fun-yuns and smoke a lot of pot,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    When we ask complex questions,

    You give us no response,

     

    Coffee comes in liquid form,

    And is in a coffee pot,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    It’s hot

     

    You dress like gangster,

    In a suburban neighborhood,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    The taxi’s never stop

     

    I stole this cd at Wal-Mart,

    And I never got caught,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    It’s hot

     

    You bite off human ears,

    And fight your pit bulls around the block,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    You lost your right to box

     

    I wear long-johns and a parka,

    Whether it’s cold or not,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    I’m hot,

     

    You wear lots of make-up,

    Few clothes and flirt an extra lot,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    You think your fricken hot,

     

    Your lazy when we do it,

    And Its my favorite spot,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    This is why,

    I prefer the top


     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     
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  • Guaranteed Ways to Get Rid Of Your One Night Stand. "Part 2"

    by Lincoln Hawk May 13, 2007
     
    Girl: Good morning.
    Me: I don’t believe in marriage and I’m allergic to diamonds!
     
    Girl: What is that book?
    Me: It’s the book of truth. If you’re going to be a Jehovah witness we must start your teachings today.
     
    Girl: Where are you going?
    Me: I have to be a crossing guard this morning. Don’t I look old for a 13 year old?
     
    Girl: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    Me: OH MY GOD I KILLED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!
     
    Girl: We should do this again some time.
    Me: Yeah, but next time we’ll include my twin brother and wear the bear suits?
     
    Girl: Wow, it’s already 10:00
    Me: We must hurry the owner's come back from vacation today. By the way, I’m Homeless Bob. Your typical fun-loving hobo.
     
    Girl: What is your name?
    Me: Father Johnson. Wait, your not an alter boy. I must have been really drunk last night.
     
    Girl: What are you writing?
    Me: It’s a book called “An Idiots Guide to Picking up Slutty Women at the Bar”. How do your spell your name?
     
    Girl: You’re up early?
    Me: I have to wash my hands 100 times before breakfast then lock and unlock the door for forty-five minutes before I leave the house. 
     
    Girl: I want to know everything about you
    Me: Have you ever seen Dateline NBC’s “How to catch a predator”.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     


     
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  • Why you make unfavorable comments to my article postings

    by Lincoln Hawk May 09, 2007
    I slept with your grandmother. Didn’t use protection and she has been dead since 1993.
     
    You were drunk and still thought you were fighting with your girlfriend on Facebook
     
    You saw your roommate on Dateline NBC’s “How to Catch a Predator”
     
    Your girlfriend showed you a tape of me and her having sex. In hopes of improving your technique
     
    You slept with your professor for an A. Then found out it wasn’t your professor but the janitor. Weeks later, your brother confesses it was him in a janitor’s costume
     
    Your only friend is Jesus
     
    You have PMS. Which is amazing, because you won’t officially be a girl till after the next surgery
     
    Your parents are getting a divorce and it’s because of you
     
    After measuring your penis size for years. You finally realize you have been using the centimeter side of the ruler. You are hung like the fleas on a lab rat
     
    You live in the apartment below me. It’s not my fault me and my friends get drunk and play tennis on Nintendo Wii till the sun comes up. I would like to blame that on the harsh structural system that one may find in everyday society
     
    There is no place on a job application to list “Beer Pong Champion”
     
    Roger Clemens turned down the offer to join your beer league softball team
     
    You missed tryouts for the Duke Lacrosse team
     
    You have a computer virus and are forced to beat-off to pop-up windows
     
    You said “Chuck Norris” three times in the mirror. It is only a matter of time before you become one of this year’s many roundhouse kick related deaths
     
    You found out Ultimate Frisbee wasn’t an Olympic Sport
     
    Your pot plant died
     
    Your younger brother graduated from law school before you got your Associates degree
     
    You borrowed your roommate’s shorts and got an STD. Borrowed a condom and got your girlfriend pregnant. The twins are due in March


     


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  • 10 Ways to End a One Night Stand

    by Lincoln Hawk May 08, 2007
    Girl: Wow, your great with your hands!


    Me: That’s because the wedding ring gives me added girth and mobility.


    Girl: I usually don’t do that on the first night


    Me: Wow that chloroform wore off quick. Are you immune or something?


    Girl: That was amazing.


    Me: Almost as amazing as last week’s gay cruise. I nearly sh*t when Bruce swallowed that whole cucumber. Wait, I couldn’t sh*t for a week after that cruise.


    Girl: You want to cuddle?


    Me: These college single beds are kind of small, maybe you should sleep on the floor. I think there is a sleeping bag in the corner. Wait, Fred pissed in the corner last night. I would give you my blanket but I get extra cold during my herpes outbreaks.


    Girl: Was I better than the last girl you were with?


    Me: Let’s go ask her. She is still chained to the radiator in the basement. Unless the dogs got to her. It’s only been a month, she should be fine. I’m pretty sure you can survive a whole month without food or water.


    Girl: I hope you’re not disgusted with me in the morning.


    Me: Morning? Who’s going to be here in the morning? By then I will be pawning your valuables.


    Girl: Those mirrors on the ceiling are sexy.


    Me: What mirrors, that’s two-way glass. Mother likes to watch.


    Girl: I could see myself falling in love with you.


    Me: Love is against the Master’s teachings. Hurry, I think I hear him coming.


    Girl: I want to know everything about you


    Me: Have you seen Dateline NBC’s “How to catch a predator”?


    Girl: What was your last girlfriend like?


    Me: She was pretty cool till she died of AIDS?
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  • Guaranteed Ways To Get Rid Of Your One Night Stand

    by Lincoln Hawk May 04, 2007
    Girl: I usually don’t do that on the first night.

    Me: Wow that chloroform wore off quick. Are you immune or something?

    ...

    Girl: Was I better than the last girl you were with?

    Me: Let’s go ask her. She is still chained to the radiator in the basement. Unless the dogs got to her. It’s only been a month she should be fine. I’m pretty sure you can survive a whole month without food or water.

    ...

    Girl: Those mirrors on the ceiling are sexy.

    Me: What mirrors, that’s two-way glass. Mother likes to watch.

    ...

    Girl: I could see myself falling in love with you.

    Me: Love is against the Master’s teachings. Hurry, I think I hear him coming.

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  • Dick Cheney's Daily Blog

    by Lincoln Hawk May 04, 2007

     

    8:00    I wonder if I Tivo’d  “Murder She Wrote” and “Matlock”. I think ‘Golden Girls” was a rerun
     
    9:00    still can’t believe Bush declared war on Iraq. Just because I beat him with the word in scrabble.
    10:00   When I go pheasant hunting they have a limit on pheasants. But is there a limit on how many of my friends I can shoot. Just thinking out loud.
    11:00   Can you OD on Ensure. I have had like 10 cans today
    12:00   I have already had like three hip replacements. I wonder if they can just build me from the ground up like they did in the “Robocop” movie
    12:30   I have to go read President Bush a story before is afternoon nap. He has selected “Cat in the Hat” the last three times. I think its funny how he has it memorized and he acts like he is reading along. Note to self, sue “Hooked on Phonics” for false advertising.
    1:00    lost my keys again. I wonder if the CIA is busy
    2:00    Bush declared war on sky because saw a cloud that looked like war ship. Have to clear this up with the media. This is like the time he declared war on Greenland when he found out it wasn’t green. He still thinks their up to something.
    3:00    God, am I old
    3:30    still have to pretzel proof the house
    4:00    Bush’s daughter’s make the best moonshine
    4:30    I sure do miss the dinosaurs. T-Rex omelets were the best
    5:00    Need to put a down payment on the ‘”Rascal”. It is like the Rolls Royce of motorized carts.
    5:30    I have never believed in Indian reservations. I for one, had a blast at the first Thanksgiving
    6:00    Still need to book the clown and inflatable games for Bush’s birthday. He said no Sponge bob this year.
    6:30    Have to check Bush’s closet for the boogeyman again. I should have never let him watch “The Hills Have Eyes”
    7:00    bedtime
     
     

     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     


     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     



     




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Lincoln Hawk
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I wasn't actually born I formed out of a puddle of toxic waste much like...

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