Step 1: start drinking alcohol

It is well known throughout history that any time something is built it is the direct result of alcohol consumption. Prime examples include Stonehenge and Atlantis because only drunk people would build a city under water or stack rocks in the middle of nowhere as a prank to the entire world. While building a tent you are required to at least consume a 6 pack of beer and if you are able to consume more it just means that the hair on your chest is able to support a complex ecosystem. If not then upon your death your tombstone will read," Here lies a Fag".

Steps 2: Bring a friend you can easy manipulate

Every real man is required to have at least one friend that doesn't really fit in and can be controlled like a dumb puppy at moment's notice. You will keep him around just to run errands or to humiliate if there is a pause in the conversation. He can also be used as a stunt double if your girlfriend wants to talk about her feelings after you have pleasured her multiple times like some sort of drugged up race horse. But make sure he hides under the covers because every real man knows that women much like cats are able to see in the dark.

Step 3: Order your friend to start building the tent

After you have consumed a couple beers and talked about how the tent will be constructed, it is time for you to order your friend to start working. I simple, "Hey fag maybe if you build this tent your father will finally tell you he loves you" should work fine. Now you can sit back have some more beers and tell him he is doing it wrong because of his learning disability but remember it is very important not to provide any assistance.

Step 4: Throw a rock at your friend

After a couple of minutes of work your friend will begin to think he is part of the group, well liked, and very useful. This thought is more ridiculous then one piece bathing suits. Throw a rock at your friend to remind him that he is useless and hated by his peer group

Step 5: Take off shirt, attracting drones of women to finish the tent

After a couple more minutes of work your friend will likely screw up the tent. This is expected for he is like the mole on your ass. He is always around, good for a couple of laughs but all and all the world would be a better place without him. So you must finally spring into action. Take off your shirt to reveal rock hard abs that are not the result of strenuous workouts but from beer, steaks and a sauna belt you bought from an infomercial because you were drunk. This display of manliness will cause women to flock to your side much like sharks swarm at the sight of blood. Once you have a faithful army of women you should order them to get to work. Now you have plenty of time to have more beers and throw more rocks.

Steps 6: Destroy the tent

Once they have finished the tent you will declare that it is a piece of shit since you had no part in its construction. You will immediately destroy the tent reminding your friend that his father still does not love him and showing the women that since the tent was built by female hands  it is inferior and weak. This violent display of manliness will make the women extremely horny and they will all want to mate with you immediately.

Steps 7: Steal RV

Once you have destroyed the tent you will soon realize no tent will ever be good enough for you. So you will walk the entire campsite until you find a very expensive RV. Then you will steal it. The owner may put up a fight but he will be no match for your faithful army of beautiful women. You will drive the RV to the top of a mountain and make love to the beautiful women until the sun rises.

Step 8: The end

At sun up, you will push the RV full of women off the mountain. This will once again display your manliness and get rid of valuable evidence and possible narks. On the walk back to the car you will capture a bear and train it to get you beers. If you have every built a tent without following these steps above it means that at birth your penis was replaced with a baby rattle.

10. Stop killing Hobos

9. I will Potty train a dolphin. So I can prove once and for all, that all my drunken claims are not ridiculous. Next year I am going to lasso a unicorn. Naked

8. I will stop peeing in the public pool and I will also stop calling my dog's face "The public pool". Poor little wet fellow

7 I will start eating out at more healthy places. Right after I go to Wikipedia and change the definition of "healthy places" to "vagina's". That's right I will start eating out at more vagina's.

6. I will learn another language. So I can finally get my Chinese prostitution ring oFf the ground.

5. From the 1993 Vault: I will stop taking baths with strange men no matter how much licorice or root beer they have. P.S Steve, that was definetly not a a black licorice stick.

4. I will write a sequel  to the movie "Million Dollar Baby". But it will have nothing to do with boxing and will be about a baby that is sold for a million dollars. Then eaten.

3. I will enhance my physique with strenuous workouts and illegal supplements. In the sentence above replace the word "physique" with "penis"

2. I will write the great American novel. Right after I go to Wikipedia and change the definition of "great  American novel' to "a crude picture of a Snoopy fucking a rhino"

1. Get famous, go on the "Tyra" Show,  jump on my chair ala "Tom Cruise". Then when the crowd is distracted I will execute a perfect "missile drop kick" on that bitch. She will fall back onto her giant ass which will act as a trampoline shooting her back to her feet. Where I will be patiently waiting to deliver a viscous clothesline. America's Top Model, my ass.

Dad thinks: I am going to miss your porn collection. It's not fair, I helped build that beautiful monstrosity. You never did figure out who was sending you those emails with the hot new porn titles or why on those same days I coincidently gave you $20 for gas. In your defense, you always were pretty fucking stupid. I also can no longer blame those nasty porn sites on you. Plus, how am I going to get good weed. I am to old to ask random people,"who is holding."

Mom says: Where going to miss you son

Mom thinks: I am going to miss your friends "eye fucking me" all the time and calling me a milf behind my back. I will also miss using your school events as an excuse to dress slutty. Now how will I build my self esteem.

Dad says: It will be weird not having you around.

Dad thinks: It will be great not having you around. Now I can bang your mom any where in the house and she can't use "you being around" as an excuse any more. Plus I can walk around naked again. I miss having a cool bowl of cereal resting on my nut sack while I watch the morning news.

Mom says: It will be weird not having you around

Mom thinks: Oh shit, I can no longer use you as excuse to not have sex with your father. I will have to go back to using the headache excuse but that only works so much. Plus I will have to witness your father's naked body 24/7 which is like watch train wreck's all day. My self esteem is going to plummet

Dad says: Your an adult now and we know you will make wise decisions

Dad thinks: Your free now, bang as many drunk whores as you can. But use a condom, don't make the same mistake I did. If it wasn't for that mistake you wouldn't exist. Live your dreams now because you won't be able to live them through your children. Because with our gene pool they will probaly be worthless pathetic pieces of shit just like you where.

Mom's says: Your an adult now and we know you will make wise decisions

Mom thinks: You will probaly fuck up. A wise decision would have been an abortion. But at least I have a four year window where there is a slim possibilty you could get a drunk bitch pregnant. Because that is my only real shot at grandchildren. If I'm lucky they will take after her and then I can actually be proud of them. I will probaly poke holes in your condoms when you come home.

Dad says: come home sometime.

Dad thinks: Only come home if you have some good weed. I'm talking about becoming friends with the jamacian kids because let's face it you won't be hanging with the jocks. Also you better update that porn collection. Your in college and you have access to some sick shit. You better have foreign shit, donkey shows, amputees help out your old man I am tired of banging your mom in your bed.

Mom says: Come home sometime

Mom thinks: No, I don't want to do your fucking laundry or bake for your fat ass. Have you been in eating the whole time you have been gone to bad they don't have a "CelebrityFit Club" show just for losers. But I will put up with it if I can have just one weekend without your father walking around naked with milk and cereal all over his pubes. Plus invite your loser friends over so they can stare at me for uncomfortably long periods of time. My self esteem is pretty low and those little pervs can recharge the old batteries.

9. The children in power are as intelligent as the current leader of the free rule and they are yet to declare war on Iraq.

8.The show has been around two weeks and it hasalready angered PETA much like my 'Save the cows hamburger eating contest"

7.The children on the show work 24/7 to keep their town running. While the corporate heads of "Nike" sit at home fuming because they didn't think of using a reality show to exploit childen for free labor.They are currently pitching "Factory Wars: Kids edition" to ABC.

6.The kid that will later find out he is homosexual while watching the kids of 'Laguna Beach" eating hotdogs is also also a boy scout leader that insists on wearing a cowboy hat 24/7. The ironry is nearly unbearable.

5. The kid that does the most chores and works the hardest is rewarded with a goldstar worth 20k at the end of the week. When I was a child and I did all my chores, my reward was getting to choose what I would be beaten with. I also chose a "Taser" because I wanted to build an immunity for later in life.

4. The show has one black kid and one red-haired freckled faced girl. So the NAACP and the Ginger's are both equally represented here. There is also one kid that is probaly insane so Tom Cruise is also happy. I imagine him and Tom will one day unite and go on a murderous rampage that will be talked about for years.

3. Their are forty kids and no parents so there is always the possibilty of a "Lord of the Flies" type scenario.If we add that with some starving wolves it could make for some pretty interesting television. Once again, fingers crossed.

2. There is one kid named 'Mark" that is always giving moving and motivational speech's. I imagine he will one day become President.........of his Everquest fan club........douche. He reminds me of my class president who eventually died in a horrible stabbing accident in my basement. I always hated him.

1. If 'Kid Nation" did a spinoff with Dateline NBC's"To Catch a Predator" it could spell huge ratings. Hi, My name is Chris Hanson with Dateline NBC, "This is a vacent desert with forty children and no adults why did you come here with a 6 pack of SmirnoffIce and condoms."I got lost"

That time you drank a whole case of beer by yourself on a Sunday and left explicit messages on your ex-girlfriend Terri's  voicemail. But you were to drunk to realize it was your frat brother Terry's number you were calling. You woke up next to him with a pounding headache and soreness in other parts of your body. Brotastic!

That one time you and your frat brothers got hammered and did a panty raid. But you were so drunk you missed the girl's sorority house by a block and ended up at that nursing home. You still haven't got that smell out of your clothes but you got some nice souvenirs. Brotastic!

That time you and your frat brothers got hammered before the football game with intentions of taunting the other team and raping their mascot. But you got lost on the way and ended up at an 8-year old girl's soccer game. Because of that streaking incident you now have to register as a sex offender. Brotastic!

That time you and your frat brothers decided to have a beer pong tournament using hard alcohol and flaming baseball's. Resulting in 6 deaths, 8 arrests, 9 stomach pumps, and enough Facebook pictures for a calendar year. Brotastic! Steve-o, Beefy, Herc, Shit Stain, Fugly,  and Midget Head you will all be greatly missed.

To save expenses you are rooming with Pauley Shore and he insists on calling your apartment the "Biodome"

Due to the success of comic book movies. You have been cast in the lead of "Stretchy Guy" directed by Michael Bay's retarded half brother 

You are dating John Mayer and are also conviced your "Leapfrog: 3rd grade edition" is actually a laptop.

After the surprise success of MTV's "Your Momma". You are hired to host  "Your Pet". But it is cancelled mid episode and replaced with "The OH"  which is a knockoff of  "The OC" that follows the lives of Ohio farm kids who are secrectly ninjas.

Your music is featured on "That's What I Call Music 1,245: Salsa edition" 

Your dating Demi Moore's great grandmother who has been dead since 1993

Your name is Matt LeBlanc. P.S. that "Lost in Space" remake was brillant and 'Friends" was a fluke.

Your asking Tom Cruise for career advice and Michael Jackson to baby-sit

Your a rapper who hasn't been arrested or shot.

Kenny Rogers and George Michaels are your financial advisors.

You are a contestant on 'Celebrity Fit Club" or on any show with Flavor Flav or any show he has thought of being on

You were in any of the "Young Guns" movies and your name is not Keifer Sutherland 

Your a Baldwin brother and your name is not  Alec

One Upper Guy: I went hang gliding in Hawaii last year. It was breath taking

Me: Every year I hang glide out of moving helicopter into some war torn country with only a buck knife wearing nothing but a banana hammock just to see if I can survive.

Guy: I liked the new “Punisher” movie with Rebecca Roman Stamos

One Upper Guy: I have the special edition. It is much better and it has twenty minutes of extra footage and two alternate endings.

Me: I liked the original better it had Dolph Lungdren the guy that played Ivan Draggo who was the Russian boxer in “Rocky 4”. I really enjoy those cheesy 90’s action movies and it is extra hard to find because it’s only on VHS. My production company is working on getting a DVD version out to the general public.

Guy: What ever happened to Tonya Harding?

One Upper Guy: I saw her last week pumping gas

Me: Last week I saw her at the Piggy Wiggly. I paid a clown to distract her while I shattered her kneecap with a sledgehammer. Then me, her, and the clown took a picture together.

Guy: My cousin was grazed in a drive-by shooting last weekend

One Upper Guy: I use to be in gang and got caught in crossfire once and had a bullet go right thru my shoulder. I can show you the scar but it is really small since I heal really really fast.

Me: I shoot myself once a month near my vital organs just to see how fast I can remove the bullets using only a heated pliers. My record is 25 seconds. I would show you the scars but I am so precise in surgery that I never leave scars.

Guy: I just got a 5k raise yesterday

One Upper Guy: I make 150k a year and get to drive the company Mercedes any time I want.

Me: I just won the 270 million dollar Powerball. Tomorrow I am going to buy the companies you guys work for and fire you both.

Your lazy when we do it,

And Its my favorite spot,

This is why,

This is why,

This is why,

I prefer the top