Paul Frank's Articles

Technicolor introduces the new QualTron 5000 VCR.

Official press release:

Remember the good old days when VCRs reigned supreme? We can bring those days back. We can change the world, one tape at a time.

Tired of this DVD crap? What does that even stand for? The only acronyms you need to know are VHS and VCR and SEX, which is what you're gonna have when you show off the new QualTron 5000 VCR! Plus, screw new technology. We don't need more buttons on our remotes. They already have like 4 buttons on them things! And 'high' definition? Is that for stoners or something? No offense to stoners.

With the new QualTron 5000 VHS Tape Player, your friends will be lining up to give you handjobs while you both watch Titanic on 2 cassette tapes.

The QualTron 5000 VHS video cassette tape player is the most advanced - and only - VCR on the market today.

So dust off those Best of's of your favorite show with two episodes per tape on them. Feel again the joy of rewinding. And sit through all those previews you always enjoyed.

With a little imagination and a few hits from a bong, you can also watch DVDs on this sucker!*

*You can put DVDs in the cassette port, but they will not play.

**The QualTron is hi-awesome! Super VCR video cassette recorder VHS video home system tape player for life!

Judge: "You are charged with masturbating to Saved by the Bell. How do you plead?"

Defendant: "Your honor, in my defense, Saved by the Bell was merely playing on the television in the same room while I happened to be masturbating. I didn't turn it off because I like it, okay?!"

Judge: "So...guilty or not guilty?"

Defendant: "Is there something in the middle or something?"

Spectator:(stands up) "Free this man!"

Other spectators cheer.

Judge: "Order, order!" (banging gavel) "This is a fucking courtroom!"

Prosecutor: "Your honor, babes and gentlemen of the jury, if you please give me your attention for just a few minutes, I will blow your fucking mind with my smarts. Mmm, Smarties. Those are kind of good candies. Well, I guess there's better out there, but I digress. Digress, what a stupid word, right? Anywho, isn't watching Saved by the Bell a crime by itself? Then surely masturbating to Saved by the Bell is a double-felony only punishable by life in prison!"

Defendant's Lawyer: "Your honor, I would like to speak for a minute...Is this not America? Can we not masturbate wherever we please? In the park, on the courtroom steps before a trial, while watching little children play at recess. Are these not all accepted places to masturbate? I shall answer my own question. They are, your honor."

Jury: We the Jury find the defendant guilty of the crime of masturbating to Saved by the Ball. As in the precedent case of having sex while Full House was on, I believe it was The State v. Bob Saget, we sentence the defendant to watch every single episode of the show ever. And it will be at his own cost to purchase the complete season DVD's of Saved by the Bell."

Judge: "Justice has been served."

What is Unicorp?
Unicorp is a heteronational company dedicated to its impressive goals, implementation of tasks to promote betterment, and a commnunity-based work ethic.

Yeah, but what kind of company is it?
I'm sorry, you're really gonna have to speak up.

But...I'm typing.
Not loud enough.

Plus, you made me up. I exist in a parallel universe where you control every thought and action of mine. You are me and I are you. I have no free thought process other than yours. The nice thing about that is thatI never have to go to the bathroom. The bad part is that I can't speak out against you, since I am you, and also I' m usually very lonely.
...

If I gave you a $1, would you be less vague?
You're so vain. I bet you think this song is about you. Don't you? Oh, you said 'vague.'

Does Unicorp pride itself on being committed to nondiscrimination?
Yes. N**gers, chinks, Jews, Nazis, and Cauc-Asians are all allowed to stand behind our pristine silver fence and gaze in at our wondrous facility. All special ethnic groups can apply at our equal-opportunity website application system, http://www.tubgirl.com.