Whoops. You forgot to study for your finals again this year. As your cool uncle would say, so what? In an foolproof twist of irony, here's how NOT studying for finals can actually help you pass. It's (sort of) true! You scholar you.

Chemisty: It's the night before your chemistry final and you haven't even cracked the book. First things first; pop an adderall. As soon as you feel the 9 parts Carbon, 13 parts Hydrogen and 1 part Nitrogen start to increase your brain function, sit down and-OH SH*T, SON! Nevermind, book, because you just learned the chemical effects of amphetamines first hand. Now, take that newfound concentration and go beat your roommate's record of consecutive chair spins. With dopamine levels like that, you can't lose.

 

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Neurology: After a sleepless night of cramming for your Western Civ final at 9am, you're on your way to your 11am Neurology final with nothing prepared. Man, you're really starting to feel the effects of a lack of R.E.M. sleep. It's like your temporal lobe isn't activated at all, your neurotransmitters are firing slower than usual, and you're having trouble with words. Oh, I'm sorry, did I just hear an accurate list of the neurological effects of sleep deprivation? The answer is deppfiatley.

What You Write In Your Essay	What It Means
Etcetera	I can't think of any other examples but don't want you to know that.
Thus...	These two points have nothing to do with each other, so I'll just connect them with a word I heard on Masterpiece Theater.
However...	That thing I just said was bullsh*t.
In other words...	I'm out of ideas but haven't written 10 pages yet, so I'll just start repeating what I already said.
Hamlet is a complex play.	I did not understand Hamlet.
Hamlet is an extremely complex play.	I did not read Hamlet.
The causes of the American Revolution are rather straightforward.	How the hell do you expect me to write 2,000 words about this?
As Dr. Jason Steinberg discusses in his work...	My professor can't fail me if I cite his own book, right?
The central philosophical conflict of The Brothers Karamazov is the conflict between religious faith and doubt.	Just because I'm in college now doesn't mean I'm above using SparkNotes.
The oil crisis of the 1970s was very PENIS.	My roommate is an assh*le who knows I don't proofread.
Research on the subject remains limited.	I didn't feel like looking anywhere besides Wikipedia for information.
Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason is a very important and relevant work.	I need to prove to my dad that majoring in philosophy was a good decision.
THijs book susckeed ethrre ewre no boosb!!!	I was lying when I said I write papers better when I'm drunk.
xiueyr984fowei	I passed out on the keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

'Twas the night before GTA IV and all through the dorm,
not a student could sleep, anticipating the following morn.

With their laptops a'glow they laid awake in their beds,
while visions of ghostriding motorcycles danced in their heads.

All papers were turned in weeks before due,
and all absences saved for this gaming debut.

The hallways were empty, the RAs were gone,
they camped out at Best Buy 'til it opened at dawn.
So I stared out my window and gazed at the stars,
dreaming of beating pedestrians and stealing cop-cars.

Sleeping with an 18-year-old
Sleeping with a 40-year-old
Failing tests
Eating at Friendly's
Peppermint candies
All other candies
Driving a minivan
Driving a Mercury

Last night we posted an article by GaTekChiclet which put forth a formula to generate insults.  We laughed, we cried and one of us - a humble programmer who goes by the handle, Iowa - came in this morning, wrote a little program to automate the process and posted it to the site.  It's a perfect marriage of technology and the limitless potential humans have to hurt each other's feelings. 

I'm proud to introduce you all to our very own Insult Generator, based off GaTekChiclet's formula. 

A)University of Central Arkansas, Conway, Arkansas
 On the week of Friday the 13th
 
Genius:  Do you think September 11th will ever fall on Friday the 13th?
 
Everyone in class starts laughing really hard.

I swear to God you guys, she said that. Seriously, you don’t understand how much I need this. Just do this one thing for me, you know I’d do it for you. Check this out.

 
100 likes I get the threesome

 
150 likes and it gets to be with another girl

 
200 likes and I post pictures of it

 
300 likes and she won’t tell people I hit her

 
400 likes and I can have Amir Blumenfeld videotape it

450 likes and Jeff Rubin will videotape Amir videotaping it, and we'll post it on CollegeHumor

 
500 likes and she’ll respect me

 
550 likes and I get anal.