My cousin Jordan is starting his freshman year this coming August. He just got his roommate assignment and sent this over to me the other day. Check it out.

EVOLUTION, as understood by a Creationist:

A few hundred years ago, deep in the jungle, a girl monkey goes into labor.

Monkey Boyfriend: You can do it, sweetie.

With a loud monkey noise, she gives birth.

Monkey Doctor: It's a new species!

Monkey Boyfriend: We'll call it humans. 

An elderly fish enters, pats the chimpanzee on the back.

Fish: I'm proud of you, son.

Monkey Boyfriend: Thanks, dad.

(SIDE NOTE: The monkeys are not married.)

Years later, the human boy is cornered by some predators.

Human boy: Crap. Better evolution-ize.

The boy evolves some laser eyes, or possibly wings. He easily defeats all the predators. 
 

As the old saying goes, "You can't rewrite history." Sadly, you can't rewrite live television either. Luckily for us dreamers out there, someone has yet to coin a phrase that forbids you from rewriting historical figures into beloved sketches that have previously aired on live television.

Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I'm wearing sweatpants and we're right in the middle of class.

Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET'S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.

Brain: We're definitely not gonna do that.

Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.

Brain: Please go back to sleep.

Penis: F*CK NO. I'M AMPED.

Brain: But I've gotta do a presentation. Everyone's going to see you...

Penis: DON'T CARE.

Brain: Please, I'm begging you.

Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

Why are characters that discover they have superpowers always so whiney? "Oh NO! I can fly and/or make fire explode out of my hands. My life as a boring normal person is over! People are going to be scared of me and call me a freak. What ever will I do!?" HOW ABOUT YOU SET THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLY AWAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE AWESOME SUPER POWERS AND THEY DON'T.

I'm so sick of emo superheroes. If I had superpowers I would use them ALL the time. And if people decided to oppress me, I'd break them over my knee and punt them into outerspace. LET'S HEAR YOU SONSOFBITCHES GUFFAW FROM SPACE. (Note: If it weren't for there being no sound in space, I would undoubtedly be able to hear their guffaws with my super hearing.)

Sports are much different in college than they were in high school. In high school sports were all about school spirit, competition, and winning. In college sports are about trying to impress other people and having something to talk about to strangers at parties. This is why you must be very careful about which sports you play on the weekends. Here is what you are saying when you pick your sport in college.

Sure, people know that smoking kills you. But can they visualize it? Maybe if they saw a crowded city street full of crying baby dolls or a hospital entrance blocked off by 70 empty stretchers they'd finally understand.

Never mind the fact that tripping over a f*cking toy on your way to work or not being able to get into a hospital is way more annoying than secondhand smoke. They can edit in little orange dots over the heads of passersby and make it look like they learned something from their little melodramatic street performance!

Besides, how would we have ever known that smoking causes cancer had some smug twenty-something not been yelling about it through a megaphone? I mean, it's not like it's written on the package or anything. Or that Generation Y has been raised in society that openly condemns it.

Boss: Jesse!

Me: Sorry boss, fell asleep.

Boss: I got up to get coffee, that's an absurd amount of time to fall asleep in. Did you get my mail yet?

Me: Yea boss, got it in .2 seconds!

Boss: I asked for this 20 minutes ago.

Me: That's improbable.

Boss: It happened. This is all my mail?

Me: Results 1-5. Here, give me those back and I'll show you the next 5.

Boss: I'd like to just look at them all at the same time. And please stop playing with that hourglass.

Me: Sorry.

Boss: Also, I see you didn't print the memo I asked you to.

Me: Yea about that...Are you sure you want to print it?

Boss: Wholly and completely.

Me: Okay it's just that...you didn't use real words. Look at this one.

Train Horn-


Train: WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT, I AM A TRAIN.

Me: Ah! Jesus, what time is it?

Train: I AM THE 3AM TRAIN OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW. DON'T GO ONTO THE TRACKS!

Me: Wha- It's three o'clock in the morning. I was asleep, in my bed. In my home.

Train: CAN'T STOP TO TALK. I HAVE TO DELIVER A VERY IMPORTANT SHIPMENT OF NOTHING AT ALL. WATCH OUT FOR ME, THE TRAIN.

Me: I am not watching out. I am going back to sleep.

Train: WE COULD TALK A LITTLE, IF YOU WANT. I AM VERY LONELY!

Dave: Bro, how crazy was last night?

Jimmy: It was nuts as balls, dude. I had no idea you could drink that much.

Dave: Fourteen Ecto Coolers in one night. I was blitzed out of my skull.

Jimmy: Oh man, you probably don't remember then...

Dave: Remember what?

Jimmy: That chick you hooked up with at the club.

Dave: What club?

Jimmy: Chuck E. Cheese.

Dave: I hooked up with someone at The Cheese!?

Jimmy: Yeah dude, that Jenny chick. The slutty one.

Dave: No way bro.

Jimmy: You two were holding hands in the ball pit like all night. You should get yourself tested, man.

The girl that lived upstairs from me in my apartment building for a year and a half without a problem recently got a boyfriend. And now she was having sex. Bed pounding, mattress creaking, climaxing so loud I had to jump out of bed and hide in the bathroom until it was over, sex. I've never actually met the girl, but if she were in a line-up and all the suspects had to turn to the left and then orgasm, I could pick her out no problem.

Other than the offensive noises, I'm most upset because upstairs girl and I had a routine. We'd both come home clomping in our high heels. And at night we'd both watch "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," on top of each other. Of course I was the only one who could hear what the two of us were doing, but my apartment building has really thin ceilings and wooden floors. So I made due by making jokes. Until now.