Nelson Greaves's Articles

Every father has his “problem child.” Adam had Cain, Laius had Oedipus and George Bush had George W. Now, I know you’re saying to yourself, “yes, but who was Father time’s problem child?”

The answer? Obviously the 21 century. The reason? Even obviouser, the marginalization of the stripper industry by internet pornography.

Because I know what it’s like to have disappointing children, I’ve taken it upon myself to right this wrong. No longer can this injustice unjustly stand. Look out internet porn. I’m about to fight razzle with dazzle.

Introducing Dazzle—home pornography service. Our women will come to your house and be sexy for you. The best part? Just like the internet, they’re free, but only for the first fifteen seconds. After that they will start manually installing viruses on your computers and coughing on your dogs and tipping over your fishbowls and family photos.

Do they come with free prescriptions of Viagra? No! Can you have sex with them? Not on your life! But, that doesn’t mean you won’t get diseases. Legally, we must say this.

If you’re too embarrassed to actually request a woman from Dazzle, no problem, sometimes when you’re ordering other products, like, groceries or a mechanic, we’ll send one of our girls along, just so they can, “pop in.” We call this service our “pop up” service because of the noise these girls make when they “pop” open your door with a crow bar. The crowbar will appear on your bill.

If you’re not 18 or have no interest in porn, Great!!! We are just the service for you. Sometimes if you misspeak, and say “Mom when’s the porn, I mean corn going to be ready,” we’ll send like thirty of these girls to your house just for the hey of it. Hope you made extra corn, ‘cause these girls are hungry.

What are the advantages of Dazzle Home Porn Service? How about spyware?DHPS guarantees to never install spyware on your computer. We believe in a more personal approach. Large men will accompany each of our girls and force you to fill out surveys indicating your interests. We like to tell our customers this is just for fun, but seriously, people will get hurt if you don’t answer the questions.

But in the end, Dazzle is just about having tons of harmless fun. Harmless fun and generous tips. Think of it this way: why make us threaten you with a crowbar that you’re going to be charged for anyway. Just fork over the money and leave the potential head trauma for tomorrow.

Dazzle home porn service, because the best types of “pictures” move around and complain about their landlords when they’re finished.

Dear everyone that I hurt:

I’ve decided, after a lot of soul-searching and on the advice of my lawyer to send out this e-mail explaining myself and apologizing. Many of you know me personally from family reunions and America's Most Wanted, but for those who don’t, I’m the father of the “monster virus” that destroyed many of your computers and bankrupted several of you fiscally—sorry.

When I first envisioned the “monster virus,” trust me when I say it was never meant to be the global killing device it turned out to be. This means whoever sent it to Europe and Asia should feel really bad cause that was never part of stage 1 of the plan.

It was part of stage 3.

In many of your hate calls, you said I was a “loser,” "the scum of the earth,” "a bad lover," "a disappointing son” and one of your calls even threatened to go to a judge if I didn’t pay my alimony. I applaud your efforts. By making your voices sound so convincingly like a judge, my ex-girlfriend, and my mom you convinced me that I deserve this kind of creative rebuke. I wronged you all.

I am told that the “monster virus” caused over 300 million dollars of damage to innocent people. All I can say is “whoa.” That’s a lot of damage.

Many of you probably wonder, why did I do it? You say, “You probably had so many hot women and fast cars, why waste your time with a virus that gets you nothing?” Well, I have a confession to make, the truth is, I don’t have fast cars. I have the fastest car, the Batmobile.

Also, if any ladies are reading, let’s just say I have a certain “super power” that you might find very “stimulating.” I can fly. But mostly, I created the virus because it took my mind off my full-time job of eradicating cancer and feeding starving children.

It wouldn't be going too far to say that this is the fault of the starving children for being so time consuming and stressing me out all the time. You may ask, “You’ve never been to a third world country, what are you talking about?” Well, the children have been to me.

By this I mean I’ve prayed for them. The Judge says this isn’t enough to get me off the hook though. On this, we’ve agreed to disagree especially since sometimes, I pray so hard, my praying muscles get all sore and then I have to create viruses to calm down.

Signed,

“Sorry” from San Quentin.

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