The following are questions that make you answer, "I think so."

- Is there a place that is half an hour ahead or behind another place? Like
a half time zone?

- Is steam also just H20?

- Could you create a billion page document on Microsoft Word?

- Is Golf an Olympic sport?

- Is Niagara Falls one of the Seven Wonders of the World?

- Is Hawaii the most southern US State?

- Did Star Wars ever win Best Picture?

- Is fire considered a gas?

- Is Vanilli dead?

- Did leprechauns ever exist?

- Did Kenny Rogers Roasters ever *officially* go out of business?

- Does anybody still worship Greek Gods?

- Could Batman beat up Superman?

- Is committing suicide illegal?

- Do, Ra, Me, Fa, ___, La, Ti, Do?

- Are you sober enough to drive home?

- Jenny's number is 343-6733, right?

- Was this article funny?

Been feeling kinda hollow lately. I was in The Infinite Pasture when, against all odds, I run into Mary. We kind of had this thing a while ago. In the words of Facebook, "it's complicated." Sorta awk at first, but after a while it felt like old times. She said we should talk again soon, but I didn't have to read her mind to know she didn't mean it. Why I can't meet a girl like her anymore? Not to toot my own horn, but I'm transcendent and handsome ;-).

It really makes you think. I just read this story about a guy who met his fiancee when he dreamed a phone number and sent a text message. I know I've messed with you mortals before, but I, not kidding, 150%, had nothing to do with this. It's soooooo weird. I exist outside the space-time continuum, and this is the kind of thing that just blows my Me-damned mind.

Oh. My. God. I am a mastermind. I am an evil genius. I am Godlike. You will never- NEVER find these eggs. There's just no way. Try. Go on, start looking. Oh yeah, yeah, on the mantle, that's a good start. ERRRR! Wrong! You think I'd hide eggs in the living room? The OBVIOUS first place you'd look? I'm not retarded kids, that's you.

Ok, ok, the kitchen. You're getting warmer, I guess. PSYCHE. Why would I tell you if you were getting warmer? You think I want you to find these eggs? Keep looking, morons.

Going outside now, eh? Finally making some good decisions. Maybe I don't have to be ashamed of you after all. Don't insult me Ben, you think I'd hide the eggs right by the steps to the porch? You'll have to crawl a lot further underneath the deck to find any eggs at all. Samantha might be on to something! But, Sam, hey- Sam, you're going to have to climb that tree MUCH higher if you want to find anything. Don't be a baby, reach for that branch. You have to commit to the climb, Sam. One more branch up...you've almost found the first egg...NOT! HAHAHA, whoops! Looks like there aren't any eggs in the tree either! Maybe you'll find a bird egg?! Idiot.

You know what, maybe we should go inside, this is pointless. Know why? Because you will NEVER find these eggs. I started planning for this in June of last year. I haven't slept in 4 days because I've been hiding and rehiding eggs. Even if you think you find the eggs, you won't have. Because I've planted dummy eggs all over the yard.

By the time you find these f*cking eggs they'll be full grown chickens! Yeah, that's right, Samantha, I didn't even boil them! If you don't find them soon all the baby chickens will die and it will be all your fault. Why are you crying? That kind of attitude never found any eggs. Man up, Samantha.

No, Ben, don't be a smartass. This isn't why your mother left. You want to know why I do this, Samantha? For the same reason I've faked my own gruesome death every Halloween for the past 4 years, for the same reason I broke both my legs and fractured my skull coming down the chimney as Santa last Christmas. I do this because I love you guys. And I'm giving you a true Holiday to remember. I love you two very much. Now go out there and find. Those. F*cking. Eggs. NOW.

Death

Cooties

Syphilis

Ugliness

Pooping your pants

Hate for the world

Unexpected boners