Susanna Wolff's Articles

2 total in December 2007

  • Acoustic Guitar Guy Vs. Guitar Hero Guy

    Acoustic Guitar Guy Guitar Hero Guy
    *Really loud sound of fingers sliding up strings* Oh, hey. Did you want to play your game in here? I can go sit in the hall and block people as they try to get to the bathroom. No, no, this is the Common Room. Let's rock what we have in common and play some sweet tunes. Come on, bro. Smoke on the Water. Let?s go! Dun da dun, dun da dun dun. So chill.
    *Swings bangs out of eyes* *Indiscreetly scratches nuts*
    C E flat F, C E flat G flat F Red yellow blue, red yellow orange blue
    *Exaggerated sigh. Disruption of bangs. Unnecessarily loud finger-sliding noise.* Star Power! I am on a f*cking roll! Hey, Girl With Laundry, come in here and watch this hundred-note streak!
    Oh, hey, I'm Jesse. This song is so easy, but it reminds me of when I taught myself to play the guitar while doing Habitat for Humanity. I just love helping people. I bet I can play this with the guitar behind my head! Do you dare me to try? I got'clink' sh*t. I could have totally done it, but my jack-off muscle just cramped up.
    Oh, yep, sure, bye. Cool to meet you. Where'd Laundry Girl go? Laaame! Clink.
    Doo, doo, daaaaaaah. *Finger squeak.* Dun, dun, dahuhuuuuun. Yes! You Rock!
    I DO rock. I do. One day my father will understand. Don't cry here. Don't cry. Put it in the music. Rockstar for shiz! Gotta send my moms that score to put in the Christmas newsletter! Cousin Huang can suck it!
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  • How to Get a Girl During Finals

    So, you got interested in this girl because you thought she might be sort of interesting and probably easy, but sometime around early November you got distracted and lazy and now you are really behind on your wooing. Well, all is not lost. Two weeks to catch up on a whole semester of seduction? Piece of cake.

    Here are the two easiest last-minute, finals-week routes to her heart: the standard come-to-my-tiny-dorm-room-to-sit-on-my-tiny-bed- and-“study” route, or the somewhat ballsier let’s-not-waste-our-youth-studying-instead-let’s-go- participate-in-a-whimsically-zany-activity route.
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    • Susanna Wolff Columbia

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