Susanna Wolff's Articles

8 total in August 2007

  • How to Get a Girl in Class


    Let’s say it’s a seminar style class. These kinds of classes put you a little closer to the On-The-Floor awkwardness, but it has the benefit of only lasting a semester.

    1. At first, you want to argue with your girl of choice. In class discussions always argue the opposite of her point. I mean, don’t be a super dick about it. Don’t try and fish a conflict out of your ass because then you just seem like a fool.

    2. About two weeks into the course, after you’ve already intelligently argued with her at least 3 times, you’ve got to get ready to come to her rescue. (So do your f*cking homework this week.) See, wait till she’s debating with someone else and starting to struggle, then jump in on her side. Say slightly aggressively to the opponent, “No, I don’t think you understand what she’s saying. She is completely right about (what she’s right about here. Make sure you know what she was trying to say).” As you finish, give her a slightly embarrassed, I-didn’t-mean-to-get-so-caught-up smile and ask if that’s what she meant. It is. Now you’re on a team.
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  • How to Get a Girl from Your Dorm Floor


    To begin, it is a horrible idea to hook up with a girl from your floor. You will have to see her multiple times a day all year and every other person on the floor will be in your business. That said, if the school year is nearing the end and you’ve gotten kind of friendly (but not, like, friends) with a girl on your floor, go for it. Here’s how:

    1. One really stand-out way to get a girl in your room without using the cliche come-watch-a-movie line (which makes it very clear that you’re making a move and could scare her away) is the Where Is That Beep Coming From maneuver. Creating the beep is easy: tape an alarm clock outside your window. You’ll need a strong electrical tape and you run the risk of losing your alarm clock, but it works. Once that’s going, close the window, Febreze your room, get rid of your roommate, and go ask your girl from the hall for help.
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  • How to Get a Girl at a Party


    A party is where you’ll do most of your girl fishing, but, unfortunately, it’s the most complicated place to really get a girl. Sure sometimes you can snag a wallflower ug for a bit of smooching and a grope, but really, at least pretend you’re not that desperate. Jeez, this is an instruction manual; aim high.


    1. Ok, you have to look good. I mean, hotness is preferable, but that’s not what I mean by “look good.” For instance, lobster looks like a big, gross, cockroach of the sea, but you’ll order it because you know it will taste awesome. You could be the lobster.
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  • How to Get a Girl in the Dining Hall

    This is a tricky environment. You can’t assume anything about the personality of a girl in the dining hall because, you know, everyone eats at least a little. (And especially freshman year since you’re forced to buy absurd meal plans.) That said, there are still two factors to judge when honing your dining hall target: what she’s eating and what she looks like. You’ll know your type better than I will so I’ll just skip the search and get to the wooing.

    1. Don’t just plunk down at the girl’s table. Only a handful of guys could pull that off and chances are, you’re not A.C. Slater.

    2. Instead, sit at an adjacent table (with at least one friend) and then talk audibly but without yelling.
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  • How to Get a Girl in a Library

    In order to actually “get” a girl one must engage in an elaborate charade of absurd tricks and maneuvers in order to finally get your faces close enough to either kiss or have her push you away and go laugh about That-Weird-Guy-Who-Tried-to-Kiss-Her-With-His-Tongue-Already-Out to her friends. Sorry. Girls are mean and dumb. As a consolation, though, in honor of Orientation Week, I’m going to betray my gender and give some true (really, these aren’t jokes), comprehensive ways to get a girl in the 5 main locations on campus: the library, the dining hall, a party, your hall, and in class. Good luck.

    How to Get a Girl in a Library:


    The library is predominantly a quiet place, as you may have heard. So, picking up girls while they are trying to study quietly can be a little tricky. Here’s how to do it:
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  • Getting the Message

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  • What You're Saying With Your Writing Implement

    Clicky-Top Pen:


    Fancy Schmancy Pen:
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  • At the Door

    Oh f*ck. He's asking for I.D.

    I don't have any I.D. Somebody told me I.D. wasn't going to be a problem. I know I didn't make that up. Like 94% sure. If I knew I was going to have a problem I would have dressed differently. I would have put on the I-can-drink-legally quota of eye makeup and I wouldn't have let my hair get so messy. Sh*t, I must look like a 6th grader. Damn this humidity for making my bangs frizzy.

    What's my birthday? He wants to know my birthday.
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    • Susanna Wolff Columbia

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