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Disclaimer: Tweets are chronologically backwards for the sake of readability

Let's face it, you're a busy human being. Between sleeping in and putting it off, you've barely had time to come up with a good Halloween costume this year. Thank God we're here to help. Here are a few quick and easy Halloween costumes that are sure to make people go "oh, that's kind of funny I guess..."!


What you need

• Sheet
  
• Scissors
• Legs
  
• Heels
  

Tips for "selling it"

• Make sure to yell "boo" at least once during orgasm
  

What you need

• Too-tight T-shirt with stupid pattern on it
• Too-tight jeans
• Hair gel
• Imported beer
• Cigarette
• Scarf

Tips for "selling it"

• Scoff at most things people say
• Dance with your hands only, no hips
• Be generally obnoxious and dismissive of American customs

What you need

• Filthy dress shirt
  
• Loose necktie
  
• Bottle of whiskey
  
• Red blush for gin blossoms on nose and cheeks (or just rub your face raw all night, you'll probably be too drunk to feel it)
  

Tips for "selling it"

• Hit on younger girls
  
• Request Billy Ocean songs all night
  
• Pretend your excessive drinking is "just part of the costume"

Bill: Hello, new acquaintance.

Dave: Hey, neighbor, can I ask you something?

Bill: City hall. Rain cloud. Dollar sign.

Dave: Um, yeah. Listen, I really need a friend. My boss says I can't get promoted until I get one and learn something about cooking. Life in politics is not what I imagined.

Bill: Soccer ball. Earth. Ghost!

Dave: Uh...huh.

Bill: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Pause.

Dave: So....you watch any sports or anything?

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Um, no thanks. I only ask because my TV only gets four channels, and they all speak this non-sense jibberish language. It's so weird.

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Uh, still no, thanks.

Bill: Tickle!

Dave: Haaaa...very funny. That was not at all awkward.

Bill: We're friends now.

It's Halloween again, which means it's time to try and come up with some ideas for an original costume that will entertain your friends, seduce your crushes and devastate your rivals. But please, during your quest for the perfect outfit, stay away from these five costumes. Chances are, they'll be all over the place.

What better way to pay homage to Maurice Sendak's timeless work than by dressing up like the main character, getting drunk and throwing up all over yourself? With the recently-released "Wild Things" movie enjoying huge popularity, there are sure to be more than a few homemade Max/wolf costumes this year. It's easy, it's comfortable and it lets the wearer feel edgy and hip without the fear of actually alienating anyone.

Better Suggestion: Build a 12-foot animatronic "Wild Thing" puppet and pay James Gandolfini to record every possible response you would say at a party. Wear the puppet and communicate using only the pre-taped lines.

Interior - The Spooky Old House Up the Block - Halloween Night
The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.

Mrs. Wilkins: Tonight's the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall take my revenge on the children of this town with razor blade-laced apples to spoil their goodie bags!

Hugo: Meow.

Doorbell rings. Mrs. Wilkins opens her front door, clutching a bowl of goodies.

Tommy and Lucy: Trick or Treat!

Mrs. Wilkins: Hello, little children. Would you like some candy? A Snickers bar? Some Nerds? Or perhaps an innocent, succulent APPLE!

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Snickers bar!

Lucy: Yay! Nerds!

Mrs. Wilkins: Yeah, um... so no one wants the apple? Hmm? Anyone?

Lucy: No thanks! Bye, Mrs. Wilkins!

Mrs. Wilkins: No, wait! Hang on. I really think you kids should take this apple.

Tommy: Why?

Mrs. Wilkins: Why? Why? Because it's Halloween, that's why. This is a treat. You're trick-or-treaters. When I was a kid, I would have given anything for a juicy red apple like this. You could even say... I'd die for it.

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Apples are gross.

At first, you may mistake this guy for an unusually thick intern. But once he parks himself behind his executive credenza and starts bawling about his email client, your ego will be piledrived by the horrible truth: this flailing man-child is your boss.

Odds are you'll never get to your real job, since you'll spend every moment helping this special-needs supervisor send "eMemos" through his "BlogBerry." Why has someone who can't understand how a mouse works been given control over other human beings? Maybe it's fate, or maybe it's because your entire life is the subject of Japan's #1 Hidden Camera Prank Show: "Happy Go Go Dream-Crushing: American Youth Has Maximum Aneurysm With Peanut Sauce."

You May Already Know Him: In college, he was the guy outside your window at 4AM screaming "Why isn't the food court open?" and sobbing while he tugged on the door handle.

Has anyone else already eaten like an entire bag of candy corn?  No, just me?  K cool.

On to bag #2!

This week in an interview, the director of American Psycho talked about how Christian Bale's portrayal of Patrick Bateman was inspired by Tom Cruise.  Most flattering thing said about Tom Cruise in years?  He'll take it!*

*I don't speak for Tom Cruise. (IDLYITW)

Hilary Duff is shooting a movie in NYC this week, and if you can get past the worst outfit in the world, you'll notice that said outfit is not nearly warm enough for the current NYC weather.  See?  Mother Nature IS on your side.  Her and Nationwide. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nicole Kidman addressed Congress this week, where she accused Hollywood of casting women as sex objects, thus perpetuating violence against them.  Reminding every member of Congress to add Eyes Wide Shut to their Netflix. (WWTDD)

Paris Hilton filmed a cameo for Will Ferrell's upcoming 'The Other Guys' this week, and for her one day on set demanded both live lobsters and a bottle of Grey Goose.  Will Ferrell, on the other hand, simply demanded to know who cast Paris Hilton. (WWTDD)

After working with partners Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright to create a successful British sitcom (Spaced) and two hit feature films

(Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz), Nick Frost now appears as '60s DJ Doctor Dave in the upcoming Pirate Radio. He's also a charming, soft-spoken Brit, and I encourage you to read this interview with his voice in your head.

Your character in this film, Dave, could be quite the sexual role model for full-figured men.

I think I'm going to be asked to appear on the cover of "All American Bear".  It's pretty brave of Richard (Curtis, the director) to cast a 20 stone man in a romantic role. It's not everyday you get to just wander around naked and people don't give a sh*t.

Tom Sturridge (the film's lead) said the one scene he'd always remember was being naked with you in a tiny boat bathroom.

If you had to show an alien race how different the human form can be I think Tom would be at one end and I'd be at the other. If you get the Blu-Ray version and pause, you will see a sliver of nut. Two hands couldn't contain my range.

This film is a love letter to 1960s rock. Were you familiar with the era's music?

Growing up, my big love was house music. I was 15 or 16, going to raves and not going to school like naughty boy. In the first week of the film, I said to Richard, "I've never listened to a Rolling Stones record, don't tell anyone." And he immediately told Bill Nighy - he's a massive Stones nut - and Bill told me off for 5 minutes.

*Special thanks to Sara P. for submitting these*