Thanksgiving is coming up, and you know what that means: it's time to break up.Whether you're a freshman who foolishly tried to keep a high school relationship going or you're a senior whose girlfriend suddenly decided she wanted to date someone "mature" and "employed," there's a pretty good chance you're getting dumped this holiday season. Just so you're not caught off guard, here are the emotional stages that you will undoubtably experience.

Immediately, you'll find yourself unable to understand why the relationship can't be salvaged. Well, for one you probably shouldn't have been "finishing up" Xbox Live for 3 hours when she came over those last few times. Whatever you do, don't set your facebook relationship status to "It's complicated". Everyone knows what that means.
Mope, mope, mope! To get the best out of your denial you'll need to torture yourself with as much solitary confinement as possible. How else can you accurately and repeatedly replay the happiest moments of your life when you had a girlfriend?

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Eventually all those feelings you still have for your ex will gave way to pure irrational hatred. Phew! You'll be feeling resentful towards her for ever being selfish enough to dump you. I mean, what kind of bitch does that two weeks before your birthday? Bet she hadn't even thought to get you a present.
In this step, it's all about revenge. You know when her class schedule is, sneak into her room and smash stuff. Leave threatening notes. If she has any pets, killing them is a good idea. If possible, maim them instead to such an extent where she'll then have to kill them out of kindness. Double Whammy!

Going home for Thanksgiving is great. Great, that is, unless your parents moved to a different town as soon as you left for college. But that's okay! You can still enjoy all the great traditions of going home for Thanksgiving...just, in a 'not home' way.

Home	Not Home
Head to the local bar, where most of your senior class still congregates over Thanksgiving. Catch up with old friends, drink beers, and exchange looks over John Fibroni's new rattail.	Head to the local bar and fake indignation that no one remembers you from the high school you didn't actually go to. Explain how you dropped out to get a record deal with your Guns N' Roses coverband, 'Rockin' on Heaven's Door.' Get belligerent.
Catch up with an ex for a coffee and turn that coffee into naked coffee.	See a cute girl at the video store and rack your brain for a funny, charming way to ask her out for coffee. Then remember that you rode there on your bike from middle school and leave quietly.
Spend some quality time with your parents before meeting up with your buddies for your annual 'Wham Bam Thank You Yam' party.	Spend some quality time with your parents, then play board games with your parents, then watch your mom's favorite movie ('The Lakehouse') with your parents. Then, just when you thought they were going to bed, get stuck in a two hour conversation about finances with your parents.

After getting her start in hit web series like The Jeannie Tate Show and ESPN's Mayne Street (she's also appeared in a CollegeHumor video or two), Aubrey Plaza currently appears in NBC's Parks and Recreation. She recently finished shooting Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead). She made her feature debut this summer opposite Seth Rogen in Funny People, which comes out on DVD this week. She also wouldn't mind if you followed her on Twitter. 

In Funny People, you play a stand-up. You hadn't done stand-up before the movie, correct?

The first time I did it was in Queens. I did do it just for the film - I had met with Judd and I knew the only obstacle was that I wasn't a real stand-up. Then, when I was cast, I came out to L.A. and had to immediately start doing shows with the rest of the cast. I kind of got thrown into it, but I really liked it so I kept doing it. I'm still doing it now.

You came up through the UCB Theatre - how do you feel about the relationship between stand-up and improv?

Improv is obviously collaborative because you have support and people around you. For me, stand-up is terrifying and really, really hard and scary because it's all on you and your delivery and what you're writing and how you're saying it and everything so it's kind of unapologetic.

Stand-ups will spend hours writing and rehearsing a joke to make it sound organic, improv is always that way.

Totally. In terms of what I like, I think I like improvising more. I don't like planned things, but I like writing too. It's a good exercise for your comedy brain to write stand-up jokes and see how they work.

1. Tell your friends all the crazy college stories you have accumulated over the first semester. Tell them with such a passion that one might mistake them for the modern day "Gulliver's Travels".

2. When you have finally shared all of your stories do not waste your time listening to anyone else's.

3. Show your friends how much street cred you earned at school with your newly acquired sailor mouth, Marc Ecko jeans, and fitted hat of baseball team you don't follow.

4. Berate your friends for not smoking enough weed.

5. Show your friends the Facebook profiles of all the girls you hooked up with.

6. Show your friends the Facebook profiles of all the girls you want them to think you hooked up with.

7. Ask your friends why they haven't visited you at school yet and when they plan on coming.

8. Use playful banter to point out which friends gained weight, just like in the beer commercials.

9. Brag about the free Asher Roth concert your school is hosting.

10. Explain how the "Ten Crack Commandments" changed your life.

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Well guys, like that Michael Jackson movie says, this is it.  The last Pop Culture QuickNotes ever.  *a single tear in the shape of Lindsay Lohan falls*

Let's dig in!

Johnny Depp was named the Sexiest Man Alive this week by People magazine.  See Johnny?  That's better than any dumb Oscar. (IDLYITW)

While in London this week, Beyonce booked two hotel rooms - one for herself, and one for her luggage.  Unfortunately, the luggage got two twin beds instead of a queen and hoo boy, you should have seen the luggage.  It was livid.  The luggage will never stay in that hotel again, no sir. (Celebslam)

Martha Stewart started shit with Rachel Ray this week, saying that she 'cannot bake' and is 'more of an entertainer.'  Oh snap!  I can't wait to see what polite insults Rachel Ray has up her sleeves!  (Which, for the record, Martha thinks are 'a bit flashy.') (Celebslam)

Megan Fox did a photoshoot for the New York Times (I know, what?) this week, and surprise surprise, she's super flexible.  She also loves steak, Matchbox cars, video games and doing butt stuff. (Popoholic)

Sometimes the employees of a company are so consistent in the way they perform a certain task, it seems that's how they must have been trained.  Here, without naming names, are these companies' employee manuals...probably.

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The Wikipedia
This self-important, impressionable young man can usually be found at parties. He's the one wearing slightly more formal clothes than everyone else. Eager for social acceptance, he relies on his admittedly impressive knowledge of several interesting subjects to connect with guys and girls alike, before ruining it all when he takes things just that one step too far. "Did you know Paul McCartney isn't really alive?" He'll ask, frantically gazing into your eyes praying not to see that flicker of doubt he's so used to seeing. No, no I didn't know that, Wikipedia Boy. And neither do you.
Watch out for: Vandalism. As long as you're cooler than him, he'll believe and recycle anything you say.

The Digg
This guy's alright. No, really. He's pretty cool. He knows what's what when it comes to "stuff". It sounds stupid but "stuff" is an important facet of everyday life. We need this guy when we don't even know it. We're bored and tired and we want something funny/disgusting/interesting to watch or read and here's Digg, coming to the rescue with his always inspired (though sometimes a little dated) material.
Watch out for: The betrayal. Feel like showing digg something YOU found? Better hope it's not something he dislikes or has seen before. Be warned.

It's a well-known fact that guys like to name their junk. Balls, shaft, the whole package. Celebrities are no different. Through extensive personal research, I managed to compile this list of celebs and the nicknames that they have for their bits and pieces.

NOTE: In case it's not clear, balls are listed first. Of course.

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons:
Itchy, Scratchy, Bleeding Gums Murphy











Robert DeNiro, actor:
The Untouchables, Raging Bull

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Happy Veteran's Day, everyone!  I hope you all played a lot of Modern Warfare 2 to honor our troops.   Nothing says 'thank you' quite like a predator missile.

FRAG OUT!

This week on Gossip Girl, the controversial, much-talked-about threesome finally took place.  And it included a grand total of three PG kisses (watch here).  Lame.  If you want me, I'll be watching True Blood, where someone f*cks every single episode. (Egotastic)

Last week, rumors hit of a Jennifer Lopez sex tape.  This week, we learned that the tape (made when JLo was 28), features JLo in skimpy clothing and, more importantly, fighting with her mother.  EVERY MAN'S FANTASY! (WWTDD)

Jets receiver Braylon Edwards was denied this week, after Rihanna refused a $10,000 bottle of champagne that he sent to her table.  So Rihanna is like the New Orleans Saints in this scenario?  Or the Dolphins?  Or the Bills, I can't decide. (Celebslam)

Nicolas Cage owes $6 million in back taxes and is now suing his money manager.  Because I'm sure his money manager is the one who told him to buy two yachts, a jet, three castles, two islands, 12 mansions and a dinosaur skull. (IDLYITW)

With the holidays approaching, what do you get the Always Sunny fan who has everything? Here are a few ideas inspired by some of our favorite episodes. Mom, I hope you're reading.

1) Greenman Suit
Inspired by: America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest (also, The Gang Gets Invincible)
The ultimate gift for an Always Sunny Fan. Be prepared to see more of your friend's crotch than you ever hoped to see.

2) Fight Club
Inspired by: Hundred Dollar Baby
The movie that inspired the episode that inspired this gift idea. Phewf.

3) Poker Chip Set
Inspired by: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody
Give your friend the tools he needs to set up his own Vietnamese gambling ring in the basement. Just make sure those tools don't include guns.

4) Lifesize Cutouts of Sinbad and Rob Thomas
Inspired by: Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life
Your friend will probably hate you for this a few months down the road, but for now, you are the king of giving presents.

5) Magnet
Inspired by: The Waitress Is Getting Married
Magnets, the ultimate hobby. For bonus points, boil a steak in honey and milk.