Lauren's Articles

8 total in July 2007

  • Goofus Cop, Gallant Cop

    by Lauren July 30, 2007
    Goofus eats the last donut in the station breakroom without asking or sharing.

    Gallant asks if anyone wants the last donut. Then he breaks it in half and shares it with Mac, the gruff but lovable police chief.

    Goofus comes in late, missing the morning briefing.

    Gallant arrives 15 minutes early, bringing a fresh box of donuts.

    Goofus turns on his siren to speed through a traffic jam.

    Gallant patiently waits his turn.

    Goofus hits suspects with his bare fists. He hits them on the face.

    Gallant hits suspects with his baton. He hits them on the body, where the marks won't show.

    Goofus likes his job. He gets to carry a gun.

    Gallant likes his job. He gets to carry a gun.
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  • What a Horrible Day!

    by Lauren July 24, 2007

    By Mrs. Cynthia Usher-Neuman-Terwilliger
    Professional Lady-Who-Lunches.


        Marguerite, you wouldn't believe the day I've had. It's all been so stressful! Well, first of all, Nanny Consuela called and said she had a doctor's appointment, something about 'growth', blah blah, 'spreading to the brain', blah blah. I can barely understand the woman, her accent is SO thick! She's Guatamexican or something, I don't know what her real name is... Hmm? That's because I call ALL my staff Consuela, even the men. It makes it easier for me; I can't be bothered with unimportant details like names.

        So I'm left in the house with the baby which is crying and dirty and trying to touch my Rochas dress with its paws. Thankfully, the rest of my staff of Consuelas arrived about 15 endless minutes later, so I escaped out to the club. But once I'm there, I'm forced to make a decision about what color paint George wanted for our yacht, SS Conspicuous Consumption . I nearly CRIED from the stress but, because of the Botox, my tears got sucked back into my head.

        THEN I remembered I was lunching with Aubriana Charles-DuPont this afternoon. I rushed over to Alain Ducasse as fast as Driver Consuela could go. We hit a hard bump, I think it was a Mexican man selling ice pops from a cart because I could hear the bells when the Lexus ran it over, and I bashed my hand against the wall and broke a nail while trying to keep my Perrier from spilling!!! So I rush in looking quite frightful and...well... middle class. I know, right? Ewwww. Then Aubriana tells me that my son Gyeoffreey stabbed her son Fauntleroy with his silver spoon!

        Great Gucci's Ghost, I'm taking a week off at Le Suck et Tuck Spa to recover. Honestly, Margie, being a stay-at-home mother is absolutely EXHAUSTING.
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  • Madlibs Branches Out into Poetry (12-year olds everywhere delight)

    by Lauren July 18, 2007

    O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our gross trip is done;
    The uterus has weather'd every rack, the vagina we sought is won;
    The port is near, the butthole I hear, the hooker all exulting,
    While juggle eyes the steady keel, the vessel poopy and daring:
    But O heart! titties! heart!
    O the bleeding penis of red,
    Where on the deck my booger lies,
    Fallen Jimmy is stupid! and dead.

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  • Who Are We Allowed to Discriminate Against?

    by Lauren July 18, 2007

    Thanks to this namby-pamby, hippie, civil rights, sappho-feminazi bullshit, we're not allowed to discriminate against race, gender, age, handicap, pregnancy, national origin, or sexual orientation. Which REALLY takes the fun out of hiring and firing people.

    So, who/what are we still allowed to discriminate against?

    • smokers
    • redheads
    • people with rhyming names like Betty Moretti or Shannon O'Hannon.
    • people with the same name as celebrities.
    • wall-eyes (both fish AND people)
    • women fond of the comic strip 'Cathy'
    • nasally New England accents
    • people that still keep "Kerry '04" bumper stickers on their car (Mom).
    • redheads again.
    • xenophobes
    • people with excess nose hair AND people that don't realize that there's a booger hanging from said nose hair.
    • Xenophobic New England redhead wall-eyed smokers named Shannon O'Hannon that enjoy Cathy and don't bother wiping their nose.
    • badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers mushrooms mushrooms badgers badgers badgers badgers snaaaaakes snaaaaaakes.
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  • Chicago Bears

    by Lauren July 16, 2007


    *Click of a tape recorder*

    *whisper* My name is Jimmy Doherty, it's Tuesday, 8 am, and I'm searching for the elusive Chicago Bear. I've come to a certain area of the forest, near Cicero, where locals have reported witnessing these bears. I've set up camp and I'm ready. I've hung an Old Style sign on a nearby tree in the hopes of luring one of these noble Midwestern beasts.

    *Click off. Click on again*

    It's about 10 pm Tuesday now, and I've spotted my first creature, a Superbowl Chicago Bear (the mightiest of the breed!). It shuffled on down to my campground, lured by snacks and eager to strut its stuff for everyone. Initially disappointed with such a small turnout, the Superbowl Bear began to nose around my portable refrigerator. He may be large, but he's no dumb cookie; he knows food is in there. I'll name him "The Fridge".

    *Click. Click*

    It's 11:30 Tuesday and I'm getting nervous. The Fridge left at about 10:30 tonight but came back at 11:00 with some more of his Superbowl friends. I don't think they came here looking for trouble, but rather, they came to do the Superbowl Shuffle (a ritual native to this breed) and eat. They keep bragging about their strength, their speed, their dancing ability and their prowess with the ladies.

    Walter Paytonbear brought a boombox that only plays a scratchy beat with occasional keytar flourishes. The Chicago bears love it, and play it constantly. Occasionally, one of them will leap to the front of the group and do a little talk-rap, while the others sway side to side (this must be the Superbowl Shuffle they mentioned). For all the Bears' bragging, the Shuffle is one of the most awkward, uncoordinated dances ever.

    *Click. Click*

    It's Wednesday and... the Bears are beginning to turn on me, I think. They've gathered around me in a circle... pointing and clapping awkwardly. Oh god, the headband-sporting McMahonbear is trying to rap, it's terrible!

    I tried to escape, but Mike Ditkabear shoved me back into the circle. I...aghhh...

    *thud of tape recorder dropping. Jimmy's voice is still audible*

    Please, I didn't come to start no trouble. Be reasonable. Please. I didn't mean to mess around in your neighborhood. Please. I'm begging you.  Can't we all do the Superbowl Shuffl- huuuurrrfffh.  Auuugh, Bears! Chicago Bears! Bearsssss!


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  • Recalled Milton Bradley Games

    by Lauren July 15, 2007
    • Meh! - The Game of Apathy and... something something. Ugh.
    • Sign Here and Fill This Out in Triplicate - The Game of Strategy and Bureaucratic Red Tape. Did You Bring Photo I.D?
    • Small 'N Pointies - The Easily Swallowed Toy!
    • Build Your Own Circus Freakshow (bed of nails included)
    • Lil' Brown (Moonshine) Jug - Appalachian Home Distillery in a Box!
    • Crowded Morgue - The Tetris-like Game of Body-Stacking
    • Reinforcing Gender Roles - Pretty Pink Princesses/ Burly Blue Policemen Edition.
    • Let the Neighbors Handle Fluffy: Dead Cat on a String
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  • Irrelevant Nostalgia at $25 a pop!

    by Lauren July 11, 2007
    Is it time to Switch to a Novelty T-shirt?
    • Pestered by pesky "dignity"?
    • Are you tired of having a sensible wardrobe populated with plain t-shirts and crisp, clean button-ups?
    • Do you like groan-inducing puns or jokes that garner a single laugh?
    • Remember that one thing from the 80's? Do ya? With the guy and the song? Remember?
    • Do you enjoy nostalgia that even a Bedford Avenue hipster would dismiss as "too kitschy"?
    • Do you want people to know that you are, in fact, with Stupid?
    • Is the idea of rapidly outdated pop-culture references appealing to you?

    And most importantly:
    • Do you want to be the dude that no one makes eye contact with? The guy that people avoid in the hallway, for fear of having to talk to you?
    ______________________________________________________________


        If you answered 'yes' to one or more questions, it's time to talk to your doctor
    about Novelty T-Shirts.

        Slipped over the body through patented "sleeves" and "neckhole", it immediately relieves you of any back-cramping 'dignity' and lets people know that, no, it's not going to suck itself! Yes, you'll drink until she's cute! And yes, Bush is a Fascist dictator hellbent on brainwashing us and eating our souls!

    Novelty Shirts:  Because Everything's Funnier When It's Printed on Poly-Cotton Blend.



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  • Susan B. Anthony Will Eat Your Soul...

    by Lauren July 02, 2007


    Frightened by the flash of the camera, the famous Suffragette hissed and whirled away into the night shortly after the photo was taken.

    Keep Reading


    See More: Susan B. Anthony BRAINS!
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Lauren
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Takin' retards to the zoo.

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