Legend...wait for it...ofzelda!

Link: Huzzah! I've conquered innumerable foes, overcome impossible odds, trekked far and wide, come to the brink of death, defeated the unstoppable Ganon, and saved the fair princess!

Zelda: Yes, and for years to come, people will speak of the Legend of Zelda!

Link: Yes, the Legend of...what?

Zelda: Zelda - the legendary princess who was kidnapped and braved being trapped for a while until some elf guy saved her!

Link: I...I think you have this backwards. I'm the one who did all of the exciting stuff that would be considered legendary. It'll be the legend of Link that everyone talks about.

Zelda: Ugh, Link? That's not even a real name. Nope, that legend's all about Zelda.

Link: But...you didn't do anything.

Showgirls:

Int: Showgirls Strip Club. A sexy cowgirl finishes her lasso routine.

DJ: All right, fellas, give one last yippee-kai-yay to Veronica!

Customers: Wooo!

DJ: Next up we have.... we have... oh no, oh jesus god no, not again... ahem, I said, next up we have the slim and sexy Cassandra!

Cassandra enters.

Customers: (screams, gagging noises)

DJ:Cassandra is 20 years old and her hobbies include being the only one-legged, no-armed stripper at Showgirls. She's all woman, folks. Well... actually, she's like... thirty-five percent of a woman, but what parts of her the sharks didn't take off are still... are still... please, I don't want to read this...

Customer 1: I think I'm going to throw up.

Customer 2: You just threw up!

Customer 1: I think I'm going to throw up forever.

---

Graduation. A time of unprecedented joyousness, when you finally leave the college bubble and go out into the real world, starting illustrous new careers in exciting new places amongst interesting new people. And to honor this exciting time, here's a graduation word search with clues that are as promising as your future. Congratulations, graduate.  For you, anything is possible.



Answers after the jump!

Commander: Lt., what the hell happened out there? I'm getting reports of massive causalities from all units. I thought we were up against just one man!

Lt.: Yes, sir. It was a massacre.

Commander: What's this I'm hearing about an explosion? I wasn't aware Bond had gained access to our explosives.

Lt.: He hadn't, sir. Lt.  Smith was pursuing the target armed only with proximity mines- just throwing them right at him. Things got ugly when Smith got stuck in a corner. Damn things blew him straight to high hell.

Commander: Of all the unbelievable-

Lt.: Smith had never been to that level before, sir, and those corners are difficult to spot. It wasn't really fair.

Coach: Alright guys, we're down by six with exactly enough time left on the clock for that crazy trick play I taught you which no one understood at the time but everyone now realizes is perfectly suited for our current situation. Now, I know a lot of you gave up hope for the season after our incredibly talented yet cocky star quarterback got injured during our first game, but through a combination of me alienating my wife by focusing too much on the team and a series of inspirational montages we managed to make it this far, and by God I'm not about to give up now!

Person who doesn't understand the word "fiction"

Though they have changed their main character's name, the story seems eerily familiar. Maybe it's because it is a longer rendition of their Facebook status. Come on, we all know you are writing your life verbatim, which makes reading about Uncle Jeff touching the narrator that much more awkward for the rest of the class. I understand that taking this class might be cheaper than therapy, but in therapy at least you probably won't have to defend yourself as a reliable narrator or not.

Excerpt: "Shmichael Shmo'Reilly liked to pretend he was a tough guy, but in reality, even as he writes this, he is crying while masturbating to pictures of his ex-girlfriend."

Dear Mr. Peever,

Thank you very much for your letters. The Discovery Channel welcomes all types of feedback from its dedicated fans and seriously considers all recommendations. However, at this time we are unfortunately not able to honour your numerous requests and will not be expanding our famous Shark Week.

While the prospects of "Shark Month" and "Shark Semester" are enticing, we still feel that well-rounded and informative programming is more conducive to our mission. Your subsequent request of a "Shark Fortnight" was an improvement, but we're still confident that one week out of the year devoted entirely to sharks is enough.

I was in a gas station because I needed a pack of Kool Kings.  In line in front of me was a retarded midget.  And I mean really retarded, as in mentally disabled.  Now, I am lacking in every midget-appropriate social grace known to man.  I have no idea how to behave when a midget, or otherwise tiny person, is nearby.  I often confuse them with children and speak to them as such.   Add retarded to the mix, and I'm outright socially crippled.  Additionally, after all this time, I'm still not sure if this retarded midget was a girl or a boy, or a man or a woman.  I am just going to refer to her as "her" because it's easier that way.  Just keep in mind that she might have been a he.  

She had no hair.  Just peach fuzz on top of her head.  She appeared to have a cold, which was creating a mess of mucus on her face.  She was attempting to purchase a Pepsi, but she was 48 cents short.  I happened to be holding, in my hand, two quarters.  She was fumbling around for a few minutes, trying to locate 48 cents, and I was standing behind her holding the two quarters. 

Allow me to start by explaining that I am a college-educated, liberal male in his early twenties from a family of hardcore Democrats, who feels that Barack Obama will lead this great nation into a new age of peace and prosperity. However, I am also someone who enjoys being entertained. For this reason, I am voting for John McCain to be President of The United States, and I urge you all to follow my example. The reasons for why I am voting for John McCain are numerous, complex, and entirely stupid. Here are just a few of them:

You have 'til the count of three to come down from that coffee table, mister. What happens at three is a mystery to you. I could spank you, I suppose. Three swift smacks to the bottom, you run crying to your room, and ten minutes later you've forgotten everything that happened. Feel lucky if you are spanked. You won't get spanked, though. Perhaps something telekinetic happens at three. Do you know that word, telekinetic? It means that Santa might find out you've been bad and you'll receive inferior toys for Christmas. Orphanage toys. You know, board games that involve spelling, things carved out of wood, yo-yo's. No Nintendo Wii after three, one might say.

Now consider this: What if someone you love is directly affected by your actions? Imagine standing on the coffee table, then, without warning, Snuffleupagus decides to sit on Big Bird's head. His cranium collapses and confetti flies everywhere, because puppets have confetti instead of brains. Wouldn't that be a shame? Kevy Wevy is too stubborn to come down from the table and, well, bye bye birdie. Gordon will be crying, Grover will be crying, Telly will be crying. Guy Smiley will choke back tears while delivering the report on their preposterous puppet news show. All will be sad. Will people want to be your friend when you go back to school on Monday? Hardly. Where will your little mutinous spirit be when you have to play with the leg brace kid at recess?

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Jason Michaels is the Virgin Mobile Summer Intern. Read his blog HERE