Step 1: Change your name to something awesome. My name used to be Vincent Merkin-Jachowicz but that was a disaster on four counts because it was nerdy, unpronounceable, pubic, and Jewish. That’s no way to win. So I changed it to Vinny Jordan. It’s got nickname potential out the butt an d it really rolls off the tongue. Take that Xuxu Lin-Yeoung.

Step 2: When you are asked to say something you enjoy that starts with the first letter of your name (and you will be asked this) don’t say anything that’s sexual, about parties, or boring. But, above all, don’t shrug and mumble that you don’t know. Yeah, I’m talking to you Xuxu, you awkward f*ck.

Step 3: Truth: Two-truths-and-a-lie is the stupidest f*cking game that orientation leaders have ever come up with. Why do you care if people you don’t even know are lying to you? The chance that you will actually become friends with any of the 7-15 people in your grass-stained-ass circle is about 1 in 500 hundred (depending on the size of the student body. And the size of the student’s body! Am I right, bro? Am I right? You know it)

So, in honor of this moronic game, I’m just going to lay out your instructions point blank:

1. My name is not Vinny Jordan.
2. I own a piece of the Agro Crag.
3. This is the lie.

Check and mate. Try spewing some genius like that, Xuxu, you stupid f*cking pile of gay dog sh*t.

Step 4: If you think that there’s a chance that, even with these comprehensive and ingenious tips, you won’t win at icebreakers, just skip the orientation activities. What are they going to do, give you detention? Listen up, chump, there are only two words you need to know to win at college: F*ck It.

SIDE NOTES:

• Can I be an astronaut, but without all that training and crap?
• Even though I already know the answer, just to be 100% sure, I mean I'm really just asking this for my stupid little brother, the moon is not made out of cheese, right?
• When you fart in your space suit, do you have to keep smelling it the whole time you're in space? If no, where does it go? Does your butt have it's own compartment just for farts?
  
• Is it scary going into space and knowing that your life is in grave danger and that something can go wrong at literally any moment?
• If we didn't fake the Moon landing, why can't we see Neil Armstrong's face in any of the photos? And don't give me any of that "helmet" nonsense.
• When you fart in your space-suit, who do you blame it on?
• I've had tang. It's very good.
  
• Why do you put your life in the hands of other people? What are they, rocket scientists?
• Does it bother you that you can't smell the moon?