Full Benefits: The Break-Up

By

Sarah Schneider and David Young

          INT. BEDROOM - WHITE SHEETS/WHITE COMFORTER

          David is in bed with Sarah.

                              DAVID
                    I'm so glad things are over with
                    Rachel. I missed this.

                              SARAH
                    I missed this, too. Now hurry up
                    and sex me, because we have dinner
                    plans with Patrick Duffy and
                    Suzanne Somers.

                              DAVID
                    Ah, I love Patrick - wait a minute.

          A quick flash to white, then:

          INT. BEDROOM - COLORED COMFORTER

          David wakes up with a start. He's in bed with Rachel.

                              RACHEL
                    Morning sleepy. You fell asleep
                    watching Step-by-Step again. And
                    guess what I got you? A new
                    Build-A-Bear!

          David looks back up to the ceiling and sighs.

          INT. OFFICE - MORNING

          David heads to his desk and notices a POST-IT on his
          computer. It reads "Come to the mattress closet. -Sarah".

          INT. OFFICE - OUTSIDE MATTRESS CLOSET DOOR

          David knocks. Sarah opens it and steps out a little.

                              SARAH
                    Hey good, you got my note. So last
                    night I was watching Step-by-Step,
                    and it was the episode where Al
                    gets dumped and goes to the dance
                    with Steve Urkel.

                              DAVID
                         (under his breath)
                    Seamless crossover.
                         (beat)
                    Is that what this is about?

                              SARAH
                    No, I just thought you might have
                    seen it.

                              DAVID
                    Ch-yah. I loved it.

                              SARAH
                    I knew it. But that's not why
                    you're here. I think I have a
                    solution to your 'problem'.

                              DAVID
                    Oh, thank God. Where'd you get
                    $20,000 in cash?

                              SARAH
                    I cannot believe I haven't learned
                    to be more specific with you. I'm
                    talking about...
                         (quietly)
                    Rachel.

                              DAVID
                    I'm sorry, what? I can't read lips.

                              SARAH
                    I said it out loud.

          STREETER pulls the door open; behind him we see AMIR, DAN,
          PAT and LOU.

                              STREETER
                    Hey, Sarah, hate to rush things,
                    but we've been waiting in here for
                    four hours.

                              SARAH
                    Right, sorry.
                         (to David)
                    I told the guys you're afraid to
                    break up with Rachel.

                              DAVID
                    Why would you do that? If she finds
                    out, she'll take away my phone
                    privileges.

                              SARAH
                    That's why. Plus I thought they
                    could help, I dunno. Pat's broken
                    up with like, seventy girls.

          Shot of Pat, who picks his ear and looks at it, impressed.
          Sarah and David react with disgust.

                              SARAH
                    Just hear them out.

                                                     HARD CUT TO:

          INT. GREEN SCREEN ROOM

          Everyone sits on folding chairs in a circle. These are QUICK
          CUTS.

                              STREETER
                    Okay, here's my advice. Cry. A lot.

                              PAT
                    Be assertive, you know? Don't back
                    down from a fight.

                              AMIR
                    Keep it light, keep it funny. I
                    usually use topical humor.

                              LOU
                    What I do, is I just start ignoring
                    her. If she comes up to you, act
                    like you've never met her.
                    
                              DAN
                    I've actually only dated my wife.

                              STREETER
                         (starting to cry)
                    Your heart isn't the only one
                    that's breaking, okay?

                              PAT
                         (real aggressive)
                    Oh really, I'm neglectful? Have you
                    met, oh I don't know, yourself?

                              AMIR
                    You know, our relationship reminds
                    me a lot of what's going on in
                    Libya.

                              LOU
                    Lou? Lou who? I don't know any
                    Lous.

                              DAN
                    Cheryl and I actually met when we
                    were 9 years old at Girl Scout
                    Camp.

                              STREETER
                         (through loud sobs)
                    Michelle!

                              PAT
                         (completely bleeped, yelling)
                    You [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]!

                              AMIR
                         (chuckling; pointing to
                         newspaper)
                    Have you heard about this?

                              LOU
                    My name is Francis, woman!

                              DAN
                    I have never known the touch of
                    another woman.

          Cut to Sarah and David. Sarah has her head in her hands.
          David takes a moment to process this.

                              DAVID
                    Okay. So. Cry a lot,-

          Streeter mumbles 'uh-huh', wiping tears away.

                              DAVID (CONT'D)
                    -call her a [bleep],-

          Pat nods knowingly, gives a thumbs up.

                              DAVID (CONT'D)
                    -use comedy,-

          Amir shoots a prop gun, a flag with "YOU'RE DUMPED" unrolls.

                              DAVID (CONT'D)
                    -deny your own existence,-

          Lou's chair is empty. He pops his head into frame and winks
          at David.

                              DAVID (CONT'D)
                    Aaaand marry her.

          Dan, beaming, unfurls PICTURES OF HIS KIDS from his WALLET.
          We sit for a beat on Sarah and David, then:

          CUT TO: Sarah and David walking away.

                              SARAH
                    Yeah sorry, that wasn't helpful at
                    all.

                              DAVID
                    I did like Amir's take on Libya.

                              SARAH
                    Yeah, it was a fresh angle, wasn't
                    it?

          Sarah stops David and turns to him.

                              SARAH (CONT'D)
                    Listen, when it comes to break-ups,
                    you just have to be honest. You
                    were with me. She can't be mad if
                    that's how you feel.

                              DAVID
                    You didn't talk to me for three
                    months.

                              SARAH
                    And just look at us now.

          Inspirational music swells. Sarah grabs David's cheeks.

                              SARAH (CONT'D)
                    Let's go dump your crazy-ass
                    girlfriend.

                                                          CUT TO:

          EXT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LOOKING IN

          Music out. David looks terrified as RACHEL DESTROYS THE
          ROOM. We just barely hear the sounds of her yelling. They
          again are dressed EXACTLY ALIKE.

          Reveal: Sarah, Streeter, Pat, Dan, Amir and Lou watching
          from a safe distance. Sarah looks concerned.

                              AMIR
                    It's like the Obama birther debate
                    in there.