Full Benefits: The Break-Up
By Sarah Schneider and David Young
INT. BEDROOM - WHITE SHEETS/WHITE COMFORTER
David is in bed with Sarah.
DAVID
I'm so glad things are over with
Rachel. I missed this.
SARAH
I missed this, too. Now hurry up
and sex me, because we have dinner
plans with Patrick Duffy and
Suzanne Somers.
DAVID
Ah, I love Patrick - wait a minute.
A quick flash to white, then:
INT. BEDROOM - COLORED COMFORTER
David wakes up with a start. He's in bed with Rachel.
RACHEL
Morning sleepy. You fell asleep
watching Step-by-Step again. And
guess what I got you? A new
Build-A-Bear!
David looks back up to the ceiling and sighs.
INT. OFFICE - MORNING
David heads to his desk and notices a POST-IT on his
computer. It reads "Come to the mattress closet. -Sarah".
INT. OFFICE - OUTSIDE MATTRESS CLOSET DOOR
David knocks. Sarah opens it and steps out a little.
SARAH
Hey good, you got my note. So last
night I was watching Step-by-Step,
and it was the episode where Al
gets dumped and goes to the dance
with Steve Urkel.
DAVID
(under his breath)
Seamless crossover.
(beat)
Is that what this is about?
SARAH
No, I just thought you might have
seen it.
DAVID
Ch-yah. I loved it.
SARAH
I knew it. But that's not why
you're here. I think I have a
solution to your 'problem'.
DAVID
Oh, thank God. Where'd you get
$20,000 in cash?
SARAH
I cannot believe I haven't learned
to be more specific with you. I'm
talking about...
(quietly)
Rachel.
DAVID
I'm sorry, what? I can't read lips.
SARAH
I said it out loud.
STREETER pulls the door open; behind him we see AMIR, DAN,
PAT and LOU.
STREETER
Hey, Sarah, hate to rush things,
but we've been waiting in here for
four hours.
SARAH
Right, sorry.
(to David)
I told the guys you're afraid to
break up with Rachel.
DAVID
Why would you do that? If she finds
out, she'll take away my phone
privileges.
SARAH
That's why. Plus I thought they
could help, I dunno. Pat's broken
up with like, seventy girls.
Shot of Pat, who picks his ear and looks at it, impressed.
Sarah and David react with disgust.
SARAH
Just hear them out.
HARD CUT TO:
INT. GREEN SCREEN ROOM
Everyone sits on folding chairs in a circle. These are QUICK
CUTS.
STREETER
Okay, here's my advice. Cry. A lot.
PAT
Be assertive, you know? Don't back
down from a fight.
AMIR
Keep it light, keep it funny. I
usually use topical humor.
LOU
What I do, is I just start ignoring
her. If she comes up to you, act
like you've never met her.
DAN
I've actually only dated my wife.
STREETER
(starting to cry)
Your heart isn't the only one
that's breaking, okay?
PAT
(real aggressive)
Oh really, I'm neglectful? Have you
met, oh I don't know, yourself?
AMIR
You know, our relationship reminds
me a lot of what's going on in
Libya.
LOU
Lou? Lou who? I don't know any
Lous.
DAN
Cheryl and I actually met when we
were 9 years old at Girl Scout
Camp.
STREETER
(through loud sobs)
Michelle!
PAT
(completely bleeped, yelling)
You [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]!
AMIR
(chuckling; pointing to
newspaper)
Have you heard about this?
LOU
My name is Francis, woman!
DAN
I have never known the touch of
another woman.
Cut to Sarah and David. Sarah has her head in her hands.
David takes a moment to process this.
DAVID
Okay. So. Cry a lot,-
Streeter mumbles 'uh-huh', wiping tears away.
DAVID (CONT'D)
-call her a [bleep],-
Pat nods knowingly, gives a thumbs up.
DAVID (CONT'D)
-use comedy,-
Amir shoots a prop gun, a flag with "YOU'RE DUMPED" unrolls.
DAVID (CONT'D)
-deny your own existence,-
Lou's chair is empty. He pops his head into frame and winks
at David.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Aaaand marry her.
Dan, beaming, unfurls PICTURES OF HIS KIDS from his WALLET.
We sit for a beat on Sarah and David, then:
CUT TO: Sarah and David walking away.
SARAH
Yeah sorry, that wasn't helpful at
all.
DAVID
I did like Amir's take on Libya.
SARAH
Yeah, it was a fresh angle, wasn't
it?
Sarah stops David and turns to him.
SARAH (CONT'D)
Listen, when it comes to break-ups,
you just have to be honest. You
were with me. She can't be mad if
that's how you feel.
DAVID
You didn't talk to me for three
months.
SARAH
And just look at us now.
Inspirational music swells. Sarah grabs David's cheeks.
SARAH (CONT'D)
Let's go dump your crazy-ass
girlfriend.
CUT TO:
EXT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LOOKING IN
Music out. David looks terrified as RACHEL DESTROYS THE
ROOM. We just barely hear the sounds of her yelling. They
again are dressed EXACTLY ALIKE.
Reveal: Sarah, Streeter, Pat, Dan, Amir and Lou watching
from a safe distance. Sarah looks concerned.
AMIR
It's like the Obama birther debate
in there.
FEATURE
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Script
Full Benefits: The Break-Up
INT. BEDROOM - WHITE SHEETS/WHITE COMFORTER David is in bed with Sarah. DAVID I'm so glad things are over with Rachel. I missed this. SARAH I missed this, too. Now hurry up and sex me, because we have dinner plans with Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers. DAVID Ah, I love Patrick - wait a minute. A quick flash to white, then: INT. BEDROOM - COLORED COMFORTER David wakes up with a start. He's in bed with Rachel. RACHEL Morning sleepy. You fell asleep watching Step-by-Step again. And guess what I got you? A new Build-A-Bear! David looks back up to the ceiling and sighs. INT. OFFICE - MORNING David heads to his desk and notices a POST-IT on his computer. It reads "Come to the mattress closet. -Sarah". INT. OFFICE - OUTSIDE MATTRESS CLOSET DOOR David knocks. Sarah opens it and steps out a little. SARAH Hey good, you got my note. So last night I was watching Step-by-Step, and it was the episode where Al gets dumped and goes to the dance with Steve Urkel. DAVID (under his breath) Seamless crossover. (beat) Is that what this is about? SARAH No, I just thought you might have seen it. DAVID Ch-yah. I loved it. SARAH I knew it. But that's not why you're here. I think I have a solution to your 'problem'. DAVID Oh, thank God. Where'd you get $20,000 in cash? SARAH I cannot believe I haven't learned to be more specific with you. I'm talking about... (quietly) Rachel. DAVID I'm sorry, what? I can't read lips. SARAH I said it out loud. STREETER pulls the door open; behind him we see AMIR, DAN, PAT and LOU. STREETER Hey, Sarah, hate to rush things, but we've been waiting in here for four hours. SARAH Right, sorry. (to David) I told the guys you're afraid to break up with Rachel. DAVID Why would you do that? If she finds out, she'll take away my phone privileges. SARAH That's why. Plus I thought they could help, I dunno. Pat's broken up with like, seventy girls. Shot of Pat, who picks his ear and looks at it, impressed. Sarah and David react with disgust. SARAH Just hear them out. HARD CUT TO: INT. GREEN SCREEN ROOM Everyone sits on folding chairs in a circle. These are QUICK CUTS. STREETER Okay, here's my advice. Cry. A lot. PAT Be assertive, you know? Don't back down from a fight. AMIR Keep it light, keep it funny. I usually use topical humor. LOU What I do, is I just start ignoring her. If she comes up to you, act like you've never met her. DAN I've actually only dated my wife. STREETER (starting to cry) Your heart isn't the only one that's breaking, okay? PAT (real aggressive) Oh really, I'm neglectful? Have you met, oh I don't know, yourself? AMIR You know, our relationship reminds me a lot of what's going on in Libya. LOU Lou? Lou who? I don't know any Lous. DAN Cheryl and I actually met when we were 9 years old at Girl Scout Camp. STREETER (through loud sobs) Michelle! PAT (completely bleeped, yelling) You [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]! AMIR (chuckling; pointing to newspaper) Have you heard about this? LOU My name is Francis, woman! DAN I have never known the touch of another woman. Cut to Sarah and David. Sarah has her head in her hands. David takes a moment to process this. DAVID Okay. So. Cry a lot,- Streeter mumbles 'uh-huh', wiping tears away. DAVID (CONT'D) -call her a [bleep],- Pat nods knowingly, gives a thumbs up. DAVID (CONT'D) -use comedy,- Amir shoots a prop gun, a flag with "YOU'RE DUMPED" unrolls. DAVID (CONT'D) -deny your own existence,- Lou's chair is empty. He pops his head into frame and winks at David. DAVID (CONT'D) Aaaand marry her. Dan, beaming, unfurls PICTURES OF HIS KIDS from his WALLET. We sit for a beat on Sarah and David, then: CUT TO: Sarah and David walking away. SARAH Yeah sorry, that wasn't helpful at all. DAVID I did like Amir's take on Libya. SARAH Yeah, it was a fresh angle, wasn't it? Sarah stops David and turns to him. SARAH (CONT'D) Listen, when it comes to break-ups, you just have to be honest. You were with me. She can't be mad if that's how you feel. DAVID You didn't talk to me for three months. SARAH And just look at us now. Inspirational music swells. Sarah grabs David's cheeks. SARAH (CONT'D) Let's go dump your crazy-ass girlfriend. CUT TO: EXT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LOOKING IN Music out. David looks terrified as RACHEL DESTROYS THE ROOM. We just barely hear the sounds of her yelling. They again are dressed EXACTLY ALIKE. Reveal: Sarah, Streeter, Pat, Dan, Amir and Lou watching from a safe distance. Sarah looks concerned. AMIR It's like the Obama birther debate in there.Credits
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