From CH Staff on
Sarah and David meet in the storage room, and relax, not like that. There are other people there.
By Sarah Schneider and David Young
INT. BEDROOM - WHITE SHEETS/WHITE COMFORTER David is in bed with Sarah. DAVID I'm so glad things are over with Rachel. I missed this. SARAH I missed this, too. Now hurry up and sex me, because we have dinner plans with Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers. DAVID Ah, I love Patrick - wait a minute. A quick flash to white, then: INT. BEDROOM - COLORED COMFORTER David wakes up with a start. He's in bed with Rachel. RACHEL Morning sleepy. You fell asleep watching Step-by-Step again. And guess what I got you? A new Build-A-Bear! David looks back up to the ceiling and sighs. INT. OFFICE - MORNING David heads to his desk and notices a POST-IT on his computer. It reads "Come to the mattress closet. -Sarah". INT. OFFICE - OUTSIDE MATTRESS CLOSET DOOR David knocks. Sarah opens it and steps out a little. SARAH Hey good, you got my note. So last night I was watching Step-by-Step, and it was the episode where Al gets dumped and goes to the dance with Steve Urkel. DAVID (under his breath) Seamless crossover. (beat) Is that what this is about? SARAH No, I just thought you might have seen it. DAVID Ch-yah. I loved it. SARAH I knew it. But that's not why you're here. I think I have a solution to your 'problem'. DAVID Oh, thank God. Where'd you get $20,000 in cash? SARAH I cannot believe I haven't learned to be more specific with you. I'm talking about... (quietly) Rachel. DAVID I'm sorry, what? I can't read lips. SARAH I said it out loud. STREETER pulls the door open; behind him we see AMIR, DAN, PAT and LOU. STREETER Hey, Sarah, hate to rush things, but we've been waiting in here for four hours. SARAH Right, sorry. (to David) I told the guys you're afraid to break up with Rachel. DAVID Why would you do that? If she finds out, she'll take away my phone privileges. SARAH That's why. Plus I thought they could help, I dunno. Pat's broken up with like, seventy girls. Shot of Pat, who picks his ear and looks at it, impressed. Sarah and David react with disgust. SARAH Just hear them out. HARD CUT TO: INT. GREEN SCREEN ROOM Everyone sits on folding chairs in a circle. These are QUICK CUTS. STREETER Okay, here's my advice. Cry. A lot. PAT Be assertive, you know? Don't back down from a fight. AMIR Keep it light, keep it funny. I usually use topical humor. LOU What I do, is I just start ignoring her. If she comes up to you, act like you've never met her. DAN I've actually only dated my wife. STREETER (starting to cry) Your heart isn't the only one that's breaking, okay? PAT (real aggressive) Oh really, I'm neglectful? Have you met, oh I don't know, yourself? AMIR You know, our relationship reminds me a lot of what's going on in Libya. LOU Lou? Lou who? I don't know any Lous. DAN Cheryl and I actually met when we were 9 years old at Girl Scout Camp. STREETER (through loud sobs) Michelle! PAT (completely bleeped, yelling) You [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]! AMIR (chuckling; pointing to newspaper) Have you heard about this? LOU My name is Francis, woman! DAN I have never known the touch of another woman. Cut to Sarah and David. Sarah has her head in her hands. David takes a moment to process this. DAVID Okay. So. Cry a lot,- Streeter mumbles 'uh-huh', wiping tears away. DAVID (CONT'D) -call her a [bleep],- Pat nods knowingly, gives a thumbs up. DAVID (CONT'D) -use comedy,- Amir shoots a prop gun, a flag with "YOU'RE DUMPED" unrolls. DAVID (CONT'D) -deny your own existence,- Lou's chair is empty. He pops his head into frame and winks at David. DAVID (CONT'D) Aaaand marry her. Dan, beaming, unfurls PICTURES OF HIS KIDS from his WALLET. We sit for a beat on Sarah and David, then: CUT TO: Sarah and David walking away. SARAH Yeah sorry, that wasn't helpful at all. DAVID I did like Amir's take on Libya. SARAH Yeah, it was a fresh angle, wasn't it? Sarah stops David and turns to him. SARAH (CONT'D) Listen, when it comes to break-ups, you just have to be honest. You were with me. She can't be mad if that's how you feel. DAVID You didn't talk to me for three months. SARAH And just look at us now. Inspirational music swells. Sarah grabs David's cheeks. SARAH (CONT'D) Let's go dump your crazy-ass girlfriend. CUT TO: EXT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LOOKING IN Music out. David looks terrified as RACHEL DESTROYS THE ROOM. We just barely hear the sounds of her yelling. They again are dressed EXACTLY ALIKE. Reveal: Sarah, Streeter, Pat, Dan, Amir and Lou watching from a safe distance. Sarah looks concerned. AMIR It's like the Obama birther debate in there.