By Dan Gurewitch
EXT. BACKYARD/PORCH - DAY BARACK OBAMA stands at the grill. JOSH, DAVID, SARAH, PATRICK and DAN sit at a picnic table, eating. OBAMA Another year, another Barack-B-Q. I got the meat at Costco, so you know it's some Grade-A COW! JOSH Are we just supposed to believe that? I want to see the receipt! (slamming his fist on table) The LONG-FORM RECEIPT! Obama holds up a RECEIPT, deadpan. OBAMA Shut the fuck up. DAVID Burn. OBAMA Thank you. DAVID No, I mean, that steak is gonna burn. Why'd you start cooking it without asking any of us first? OBAMA The steak was going bad. I didn't have time to ask you - I had to start cooking it immediately. DAVID But you hated it when the last grillmaster did that. What if you end up cooking that steak as long as you've been cooking those bratwursts? David gestures to another grill, FULL OF BRATWURSTS. OBAMA I'm going to start slowly removing those bratwursts and they'll all be done by 2015, look, can we at least all feel good about this: I finally took out the trash! Everyone CHEERS. Except Patrick, who's skeptical. PATRICK Well, other people did lay the groundwork for- OBAMA Yeah, maybe, but I'm the one that took it to the curb. (jabbing the air) Boom! Sarah shakes an empty bottle of BBQ sauce. SARAH Ah, Barack - we're out of barbecue sauce. OBAMA No problem, I'll just borrow some more. SARAH No. We're at the the maximum amount of sauce we can borrow. OBAMA That's happened before - nobody ever makes a big deal about it. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Hey Barack, you're really blowin' it over there! Out of sauce, took forever to show your receipt - maybe I should be in charge of the barbecue, EH?! DAVID You worried about that guy? OBAMA Nah, he just wants attention. I'll tell jokes about him at the next PTA meeting, and he'll go away. (handing Josh a burger) Here you go. Josh dumps the burger in the trash with an "Ugh." OBAMA What was wrong with that burger? JOSH You made it. OBAMA Your only problem is that I made it? JOSH Yup. ADAM enters with a big container of ICED TEA. ADAM I brought some iced tea! Josh reaches for it - "Ooh! Ooh!", but Obama yells: OBAMA NO! Awkward silence - everyone's startled by the outburst. OBAMA ...I mean, thank you. But... there's already more than enough tea in the house. Dan walks up to Barack at the grill. DAN Hey, I heard you're "warming up" to the idea of letting two burgers share the same bun. We all know you're cool with it, just say so! OBAMA (nodding to Josh) Shh! Don't let him hear that. JOSH (screaming at a two-patty hamburger) THIS IS LOWERING THE MORALE OF THE BARBECUE! OBAMA Guys, I think you're forgetting something: I took out the trash! PATRICK I think you took out the trash a long time ago, but you're just telling us about it now so we'll let you keep manning the grill. OBAMA Are you kidding me? PATRICK I want to see a PICTURE of the trash! OBAMA Patrick, that's disgusting. (handing Dan an EMPTY HOT DOG BUN) Here you go. DAN Uh, where's the hot dog? OBAMA The weiner is gone. But believe me, it didn't leave without a fight. DAN ...What? OBAMA The weiner embarrassed itself, and in the end... it resigned. Dan looks confused, but before he can say anything, Obama holds up a large bowl of WEIRD COLE SLAW. OBAMA By the way. Sarah Palin couldn't be here, but she sent along some homemade cole slaw. She said the ingredients are watermelon, asparagus, chocolate sauce, a duck, a waffle and a root beer float. SARAH I... don't think that's correct. JOSH Um, it's correct. You're just twisting her words. OBAMA With cooks like this, I think we'll be having quite a few more barbecues at my place. Obama chuckles to himself, then winks at the camera. Beat. DAN No, seriously - "the weiner resigned?" How does a hot dog resign? Why doesn't anyone- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? END.