Barack Obama's BBQ 2011

By

Dan Gurewitch

          EXT. BACKYARD/PORCH - DAY

          BARACK OBAMA stands at the grill. JOSH,
          DAVID, SARAH, PATRICK and DAN sit at a picnic table, eating.

                              OBAMA
                    Another year, another Barack-B-Q. I
                    got the meat at Costco, so you know
                    it's some Grade-A COW!

                              JOSH
                    Are we just supposed to believe
                    that? I want to see the receipt!
                         (slamming his fist on table)
                    The LONG-FORM RECEIPT!

          Obama holds up a RECEIPT, deadpan.

                              OBAMA
                    Shut the fuck up.

                              DAVID
                    Burn.

                              OBAMA
                    Thank you.

                              DAVID
                    No, I mean, that steak is gonna
                    burn. Why'd you start cooking it
                    without asking any of us first?

                              OBAMA
                    The steak was going bad. I didn't
                    have time to ask you - I had to
                    start cooking it immediately.

                              DAVID
                    But you hated it when the last
                    grillmaster did that. What if you
                    end up cooking that steak as long
                    as you've been cooking those
                    bratwursts?

          David gestures to another grill, FULL OF BRATWURSTS.

                              OBAMA
                    I'm going to start slowly removing
                    those bratwursts and they'll all be
                    done by 2015, look, can we at least
                    all feel good about this: I finally
                    took out the trash!

          Everyone CHEERS. Except Patrick, who's skeptical.

                              PATRICK
                    Well, other people did lay the
                    groundwork for-

                              OBAMA
                    Yeah, maybe, but I'm the one that
                    took it to the curb.
                         (jabbing the air)
                    Boom!

          Sarah shakes an empty bottle of BBQ sauce.

                              SARAH
                    Ah, Barack - we're out of barbecue
                    sauce.

                              OBAMA
                    No problem, I'll just borrow some
                    more.

                              SARAH
                    No. We're at the the maximum amount
                    of sauce we can borrow.

                              OBAMA
                    That's happened before - nobody
                    ever makes a big deal about it.

                              NEIGHBOR (O.S.)
                    Hey Barack, you're really blowin'
                    it over there! Out of sauce, took
                    forever to show your receipt -
                    maybe I should be in charge of the
                    barbecue, EH?!

                              DAVID
                    You worried about that guy?

                              OBAMA
                    Nah, he just wants attention. I'll
                    tell jokes about him at the next
                    PTA meeting, and he'll go away.
                         (handing Josh a burger)
                    Here you go.

          Josh dumps the burger in the trash with an "Ugh."

                              OBAMA
                    What was wrong with that burger?

                              JOSH
                    You made it.

                              OBAMA
                    Your only problem is that I made
                    it?

                              JOSH
                    Yup.

          ADAM enters with a big container of ICED TEA.

                              ADAM
                    I brought some iced tea!

          Josh reaches for it - "Ooh! Ooh!", but Obama yells:

                              OBAMA
                    NO!

          Awkward silence - everyone's startled by the outburst.

                              OBAMA
                    ...I mean, thank you. But...
                    there's already more than enough
                    tea in the house.

          Dan walks up to Barack at the grill.

                              DAN
                    Hey, I heard you're "warming up" to
                    the idea of letting two burgers
                    share the same bun. We all know
                    you're cool with it, just say so!

                              OBAMA
                         (nodding to Josh)
                    Shh! Don't let him hear that.

                              JOSH
                         (screaming at a two-patty
                         hamburger)
                    THIS IS LOWERING THE MORALE OF THE
                    BARBECUE!

                              OBAMA
                    Guys, I think you're forgetting
                    something: I took out the trash!

                              PATRICK
                    I think you took out the trash a
                    long time ago, but you're just
                    telling us about it now so we'll
                    let you keep manning the grill.

                              OBAMA
                    Are you kidding me?

                              PATRICK
                    I want to see a PICTURE of the
                    trash!

                              OBAMA
                    Patrick, that's disgusting.
                         (handing Dan an EMPTY HOT DOG
                         BUN)
                    Here you go.

                              DAN
                    Uh, where's the hot dog?

                              OBAMA
                    The weiner is gone. But believe me,
                    it didn't leave without a fight.

                              DAN
                    ...What?

                              OBAMA
                    The weiner embarrassed itself, and
                    in the end... it resigned.

          Dan looks confused, but before he can say anything, Obama
          holds up a large bowl of WEIRD COLE SLAW.

                              OBAMA
                    By the way. Sarah Palin couldn't be
                    here, but she sent along some
                    homemade cole slaw. She said the
                    ingredients are watermelon,
                    asparagus, chocolate sauce, a duck,
                    a waffle and a root beer float.

                              SARAH
                    I... don't think that's correct.

                              JOSH
                    Um, it's correct. You're just
                    twisting her words.

                              OBAMA
                    With cooks like this, I think we'll
                    be having quite a few more
                    barbecues at my place.

          Obama chuckles to himself, then winks at the camera. Beat.

                              DAN
                    No, seriously - "the weiner
                    resigned?" How does a hot dog
                    resign? Why doesn't anyone- WHAT
                    THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

          END.