He's got a lot on his plate.
By Dan Gurewitch
EXT. BACKYARD/PORCH - DAY
BARACK OBAMA stands at the grill. JOSH,
DAVID, SARAH, PATRICK and DAN sit at a picnic table, eating.
Another year, another Barack-B-Q. I
got the meat at Costco, so you know
it's some Grade-A COW!
Are we just supposed to believe
that? I want to see the receipt!
(slamming his fist on table)
The LONG-FORM RECEIPT!
Obama holds up a RECEIPT, deadpan.
Shut the fuck up.
No, I mean, that steak is gonna
burn. Why'd you start cooking it
without asking any of us first?
The steak was going bad. I didn't
have time to ask you - I had to
start cooking it immediately.
But you hated it when the last
grillmaster did that. What if you
end up cooking that steak as long
as you've been cooking those
David gestures to another grill, FULL OF BRATWURSTS.
I'm going to start slowly removing
those bratwursts and they'll all be
done by 2015, look, can we at least
all feel good about this: I finally
took out the trash!
Everyone CHEERS. Except Patrick, who's skeptical.
Well, other people did lay the
Yeah, maybe, but I'm the one that
took it to the curb.
(jabbing the air)
Sarah shakes an empty bottle of BBQ sauce.
Ah, Barack - we're out of barbecue
No problem, I'll just borrow some
No. We're at the the maximum amount
of sauce we can borrow.
That's happened before - nobody
ever makes a big deal about it.
Hey Barack, you're really blowin'
it over there! Out of sauce, took
forever to show your receipt -
maybe I should be in charge of the
You worried about that guy?
Nah, he just wants attention. I'll
tell jokes about him at the next
PTA meeting, and he'll go away.
(handing Josh a burger)
Here you go.
Josh dumps the burger in the trash with an "Ugh."
What was wrong with that burger?
You made it.
Your only problem is that I made
ADAM enters with a big container of ICED TEA.
I brought some iced tea!
Josh reaches for it - "Ooh! Ooh!", but Obama yells:
Awkward silence - everyone's startled by the outburst.
...I mean, thank you. But...
there's already more than enough
tea in the house.
Dan walks up to Barack at the grill.
Hey, I heard you're "warming up" to
the idea of letting two burgers
share the same bun. We all know
you're cool with it, just say so!
(nodding to Josh)
Shh! Don't let him hear that.
(screaming at a two-patty
THIS IS LOWERING THE MORALE OF THE
Guys, I think you're forgetting
something: I took out the trash!
I think you took out the trash a
long time ago, but you're just
telling us about it now so we'll
let you keep manning the grill.
Are you kidding me?
I want to see a PICTURE of the
Patrick, that's disgusting.
(handing Dan an EMPTY HOT DOG
Here you go.
Uh, where's the hot dog?
The weiner is gone. But believe me,
it didn't leave without a fight.
The weiner embarrassed itself, and
in the end... it resigned.
Dan looks confused, but before he can say anything, Obama
holds up a large bowl of WEIRD COLE SLAW.
By the way. Sarah Palin couldn't be
here, but she sent along some
homemade cole slaw. She said the
ingredients are watermelon,
asparagus, chocolate sauce, a duck,
a waffle and a root beer float.
I... don't think that's correct.
Um, it's correct. You're just
twisting her words.
With cooks like this, I think we'll
be having quite a few more
barbecues at my place.
Obama chuckles to himself, then winks at the camera. Beat.
No, seriously - "the weiner
resigned?" How does a hot dog
resign? Why doesn't anyone- WHAT
THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?