Hardly Working: Lie Detector

By

Patrick Cassels and David Young

          INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY

          SAM sits at his desk. His shirt look weird. He faces CAMERA,
          interrogation style. He tinkers with a LIE DETECTOR.

                              SAM
                    I'm sure you two have noticed, but
                    last night somebody after hours
                    vandalized our bathroom with
                    extremely hurtful words and
                    illustrations. Two people have quit
                    over this, and I need to get to the
                    bottom of it.

          REVERSE on DAVID and PAT, also facing CAMERA/SAM. They're
          both hooked to the lie detector, with electrodes and sensors
          clipped all over them.

          Note: We should shoot all lines in singles so we can cut
          rapidly between them. Fast & fun!

                              DAVID
                    Weren't there security cameras?

                              SAM
                    We turn them off at night. Green
                    initiative.
                         (turns on lie detector)
                    So we just need to start with a
                    control question. Anything really.
                    Um, "do you like my shirt?"

                              PAT
                    What does that have to do with the
                    vandalism?

                              SAM
                    Like I said, it's a control
                    question. Idiot.

                              DAVID
                    Well, if we have to be totally
                    honest. No, not really.

                              PAT
                    Yeah, me neither. Sorry.

                              SAM
                         (reading results)
                    Wow. It says your telling the
                    truth.
                         (beat)
                    I cannot believe this machine is
                    broken already! Stupid piece of s--

          Sam hits the machine. Really hard (for some reason).

                              DAVID
                    Sam, no, that's right.

                              PAT
                    That's... the honest answer.

                              SAM
                         (in denial)
                    No, you're just lying to protect
                    the lie detector industry.
                    Admirable, but let's try another
                    control: You show up to work
                    wearing this shirt and hear a
                    number of your employees making fun
                    of it behind your back in a loud
                    whisper -- really just normal
                    voices. Are they (a) Jealous, (b)
                    Blind, or (c) All of the above?

                              DAVID
                    I didn't know lie detector
                    questions could be multiple choice.

                              SAM
                    I'm going to mark that as a C.

                              PAT
                    Sam, are you just self conscious
                    about your shirt?

                              SAM
                    Going to mark that as a B.

                              DAVID
                         (comforting)
                    Sam, just relax. There's nothing
                    wrong with your ugly shirt.

          Pat elbows David.

                              PAT
                    Regular shirt! Can we just move on?

                              SAM
                    Fine. Fine. You're right. Let's get
                    to business.

          Sam slides a folder across his desk. David opens it.

                              SAM
                    I'm going to show you two some
                    incriminating photos.

                              DAVID
                    This is an issue of OK! Magazine.

                              SAM
                    Turn to page 10 and note one Kevin
                    Spacey at the Spike Videogame
                    Awards' red carpet. Anything look
                    familiar?

                              DAVID
                    Well, he's not wearing your shirt.

                              SAM
                    I know, but the talent handler
                    behind him is.

                              DAVID
                         (looking at magazine)
                    The goatee guy yelling at the kid?

                              SAM
                    Yup. Shirt looks pretty cool on
                    him, huh?

                              DAVID
                         (squints at picture of shirt)
                    It kind of hurts my eyes to look at
                    it. It's like some weird optical
                    illusion.

                              SAM
                         (resigned; looks down at own)
                    Yeah, the girl at the thrift shop
                    said it tends to pop out. I thought
                    she meant it metaphorically, like
                    "Wow, that red really pops." But
                    yeah, no, literally, it's...

                              DAVID & SAM
                    ...like a Magic Eye.

                              PAT
                         (squints at real shirt)
                    It's an elephant, right?

                              SAM
                    Enough playing around! Let's get
                    back on track.

                              DAVID
                    Were we ever on track?

                              SAM
                    Rapid fire question time! Pat! Are
                    shirts supposed to itch from the
                    inside?

                              PAT
                    Not really.

                              SAM
                    David! Do you get rashes from
                    wearing your shirts?

                              DAVID
                    No.

                              SAM
                    Hives?

                              PAT
                    No.

                              SAM
                    Do old women on the street tend to
                    yell obscenities at you based on
                    your shirt?

                              DAVID
                    Jesus, are you serious?

                              SAM
                    Hives?

                              PAT
                    You already asked that.

                              SAM
                    No, does your shirt give the old
                    ladies hives?

                              PAT
                    Just looking at it?

                              SAM
                    Yup just looking at it.

                              DAVID
                    Why would you even buy that thing?

          Sam opens his shirt. There are red dots on the inside.

                              SAM
                    Well, on the inside at least
                    there's this really cool pattern.

                              PAT
                    Those are spots of your blood.

                              SAM
                         (fascinated)
                    Yeah, my skin is reacting to the
                    fabric in some unusual way.

          He pulls the shirt further. Indeed, there's a rash.

                              DAVID
                    What's it made of?

                              SAM
                    It's 10% polyester, 6% tyvex, 13%
                    nylocor, 30% chloro-wool, 11%
                    notsilk and the rest is Naugahyde.

                              PAT & DAVID
                    What's notsilk?

                              SAM
                    Enough! I didn't want to have to do
                    this, but we have a witness that
                    was here last night and says he saw
                    some quote "suspicious activity."
                    Before I send him in here, is there
                    ANYTHING you want to tell me...
                         (quick, offhand whisper)
                    Like how nice my shirrrrt is?

          David and Pat are silent for a VERY, VERY LONG BEAT.

                              SAM (CON'T)
                    Fine! Owen! Get in here!

          OWEN enters.

                              SAM
                    Owen. You said you saw something
                    suspicious last night.

                              OWEN
                         (deadpan)
                    Uh, that's right.

                              SAM
                    Please, tell us.

                              OWEN
                    I was leaving the office late...

                              SAM
                    Uh-huh.

                              OWEN
                    And I heard some noise from the
                    bathroom...

                              SAM
                    UH-HUH!

                              OWEN
                    So I went in...

                              SAM
                    AND?!?!

                              OWEN
                    You were in there trying on bags of
                    really weird looking shirts. Like,
                    one had purple swirls and a beige
                    zig-zag. Another just straight-up
                    had a picture of Pikachu on it...

          Owen improvs more descriptions of ugly shirts. Sam is
          mortified.

          END.