The truth is ugly sometimes. Especially if it's made of polyester.
By Patrick Cassels and David Young
INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY
SAM sits at his desk. His shirt look weird. He faces CAMERA,
interrogation style. He tinkers with a LIE DETECTOR.
I'm sure you two have noticed, but
last night somebody after hours
vandalized our bathroom with
extremely hurtful words and
illustrations. Two people have quit
over this, and I need to get to the
bottom of it.
REVERSE on DAVID and PAT, also facing CAMERA/SAM. They're
both hooked to the lie detector, with electrodes and sensors
clipped all over them.
Note: We should shoot all lines in singles so we can cut
rapidly between them. Fast & fun!
Weren't there security cameras?
We turn them off at night. Green
(turns on lie detector)
So we just need to start with a
control question. Anything really.
Um, "do you like my shirt?"
What does that have to do with the
Like I said, it's a control
Well, if we have to be totally
honest. No, not really.
Yeah, me neither. Sorry.
Wow. It says your telling the
I cannot believe this machine is
broken already! Stupid piece of s--
Sam hits the machine. Really hard (for some reason).
Sam, no, that's right.
That's... the honest answer.
No, you're just lying to protect
the lie detector industry.
Admirable, but let's try another
control: You show up to work
wearing this shirt and hear a
number of your employees making fun
of it behind your back in a loud
whisper -- really just normal
voices. Are they (a) Jealous, (b)
Blind, or (c) All of the above?
I didn't know lie detector
questions could be multiple choice.
I'm going to mark that as a C.
Sam, are you just self conscious
about your shirt?
Going to mark that as a B.
Sam, just relax. There's nothing
wrong with your ugly shirt.
Pat elbows David.
Regular shirt! Can we just move on?
Fine. Fine. You're right. Let's get
Sam slides a folder across his desk. David opens it.
I'm going to show you two some
This is an issue of OK! Magazine.
Turn to page 10 and note one Kevin
Spacey at the Spike Videogame
Awards' red carpet. Anything look
Well, he's not wearing your shirt.
I know, but the talent handler
behind him is.
(looking at magazine)
The goatee guy yelling at the kid?
Yup. Shirt looks pretty cool on
(squints at picture of shirt)
It kind of hurts my eyes to look at
it. It's like some weird optical
(resigned; looks down at own)
Yeah, the girl at the thrift shop
said it tends to pop out. I thought
she meant it metaphorically, like
"Wow, that red really pops." But
yeah, no, literally, it's...
DAVID & SAM
...like a Magic Eye.
(squints at real shirt)
It's an elephant, right?
Enough playing around! Let's get
back on track.
Were we ever on track?
Rapid fire question time! Pat! Are
shirts supposed to itch from the
David! Do you get rashes from
wearing your shirts?
Do old women on the street tend to
yell obscenities at you based on
Jesus, are you serious?
You already asked that.
No, does your shirt give the old
Just looking at it?
Yup just looking at it.
Why would you even buy that thing?
Sam opens his shirt. There are red dots on the inside.
Well, on the inside at least
there's this really cool pattern.
Those are spots of your blood.
Yeah, my skin is reacting to the
fabric in some unusual way.
He pulls the shirt further. Indeed, there's a rash.
What's it made of?
It's 10% polyester, 6% tyvex, 13%
nylocor, 30% chloro-wool, 11%
notsilk and the rest is Naugahyde.
PAT & DAVID
Enough! I didn't want to have to do
this, but we have a witness that
was here last night and says he saw
some quote "suspicious activity."
Before I send him in here, is there
ANYTHING you want to tell me...
(quick, offhand whisper)
Like how nice my shirrrrt is?
David and Pat are silent for a VERY, VERY LONG BEAT.
Fine! Owen! Get in here!
Owen. You said you saw something
suspicious last night.
Uh, that's right.
Please, tell us.
I was leaving the office late...
And I heard some noise from the
So I went in...
You were in there trying on bags of
really weird looking shirts. Like,
one had purple swirls and a beige
zig-zag. Another just straight-up
had a picture of Pikachu on it...
Owen improvs more descriptions of ugly shirts. Sam is