From CH Staff on
The truth is ugly sometimes. Especially if it's made of polyester.
By Patrick Cassels and David Young
INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY SAM sits at his desk. His shirt look weird. He faces CAMERA, interrogation style. He tinkers with a LIE DETECTOR. SAM I'm sure you two have noticed, but last night somebody after hours vandalized our bathroom with extremely hurtful words and illustrations. Two people have quit over this, and I need to get to the bottom of it. REVERSE on DAVID and PAT, also facing CAMERA/SAM. They're both hooked to the lie detector, with electrodes and sensors clipped all over them. Note: We should shoot all lines in singles so we can cut rapidly between them. Fast & fun! DAVID Weren't there security cameras? SAM We turn them off at night. Green initiative. (turns on lie detector) So we just need to start with a control question. Anything really. Um, "do you like my shirt?" PAT What does that have to do with the vandalism? SAM Like I said, it's a control question. Idiot. DAVID Well, if we have to be totally honest. No, not really. PAT Yeah, me neither. Sorry. SAM (reading results) Wow. It says your telling the truth. (beat) I cannot believe this machine is broken already! Stupid piece of s-- Sam hits the machine. Really hard (for some reason). DAVID Sam, no, that's right. PAT That's... the honest answer. SAM (in denial) No, you're just lying to protect the lie detector industry. Admirable, but let's try another control: You show up to work wearing this shirt and hear a number of your employees making fun of it behind your back in a loud whisper -- really just normal voices. Are they (a) Jealous, (b) Blind, or (c) All of the above? DAVID I didn't know lie detector questions could be multiple choice. SAM I'm going to mark that as a C. PAT Sam, are you just self conscious about your shirt? SAM Going to mark that as a B. DAVID (comforting) Sam, just relax. There's nothing wrong with your ugly shirt. Pat elbows David. PAT Regular shirt! Can we just move on? SAM Fine. Fine. You're right. Let's get to business. Sam slides a folder across his desk. David opens it. SAM I'm going to show you two some incriminating photos. DAVID This is an issue of OK! Magazine. SAM Turn to page 10 and note one Kevin Spacey at the Spike Videogame Awards' red carpet. Anything look familiar? DAVID Well, he's not wearing your shirt. SAM I know, but the talent handler behind him is. DAVID (looking at magazine) The goatee guy yelling at the kid? SAM Yup. Shirt looks pretty cool on him, huh? DAVID (squints at picture of shirt) It kind of hurts my eyes to look at it. It's like some weird optical illusion. SAM (resigned; looks down at own) Yeah, the girl at the thrift shop said it tends to pop out. I thought she meant it metaphorically, like "Wow, that red really pops." But yeah, no, literally, it's... DAVID & SAM ...like a Magic Eye. PAT (squints at real shirt) It's an elephant, right? SAM Enough playing around! Let's get back on track. DAVID Were we ever on track? SAM Rapid fire question time! Pat! Are shirts supposed to itch from the inside? PAT Not really. SAM David! Do you get rashes from wearing your shirts? DAVID No. SAM Hives? PAT No. SAM Do old women on the street tend to yell obscenities at you based on your shirt? DAVID Jesus, are you serious? SAM Hives? PAT You already asked that. SAM No, does your shirt give the old ladies hives? PAT Just looking at it? SAM Yup just looking at it. DAVID Why would you even buy that thing? Sam opens his shirt. There are red dots on the inside. SAM Well, on the inside at least there's this really cool pattern. PAT Those are spots of your blood. SAM (fascinated) Yeah, my skin is reacting to the fabric in some unusual way. He pulls the shirt further. Indeed, there's a rash. DAVID What's it made of? SAM It's 10% polyester, 6% tyvex, 13% nylocor, 30% chloro-wool, 11% notsilk and the rest is Naugahyde. PAT & DAVID What's notsilk? SAM Enough! I didn't want to have to do this, but we have a witness that was here last night and says he saw some quote "suspicious activity." Before I send him in here, is there ANYTHING you want to tell me... (quick, offhand whisper) Like how nice my shirrrrt is? David and Pat are silent for a VERY, VERY LONG BEAT. SAM (CON'T) Fine! Owen! Get in here! OWEN enters. SAM Owen. You said you saw something suspicious last night. OWEN (deadpan) Uh, that's right. SAM Please, tell us. OWEN I was leaving the office late... SAM Uh-huh. OWEN And I heard some noise from the bathroom... SAM UH-HUH! OWEN So I went in... SAM AND?!?! OWEN You were in there trying on bags of really weird looking shirts. Like, one had purple swirls and a beige zig-zag. Another just straight-up had a picture of Pikachu on it... Owen improvs more descriptions of ugly shirts. Sam is mortified. END.