By Streeter Seidell
EXT. HOGWARTS GUY FIERI pulls up in front of Hogwarts in a 1967 RED CAMERO. GUY (to Camera) Hey everybody, I'm Guy Fieri. You know what we say here on Triple D: if it's funky we'll find it. Well a bunch you wrote to tell me I just had to come to this joint: Hogwarts! I hear they're doing potions that are out of this world! INT. SNAPE'S CLASSROOM SEVERUS SNAPE is standing by a cauldron. GUY And here's the man cooking them all up, Severus Snape! SNAPE (deadpan throughout) Hello, Guy. GUY So what are we going to be making today? Snape points his wand at the cauldron. SNAPE Incendio! A fire lights underneath. SNAPE We're making Polyjuice potion. GUY And that is...? SNAPE Used to take on the form of another person for an hour. GUY Awesome! So who's going in the pool here? Snape starts adding ingredients. Quick jumps as Snape adds each ingredient in CU SNAPE First, leeches. Powered bicorn horn... GUY And that's a fixative. SNAPE No, it's for magic. Knotgrass. GUY For bitterness. SNAPE No, again, for magic. It essentially creates a bridge between one form and the next. GUY (mugging for camera) I'd like to create a bridge between this potion and my mouth! SNAPE Your face is bright red. GUY Always is! SNAPE Right. Next is Fluxweed picked during a full moon... GUY And why the full moon? SNAPE If not it won't be magic. GUY (to camera, cheesy) And if it aint magic, that's tragic! SNAPE (sarcastic) You're a very clever man. Now some shredded boomslang skin. GUY And that's to give it some color? SNAPE I'm incredibly surprised that you've yet to grasp what's going on. Everything in the cauldron has been ordained by powers beyond your comprehen - GUY (interrupting, pointing to next ingredient) - Whoa! Check those gnarly little dudes out! SNAPE Yes...lacewing flies that have been stewed for 21 days. GUY And do you stew your own lacewing flies or do you get them pre-stewed? SNAPE I stew them myself. GUY Gimme a pound man, for real. Snape unenthusiastically POUNDS Guy's fist. GUY (to camera) Fresh-stewed lacewing flies! Awesome. SNAPE And finally, a little bit of Guy. He drops a bleached blond Guy hair in the cauldron. It starts to bubble. GUY (mugging) You should TRY a little GUY! Snape GROANS at Guy's jokes. GUY Whoa doggie, look at that bad boy bubble! SNAPE Yes, it is quite bubbly I suppose. GUY And you let this bubble for...? SNAPE A month. DISSOLVE from bubbling cauldron to steaming cauldron. GUY So this cauldrons brewed for a month. And man, I gotta say, very, very pungent. I'm getting some of that knotgrass. Funky. SNAPE I suppose it's a bit aromatic, yes. GUY And this is ready to drink? SNAPE Yes. GUY And what's going to happen to me? Will I grow horns? Will I look ridiculous. A beat as Snape looks at Guy's ridiculous appearance. SNAPE (droll) No. However could you look ridiculous? GUY Bottoms up! Guy takes a small sip, swishes it around in his mouth and swallows. GUY I'm getting that Fluxweed now. But you know what the real star is here? The Lacewing flies! Home-stewed Lacewing flies really make all the difference. If any potion makers are watching, stew. your. own. lacewing. flies! Seriously - Guy puts his cup down. GUY - Snape, my man, you know what you're doing. That Polyjuice is the BOMB! Another pound. Guy turns to Camera, Snape drinks the potion behind his back. GUY (to camera) You just gotta get here and try some of these potions that my man, Severus Snape is - Guy turns to find himself staring back. Guy 2 (Snape) CLUBS guy in the head with a spoon. Guy 2 (with Snapes voice) points a wand at camera. GUY 2 Obliviate! A FLASH CUT TO EXT. HOGWARTS Guy is sitting back in his car, doing his typical goodbye from the show, only in Snape's deadpan voice. GUY 2 (very unenthused) Was that a killer road trip or what? (aside) Road trip, what's a road trip? (to camera) I'll see you next time on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. (to self) What a dreadful title.