Diners, Drive-ins and Dementors.
By Streeter Seidell
GUY FIERI pulls up in front of Hogwarts in a 1967 RED
Hey everybody, I'm Guy Fieri. You
know what we say here on Triple D:
if it's funky we'll find it. Well a
bunch you wrote to tell me I just
had to come to this joint:
Hogwarts! I hear they're doing
potions that are out of this world!
INT. SNAPE'S CLASSROOM
SEVERUS SNAPE is standing by a cauldron.
And here's the man cooking them all
up, Severus Snape!
So what are we going to be making
Snape points his wand at the cauldron.
A fire lights underneath.
We're making Polyjuice potion.
And that is...?
Used to take on the form of another
person for an hour.
Awesome! So who's going in the pool
Snape starts adding ingredients. Quick jumps as Snape adds
each ingredient in CU
First, leeches. Powered bicorn
And that's a fixative.
No, it's for magic. Knotgrass.
No, again, for magic. It
essentially creates a bridge
between one form and the next.
(mugging for camera)
I'd like to create a bridge between
this potion and my mouth!
Your face is bright red.
Right. Next is Fluxweed picked
during a full moon...
And why the full moon?
If not it won't be magic.
(to camera, cheesy)
And if it aint magic, that's
You're a very clever man. Now some
shredded boomslang skin.
And that's to give it some color?
I'm incredibly surprised that
you've yet to grasp what's going on.
Everything in the cauldron has been
ordained by powers beyond your
(interrupting, pointing to
- Whoa! Check those gnarly little
Yes...lacewing flies that have been
stewed for 21 days.
And do you stew your own lacewing
flies or do you get them
I stew them myself.
Gimme a pound man, for real.
Snape unenthusiastically POUNDS Guy's fist.
Fresh-stewed lacewing flies!
And finally, a little bit of Guy.
He drops a bleached blond Guy hair in the cauldron. It
starts to bubble.
You should TRY a little GUY!
Snape GROANS at Guy's jokes.
Whoa doggie, look at that bad boy
Yes, it is quite bubbly I suppose.
And you let this bubble for...?
DISSOLVE from bubbling cauldron to steaming cauldron.
So this cauldrons brewed for a
month. And man, I gotta say, very,
very pungent. I'm getting some of
that knotgrass. Funky.
I suppose it's a bit aromatic, yes.
And this is ready to drink?
And what's going to happen to me?
Will I grow horns? Will I look
A beat as Snape looks at Guy's ridiculous appearance.
No. However could you look
Guy takes a small sip, swishes it around in his mouth and
I'm getting that Fluxweed now. But
you know what the real star is
here? The Lacewing flies!
Home-stewed Lacewing flies really
make all the difference. If any
potion makers are watching, stew.
your. own. lacewing. flies!
Guy puts his cup down.
- Snape, my man, you know what
you're doing. That Polyjuice is the
Another pound. Guy turns to Camera, Snape drinks the potion
behind his back.
You just gotta get here and try
some of these potions that my man,
Severus Snape is -
Guy turns to find himself staring back. Guy 2 (Snape) CLUBS
guy in the head with a spoon. Guy 2 (with Snapes voice)
points a wand at camera.
Guy is sitting back in his car, doing his typical goodbye
from the show, only in Snape's deadpan voice.
Was that a killer road trip or
Road trip, what's a road trip?
I'll see you next time on Diners,
Drive-Ins and Dives.
What a dreadful title.