Guy Fieri At Hogwarts

By

Streeter Seidell

          EXT. HOGWARTS

          GUY FIERI pulls up in front of Hogwarts in a 1967 RED
          CAMERO.

                              GUY
                         (to Camera)
                    Hey everybody, I'm Guy Fieri. You
                    know what we say here on Triple D:
                    if it's funky we'll find it. Well a
                    bunch you wrote to tell me I just
                    had to come to this joint:
                    Hogwarts! I hear they're doing
                    potions that are out of this world!

          INT. SNAPE'S CLASSROOM

          SEVERUS SNAPE is standing by a cauldron.

                              GUY
                    And here's the man cooking them all
                    up, Severus Snape!

                              SNAPE
                         (deadpan throughout)
                    Hello, Guy.

                              GUY
                    So what are we going to be making
                    today?

          Snape points his wand at the cauldron.

                              SNAPE
                    Incendio!

          A fire lights underneath.

                              SNAPE
                    We're making Polyjuice potion.

                              GUY
                    And that is...?

                              SNAPE
                    Used to take on the form of another
                    person for an hour.

                              GUY
                    Awesome! So who's going in the pool
                    here?

          Snape starts adding ingredients. Quick jumps as Snape adds
          each ingredient in CU

                              SNAPE
                    First, leeches. Powered bicorn
                    horn...

                              GUY
                    And that's a fixative.

                              SNAPE
                    No, it's for magic. Knotgrass.

                              GUY
                    For bitterness.

                              SNAPE
                    No, again, for magic. It
                    essentially creates a bridge
                    between one form and the next.

                              GUY
                         (mugging for camera)
                    I'd like to create a bridge between
                    this potion and my mouth!

                              SNAPE
                    Your face is bright red.

                              GUY
                    Always is!

                              SNAPE
                    Right. Next is Fluxweed picked
                    during a full moon...

                              GUY
                    And why the full moon?

                              SNAPE
                    If not it won't be magic.

                              GUY
                         (to camera, cheesy)
                    And if it aint magic, that's
                    tragic!

                              SNAPE
                         (sarcastic)
                    You're a very clever man. Now some
                    shredded boomslang skin.

                              GUY
                    And that's to give it some color?

                              SNAPE
                    I'm incredibly surprised that
                    you've yet to grasp what's going on.
                    Everything in the cauldron has been
                    ordained by powers beyond your
                    comprehen -

                              GUY
                         (interrupting, pointing to
                         next ingredient)
                    - Whoa! Check those gnarly little
                    dudes out!

                              SNAPE
                    Yes...lacewing flies that have been
                    stewed for 21 days.

                              GUY
                    And do you stew your own lacewing
                    flies or do you get them
                    pre-stewed?

                              SNAPE
                    I stew them myself.

                              GUY
                    Gimme a pound man, for real.

          Snape unenthusiastically POUNDS Guy's fist.

                              GUY
                         (to camera)
                    Fresh-stewed lacewing flies!
                    Awesome.

                              SNAPE
                    And finally, a little bit of Guy.

          He drops a bleached blond Guy hair in the cauldron. It
          starts to bubble.

                              GUY
                         (mugging)
                    You should TRY a little GUY!

          Snape GROANS at Guy's jokes.

                              GUY
                    Whoa doggie, look at that bad boy
                    bubble!

                              SNAPE
                    Yes, it is quite bubbly I suppose.

                              GUY
                    And you let this bubble for...?

                              SNAPE
                    A month.

          DISSOLVE from bubbling cauldron to steaming cauldron.

                              GUY
                    So this cauldrons brewed for a
                    month. And man, I gotta say, very,
                    very pungent. I'm getting some of
                    that knotgrass. Funky.

                              SNAPE
                    I suppose it's a bit aromatic, yes.

                              GUY
                    And this is ready to drink?

                              SNAPE
                    Yes.

                              GUY
                    And what's going to happen to me?
                    Will I grow horns? Will I look
                    ridiculous.

          A beat as Snape looks at Guy's ridiculous appearance.

                              SNAPE
                         (droll)
                    No. However could you look
                    ridiculous?

                              GUY
                    Bottoms up!

          Guy takes a small sip, swishes it around in his mouth and
          swallows.

                              GUY
                    I'm getting that Fluxweed now. But
                    you know what the real star is
                    here? The Lacewing flies!
                    Home-stewed Lacewing flies really
                    make all the difference. If any
                    potion makers are watching, stew.
                    your. own. lacewing. flies!
                    Seriously -

          Guy puts his cup down.

                              GUY
                    - Snape, my man, you know what
                    you're doing. That Polyjuice is the
                    BOMB!

          Another pound. Guy turns to Camera, Snape drinks the potion
          behind his back.

                              GUY
                         (to camera)
                    You just gotta get here and try
                    some of these potions that my man,
                    Severus Snape is -

          Guy turns to find himself staring back. Guy 2 (Snape) CLUBS
          guy in the head with a spoon. Guy 2 (with Snapes voice)
          points a wand at camera.

                              GUY 2
                    Obliviate!

          A FLASH

                                                           CUT TO

          EXT. HOGWARTS

          Guy is sitting back in his car, doing his typical goodbye
          from the show, only in Snape's deadpan voice.

                              GUY 2
                         (very unenthused)
                    Was that a killer road trip or
                    what?
                         (aside)
                    Road trip, what's a road trip?
                         (to camera)
                    I'll see you next time on Diners,
                    Drive-Ins and Dives.
                         (to self)
                    What a dreadful title.